Cheated on while recovering from surgery - need advice/support

[Depression = 72% of members]

NSFW. I posted this in another support group and someone suggested I cross-post it here, so I am. I guess I'm really just looking for support and for someone to hear my side of things. This has been one of the worst times in my life. I would also like to know if anyone has gone through this and can give me advice, like if there is a problem that is going to happen that I may not have anticipated.

This gets long, just FYI, it's not a quick post, it's a saga. I needed to pour out everything. No worries if it's not something you're able or want to read right now. I'm hoping to connect with someone similar to myself or who has lived through it, for advice and validation.

Backstory: Me (NB/31) and my partner (M/31) live with my parents. We've been married 3 years and together for almost 10. We've been living here the past year and a half - it was supposed to be a few months, but my partner's mental health plummeted and he had a bunch of associated health issues. We spent all year going to various doctors with him unable to work. He got a job in the fall after finally getting okay medication support. He's officially diagnosed bipolar but has an unofficial BPD diagnosis, and is pretty textbook in his behavior around abandonment.

By December we had really good new health insurance with the new job, stopped seeing the state-sponsored people who literally poisoned him with a combo/dose level of medications that our new doctors were appalled by, and he got set up on a combination of Effexor and Seroquel that seemed to be helping.

In the first few weeks I felt like I got my person back. I nearly burst into tears several times after seeing his personality and spark back in his face after months of suicidal ideation and depression. He is a kind-hearted, gentle person normally, the type who adopts stray kittens. He's been supportive towards me while I pursued various dreams, been a good cheerleader for me often. In good times, we have a playful and mutual-growth-oriented relationship. I was overjoyed to see his energy and light return. I had almost lost hope.

Little did I know the nightmare was just beginning.

By January he is not complying with the Seroquel, which means he's getting so sped up my dad, who tried just about everything in the 70's, thought he was taking speed. We're financially on the brink, but he uses the money from his new job to invest thousands in cryptocurrency. I recognize he is manic and call his psychiatrist. Her staff assures me they will talk to him and they do discuss medication compliance. He says he will take the medication as prescribed. He's lying.

At the same time, my own health has fallen into crisis. I have a rapidly growing fibroid tumor the doctors keep assuring me "has such a small chance of being cancer" while they worriedly do every test for cancer, because they don't normally grow this fast unless it is in fact cancer. I have a second cancer scare at the same time, completely unrelated, just yet another stress and I have to have some very painful procedures done for that.

Meanwhile the tumor grows to the size of a small watermelon in several months. I'm not a big person and I look completely pregnant by the time I have surgery. It is crushing my bladder so I have to pee 15x a day, and it ruins my digestive system so I can't eat; without going into more detail, I have all the different digestive problems possible. I've lost almost 20% of my body weight this year and again, I did not start out large. Average to thin. I can't sleep because of night sweats and constant bathroom needs. My mental health is threadbare. I am visibly physically not healthy. My self-esteem is pretty poor.

We've had an open relationship in the past - which he has been great in as long as I'm sleeping with women, can't deal with men - but have shuttered it all last year due to living with parents and his request for monogamy while he works on his mental health. I readily agree to this, thinking it's a great idea. I'm so happy he's finally making it his first priority.

In February, we have a miscommunication and he thinks we're opening the relationship up. I thought we were bantering, and was upset when I start to sense he is talking to other people. I ask him about it, he says we had agreed to this. I am confused, and say we haven't. He keeps pushing for me to agree - asks the same question five different ways - and I say no four times and yes once.

I am still annoyed at myself that I did this. I never do things like this, I say what I truly want all the time and am known for bluntness. It annoys me I was acting out of fear - I was afraid he wasn't going to take no for an answer, afraid he would leave me, or cheat on me and I would leave him, and I'm especially afraid because I am on his health insurance and I need major surgery asap.

Within a week he has set up a date and I realize how stupid I was to say yes at first - I know in my current state him dating would be intolerable, I'm so sick and I need support. I communicate my mistake, that I really should have stuck to no. By the second week of March our relationship is mutually agreed to be monogamous, full stop.

My surgery is scheduled for April. I am having a hysterectomy. Partially by choice (I really don't want kids, or another tumor situation which had a high likelihood of happening), partially because I have to consent to one anyway given the size/location of my tumor, which sort of makes it a no brainer for me. I am hoping to keep my ovaries but they're taking everything else.

From March through June my partner becomes more and more out of control. He drinks all day after work, and then during work, and then before work. Soon he is drunk all day every single day. In May he told me I needed to fix my attitude and work on how I communicated my needs to him better, because frankly he was sick of it and for three weeks had been trying to get me to change my behavior.

It was three weeks exactly since my surgery. I realized he was operating from a level of delusion that frightened me. It was like I hadn't had surgery at all.

In June he starts driving drunk all the time (behind my back, more lying). I find out when he gets a DUI - he went out into the surrounding farms and according to him, drove into a ditch intentionally. His behavior to me is erratic and occasionally violent - he throws keys at me multiple times, as well as crumpled up pieces of paper, drags me out of a room by the arm, pushes me, etc.

I go to an Al-Anon meeting. My life feels like a surreal nightmare. "Hi, my name is notgreatbob" "(chorus) Hi, notgreatbob". I know the script but I'm confused how I got on set. I don't remember auditioning for this role.

I talk to my family, work on making sure we're not enabling him. I read several books on borderline personality disorder, re-read the ones I already have. I'm trying so hard to set boundaries. I read that it gets worse before it gets better. I pray it really does. I have no proof, but his abusive behavior towards me pretty much confirms in my mind he is cheating.

He hates me. How could he hate me? He's ashamed. Why is he ashamed? Something I don't know about. What would make him so ashamed that he would keep it from me, and then lash out at me all the time because of it? The answer was obvious.

On Monday this week I find bank charges I don't recognize. He claims to be blackout drunk that day, doesn't remember them. I am not stupid. I give him a chance to tell me the truth - one more time asking if there is anything he's done that he's hiding because he knows it would hurt me. He says no.

The next day I go digging. I've known in my gut since March he either cheated or is cheating actively. I spent six hours going through bank statements, his PayPal account, Facebook messages. I download or forward everything to myself.

I find he's been paying hundreds (over a grand in June alone) from just the accounts I had access to. He's paying multiple women online in some sad sack version of a sugar daddy relationship. I find he's been googling things like "do you legally have to ask if they are the age of consent" and "do sugar daddies get sex in return". He's also been googling "over the counter viagara rite aid" and "how to kill yourself in a car" and "seroquel overdose".

I find the pictures he sent to himself from his main email account to a dummy account, ones of a naked girl from the date he had back in March. He never stopped dating her. He was sending himself pictures of her tits the night before my surgery.

He's started up a sexual (virtual) relationship with a woman he slept with back when we were open a couple years ago. She often asks about me in a nice way. It's obvious she thinks everything is above board.

I wanted to scream and cry and break down into a million pieces and bemoan the fact that at my most vulnerable -the time in my adult life I have needed the most care - I have been abandoned. He didn't spent twenty minutes with me in the first week I was home from surgery. I had to ask him to bring in a chair and keep me company, because I'd been alone for days in my room. He was getting more explosively violent the weaker I got. Threw a notebook at me when I wouldn't get up to make him a grocery list, when I could barely sit up or walk, five days after getting home from the hospital.

This is a heavy weight. Instead of screaming, I sit on my mat and meditate. I think about who I want to be in the next moments of my life. I think about Mike from Breaking Bad (& Better Call Saul). He is one of my heroes. He never lets people rattle him, ever. He does exactly what needs to be done, and he does it with a kind of dogged grace. I decide I will be exactly like Mike. Because then I can walk away from this with pride and self-respect. All the shame and pain should belong to him.

Tuesday I stop at Starbucks on the way home from picking my partner up from work and ask him to talk with me - he agrees, knows what is coming. I pull out a notepad and start asking questions. I have a meticulous list of bank charges, messages, dates. I'm not going to be swayed. He smashes my iced coffee off the table so it flew on me somewhat. I flicked off ice like I was bored and kept talking in the same calm voice. He took the notebook and ripped it up, and I continued from memory - I have a more than decent rote memory, and knew all the names, dates, charge amounts by heart.

I'd also taken pictures of all my notes and emailed them to myself beforehand. What would Mike do? Mike would be careful.

He explains that this is my fault - he's been asking me for companionship for months, and I haven't been available. He explains how last month he helped one of his sugar daddy relationships when she was in the middle of a breakup with an abusive ex, how he helped her fix her car windows and paid for her expenses and talked her down from the brink of suicide.

How it finally made him feel good about himself. The way I refused to.

I think how stupid he is, that he believed that story, and then I think how obvious it is, that what he is really paying her for is that story.

He wanted to be a hero. And he was given ample opportunity, with a sick partner who kept asking for more attention, more support, more love, and who tried to give him every chance to step up. I am pathologically independent, but I really needed someone, and I knew I needed to learn to need people, and so I tried.

I really tried to offer him the steering wheel, really tried to say "Hey, I need you to drive us to safety. I am too sick and too tired to keep up." But he kept refusing, letting me down. Now I know he was busy being a hero for someone else, at least in his mind.

I asked every question I wanted to ask, took my time, stayed casual and calm. He says he hasn't had physical sexual contact with anyone. I haven't been intimate with him except a couple times this year, so I'm not too worried even if he is lying. I'll get tested. Everything he's done that I found has been through photos, videos, phone calls, etc. Of course I don't trust for certain he hasn't slept with someone.

He explained all the various charges, the little notes he sent them "Allowance" "Money for clothes fit for a goddess" etc.

He wanted to give this attention to me, but I didn't want it. That's his line. That I forced him to seek out other people because I was being cold and withholding.

I know he's delusional enough not to give that a second thought, but it still hurt to hear.

I didn't show pain. I told him I was heartbroken but I was going to process this. I told him I was going to make up my mind about what to do in my own time. He offered to help me financially as we split up. Help me move out to the city we had planned to move together.

He said he had discovered that this is what he likes to do, give women money. I didn't throw up or hit him in the face. I was so proud of myself in that moment, that my face didn't even flicker.

I'm not a woman. I was his ___ing wife.

I already locked him out of any financial accounts we shared access to that were in my name. We don't have any assets (hooray being poor) so there's nothing there to fight over. We got married in a no fault divorce state. The legality and logistics seem easy to me. Financially is the only sticking point - I'm only part time employed right now, living paycheck to paycheck, and looking for work but don't have any yet.

As of today, I'm only making about half of my minimum monthly expenses. My parents are already not charging me rent to help me through this time, but I have student loans, car bill and phone bill in my name. I've racked up some credit card debt with living expenses and medical bills, but it's on a 0% card for another year, so I can let that float and make minimum payments until I get back on my feet.

My thought is to let him continue living here (we have separate rooms). Allow him to pay for the car we both use, the health insurance I can't otherwise afford (I still need to see the doctor for a few things). Basically wait until I am financially stable, hopefully I can get a job, any bill-paying job, within a month. At that point I will file for divorce and ask him to move out.

If he loses his job, gets arrested again, etc, then he will have to immediately move out and I'll deal with that if it happens. I'm really hoping I can get my head straight this week, get my focus back and hustle. I know how to hustle for work, I've freelanced for years. It's just hard to think clearly right now. He cheated during another period about five years ago now, and I had finally relaxed back into trusting him. It turns out it doesn't hurt as much the second time, but it still hurts plenty.

I know I'm not going to give this any more shots. I contacted his family - mom, older sister - to let them know about his suicidal stuff and drinking, and alluded to the fact he cheated (used the phrase "dragged our relationship through the mud", pretty sure that's female-code they'll get). They both know I'm at the end of my rope but I didn't tell them I was leaving him for sure. I won't share information like that until I'm prepared to deal with the fallout.

I fully expect a suicidal throwdown, potentially violent outburst from him when we actually part ways. He has refused to see the substance abuse counselor his psychiatrist referred him to. So I'll be ready for that. I know to be careful in that way, make sure he's not around weapons, serve him the papers in public. Whether or not he lashes out at me, I fully expect him to attempt suicide soon after we split.

Is there anything I'm missing? Anyone been through something similar? If you read this far, bless you. I really tried not to make it this long but it felt impossible.

[notgreatbob]

NSFW. I posted this in another support group and someone suggested I cross-post it here, so I am. I guess I'm really just looking for support and for someone to hear my side of things. This has been one of the worst times in my life. I would also like to know if anyone has gone through this and can give me advice, like if there is a problem that is going to happen that I may not have anticipated.

This gets long, just FYI, it's not a quick post, it's a saga. I needed to pour out everything. No worries if it's not something you're able or want to read right now. I'm hoping to connect with someone similar to myself or who has lived through it, for advice and validation.

Backstory: Me (NB/31) and my partner (M/31) live with my parents. We've been married 3 years and together for almost 10. We've been living here the past year and a half - it was supposed to be a few months, but my partner's mental health plummeted and he had a bunch of associated health issues. We spent all year going to various doctors with him unable to work. He got a job in the fall after finally getting okay medication support. He's officially diagnosed bipolar but has an unofficial BPD diagnosis, and is pretty textbook in his behavior around abandonment.

By December we had really good new health insurance with the new job, stopped seeing the state-sponsored people who literally poisoned him with a combo/dose level of medications that our new doctors were appalled by, and he got set up on a combination of Effexor and Seroquel that seemed to be helping.

In the first few weeks I felt like I got my person back. I nearly burst into tears several times after seeing his personality and spark back in his face after months of suicidal ideation and depression. He is a kind-hearted, gentle person normally, the type who adopts stray kittens. He's been supportive towards me while I pursued various dreams, been a good cheerleader for me often. In good times, we have a playful and mutual-growth-oriented relationship. I was overjoyed to see his energy and light return. I had almost lost hope.

Little did I know the nightmare was just beginning.

By January he is not complying with the Seroquel, which means he's getting so sped up my dad, who tried just about everything in the 70's, thought he was taking speed. We're financially on the brink, but he uses the money from his new job to invest thousands in cryptocurrency. I recognize he is manic and call his psychiatrist. Her staff assures me they will talk to him and they do discuss medication compliance. He says he will take the medication as prescribed. He's lying.

At the same time, my own health has fallen into crisis. I have a rapidly growing fibroid tumor the doctors keep assuring me "has such a small chance of being cancer" while they worriedly do every test for cancer, because they don't normally grow this fast unless it is in fact cancer. I have a second cancer scare at the same time, completely unrelated, just yet another stress and I have to have some very painful procedures done for that.

Meanwhile the tumor grows to the size of a small watermelon in several months. I'm not a big person and I look completely pregnant by the time I have surgery. It is crushing my bladder so I have to pee 15x a day, and it ruins my digestive system so I can't eat; without going into more detail, I have all the different digestive problems possible. I've lost almost 20% of my body weight this year and again, I did not start out large. Average to thin. I can't sleep because of night sweats and constant bathroom needs. My mental health is threadbare. I am visibly physically not healthy. My self-esteem is pretty poor.

We've had an open relationship in the past - which he has been great in as long as I'm sleeping with women, can't deal with men - but have shuttered it all last year due to living with parents and his request for monogamy while he works on his mental health. I readily agree to this, thinking it's a great idea. I'm so happy he's finally making it his first priority.

In February, we have a miscommunication and he thinks we're opening the relationship up. I thought we were bantering, and was upset when I start to sense he is talking to other people. I ask him about it, he says we had agreed to this. I am confused, and say we haven't. He keeps pushing for me to agree - asks the same question five different ways - and I say no four times and yes once.

I am still annoyed at myself that I did this. I never do things like this, I say what I truly want all the time and am known for bluntness. It annoys me I was acting out of fear - I was afraid he wasn't going to take no for an answer, afraid he would leave me, or cheat on me and I would leave him, and I'm especially afraid because I am on his health insurance and I need major surgery asap.

Within a week he has set up a date and I realize how stupid I was to say yes at first - I know in my current state him dating would be intolerable, I'm so sick and I need support. I communicate my mistake, that I really should have stuck to no. By the second week of March our relationship is mutually agreed to be monogamous, full stop.

My surgery is scheduled for April. I am having a hysterectomy. Partially by choice (I really don't want kids, or another tumor situation which had a high likelihood of happening), partially because I have to consent to one anyway given the size/location of my tumor, which sort of makes it a no brainer for me. I am hoping to keep my ovaries but they're taking everything else.

From March through June my partner becomes more and more out of control. He drinks all day after work, and then during work, and then before work. Soon he is drunk all day every single day. In May he told me I needed to fix my attitude and work on how I communicated my needs to him better, because frankly he was sick of it and for three weeks had been trying to get me to change my behavior.

It was three weeks exactly since my surgery. I realized he was operating from a level of delusion that frightened me. It was like I hadn't had surgery at all.

In June he starts driving drunk all the time (behind my back, more lying). I find out when he gets a DUI - he went out into the surrounding farms and according to him, drove into a ditch intentionally. His behavior to me is erratic and occasionally violent - he throws keys at me multiple times, as well as crumpled up pieces of paper, drags me out of a room by the arm, pushes me, etc.

I go to an Al-Anon meeting. My life feels like a surreal nightmare. "Hi, my name is notgreatbob" "(chorus) Hi, notgreatbob". I know the script but I'm confused how I got on set. I don't remember auditioning for this role.

I talk to my family, work on making sure we're not enabling him. I read several books on borderline personality disorder, re-read the ones I already have. I'm trying so hard to set boundaries. I read that it gets worse before it gets better. I pray it really does. I have no proof, but his abusive behavior towards me pretty much confirms in my mind he is cheating.

He hates me. How could he hate me? He's ashamed. Why is he ashamed? Something I don't know about. What would make him so ashamed that he would keep it from me, and then lash out at me all the time because of it? The answer was obvious.

On Monday this week I find bank charges I don't recognize. He claims to be blackout drunk that day, doesn't remember them. I am not stupid. I give him a chance to tell me the truth - one more time asking if there is anything he's done that he's hiding because he knows it would hurt me. He says no.

The next day I go digging. I've known in my gut since March he either cheated or is cheating actively. I spent six hours going through bank statements, his PayPal account, Facebook messages. I download or forward everything to myself.

I find he's been paying hundreds (over a grand in June alone) from just the accounts I had access to. He's paying multiple women online in some sad sack version of a sugar daddy relationship. I find he's been googling things like "do you legally have to ask if they are the age of consent" and "do sugar daddies get sex in return". He's also been googling "over the counter viagara rite aid" and "how to kill yourself in a car" and "seroquel overdose".

I find the pictures he sent to himself from his main email account to a dummy account, ones of a naked girl from the date he had back in March. He never stopped dating her. He was sending himself pictures of her tits the night before my surgery.

He's started up a sexual (virtual) relationship with a woman he slept with back when we were open a couple years ago. She often asks about me in a nice way. It's obvious she thinks everything is above board.

I wanted to scream and cry and break down into a million pieces and bemoan the fact that at my most vulnerable -the time in my adult life I have needed the most care - I have been abandoned. He didn't spent twenty minutes with me in the first week I was home from surgery. I had to ask him to bring in a chair and keep me company, because I'd been alone for days in my room. He was getting more explosively violent the weaker I got. Threw a notebook at me when I wouldn't get up to make him a grocery list, when I could barely sit up or walk, five days after getting home from the hospital.

This is a heavy weight. Instead of screaming, I sit on my mat and meditate. I think about who I want to be in the next moments of my life. I think about Mike from Breaking Bad (& Better Call Saul). He is one of my heroes. He never lets people rattle him, ever. He does exactly what needs to be done, and he does it with a kind of dogged grace. I decide I will be exactly like Mike. Because then I can walk away from this with pride and self-respect. All the shame and pain should belong to him.

Tuesday I stop at Starbucks on the way home from picking my partner up from work and ask him to talk with me - he agrees, knows what is coming. I pull out a notepad and start asking questions. I have a meticulous list of bank charges, messages, dates. I'm not going to be swayed. He smashes my iced coffee off the table so it flew on me somewhat. I flicked off ice like I was bored and kept talking in the same calm voice. He took the notebook and ripped it up, and I continued from memory - I have a more than decent rote memory, and knew all the names, dates, charge amounts by heart.

I'd also taken pictures of all my notes and emailed them to myself beforehand. What would Mike do? Mike would be careful.

He explains that this is my fault - he's been asking me for companionship for months, and I haven't been available. He explains how last month he helped one of his sugar daddy relationships when she was in the middle of a breakup with an abusive ex, how he helped her fix her car windows and paid for her expenses and talked her down from the brink of suicide.

How it finally made him feel good about himself. The way I refused to.

I think how stupid he is, that he believed that story, and then I think how obvious it is, that what he is really paying her for is that story.

He wanted to be a hero. And he was given ample opportunity, with a sick partner who kept asking for more attention, more support, more love, and who tried to give him every chance to step up. I am pathologically independent, but I really needed someone, and I knew I needed to learn to need people, and so I tried.

I really tried to offer him the steering wheel, really tried to say "Hey, I need you to drive us to safety. I am too sick and too tired to keep up." But he kept refusing, letting me down. Now I know he was busy being a hero for someone else, at least in his mind.

I asked every question I wanted to ask, took my time, stayed casual and calm. He says he hasn't had physical sexual contact with anyone. I haven't been intimate with him except a couple times this year, so I'm not too worried even if he is lying. I'll get tested. Everything he's done that I found has been through photos, videos, phone calls, etc. Of course I don't trust for certain he hasn't slept with someone.

He explained all the various charges, the little notes he sent them "Allowance" "Money for clothes fit for a goddess" etc.

He wanted to give this attention to me, but I didn't want it. That's his line. That I forced him to seek out other people because I was being cold and withholding.

I know he's delusional enough not to give that a second thought, but it still hurt to hear.

I didn't show pain. I told him I was heartbroken but I was going to process this. I told him I was going to make up my mind about what to do in my own time. He offered to help me financially as we split up. Help me move out to the city we had planned to move together.

He said he had discovered that this is what he likes to do, give women money. I didn't throw up or hit him in the face. I was so proud of myself in that moment, that my face didn't even flicker.

I'm not a woman. I was his ___ing wife.

I already locked him out of any financial accounts we shared access to that were in my name. We don't have any assets (hooray being poor) so there's nothing there to fight over. We got married in a no fault divorce state. The legality and logistics seem easy to me. Financially is the only sticking point - I'm only part time employed right now, living paycheck to paycheck, and looking for work but don't have any yet.

As of today, I'm only making about half of my minimum monthly expenses. My parents are already not charging me rent to help me through this time, but I have student loans, car bill and phone bill in my name. I've racked up some credit card debt with living expenses and medical bills, but it's on a 0% card for another year, so I can let that float and make minimum payments until I get back on my feet.

My thought is to let him continue living here (we have separate rooms). Allow him to pay for the car we both use, the health insurance I can't otherwise afford (I still need to see the doctor for a few things). Basically wait until I am financially stable, hopefully I can get a job, any bill-paying job, within a month. At that point I will file for divorce and ask him to move out.

If he loses his job, gets arrested again, etc, then he will have to immediately move out and I'll deal with that if it happens. I'm really hoping I can get my head straight this week, get my focus back and hustle. I know how to hustle for work, I've freelanced for years. It's just hard to think clearly right now. He cheated during another period about five years ago now, and I had finally relaxed back into trusting him. It turns out it doesn't hurt as much the second time, but it still hurts plenty.

I know I'm not going to give this any more shots. I contacted his family - mom, older sister - to let them know about his suicidal stuff and drinking, and alluded to the fact he cheated (used the phrase "dragged our relationship through the mud", pretty sure that's female-code they'll get). They both know I'm at the end of my rope but I didn't tell them I was leaving him for sure. I won't share information like that until I'm prepared to deal with the fallout.

I fully expect a suicidal throwdown, potentially violent outburst from him when we actually part ways. He has refused to see the substance abuse counselor his psychiatrist referred him to. So I'll be ready for that. I know to be careful in that way, make sure he's not around weapons, serve him the papers in public. Whether or not he lashes out at me, I fully expect him to attempt suicide soon after we split.

Is there anything I'm missing? Anyone been through something similar? If you read this far, bless you. I really tried not to make it this long but it felt impossible.

[Harley Quinn]

notgreatbob, welcome to the site.  I'm so glad that you were directed here.   

Your post was very thorough and well written I might add.  I certainly feel like I can understand your situation and thought process.  I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all that you have, sadly and unfortunately quite typically when you least needed that.  Whilst you hustle and organise things you must also be overcome with a lot of emotions all at once I'd imagine?  You're in good company.  We're all recovering from dysfunctional relationships so you're far from alone. 

Once you're on your feet and serve him with divorce papers, will you be asking him to leave or do you plan to have him move out prior to that?  When you say that he will have a potentially violent outburst, what plans do you have to safeguard yourself if that is a possibility?

Keep posting and I'd encourage you to check out other threads.  There's a wealth of experience here.  We're here for you 

Love and light x
 

[notgreatbob]

Once you're on your feet and serve him with divorce papers, will you be asking him to leave or do you plan to have him move out prior to that?  When you say that he will have a potentially violent outburst, what plans do you have to safeguard yourself if that is a possibility?

Thanks so much for your reply! These are really good questions. They helped me clarify some stuff for myself.

1. Ideally, he moves out first. Our old plan was for me to get a job and move north, then for him to follow eventually (either immediately as he can get work, or he was talking about staying here for a while as his job has some financial incentives he wanted to earn).

After the confrontation he has stopped drinking as much, and was lucid for the first time in a long time. I was able to use that opportunity to have a talk about the future where he didn't dysregulate immediately.

He actually said all these things I'd been dying to hear for months (he knows I've never betrayed him, that I love him, that I've only ever been loyal and looked after his best interests) and took responsibility for all his actions (said he knows he hurts me because I see potential in him he can't live up to, and then he lashes out at me to cope and how sorry he is he does this, how I'm a good person and he has spent years hurting me for no reason).

I don't trust that this will stick. Like I think he's sincere, and he does see and believe these things. But I know better by now. The next time he dysregulates and/or he splits me I'll go back to being a manipulative, selfish person who wants to get rid of him. Anyway.

We agreed to keep to our plan for now. He expressed his desire to be moved out before we split up (he is talking like we're splitting but I know he still thinks/hopes I'll take him back), to not have to face my parents once the truth comes out, and I am certainly fine with that. I don't want them to deal with any of this. So for now... .things are moving and I feel good about the direction.

2. Answering your questions helped me see how much I'm still invested in setting him up in a safe (as possible) place before leaving him. I know it would be better for me if I was self-focused, but I'm not. I still love him.

He'll almost certainly attempt suicide after we split. Likely right away, in panic. A support network is the difference between him living through that or not. I don't hate him. He cried on the floor of the kitchen two days ago and I held him. Any pain or suffering I could wish on him is already happening.

I've told him that I'm compartmentalizing, that I can't process this like a normal human until we're out of crisis mode, and we are still in the depths of crisis mode. Like financially, as a unit; and individually, with his drinking and addictions. So I can be a friend to him but his romantic partner has checked out.

He has agreed to see the substance abuse counselor. I have filled his family in (without telling him) and they are getting involved (without telling him I filled them in). His brother who has struggled and then had success with sobriety got him to agree to go to an AA meeting. So maybe he'll do one or the other.

I'll be sure to have the divorce conversation in public, in a safe place, and bring along a friend or family member (he will likely stay much more regulated in front of someone else). I have a younger brother (adult, big guy) who I can call and who would be here in a heartbeat, and he's a very calming influence and I think having him there would be ideal.

I'm going to ask the trauma counselor I'm seeing in August for more guidance here as well.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi notgreatbob,

How are things going?  I'm wondering if you've had suicide threats/attempts from him in the past?  Sorry if I missed that in your post, but can't see any mention.  What is it that makes you sure he will make an attempt?  Does he have a history?

Love and light x

[notgreatbob]

Hey, thanks for checking in!

Suicide: Yes, strong history, starting as a teen (before we met, we met right after I graduated college). One attempt during the first couple years we dated (freaked out about moving away to go to back to college), then two more attempts a few years after that (after confessing to cheating and me breaking up with him- it worked, I never moved out and went right back to taking care of him).

I'm not doing that again. I know we are over now. I don't have another round in me. I want to part ways with a chance of still being friends. We make good friends. But being his partner is too hard. I'm well aware he might not want me as a friend, etc, I may need to go no contact in that case.

We agreed to live out august like we previously planned. He has cut back on work drinking and is drinking significanty less after work. I think he will need help to stop completely, but it has calmed things down a lot. I've started tracking his outbursts in a mood tracker for myself on my phone. It's helping me see the pattern. Or at least, confirming things I suspected, like that most of his dysregulation happens when something stresses him out during a transition (to/from work, things like that).

I am doing what I think are good short term solutions (not talking in the car) - things that are not long term solutions (I mean, not talking would be fine if respectfully requested, but he screamed at me that I am "not allowed to speak" which, no.)

I've been working hard to set up and use my existing support network better. I'm calling my close friends. We made a shared goal calendar to help each other stay on track. That should help me immensely, having that accountability and some positive voices in my life. I'm going out of town a bunch on the weekends to have fun with my people who care about me and like me, so I can recover some self esteem and not fall into his reality distortion field.

I want to see how next week goes and if he starts working on substance abuse counseling. If things move forward he can stay in our living space for August. He is still being verbally abusive and explosively angry (slammed the car door so hard at me the plastic inner door piece popped out, I'm photographing and documenting it all). In a way it's probably good, because it makes me certain I am doing the right thing.

[mama-wolf]

Welcome, notgreatbob... .I wanted to join HQ in saying 

I'm only just catching up on your story, and will be sure to keep an eye out for updates.  It sounds like you have been through quite a whirlwind, especially over the past several months, and I'm so sorry you have been going through all of this.  I am sure the fibroid scare and subsequent surgery/recovery were very difficult things to go through without true, loving support from your partner.

I just recently separated from my wife of 11 years (been together for 15), and have had to navigate some similar dynamics, though from your description it sounds like your partner's mental health concerns and behaviors have been more extreme than anything I have dealt with myself.  I really admire the strength you have shown through the descriptions of how you have been handing the situation.

You have described a lot of your partner's behavior, some of your feelings about it, and some of the plans you are making.  But how are you doing right now?  How is your recovery from surgery going?  Your physical health?  And what are you doing for self care on an ongoing basis?  You mentioned meditation, which is fantastic, and you mentioned seeing a trauma counselor.  Is that someone who you will see on a regular basis?  Have you been seeing a therapist at all, or is that person going to be someone you see for a while?

You mentioned some key things, like awareness of the cognitive distortions, limits to behaviors, etc.  But I'm also hearing a huge sense of obligation on your part to take care of your partner.  Yes, part of that comes from being in a relationship with someone, from loving them, but in a situation like this the caregiving role gets blown up so far beyond what is healthy for us as the caregiver that it ultimately breaks us down.  To the point where we cannot take care of ourselves... .or anyone else.  As you have read through materials and this site, have you come across FOG?  I am far from an expert on this, but here's a link for more details:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I think about Mike from Breaking Bad (& Better Call Saul). He is one of my heroes. He never lets people rattle him, ever. He does exactly what needs to be done, and he does it with a kind of dogged grace.

Mike is awesome.  A total bada$$ who knows his priorities, sets limits (though sometimes in a pretty harsh way), and still has a soft spot even though it's carefully hidden.  If I recall correctly, Mike didn't have a good end, mainly because he let his soft spot get him into trouble.

That is not to say we should forget caring about others and trying to help them.  But I think there is a very appropriate parallel here that shouldn't be ignored.  Mike got drawn into a really bad situation that kept getting further and further out of control--particularly because the person he was dealing with (Walter) was so imbalanced himself.

You are doing a lot to care for your partner, and I have the impression he will keep taking what he can get in that regard.  It sounds like you have set some limits on his behavior that will determine outcomes in the coming weeks, like behavior that will determine whether or not he can stay at your parents' house for the remainder of August.  Have you established similar limits (boundaries) for yourself?  How many times will you hold him on the kitchen floor before it starts to really break you down?

He wanted to be a hero. And he was given ample opportunity, with a sick partner who kept asking for more attention, more support, more love, and who tried to give him every chance to step up. I am pathologically independent, but I really needed someone, and I knew I needed to learn to need people, and so I tried.

I really tried to offer him the steering wheel, really tried to say "Hey, I need you to drive us to safety. I am too sick and too tired to keep up." But he kept refusing, letting me down. Now I know he was busy being a hero for someone else, at least in his mind.

In addition to your partner's underlying issues, it sounds like he may have been triggered by the reality that you have needs, too.  I came to the realization sometime last year that my wife would never be able to provide me the kind of physical, mental, and emotional support required to help me through a health crisis.  She had been through (and continues to go through) one health issue after another herself, and by late last year I had reached total emotional burnout from it all (also known clinically as caregiver burnout).  It was a major eye-opener for me and it is what finally prompted me to seek therapy.

I'm so sorry you ended up experiencing this lack of support, and that your partner took it a step further to actually seek to provide "support" to others instead.  I know that has hurt you deeply.

It sounds like you have a solid plan to get a job lined up, get your finances set up, and get separated/divorced from your partner.  Making concrete plans really helped me start to overcome some of the anxiety I was having each day as I moved closer to separating from my uBPDw.  I hope it helps you and that all goes smoothly!  I know the job market can be pretty challenging, depending on your line of work, but stay at it... .

I fully expect a suicidal throwdown, potentially violent outburst from him when we actually part ways.

Whether or not he lashes out at me, I fully expect him to attempt suicide soon after we split.

He'll almost certainly attempt suicide after we split. Likely right away, in panic. A support network is the difference between him living through that or not.

Very important message here:  You are not responsible for your partner's choices, feelings, actions, or reactions... .up to and including suicidal thoughts or behaviors.  He is responsible for his mental health, for seeking support, for following instructions from healthcare professionals, etc.  I bring this up because my own therapist has had to remind me of this when I have mentioned fears of my stbx potentially going suicidal herself.  What's absolutely key here is you identifying what your healthy boundaries are, without taking on responsibility for him, and sticking to them.

I've been working hard to set up and use my existing support network better.

Good job on this one!  It can be so tempting to want to isolate ourselves, or keep ourselves in the isolation that being in a relationship with a pwBPD can cause.  I have work on this myself sometimes, and have to proactively make specific plans with friends to combat it.  Keep going!

He is still being verbally abusive and explosively angry (slammed the car door so hard at me the plastic inner door piece popped out, I'm photographing and documenting it all). In a way it's probably good, because it makes me certain I am doing the right thing.

I'm very sorry he keeps exhibiting this behavior, but you're right... .it at least helps remind us that we're not crazy.  That it actually is as bad as we think it is.  Keep your documentation on these things and be sure to go back on it if you start to doubt the severity and reality of the situation.  Recovering self esteem from this kind of thing can be really hard (I'm in the thick of it myself), and the temptation can be extremely strong to revise history so that it really wasn't as bad as we thought it was... .therefore we were wrong and made the mistake, were the bad guy for leaving, etc.

You're doing great.  Just don't forget to really take care of yourself... .

mw

[mama-wolf]

Hi there notgreatbob... .It has been a while and we haven't heard from you.  How are things going?

[notgreatbob]

Hi there notgreatbob... .It has been a while and we haven't heard from you.  How are things going?

Hey there!

Thanks so much for your reply and support, there was a lot to consider and a lot of good advice in your post. Sorry for disappearing for so long - life got nuts and I completely forgot about this board.

To sum up: Things got a lot worse, and then they got a little better. My ex did end up having a suicidal breakdown upon being told I wanted a divorce. September was a blur. Very long story short, he spent 9 days in a behavioral health hospital where they kept him alive and got him back on his medication. Upon coming out of the hospital he moved out, and has gone back to work. He's still struggling with addiction and drinking, but he's doing a lot better in terms of stability, is no longer manic and is going to a weekly support group and seeing a psychiatrist.

I've been working on filing divorce paperwork (went to a free workshop at the local law library) - I have to have him served this week. I also took a trip to my grandma's (lives in another city) for a week which was a really nice time and helped me rejuvenate a little bit. Needless to say this has been a draining summer and fall.

I'm still seeing a counselor, every few weeks. It was helpful to keep me on track with my plans for going through with the divorce in terms of accountability. I'm in the middle of taking the 12 week NAMI Family to Family course, and that has been part education/part support group. I journal, do yoga and meditate a lot.

In addition to your partner's underlying issues, it sounds like he may have been triggered by the reality that you have needs, too.  I came to the realization sometime last year that my wife would never be able to provide me the kind of physical, mental, and emotional support required to help me through a health crisis.  She had been through (and continues to go through) one health issue after another herself, and by late last year I had reached total emotional burnout from it all (also known clinically as caregiver burnout).  It was a major eye-opener for me and it is what finally prompted me to seek therapy.

I identify with this, the emotional burnout and process of recognizing that my needs are unlikely to ever get met unless major changes happen. That those changes are someone else's to make. And then ultimately deciding I was unwilling to wait for those changes.

It's been a few weeks since he moved out and I am not yet used to the lack of daily stress. I still see him regularly. Logistically we have to be sharing the one vehicle (community property state) until the divorce is final. Ideally I'd like to be friends, and that's tentatively where we are now (I'll bring over some things of his or some mail, we'll watch TV for a bit, etc).

I'm happy things have calmed down, and I'm looking forward to all the things I'll get to do now that my life is finally changing. It's just now starting to seem real. I'm motivated to get all the divorce paperwork handled over the next month or so it's going to take, so then I can really spend all my mental energy on my own self, and plans and future.

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and give such thoughtful feedback. I hope things are going well for you!

[ambermj]

You are a strong woman. You should be proud of yourself.

My SO also uses alcohol and sex to cope. I'm new to learning about BPD but when I read about it, it just explains everything about why she does what she does.

She's a very sexual person and drinks. I travel 20 days a month for work so I know she was having sex while I was gone. We talked about it. I told her I wanted her to be open about it and not be sneaky. As long as it was safe and not an emotional relationship I would be ok with an open relationship. (although she doesn't want me having the same freedom) She had a couple of guys from before I met her that were available for NSA sex. Then, she felt I didn't/couldn't love her if I allowed her to do this. I told her OK then, if you feel that way, you can't, but anything behind my back will be considered cheating. Well now I'm pretty sure when she drinks she finds her NSA friends. I found evidence and confronted her. Apologies and smoothing over we are still together. I still don't know how this is going to work with me being gone so much. I'm really ok with her getting her needs met and being honest with me but I think she gets a thrill from doing something she isn't supposed to do. She's even told me as much.

Anyways, I'm not trying to turn this thread into talking about my problem, just trying to connect with you as someone who has some of the same issues. We are about 10 months into our relationship. In our 40's. I support her and she has trouble holding down a job. No license for 10+years due to past DUI's. She's very loving and affectionate to me and that's what I like about her but as I'm learning, that can go away as she starts to fear losing me. We are entering that faze now.

[mama-wolf]

To sum up: Things got a lot worse, and then they got a little better. My ex did end up having a suicidal breakdown upon being told I wanted a divorce. September was a blur.

I'm happy things have calmed down, and I'm looking forward to all the things I'll get to do now that my life is finally changing. It's just now starting to seem real. I'm motivated to get all the divorce paperwork handled over the next month or so it's going to take, so then I can really spend all my mental energy on my own self, and plans and future.

notgreatbob, I'm glad to hear things are getting better!  It's quite an adjustment to have the daily stress removed.  Personally, since my uBPDxw is no longer around to subject me to her constant criticism and demands that I be her version of a better person, my inner critic has been working hard to fill those shoes.  It has been taking me a lot of effort to shut that off, and I hope you're not experiencing the same on your end!

It sounds like you're doing very well with focusing on your needs.  Having to be in contact with ex pwBPDs can be very stressful (I know it is for me since we have to interact about our kids), but it seems you're managing that pretty well too.  Good for you!

I hope all goes smoothly with the divorce!

mw