Wanting to step out of the car: no more energy to listen to her

[5min]

My BPD wife picked me up at lunch and after a short stop at the cash machine, started on a tyraid bitching at the top of her lungs. I had not mentioned that I use my emergency money and had not replaced it. Not a big deal but in her mind everything not immediately told is considered lying and hiding. While she was driving and bitching, all I could think about was stepping out of the car. I have no more energy to listen to her crap. I have no interest living in her world. Our daughter starts college in 3 weeks. I don't know if I can make it that long.

[Cat Familiar]

You are at the end of your rope 5min.   

What can you do to emotionally support yourself in the coming weeks as you plan your next steps?

In the meantime, what can you do, other than not ride in the same car with her, so you don't have to experience these rantings?

Congratulations on your daughter entering college. 

[5min]

I've been at my limit for quite a while.
There is nothing I can do for self care that will not be undone in seconds.
The phone blows up. She rants on for hours.
I'm chained to an ore, rowing, all the while wishing the boat would sink and end this insanity.

[Cat Familiar]

It seems that you have been at burnout stage for quite some time. And anything that you try to do to take care of yourself, she undoes with her ranting and complaining. She blows up your phone and subjects you to these endless monologues for hours.

You've been able to tolerate this for a long time, but now are out of energy and patience. In less than two weeks, your daughter will be leaving for college. When that happens, what do you see changing in the way you relate to your wife?

[5min]

Friday was a rant fest and I stayed away. Yesterday was more ranting with threats of divorce. I guess the straw was when she said I should fly into a mountain to kill myself so she can have the insurance money and a fresh start without the baggage of a 2nd divorce. Wow. There is love or is that the last shred of love and hope dying. I left this morning after that conversation. My plans are looking for a place and divorce.

[Cat Familiar]

Of course you don't want to listen to the rant fest, and what awful things she's capable of saying!   

She couldn't even wait for your daughter to leave for college before this latest go-round. What do you suppose it will be like when she has an empty nest?

[GaGrl]

I would get that your wife is experiencing your daughter leaving for college as abandonment, and the rage is being displaced onto you.

Yay.

Has your wife cooperated in individual therapy before, or do you expect this to continue or even worsen?

[5min]

Copy that about empty nest. She came to where I was and packed back and forth like a caged animal talking nonsense like wanting to die. She would pace and scratch at her neck like she wanted to dig claws in. Really disturbing. She used the need to get daughter through college and so I am back in the blender for now. I set some boundaries but who knows if they will hold. Last night and this morning she went into the wanting to die, worthless, ball up in the corner, continually going on. That is the other extreme from the rage. I read someone's post about the 10 things and the one about how we are not in a position to help because we are a trigger rings true and hauntingly sad. I so would like her to get better.

[Cat Familiar]

What about counseling for her? Would she be open to doing that? You could possibly frame it as grieving the loss of your daughter's presence at home. A lot of women experience a child leaving as a huge loss and it might be nice to have someone to talk with about that.

Her emotional state certainly puts you in a difficult position. You go from being a target to an assuager of her anguish.

[5min]

We have tried marriage counseling and individual counseling. She refuses to accept any diagnosis and takes it as criticism. One guy I was going to actually told her she had BPD. I warned him against that and as I told him she exploded and wet back one more time to tell him off. Boundaries be damned. I am back as the brunt of many a rant. She keeps asking why and don't yo think. I can not answer those as we see a violation of JADE sets her off. I never should have stepped back into the blender.

[Cat Familiar]

So anything that does not accord with her vision of reality is taken as criticism. She’s been noncompliant with therapy and sees any challenge to her POV as criticism. Not an easy partner for you to deal with, that’s for sure.

How can you find some way to recharge your batteries? And how do you step out of the blender?

[Red5]

... .3 weeks, and then your Daughter is off to college.

Then what... .escape for a while, that's just what you need to do I think... .hard to live with is "hard to live with"... .NOT fun I know !

From reading your post, I can see that you are really getting the treatment, is your Daughter still in the house with you and your wife?

How is this effecting your Daughter?

Maybe you could take Daughter away on the weekend or something, to get away?

Sounds like you need a break 5min, I know what its like to be cornered, and trapped... .you really need to be careful, and not let your wife get the best of you.

... .breath !

As Cat says, you need to step outa that blender!

Does your Daughter like to fish, hike, or maybe go "junking"... .silly ideas on my part, .something to do (?)... .a break... .if there was something ya'll could do together to get away for a little while, and recharge your batteries... .

Keep posting !

Hang in there 5min !

Red5

[5min]

Daughter is still at home. 1-1/2 weeks until she leaves for college. UdBPDw went on a rant today. She points out how every problem in her life and the kids is my fault. She takes no ownership in the fact that she is a stark raving A-hole. I do not want to hear her utter another word. I want the nails on the chalk board to stop. How does anyone reason with this BS? I have to get out of the blender.

[Cat Familiar]

How does anyone reason with this BS?

Simple answer. You can't. Best to refuse to listen to more than a minute or two of the harangue. If you've never done this before, it will seem very weird and awkward--and it will totally be out of character for you in her eyes. No matter.

What you can say can be a variant of one of these sentences: "I can't have this conversation right now." "When we can talk calmly, without blame, I can discuss this later." "When we can be respectful of each other, then we can talk about this later."

You need to try it out in your own words--and most important, stick to your guns, as my cowpoke uncles used to say. No wavering. If you say you can't talk now, don't. Leave the house. Do something you enjoy. Tell her you'll be back in twenty minutes, an hour, three hours, whatever you need to calm down and recharge your own batteries.

It's doable. It will come as a shock to her because she's used to being able to diss you and have you stand around and take it. But you don't have to take it anymore. It's not good for you. It's not good for her.

[5min]

I've tried to limit the time I get harangued. It escalates sometimes into violence. She will be heard. If I do manage to leave, she blows up my phone. I have to turn it off and then she drives until she finds me followed by more yelling. She and the daughter were away for a few days. Now that they are back, I get put in my place; I did not pay enough attention, how I am the cause of all her problems. I've tried phrases like that and taking  30 minutes to cool off but the phrases are taken as an attack and I will always be 1 minute late. A couple of things ring true that I read in other posts. pwBPD never forgive and never forget. I get the last 12 years of offenses pointed out nearly every day. I know there is a God and see Him in other areas of my life. I don't have a clue as to what His plan is here. When I see the impact on the kids, siblings, parents, and friends; I just don't get the point of allowing one person to cause that much damage.

[Cat Familiar]

So far, nothing has worked to stop her from blowing up at you and yelling. She blames you for all her problems.

What do you foresee happening at home once your daughter leaves for college?

[5min]

Our daughter is now at college. We have had some chewing me out sessions but nothing major as yet. We have an anniversary coming up. Those are tough. In a way I think it being just us is good. I really do not have any idea how this will go. Thanks for the support.

[Red5]

Our daughter is now at college.

We have had some chewing me out sessions but nothing major as yet.

We have an anniversary coming up.

Those are tough.

I really do not have any idea how this will go.

Add to this;... .Birthdays & Christmas, .Valentines Day, .oh' the stories I could tell ; (

I still have that pic on my phone, of the dozen roses she (my u/BPDw) threw into the toilet last Valentines day... .

Hang Tough 5min, you are certainly not alone !

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Hi 5min,
Well, she's gotten through the transition of your daughter leaving. That's good that things have calmed down to a degree.

How are you doing after dealing with all her acting out? It sounds like you're a bit on alert, knowing your anniversary will soon arrive.

Keep us posted.   

Cat

[AskingWhy]

We have tried marriage counseling and individual counseling. She refuses to accept any diagnosis and takes it as criticism. One guy I was going to actually told her she had BPD. I warned him against that and as I told him she exploded and wet back one more time to tell him off. Boundaries be damned. I am back as the brunt of many a rant. She keeps asking why and don't yo think. I can not answer those as we see a violation of JADE sets her off. I never should have stepped back into the blender.

5min, counseling for couples won't work when one person is BPD.  The BPD can be a chameleon, and that is what happened with uBPD/NPD H and me.  He had the therapist eating out of her hand.  When I was weeping and very upset, the therapist stood up, shook a finger at me, shouted, "If you don't stop this crying, you will lose this man who loves you!"  Unreal.

If you have not already, read, "Stop Walking on Eggshells."  As you are looking to protect yourself and don't like the "blender," please also read, "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder."  Even if divorce is not in your future, it's an eye-opening discussion of BPD and NPD.

I am glad your spiritual faith is guiding you.

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254?SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-ffsb-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=1608820254

[XSurvivorX]

I don't have a clue as to what His plan is here.

5Min, I'll agree with AskingWhy that I'm glad your spirituality is giving you some good guidance and faith.  But friend, in this instance I fear you can't "pray away" this situation, you know what I mean?  This is a very harsh reality that we are all living (or lived) to some extent.

And like Cat pointed out, there really is not reasoning with, or ascribing logic to the pwBPD.  I mean, it sounds like you've made some attempts before to have a boundary when enough's been enough. Let's take an example where you removed yourself from the situation and switched off your phone.  IF she's come to find you out in public and give you a piece of her mind, what do you think would happen if you just sat there quietly and let her go off? Would other people see that? Would it create a "scene"?  Does she maybe really need a little of that to happen in public where you just refuse to participate in it, in order to try and let her recognize that her choices in addressing your boundary aren't working?

I don't know, I'm just tossing out some ideas here as they come to my head as I think of ways that may help you reinforce a boundary (and keep a little sanity). 

Meanwhile - Stay strong!