Building anxiety

[Enabler]

It started a few days ago but I can feel it rapidly building inside me, through my legs, tunnel vision and finger tips as I type. A fuzziness all over, lack of appetite and general on edge feeling. It grips me as a constant but goes in waves like being electrocuted when certain things happen. My life feels like an axe is hanging over me, as though I am not in control of my destiny and I don't like it. What bothers me more is not that outcome of the path but the uncertainty and rationale with which decisions that impact me heavily are being made. It appears that I am the only one that doesn't believe my wife's fantasy reality and paranoia leads me to believe that nefarious hands are at work again.

Despite having no communication with my wife about her divorce intentions as she refuses to discuss in any healthy manner I know the following details:

21/03/2017 - tells me she wants a divorce
19/10/2017 - First legal mediation session
07/11/2017 - Second legal mediation session where she proposes wording for divorce petition
28/03/2018 - Sends divorce petition to divorce office
02/04/2018 - Tells me she has petitioned for divorce
03/05/2018 - I receive divorce petition
04/05/2018 - I return divorce petition
18/06/2018 - Divorce petition response confirmation is received by her
16/07/2018 - NISI application filled in but not sent

The gaps between each stage are agonising and for me utterly abusive and irrational. Each stage is met by a wave of her 15+ group of flying monkey advisers lighting up like a Christmas tree on whatsap, leaving a vapor trail of back and forth visible from space. Since uBPDw is not capable of telling even her closest friends the full truth I only wonder what their advice is... .advice that meaningfully impacts my future existence.

I've chosen this route, I knew this would happen and I knew what to expect along the route towards likely divorce... .but with each micro step towards the cliff the anxiety is no less rampant and it's debilitating. I want this to stop, but I want to do the right thing with the best chance of a least worst outcome for me and the kids.

What I want is "I am doing this", "I have done this", "We need to do this". I cannot take control and rescue her from her own disastrous divorce fantasies and ideals of jumping into the arms of OM whose outside her metaphorical cage... .I won't rescue her... .but man this is death by a thousand cuts.

[Notwendy]

Enabler- anxiety happens when we don’t feel any sense of control.

Without this sounding like a run message - it may help to reframe your thinking about “rescuing “ her. The same behavior can be co dependent or it can not. If I cook dinner for my H to keep him from being angry and I cook out of fear- I am enabling and I will feel resentment. If I cook the same dinner because I want to have a nutritious meal for the family then I am not rescuing even if he feels the benefit of the dinner. Same action but different relationship dynamics.

Your wife is taking steps to divorce you and by not rescuing her you have also put the future of your marriage in her ( emotionally driven ) hands - this is an uncertain situation that cause you anxiety.

Self care would be taking charge of your own outcome. You can’t force her to want to stay married. What you can do is decide whether this is the kind of marriage you want - in limbo with her affection focused on OM. This is your boundary. If this is not what you want - you can take the reins in the divorce proceedings. It will then not be rescuing her but honoring your wishes - even if she benefits too. Stay focused on taking care of you - not how this may benefit her.

If you clearly do not want to proceed with divorce plans - what other ways can you take charge of your future without making that contingent on her?

[Cat Familiar]

So she indicates that she wants to divorce you and is making glacial moves in that direction. You feel totally out of control of the process and wonder about her thinking behind it, sensing that she's being influenced and perhaps manipulated by others. Your life and the kids will be majorly impacted by the steps she's taking in this direction, and you wonder if she has any clue about consequences and how everyone will be affected.

You're experiencing major anxiety symptoms because you have an overview of how this will change things for your children and you surmise that her affair partner's intentions are neither serious nor permanent. You'd prefer that she recommit to marriage and family and wish that you both could work things out.

This seems unlikely because she has galvanized the support of many in your community by perhaps feeding them a false narrative about you. You feel helpless and out of control in this slow-moving nightmare as you watch her plod toward divorce proceedings.

What can you do, like Notwendy suggests, to get the ball back into your own court?

[Enabler]

If you clearly do not want to proceed with divorce plans - what other ways can you take charge of your future without making that contingent on her?

I feel like I have exhausted my mental decision tree plan with regards to if she does x I do y so with regards to outcomes I am relatively comfortable. The anxiety comes from not know what decisions or even what narrative is being used to rationalise the decisions she is making. Yes it is a control thing. It's like a stay of execution where the jailers are discussing the conditions for a beheading outside your cell in private, could be today, could be tomorrow, you look out the window to see whether it's cloudy, maybe they don't like doing it when it's raining as the blood runs off the gantry, maybe too windy and it makes the axe too hard to aim.

What's the decision stalling on? Why if enabler is soo terrible, such a heinous person that W needs to have a divorce is this not clear cut... .drag me out, cut my head off and move on. Where's the common decency here? Where's her Christian morals? Why are her good moral upstanding friends not saying "you have a freakin problem luv, this is abusive"?

Any involvement in this process = me being perpetrator in the end. I cannot afford to adopt that role for her again. NOT THIS TIME. I knew this would be painful and it is. I need to muster more strength, strength that comes from knowing that there is calm after this storm.

[Enabler]

What can you do, like Notwendy suggests, to get the ball back into your own court?

How?

Excellent summary though

[Cat Familiar]

Well, if you want to force her hand, you take the reins and move forward with the divorce on your terms. I know you don't want it, but from one perspective it seems inevitable, so you fast forward it and see what happens.

My guess is that she's playing both sides. She's not sure OM is totally onboard and he might have considerations of his own due to his failing marriage, so what you're experiencing as delays from her might be due to him getting his ducks in a row.

And if he's just playing her, once her divorce is swiftly moving forward, he might get nervous thinking he's trapped and who knows what will happen?

I see no way forward with what you want, Enabler, which is a second chance for your marriage, as long as OM is in the picture. Perhaps you divorce, then he exits stage right after a bit, and then you get back together? Or maybe you meet an emotionally healthy woman who is a great step parent. But at this point, as you know, she holds all the cards. The only thing you can do is to upend the table.

Perhaps she's counting on you being a back up play in case OM doesn't work out. I see no options other than passively participate as you've been doing or play hardball.

[Enabler]

I know you don't want it, but from one perspective it seems inevitable, so you fast forward it and see what happens.

It seems reasonable to expect my wife to turn any efforts by me to push/pull this process along as me 'determining/controlling' the outcome and therefore I will be blamed. The result of me being blamed will be that she passive aggressively obstructs a relationship with the children. For example, it has taken a whole year to get her to agree to a 2 week holiday with them... .a month ago, overnight, poof... .it's fine. Why?

I cannot be involved in the process other than responsive to her actions... .which results in anxiety.

[Cat Familiar]

She's certainly limited your options. Do you know what's going on with OM's wife and divorce?

[Enabler]

Nope, OW will not talk to me. She has some childhood trauma going on and is very Borderline Queen (W is Borderline Waif). So OW wants to have a perfect divorce (at the moment) where everyone looks good and everyone is still friends and things don't impact her social mask... .what is happening behind the scenes is anyone's guess and she certainly isn't talking to me since I have publicly flagged the affair thus slightly spoiling the shiny divorce look.

and yes... .OM is definitely jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

I am moderately sure that the delays are linked and W is looking for a nice safe jump from one safety net to the other, but my clarity on that is very very limited.

[love4meNOTu]

Hi Enabler -

I have to agree with CatFamiliar that if you were in a less passive role, your anxiety would decrease. In my own experience, despite how agreeable I was, I was still blamed. I went gray rock after initiating the divorce.

I would ask you how that looks. Two people divorce. One person blames the other but then quickly remarries (or is involved with a married man).

I think most people realize it takes two people to create a divorce, not one.

I was trashed to everyone I know, including my neighbors. Can I tell you that after some time had passed, those neighbors came to me and said what the heck was with your ex husband?

It's five years after that divorce, no one even remembers I was married.

Take care,

L

[Enabler]

Thank you Lovemenotu,

Did you initiate the divorce?

I did not and was told that there was no other option since I had **abused her!

**in her opinion

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Enabler,
Another way of looking at your situation is that you are making choices. You choose to let her further the divorce; you choose not to assist her in this goal; you choose to keep your access to your children as uncomplicated as possible.

You just don’t like the outcome of these choices at the moment, but remain steadfast in your plans and hope for the most positive resolution for all concerned.

If there could be a way to tip the scales in your favor, in what area could you imagine this happening?

Cat

[Notwendy]

Enabler - IMHO trying to not be the bad guy is still a trip around the drama triangle. This is how your wife thinks. You are still making your decisions according to what you think is her point of view. That is still codependency.

Actions need to be taken from your conviction, your values and boundaries - regardless of your wife deciding you are the bad guy or not. She’s going to think what she thinks.

Right now you are the bad guy and OM gets to play rescuer. By being passive and letting her drive the outcome of this you are also enabling her to maintain the material and social comfort of marriage while carrying on this fantasy with OM.

When we do something that involves acting from our own values or boundaries we often become the bad guy. That’s a scary thing to face but if it becomes a choice between our sanity and being  the bad guy- that is the choice we deal with.

As Cat said - there are tough choices but when you choose - you take the driver seat for you. It may not be to further the divorce but to take some action that benefits you - more time with children, legal counsel, self care - the choice is yours.

[love4meNOTu]

Thank you Lovemenotu,

Did you initiate the divorce?

I did not and was told that there was no other option since I had **abused her!

**in her opinion

Yes enabler... I did. I paid for everything, bit my tongue until it bled. ... lived with him in my home for months until he finally gave up and left. It was poisonous, and he was abusive. I would challenge you to move on from the labels assigned by your wife. The truth is what matters here. The truth is that she is cheating on you and has basically already left the marriage. Now it's your turn, my friend. Time to accept your losses in this marriage and vow to yourself that you really deserve to be loved as you have loved.

L

[DivDad]

Cat Familiar is spot on.  Your uBPDw is burning the candles at both ends. At your emotional expense.  My exuBPD stalled a bit with our divorce proceedings, and I later learned she was lining up another husband.  Albeit, that marriage didn’t last long. Try and forget about what is going on “on the other side.”  You don’t know and don’t want to know.  Focus on “your side.” If things don’t work out with your uBPDw and OM, are you going to re-start your marriage?  It appears you have made the decision not to. You have to ask what would stop her from re-starting with another OM later on?  Would you be back in the same stalling boat again, resurrecting the last two years of court proceedings and going through the same anxiety?  Have your L push to get things finalized.  Take the initiative.  In my case, I had a close relative push me. I was so immersed in the chaos (and hoping beyond hope) that I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have been there.  And don’t worry about the community of characters and friends and the blame game.    Most are probably nonBPD…and when the dust settles, they will understand.  BPD thrive on chaos.   They plan far out in advance at the expense of others. You are correct in saying that you have to be strong and there is calm after the storm.  There is.  Keep that thought close and focus on your needs and protect yourself so you can protect your children. 

[Enabler]

Hey Enabler,
Another way of looking at your situation is that you are making choices. You choose to let her further the divorce; you choose not to assist her in this goal; you choose to keep your access to your children as uncomplicated as possible.

You just don’t like the outcome of these choices at the moment, but remain steadfast in your plans and hope for the most positive resolution for all concerned.

If there could be a way to tip the scales in your favor, in what area could you imagine this happening?

Cat

Thanks Cat, of all the comments this is the one I align my feelings to the most. Not to say I don't appreciate the advice and opinions of DivDad, Love4meNOTu and Notwendy, you're all fab. It's like choosing to climb a mountain, you know at points it's going to hurt, maybe scare you but you hope the reward at the top is worth it... .but you don't know. I can turn back at any point, catch a cable car to safety but I'm choosing not to. It's important to have that choice and realise I do have the choice to continue on this path of intentional pain and hardship... .marriage is tough, marriage to a pwBPD is even tougher.

I keep thinking "If she could just realise _____" and "If _______ could just say _____ to her", but nay, the scales don't seem to tip in my favour. I could imagine the scales tipping in 1 of 2 ways. Her religious friends manage to slowly turn the boat around not through any understanding but from the moral and religious basis. Her old school friends who know what she was like with her boyfriend 14-18yr, there was a lot of abuse by her there, plenty of self harm which she has mentally rejected. The kids keep saying "you're always angry" to her which is kinda new as they always said that to me when I fought her fires. Or, and this is the most extreme one, she runs away and abandons the family, leaving me to raise the kids... .I can very much imagine this happening.

Enabler

[Notwendy]

I understand- there isn't one right direction to take with this besides the one you feel you want to choose. My opinion comes from the sign of anxiety. The possibilities you mention of an outcome changing this to tip to your favor involve other people- her religious friends, her school friends, the kids.

From working on my own tendencies to enable and be co-dependent, one of the first things I learned was to listen to my feelings. Those of us with those tendencies tend to focus on other people not ourselves. Both decisions- to stay as things are or to proceed with the divorce are difficult decisions and I don't think any of us are pushing you to take a step you don't want to take, but although you have made a decision, you are experiencing increasing anxiety.

Our culture tends to suppress this, and in cases where people experience constant anxiety that interferes with their lives, treatment is helpful. But for the person who isn't usually feeling anxiety, it could be that your feelings are speaking to you in some way. If we focus more on others, we may not be paying enough attention to our own feelings. Where is this anxiety coming from?

The other exercise I learned to practice was staying on my side of the fence. This keeps the focus on me, not on someone else. If I say "he or she is doing this" then, I have stepped out of that line. If I say " Why am I feeling this and what does this mean to me?" I'm on my side of the fence. This also helps to work on boundaries. There are lots of players in this situation- OM, wife, kids, her friends, but there is also you. I know you don't want to be the bad guy here, but to be the bad guy- still is a focus on what others think of you. You are not a bad person, even if someone else thinks it- it doesn't make you the bad person. pwBPD are not comfortable with boundaries - and can perceive that as being the bad guy, but that doesn't make it so.

It would make me feel anxious to feel my whole relationship was to be determined by someone else. Beyond divorce, which you clearly don't want to do, is there anything you can do to take the focus off the influence of others on to something you can make a choice about? Choosing to wait this out is a choice, but you are feeling anxious. What choices within these circumstances could you choose make it more tolerable?

[Enabler]

One of the choices I have made is to fish when she's giving me the ST... .I don't mean fish fish, I mean, try and start a conversation... .AS SOON as I sense any antagonism I disengage. A friend from work who has Borderline tendancies and refers to herself as a 'crazy' interpreted W's behaviour as "She trying to force you away and force you to make the move"... .whatever her motivations are for that... .

My choice is to not go anywhere.

My anxiety comes and goes. I positively ruminate, cogitate stuff, rationalise things and so today I'm feeling slightly better about stuff. I know the anxiety will come back, like a stitch when running... .POWER THROUGH! 

Sadly I am good at absorbing pain, I'm no athlete but I've got phenomenal endurance... .20 yrs of it to be precise. 

[Notwendy]

Enabler, I think the fish fishing ( or other activity) could be better for you emotionally and physically- doing something that feeds your soul.

Do you have a source of professional advice? A BPD friend may have some insight, but advice about what to do about it that is going to be effective may come from a better source. Assuming she wants you to make a move when she is in ST is mind reading- and we can't do that. She's an adult and if she wants something- she can use her words. She needs to be responsible to communicate clearly. You don't have to take that on for her.

Have you considered a 12 step co-dependency group? I think the spiritual aspect would appeal to your values. I have worked with a sponsor on the things you are doing that may cause you anxiety- tolerating hurt, stuffing your feelings, ruminating. We've all been there and if we get there, calling a sponsor or another group member helps to deal with these feelings/thoughts. It was a sponsor who got me through a particularly difficult ST episode.

You are still trying to be the better man for her and it seems pretty clear that you are the better man compared to OM, but she's involved with a fantasy right now, and that's pretty hard to compete with. Could you turn some of that investment on to your own well being?

[Enabler]

One of the areas I need to improve is my ability to break free from being imprisoned at home whilst she goes gallivanting around with OM. That is definitely an area where I am enabling. It started out that I entrenched myself at home as a means to spend more time with the kids. That was and still is a positive thing. I make sure I head home each night after work (get back around 18:30) and get them into bed... .have a little chat, do some reading etc etc. Initially I did this because I wanted to strengthen the relationship I had with them pre divorce... .but now the divorce hasn't happened for a year + I'm left in a position where I have waved goodbye to a social life (which I thought would be a short term sacrifice for the good). A social life is a challenge when you get up at 5am and have a 1.5hr commute, not many people want to go for a drink and leave at 10. The social side has also taken a dive because all I want to talk about is my marriage and most people find my situation either frustrating or they just don't have any understanding of it. I'm the king of small talk or big talk for that matter, but it all seems a tad irrelevant at the moment.

I have 2 weeks holiday with the kids on my own from Sunday... .it took me a year to broker and it should be brilliant. Villa, pool, beach... .get in there!

My T see every 3 weeks is useful but since my situation is a bit at stalemate there's not much to talk about apart from a lot of he said she said, the plan and reassessing the plan. T gets and endorses the plan from what I can gather. I think as long as I'm the one choosing to participate in the battle of attrition, knowing that I will have to endure some pain, it's positive and healthy in the most unhealthy sense. This is a slow moving ship, who knows if it's changing direction or not... .we get to find out!

[Notwendy]

It sounds like your wife has a pretty good deal ( if you are into that )- a responsibility-free, risk-free-no consequences, long term affair. You watch the kids, pay the bills, she gets to go out with him. OM gets the good stuff without the responsibility of the relationship too.

If someone has such a great deal, why would they change that by going through with divorce? She has the best of both worlds- the security of her marriage, steady child care, and the on the side relationship without risking her marriage because she knows that you are there waiting if it doesn't work out.

If she were to go through with the divorce, the security of her marriage would not be there. She and OM would have to take the next step to being a couple. He'd have to decide to marry her or not. They'd both have custody time with the kids and not be able to be together as much. If they marry- then they get the benefits and responsibilities of marriage. Fantasy and romance becomes reality.

If she doesn't go through with the divorce, then she gets the situation she has now with both of you.

You still want to be married, but without consequences to her actions on her part, why should she change her mind and either come back to you only or move on with OM.

Has your T explored with you some potential actions on your part that might shift some responsibility for this affair to her- without hurting the kids of course? I think it is great that you spent time with them. The vacation you planned sounds lovely. Is there anything else you can do?

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like your wife has a pretty good deal ( if you are into that )- a responsibility-free, risk-free-no consequences, long term affair. You watch the kids, pay the bills, she gets to go out with him. OM gets the good stuff without the responsibility of the relationship too.

Notwendy, that’s a great summation. Yes, what would Mrs. Enabler get by going through with the divorce?

Even under the best circumstances with uncontested divorces, the process is a total pain in the neck and results in major losses for both parties: time and expense for attorneys and court fees, resultant emotional processing from a failed marriage, feelings of being branded as a divorcee, time spent dealing with the procedure.

We know that pwBPD often run from uncomfortable situations. Why would she subject herself voluntarily to such a process?

[Notwendy]

I don't mean to push at you when you are dealing with a tough situation, but the idea of consequences comes from behavior management. Every behavior has a payoff ( benefit) and a cost. People ( and every living creature) continue a behavior when the payoff is greater than the cost. If the cost becomes higher than the payoff, the behavior is likely to diminish.

Sometimes it is hard to see the "payoff". For example - a student who is bored in school might disrupt the classroom lesson. The teacher "punishes" him by sending him to the headmaster to get a talking to. The behavior increases- why? Because the boredom to the student is relieved when he's sent out of the class, and the "cost" the punishment is worth it. The teacher needs to change tactics to stop the behavior.

There are benefits to you for the choice you make, but also the cost ( anxiety). I can see the benefits of this situation for your wife, but I don't see much of a cost. I don't know how to shift this within the framework of what you wish to accomplish. I think it is important to take care of the kids. One idea may be for you to make plans one evening, tell her in advance, and it is her responsibility to stay with them or get a sitter so she can meet OM.

Cross posted with Cat. Yes a divorce is a high cost no matter whether it is wanted or not. It also brings on the fear of the unknown. She knows what life in your home is like, but not daily life with OM.

[Cat Familiar]

I like Notwendy’s idea of you getting a night out and she and OM being with the kids. Or maybe OM hasn’t been around the kids at all and she will have to forego her time with him?

In any event, that would give her an idea of what divorce might look like, with you out and about and her and OM watching the kids. And certainly he might feel a bit less inclined to pursue her as ardently if he realizes the responsibilities of being a stepparent.

Another point Notwendy makes is you getting some fun outdoor activity. I realize it’s hard with your work schedule, but a bit of cardio is a great antidote to anxiety, as are breathing exercises.

[Enabler]

She has an answer to everything... .she would pay for a sitter, and since I can’t get her to agree to a budget (tried) and withholding finances would just result in her (if any change) reducing expenditure on things that directly influence me... .I still feel the pain.

I hear you I really do re the comfi life she leads... .however, it’s also a life built on masks and deceit. Those masks HAVE to slip eventually or people have to question their efforts of constantly pulling her out of the water only for her to jump back in... .yes she has a lot of rescuers, but she now actually has to keep feeding all those rescuers with momentum. Eg, does her sister help her with the financials because she plays victim and says she can’t do the work... .then her sister believes she’s rescued her... .oh no... .divorce still isn’t progressing, why? Rescuers get fatigued. Maybe the divorce happens due to the weight of pressure from rescuers and her negative emotions towards me... .you know what, that’s something and I had no part to play in it. She will blame those who helped her and I will be nothing to do with it. If she doesn’t, guess what, rescuers start becoming perpetrators.

So... .then what happens? Do I just pick up and carry on? Well I sure as dammit hope not at all. Does she come running back? Who knows... .but I do know there is no hope for us/her/our family unit until ‘that’ happens. Then I’d have to say I’ll face my greatest test of boundaries... .to say “hey, look what YOU did, what are WE going to do to put this right?”

I cannot envisage a scenario where ‘this’ continues for an extended period of time. Maybe it’s the scenario I haven’t thooght of yet... .can anyone else think of one?

[Notwendy]

There are probably several possible scenarios - and all your chosen scenarios are contingent on other people doing something. It seems you are determined to stay with your position of doing nothing but while you are waiting, time goes by in limbo and that’s your time as well.

While you are not ready to take action, you are also at a stalemate with yourself. You can not move on or recover from this relationship.

I don’t know what your wife, OM, or others will do. For you - I think it depends on how long you are willing to put your life on hold waiting for something to happen. Maybe it would help if you could imagine a deadline for waiting - 1,2, 10 years? Do you want to be doing this 10 years from now?

[Enabler]

Beautiful creatures


"I don't wanna preach today. Instead, I just wanna talk to you. About a word we don't hear much anymore: 'sacrifice.' It's not what I'd call a modern word. People hear the word 'sacrifice' and people become afraid that something will be taken away from them. Or they'll have to give up something they can't live without. Sacrifice to them means loss in a world telling us we can have it all. But I believe true sacrifice is a victory, because it requires our free will to give up something or someone you love for something or someone you love more than yourself. I won't lie to you. It's a gamble. Sacrifice won't take away the pain of loss. But it wins the battle against bitterness. The bitterness that dims the light on all that is of true value in our lives."

Maybe 10 years... .maybe not... .

[Notwendy]

Ok I get it. It helps to know where you stand on this so we don’t make suggestions that don’t work with your choices.

[LongGame]

https://divinewilluk.com/surrender-novena has been helping me a lot. It's from a Catholic perspective, but very helpful in terms of surrendering to the will of God in everything.
Surrender and sacrifice are somewhat two sides of the same coin.

[Enabler]

Sometimes sticking to your values is scary, it’s emotionally painful, it requires often deep deep personal sacrifice.