DD20 stepping down - I’m stuck in fear

[Daisy123]

Hi folks,
I’m hoping that writing about my DD20 who has been in RTC for 27 days and will step down next week will help me
Move forward because I feel a bit frozen in my fear.
I’m afraid that things will go right back to where we started - violent outbursts, police visits, self injury and suicidal threats.
DD20 has had a really rough time during high school and it’s worsened since leaving high school. She stays in her room most of the day only to make her way out during the some evenings to see friends. She has wrecked our home during violent tirades, attacked her BF, my husband and me. She has stole my credit card numerous times (we now have a safe where we lock things up). She has jumped out of my moving car a few times in the last 5 months, nearly stabbed her self in the gut (husband and BF grabbed her). We have been living one crisis to the next week to week since she returned from rehab(due to a drug addiction). She’s run away leaving me to chase her down after yelling she wanted to kill herself just in mid June. And the RTC believes she’s met all of their goals and that she’s ready to step down to partial hospital program where I highly doubt she’d make her way to without a morning fight.
She has horrible dreams early in the morning so when she wakes- she’s already triggered. We walk on eggshells till that darkness passes. So trying to get her up is very tricky.

I am just so frightened of her taking her life or self injuring beyond safety. She’s attempted before and has dangerously self injured to the point of ER visits.

I hate that I can’t leave my purse because she’ll
steal from me. I have to lock up meds and my husband has locked up sharp objects because of safety concerns.

And then there are the fights between husband and she. He wants reasonable things to be done. She has no motivation. He then goes into angry lecture mode, poking the bear.

She eats in her room and leaves garbage all around.

We’ve had ant infestations because of her lack of removing trash.

And when she’s out of clean clothes, she starts wearing mine- my clothes go missing in huge piles of dirty laundry in her room.

We’ve set limit after limit. And when one limit doesn’t work, we let go and move on to another.

We’ve told her- please eat in the kitchen- she doesn’t follow that limit.
We’ve set the limit of not smoking cigarettes in our cars or in our house-
She’s not respected those limits. She cannot use our cars for two reasons, smoking cigarettes in our cars and her suicide ideation.

Since graduating high school 2 years ago, she’s held one job for two months, had major anxiety every day she went. We’d get there early and is just sit with her till she felt brave enough to walk into work. She has taken one college course and the community college takes 1 train and 2 buses to get to- so we were driving her there and back or giving her our car because she was too anxious to take the city transportation.
She sleeps till 2 in the afternoon nearly each day of the week.
The list of my rants goes on and on.

And RTC believes she is well enough to come home and get herself to a partial hospital program.

I found what DD20 values most is her freedom. Having the consequences of acting up - making her stay in RTC - is the incentive she has to act in an acceptable way. She’s able to get up at 7:30 in the morning and attend groups at RTC, but can’t get herself up to take her meds or get to a 1 pm therapist appointment when she’s not home.
Why? Why there at RTC but not at home?

I am feeling so angry with her. It’s okay for her to yell, hit, destroy property, have ants on our second floor at home- but not at RTC.

Do I consider pressing charges against my own DD20 when she becomes physically abusive or destroys our property?

She’s coming home soon- with few skillls she’s learned in under 30 days.

I’ve had a taste of sanity, calm and peace in my home. I suffer from mental illness and had such a steep fall that 2 years ago, I couldn’t get myself to work and went on disability. That was a terrifying time as I am the breadwinner and carrier of insurance for my family. The new limit is that our home is a place of safe refuge.

I suffered through the darkest thoughts plagued by the lies depression whispered to me- that somehow my husband was better off without my DD and me- depression told me that I should end my life and convince her to come with me. That was the scariest time of my life! I don’t want to go back to slip as I am still working on my own recovery.

I have an excellent therapist, psychiatrist and was in intensive outpatient treatment for 8 weeks. I have an idea of what it is for my DD to struggle with distorted thoughts based on my own experience.

I’m just working hard at accepting this reality of DD coming home and all of us suffering the consequences of her illness.
Breathe in and out... .

Parents, family members and partners of our BPD loved ones require some kind of super power just to get through.
What to do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi Daisy123    

Sending you hugs.

I am so sorry to hear about your fears regarding your daughters homecoming, they are very valid fears, especially after you’ve experienced peace and calmness in your house while she has been away. I can relate to that, we used to experience happiness and dread at the same time whenever we knew that our uBPD son was coming home (he travelled around a lot). It’s the knowing what to expect but still hoping for something better.

It’s good to hear that you have an excellent therapist, you have so much to deal with, you need that time that you spend with your therapist to help you make sense of what is happening in your life.

What to do? you ask. Daisy, you are doing the best that you can, that is obvious to see.

Thanks for writing it all down Daisy, I sincerely hope that by doing so it has helped you moved forward in some way x  

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi Daisy,

your posts always resonate with me so much. how are you doing? is she home?

HB

[Merlot]

Hi Daisy123

My heart goes out to you and I can certainly understand your apprehension. I would be feeling the same way

Im mot sure if I memtioned on one of your other posts.  I have been reading a book by Rachel Reiland called Get me out of Here. Its clear that therapy is a long road to recovery. But from what im reading, if your daughter is engaging in rules during RTC that is a good thing, she obviously has some trust. Maybe when she is calm you could engage her in a conversation about how that could translate at home.

I think its true to suggest you are walking on eggshells, however any opportunity to set some boundaries and include her in this decision making has to be positive.

Look for the changes when she comes home from RTC and recognise her progress.

Keep coming and sharing Daisy123 and most importantly take time for you as this will be most important.

Take care
Merlot

[Lollypop]

  there Daisy

That fear of the unknown is as bad as that fear based on what you know to be true from past experiences.  Trying to stay mindful; in the present:  your daughter has had the benefit of being in RTC and you have had a break and time to lick your wounds and learn some more.  It really seems to me that this isn’t going backwards but slowly forwards. 

Baby steps Daisy. Light as a fairy.  Try and demonstrate those traits you’d like to see in your daughter. Warmth, love and understanding. It’s what we all need in life.   

It’s a long game and you’re doing brilliantly

LP

Ps. I think my story may have scared you. It’s a story of me reeling and bouncing emotionally around. My son needed me to stop reacting. I did and things got better between us.

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy

We are wondering how you are, with DD home?  .

Daisy our kids may drop a shoe after treatment before reclaiming their learning. My DD did.

Have faith, you and your DD are doing your very best.

WDx

[Daisy123]

Sorry I’ve been slow to return posts. Update- DD20 is Home.
Wendydarling-
Oh my goodness! Thank you for telling me that. Yes, DD20 is back home. She was staying in assisted living apartments and attending PHP for a week when her body seemed to turn on her and she’d gotten sick, UTI, upper respiratory infection, sinus infection, diarrhea and migraines all in one week. They recommended that DD20 return home and readmitt when she’s feeling better.

She’s a bit better - but we just came back from a third Drs appt in 8 days and the dr wants to run many tests that will take some weeks to get to. DD has had chronic stomach issues for well over a year. I chucked it up to taking meds on empty stomach- but her 2 RTC stays this year - she was eating and taking meds. So there goes my theory.

Having her back has gotten me wrapped in nerves. I’ve got to get past it and work my way through these emotions. It doesn’t do any of us any good to have me a wreck.

DD has fallen back into some old habits- smoking weed with friends, fighting with BF. She cancelled her therapy today- says it’s too much after her long doctor appt. I’m working on the stories I tell myself. So today after she’d cancelled her therapy session, I believed her- she doesn’t have the energy and that’s okay. She’s not one that’s good with making it to appts. But today- I really believe she’s tired rather than avoiding.

Thanks for checking in with me and letting me know- our loved ones are human and they are going to slip up. Learning takes time. Let’s see if she can apply some of that independence she gained living on her own for a week.

Daisy123

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy 

I'm sorry to hear your DD was unwell at PHP, it's good the Dr is testing especially the chronic stomach issues you mention. Tending to the physical along the way, recuperating helped my DD get back on track emotionally to focusing on her mental health, treatment.  None of us feel like work when physically unwell. You believed your DD, she doesn’t have the energy for therapy and that’s okay, today - you really believe she’s tired rather than avoiding. Trust, acknowledging my DD's feelings when she was exhausted, along with a hug helped spur her on, positive reinforcement. I thought my DD was dropping the shoe (gulp), she was actually in progress of picking another shoe up!  And you are right learning takes time and they work at their own speed. Your DD's in the best place, one month of RTC and then soon back to PHP. You are doing amazing, as LP says focus on the present, practice mindfulness.   

How are you doing today?

WDx

[Daisy123]

Hi Folks,
My DD20 is nearly back to the way it was before RTC- sleeping or social media all day. Few chores... .She got a registered letter from the physician’s office today regarding UTI test results and I’m just waiting for her to wake so she can learn of just one of many tests.
I’m taking a moment to stop my morning chores because of the noisy set of stories replaying in my head. Her piano, guitar, her ukele and art work floats around this Home of ours, all reminders- relics of a child that once was.

Instead of running away and attempting to stuff my ears of those stories, I’m to lean into that sea of grief. It’s the constant fear of her not launching, declaring disability- it’s the story of watching people her age go off to college. And these stories get in the way of that feeling of just grief, fear and sadness. So - it sounds strange- but I really just want to feel without those stories of ‘what if’ or ‘once she was’ or ‘she’s lazy’
All judgements of some kind - not acceptance.

So today I acknowledge the grief and accept that my daughter has an illness. Today I acknowledge that uncertainty- that change is inevitable. I accept that we are in constant transition. I accept that I can feel angry and lose patience with DD. I accept that I do my best when I struggle with my frustration because of her actions and words.

I cannot cure her, I cannot control her. I can’t control how I act all the time either.

I say some really stupid stuff to her when I am
Angry- like how difficult is it to put cigarette butts into the canister?

I can love her and I can acknowledge my grief so I can move into having compassion for her.

I’m trying to understand that our loved ones plagued with BPD sit with that demon of disordered, distorted thoughts. It’s as if they do things, say things, think things from some dark dreamlike state- not fully woke to the consequences of their actions or pain they create in our lives.

Our loved ones don’t have control even though they attempt to like crazy- to control their environment - by lashing out. When DD lashes out, that is when the pain, fear and self doubt are all heightened. It’s as if she feels so much pain- she wants everyone, especially me, to feel the same- revenge in some distorted way.

I’m just grieving-reflecting on the stories I tell myself.

I’m just so very grateful to have this place, all of you and your amazing support.

Daisy123

[Lollypop]

Hi Daisy

It’s as if she feels so much pain- she wants everyone, especially me, to feel the same- revenge in some distorted way.

I used to feel “why is he doing this to me?” There was so much animosity in our lives and this is something that we both agree on when we look back at what we call our crazy years (pre-dx).

Having a plan and setting up realistic goals helped me. I kept things simple and in priority because my own head was in such a whirl - never mind his!

Well done Daisy, you may be sad that your daughters not going to college etc but you’re accepting the reality of her current situation. That’s a massive step you just made.

Baby steps for your daughter.  Slightly bigger steps made by you. She’ll learn to keep up with you as you learn and make changes in how you interact with her.

LP

[Daisy123]

Thanks, LP-
Words I need to hear... .I still feel so frustrated as DD has taken to sleeping all day, on and off napping and then complains that she’s getting bad sleep at night.

She snuck her BF into the backporch last night to smoke weed. I should be grateful that he didn’t come in and the two did not fight. I get caught in the crossfire’s between she, BF and husband in their fights.

It’s noon, she’s supposed to set her alarm and get up at 9 a.m. to get her meds- no luck on that baby step today. So I am off to yoga to change my frustrated mind set. I’ve lived this way before- I can do it again.

She was supposed to make another appt with her therapist. Therapist said that therapist had reached out numerous times with numerous appt. my DD avoided.

Breathe... .I’m frustrated today- I suppose that’s a step up from being sad.

I must admit how Often I consider kicking DD to the curb. Perhaps that would motivate her to act rather than not live up to a simple commitment like getting up to take a med or making an appointment.
I really wonder if that’s what it will take. She’s taken an enormous jump backwards. So sad.

Daisy123

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

Hey Daisy I just want to say thanks for sharing here.  I'm sitting here nodding thinking yes, that's it.  This sucks but at least we are not truly alone. Hope you did end up going to that yoga class. 

[Daisy123]

Thanks, Faithspring. I did make it to yoga. It was challenging being on the mat and noticing how angry I feel.

The stress level is huge and DD snuck BF into our home again while my husband and I were out visiting family. My husband was furious. I had to go into our home alone, tell DD that I was taking a furious father to dinner and that BF needed to be gone when we returned.

Needless to say- dinner was so stressful. I had to field numerous tough questions- like third degree from husband. Questions I couldn’t answer- why is she doing this? What does she see in him? All questions that would mount up to what I call ‘story telling’ that’s when he makes up stories in his head about DD. A good example is that my mobile rings, husband states ‘if that’s the police, tell them
We are not picking up DD’. Literally out of nowhere. So I’ve got an incredibly stressed out husband to contend with. Sigh!
I challenged him yesterday - stating that he’s ruminating and making things worse, he said that’s how he deals with it- stating he needs the space to processes and that I’m only making it worse.

Ugh! Now I’m just supposed to listen to stories that make me feel awful!

He mentioned yesterday to family that he’s considered getting DD boxes so she could live with the homeless in an area where they congregate in our city. The people in the room looked on - and the awkward feeling was palpable - silence.

Those are the stories I’m just supposed to listen to because me challenging them makes hi feel worse. It would be so much easier if he’d just say ‘I feel frustrated’ or ‘I feel helpless’ or ‘ I feel embarrassed’
Instead- I have to listen to stories.

How have any of you dealt with the husband’s issues?

As for DD, more of the same, my only requirement is that she set an alarm, get herself up by 9, feed herself and take meds.
She isn’t doing that right now.
Disappointment... .I thought I set a doable expectation.
Next?

[Lollypop]

Hi Daisy123

How have any of you dealt with the husband’s issues?

Boy, I could write a book just in this topic alone. My H isn’t/wasn’t as emotionally mature as I was. He struggled to keep pace with what I was trying to to. I posted a lot about him and his nasty comments, sarcasm and once how he blew up at my younger son. I reached a point where I was ready to put my sons first above and beyond my H of more than 35 years.  It’s so difficult when everybody is playing to their own song sheet. I found it as difficult to deal with him as I did my BPD son at times.

My H Preferred to flip himself around that Karpman triangle, really liking the victim or persecutor role.  I did too until I knew better.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Once I saw the theory, I understood.  I left my H to it.  I tried to stay away from his own personal drama accepting he’d have to work out how to solve his problem.  I couldn’t make him behave like an emotionally mature adult.  All I could to was demonstrate it.

When things got too intense and he tried to drag me back in I’d say “I know your hurting, that your angry but I just can’t listen to you Right now. I choose to believe that things can get better and this isn’t helping either of us.”

To be honest, there were many times when I wanted to give up myself, days when I just felt I wasn’t strong enough - then my H would use my words back to me. We became very aware of us not both getting into that deep black pit.

It’s tough Daisy and I’m sorry you’re going through this.  My H started to react positively when he could start to see some progress; importantly, he learnt how to better interact by watching me and me explaining, maybe me even suggesting how I felt I could improve.

my only requirement is that she set an alarm, get herself up by 9, feed herself and take meds. She isn’t doing that right now.

Has she done any one of them?  Has she managed to do the four of them at all, even one day? I’m just trying to get a handle.

Hugs

LP

[SkellyII]

I am just so frightened of her taking her life or self injuring beyond safety. She’s attempted before and has dangerously self injured to the point of ER visits.

I hate that I can’t leave my purse because she’ll
steal from me. I have to lock up meds and my husband has locked up sharp objects because of safety concerns.

And then there are the fights between husband and she. He wants reasonable things to be done. She has no motivation. He then goes into angry lecture mode, poking the bear.

She eats in her room and leaves garbage all around.

We’ve had ant infestations because of her lack of removing trash.

And when she’s out of clean clothes, she starts wearing mine- my clothes go missing in huge piles of dirty laundry in her room.

We’ve set limit after limit. And when one limit doesn’t work, we let go and move on to another.

We’ve told her- please eat in the kitchen- she doesn’t follow that limit.
We’ve set the limit of not smoking cigarettes in our cars or in our house-

I’m just working hard at accepting this reality of DD coming home and all of us suffering the consequences of her illness.
Breathe in and out... .

Parents, family members and partners of our BPD loved ones require some kind of super power just to get through.
What to do?

Wow! I'm new to the board, so I just read this old post of yours. This resonates with me on so many levels.

I refer to the summer of 2017 as the "Summer of Hell". My daughter was 14 at the time, one half-hearted suicide attempt, more or less constant self-harm, smoking, drug use obvious DID, and severe mood swings. She stole from me, her eating and hoarding food in her room and the spare closets had created a mice, fly and severe ant and gnat problem. Helping around the house... .pfft. Taking away her phone and Internet and TV privileges has been the only way to keep her room and bathroom at least picked up.

She was in regular therapy at the time with her estranged mother ( I have full custody due to her mom's mental and alcohol issues) and her therapist just flat out said that he couldn't help her, and that she needed the kind of intense therapy that he couldn't provide. He sent us to a center that specializes in DBT.

It's been a year now, we've survived another suicide attempt, a longer hospitalization and the formal BPD diagnosis. Her new meds and the therapy have helped a lot, but we still have peaks and valleys. We did both group (together) and individual DBT therapy over the last year. Unfortunately, her therapist, who I can't even begin to say enough great things about, is leaving and pursuing a different career. This lady reached my daughter in a way that no one else had been able to do.

I'm apprehensive about the next few weeks. We're breaking in a new therapist, and school just started which increases her anxiety. She already raged at me on Monday so it's already beginning.

[Daisy123]

Hi Folks,

DD20 still struggles with low energy and remaining in bed most of the day. She makes it out of her room some evenings to have a friend or two over or to run to the park to drink or smoke pot. As for taking her meds-she's at a point where missing a dose does not make her homicidal. 

Improvement!

During residential, she finished titrating off of one medicine and began titrating off of another. So I've laid off of nagging about medicine.

She is eating healthy foods and dinner on a regular basis since being in residential. The foods in our pantry and fridge now please her palate. Before June, that girl lived on junk food, fast food and nothing in our kitchen seemed to please her.

Improvement.

She has worked at staying off of Xanax so this addiction is in check.

Improvement.

She worked on visits to the doctor investigating digestive issues-she saw this through.

Improvement.

She has brought down dishes and empty drinks down from her bedroom on a regular basis.

Improvement.

We've had two weeks of relative peace. I'll take that! I'll take two weeks of peace. No police or huge knock down fights, no trashing of the house in 12 days.

Lolipop,
Thanks for sending me the Karpman's Triangle. I reread it again. Wow-do we have those roles down to a T in this little family of mine. H is the persecutor, DD is the victim and I am the rescuer. I have been stepping away from this role and it takes a great deal of awareness so that I don't get caught up in it.

And I really like what you said to your husband when he'd say negative things about your son.

You said: “I know your hurting, that your angry but I just can’t listen to you Right now. I choose to believe that things can get better and this isn’t helping either of us.”

Thank you for that language, I will use this the next time he goes off on DD.  I also said to him when the time was right, "Just because you think or feel something, it needn't be said, especially if it is hurtful." I believe my H heard me.

SkellyII,

I am so sorry you've endured another suicide attempt. It's just absolutely horrifying and the helplessness experienced feels endless. You and your daughter are far ahead in this... .Your DD has access to DBT and you have been apart of getting her to that form of therapy. Good for you! You noticed that your daughter lashing out before school is just code for her anxiety and fear of another change. I often ask myself - what is the intention behind my DD's action? What need does this action help her meet? I hope your dd is able to make a connection with her new therapist-that's a tough one, and that she begins school without too much drama.

This BPD is something else. The only one I have control over is me-so I am the one that needs to be the change in our household. Acceptance, what setting limits looks like, learning how to be angry in an appropriate manner, learning to just be in my feelings rather than making up stories of blame.

In many ways, my DD20 is my greatest teacher, as is that husband of mine. I just wish the lessons weren't so darn painful.

Daisy123

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy

Improvement! You are doing great Daisy.

One thing I've always wanted to share with you, is standing back has helped my DD.

When I stand back she has come forwards, how great is that!

WDx