I admired the ways in which he was different. He was spontaneous, adventurous, fearless, vulnerable, a risk taker. I don't think I was disassociating, but I was definitely outside of my comfort zone and that most definitely felt like an escape.
Thanks for articulating this,
Starfire. My guy was different like this, too. At first, when he wasn't being cruel, the risk-taking felt cinematic and pushed me outside of my comfort zone in a delicious way. Over time, though, things got uglier than anything I recall experiencing at home. I remember the boundary violations I experienced at home with my FOO as feeling annoying/banal, not like anything I experienced with my ex which may be why it took me so long to make the connection/understand the similarities.
What I'm still trying to learn from that is how I can nurture those attributes in myself while maintaining healthy boundaries and emotional intelligence. How To Be Spontaneous and Adventurous but Not Bat Crap Crazy 101.
This, for me, was part of the gift of BPD. The relationship helped me find my voice, though I wouldn't go so far as to claim "spontaneous," (which is fine).
How is this going for you? Are areas of your life today where you feel more adventurous?