Taking stand for something that matters

[formflier]

So... .big picture values.  I don't ever want to teach my kids that pitching an emotional fit... .gets them out of work or (even worse) gets them to do what they "want" quicker.

S15 was doing some drywalling today.  He kept getting distracted by his phone and it was slowing him down.  He wanted to spend time with his uncle (my wife's twin brother) this evening.  No specific plans... just hanging out.

My goal was to get him to work efficiently to get him out quickly.

So... .I said "S15... .hey man... let's focus on work.  If someone calls you or you need to send a text, you may use your phone.  Otherwise, don't pick it up to look at it, browse, youtube... etc etc... .unless you have asked me or Mommy first

backstory

I used to be a "one and done" guy... .if you get specific instructions like that and disregard them... .you phone is mine.  No "extra warnings".  

By mutual agreement at a prior family meeting, I agreed to "show grace" and give warnings... with promises that they wouldn't be needed (right... .)

So... .I warned him a second time and repeated the instruction... word for word when he "took a break" and decided to browse his phone.

I come back later he was done eating (literally... .no crumbs left on his plate... .no drink left in cup).  He is browsing his phone vice getting back to work.  

I let it go for a couple minutes... .just to make sure while I hovered near by.

S15... what are you doing?  "Oh... I'm eating."  pause for a bit.  Like 30 seconds (he hadn't looked up from his phone... he just answered)

FF "Oh... I see.  Who are you calling with your phone?  (yeah... a bit of a set up... but also hoping a gentle reminder to pull his head out of his a$$.  Had he realized and apologized... or just got to work... .I wouldn't have said anything)

S15  "Oh... just browsing while I eat."  still cludo  still browsing... .hasn't eaten or drank in 5 min (nothing there to do it with)  Yeah... I checked the time.

FF  "Oh... .so you asked Mommy?"  (still leaving it open ended)  S15:  "About what?"  (he is a space cadet)

FF  "Being able to use your phone?"  S15:  "oh... no... I was eating"

FF "So... S15, what were your instructions regarding your phone?"  (to his credit... he got it right)

He starts getting emotional and I go sit with him... ."help me understand what is going on here buddy"

FF wife shows up... .and to her credit... .she helped the conversation along and when S15 wanted to talk about "always and never"... she refocused him to today.  (I was shocked)

Anyway... he gets back to work and calls me while I was at Lowes... wants to know if he can quit and go spend time with his Uncle.  I asked if he was done... .he said no, we could do it tomorrow.  

I clarified he could go with uncle when drywall was done and couldn't imagine it would take more that 15 to 20 minutes, as long as he applied himself.

Well... .FFw gets involved (on the phone)... big drama she announced he would done working at 7pm... .I get home at 650pm and S15 and FFw are gone.  The night's fun has started.

I call her... .and asked her to send S15 back over, that we were teaching him bad things.  15 minutes of monologing... BPD reasoning... .and rewriting history... .S15 is sent back to finish his job.  

Took him 20 minutes...

Who knows what the "cost" of doing this was... .I'm more interested in what I tell S15 tomorrow.

Thoughts?

FF
  

[Notwendy]

I'm going to approach this not who is right or wrong about him doing the chore or seeing the uncle but from a parenting standpoint and also family dynamics with a BPD person.

There are different styles of parenting. Neither is necessarily right or wrong, but what is an issue is when two parents don't agree on a situation and undermine each other. Children ( and this isn't bad on their part- they are human) learn to go to the parent who is most likely to give them what they want. This undermines the other parent. When disciplining children, it is best for both parents to be on the same page.

There are also ( at least ) two possible "right ways to see this. One is to teach him to finish a task before doing something fun. The other is to decide that with an out of town relative, putting chores aside to see the relative becomes the first choice. Both ideas are valid. The problem here is that the two parents are not aligned on the choice.

What happened here was classic triangle. Wife rescued S 15. This put you in persecutor position.

Your son is 15. He did what 15 year olds do. He's distracted by his phone, and he wants to hang out with his uncle. He knows he needs to ask a parent, and he asked the parent who was most likely to allow him to go hang out with his uncle. This is very typical 15 year old and he didn't do anything wrong. If the rules are to ask a parent- he followed that rule ( and was savvy enough to ask the right parent).

The problem here is that your authority as a parent was undermined by your wife. Unless a parent is being abusive, good parenting practice is to not undermine the other parent. You took your authority back when you brought your son back, but at a cost- due to the drama triangle.

Was it worth it? Yes, I actually think it was as it showed that his doesn't work. He doesn't get to go to the more lenient parent when you have already established the rules. To not do this shows him that mom can undermine you and you have no authority as a parent.

Could there have been a better way to teach the lesson? Probably. I don't know the backstory, but your son is getting older and ready to negotiate his wishes and the chores. The drywall needs to be done, and he wants to hang out with his uncle. The phone is a distraction but maybe there is something he's really interested in going on. Is there a way to make this win win?

For example- "let him choose drywall needs to be done by Sunday night. You can do it Saturday or Sunday". If by Sunday it isn't done, then there are consequences. This then becomes an agreement between the two of you, not the three of you. He can decide to take twice as long while looking at his phone or not look at his phone and get it done quicker. He then learns he gets it done faster if he doesn't. If you need to supervise him, then he has to consider your time limits as well. This approach gives him more leeway, and also makes him responsible for the consequences of taking too long or not getting the job done in an agreed upon time. It allows for mistakes- he might make them, but he can also learn from them. He may learn that if he plays on his phone, the job takes longer- but he learns it by natural consequences, not through authority.

I don't know how essential it was to get the dry wall done right away, but if that wasn't essential, then the learning experience of giving him that task to manage is teaching opportunity.

[formflier]

Interesting reply... .given that I was thinking of giving him a "be done by" time for today's chores... and leaving it at that.

I was even considering letting him go to be with his uncle if he didn't get it done... .but I would collect his phone for several days.

Giving it some thought while I drink coffee...

FF

[Notwendy]

also, although It appears to you that your wife chooses her family's wishes over your agreements - money to family, doing what uncle wants, this could be part of her family dynamics.

In my FOO, there is a lot of fear based behavior. Basically, if I didn't do what my parents wanted, it would cause a lot of fear. This doesn't make sense from the adult perspective. My barely 5'2" tiny mother can not hurt me even if she hits me, but she could enlist my father to rage at me. That terrified me no matter how old I am. Now, consider this from the child perspective. If I am 40" tall, my raging mother is a considerable threat and is terrifying. So there were family rules about behaving her that became automatic and the fears, instinctual, not logical. These also go in my mother's FOO. If you don't invite the whole family to something, they stop speaking to you. These "rules" and fears can get passed from generation to generation as "normal".

You have said your wife is the "best " of her family. You have had agreements with her about finances and other things and then, she defers to her family. While her actions feel like a betrayal to you - they may be a fear based automatic "normal" to her that she isn't even aware of in ways. She just knows she has to do them or be shunned, rejected or have them angry at her.

My H's family has unspoken "rules" that I have accidentally violated and not even been aware of. When we visit, I see my H revert back into his family patterns. He isn't even aware that he is doing that. I think we all do that to some extent with our families. Dysfunctional patterns may feel normal to us and really odd to someone not raised in them.

[formflier]

My wife slept with children last night... an apparently is sleeping in.

15 year old is working on electrical... I'm working on drywall... .(finishing... first coat got put on last night)

I haven't seen a phone yet... .so... .I haven't brought it up.

FF