What Is Her Game?

[RomanticFool]

So my ex contacted me after 4 weeks NC and asked if the music video I left on Twitter was aimed at her (Badfinger’s Baby Blue) opening line ‘I guess I got what I deserved’ and then goes on to talk about ‘The special love I had for you.’ I told her it was the end of Breaking Bad and I just liked the song.

We had a strained conversation in which I told her that I felt her behaviour was now simply cruel and causing me pain and I was no longer going to tolerate ST. I said she had always known how much I loved her but was now devaluing me and painting me black. I told her this behaviour was consistent with BPD. We had discussed that we both had traits previously. Of course she now denies point blank that she has BPD traits and says everything is my fault. There has been no further contact.

I don’t understand why she contacted me since I am painted black. Is she simply keeping me in contact for a future recycle or is she biding her time and seeing if I crack and come running back full of undying love for her so she can continue her abusive behaviour with impunity? I told her that any semblance of love between us seems to be gone from her heart and if she didn’t treat me with respect there would be no further contact. I am sticking to this and in my mind the r/s is over.

I suppose I don’t understand why BPDs still want us around once they have become bored or painted us black. If I am no longer boosting her self esteem what is in it for her? Perhaps it was one last contact to see if I would start the adoration of her again. She definitely has waif traits (sometimes a siren and witch too) but it does seem odd to me that she doesn’t have more to say since she was the one that broke the NC. I cannot figure out what her game is at all.

[formflier]

I think she wanted to know that she still mattered or had an impact.  By telling her about her bad behavior, which you obviously cared about... .she felt somewhat validated.

Or she realized she had an impact.  She got her "fix" and is gone.

Why answer this last time?  Why answer next time?


It's unlikely she thought it through the way I described it... .very likely she was uncomfortable and was looking for an emotional release.

FF

[RomanticFool]

Is there anywhere for love in this woman’s heart?

[formflier]

Is there anywhere for love in this woman’s heart?

The likely answer is yes... .but it's not stable. 

Said another way... the way you define it... .and most of us, the answer is likely no.

Sorry you had to go through this... .   

Given another chance... would you have taken the call?

Did she call or text... ?  How did she reach out?

FF

[RomanticFool]

Thanks FF. She texted on WhatsApp. I still love her and I can’t bear not being in contact but she just screws my heart to the wall every time. She didn’t like me holding the mirror up and wanted to focus on my behaviour. I just can’t have her doing ST all the time, especially when I haven’t seen her for 18 months. No sign of her missing me or interest in what I’ve been doing. All she wanted to know was if I’d replaced her. Very sad.

[Harri]

Is she playing a game or is she acting on her impulses? 

She didn’t like me holding the mirror up and wanted to focus on my behaviour.

This too is part of the disorder.

[RomanticFool]

The frustrating thing is we were getting on well before she cut me off FB and she must have known what my reaction would be - more so given the history of her ST. This is where the disorder resides because to her there is no cumulative effect on me. She doesn’t take any of the past into account and given the fact she cut me off FB for something which she feels justified about, she clearly thinks I am the unreasonable one for not going back to normal. Had this been earlier in the r/s she would have begged me to talk to her, but we are well into the devaluing stage and it is clear she doesn’t really care about regular contact. If I had any doubts about her having BPD, I certainly don’t now. It is heartbreaking to see the disorder right in front of me.

[Harri]

I am sorry Romantic Fool.  I know that hurts. 

 

[CMJ]

Hi Romantic Fool,

Read a lot of your threads and I've always been impressed with your capacity for self reflection.

I'm currently having similar thoughts regarding my pwBPD. I'll not go in to details as it's a long story and I don't want to hijack your thread. I'll just say we had a fight last week and as a result I asked her to block me. At that point I was completely done and wanted to ensure there'd be no further contact. She blocks me, I block her back, and that way no-one can contact the other unless we both unblock.

She didn't do it. Oh I got ranted at, I had her position explained (why do that to someone you want gone?), she revealed she attempted suicide last year and my feelings went completely unacknowledged, but no blocking (well, she did block me on FB messenger, but left other avenues open). And this is someone who's blocked me on everything at the drop of a hat in the past. They even once blocked me for saying I hope their family had been unaffected by a terror attack in the city in which they live! It's almost like the blocking has to be on their terms.

I hate you, don't leave me I guess.

Tis very strange.

[RomanticFool]

Hi CMJ,

Thanks for chipping in. Your situation sounds exactly the same as mine. What I have learnt about my ex is that she pushes me away and there will be no contact unless I come crawling back begging her to contact me or until she is ready. I'm sure you've read up about the different stages of BPD so my ex is very much in the devaluing stage with me and nothing it seems can bring it back to the love-bombing stage. Not that there was much of that in the first place.

If I wanted to get her back on side immediately, here is what I would do: Swallow my pride and tell her I miss her beautiful face and I really miss talking to her. I would keep the communication very brief. After an argument it is best not to mention love as when she is angry that just annoys her. Anything to do with how beautiful and intelligent she is would draw her back in because it validates her.

I have never done the above because I am always too emotional and I am always too outraged and want to resolve every single one of my grievances before I can feel good about talking to her again. This is a mistake with a pwBPD because all they are interested in is how they feel. My ex literally has no interest at all in my emotional life. She is only interested in what I'm doing if we are on good terms. As soon as we fall out it is like I don't exist.

I too have been through the push/pull of blocking her on social media and Skip advised me to stop doing it. It never makes me feel very good and I am exactly like my ex in many ways: I want her to come back to me even though I am pushing her away. However, I have tried thousands of times to be direct and tell her how much I care and I don't want to be at war with her and I miss her etc, but I feel as soon as I give the power over to her she takes advantage. I am also usually way too angry to keep blocking/unblocking and be civil towards her. It doesn't work for me.

I have decided to let go of the r/s and haven't seen my ex for 18 months. The trigger came last year when she returned from a cruise and told me her husband had discovered our affair. This was not long after we had slept together. I decided that she was lying and told her that if she didn't want to see me then there was no point in continuing with the r/s and promptly cut her off FB and didn't talk to her for a month. I finally relented and contacted her and she told me that she had tried to take her own life. It was very traumatic and I felt awful. I am still not sure if it is true but I resumed contact and didn't pressure her to meet.

As the last 18 months have unfolded we kept in contact mostly and I tried to take all of the drama out of the situation by trying to be understanding and empathic towards her. It was going fine in the main until a month ago when she said: 'I hesitate to tell you but in the interests of honesty I am coming to your home town with my family.' I was annoyed that I couldn't see her but kept my feelings to myself and said 'Have a good day.' I then became busy with work and figured she would contact me again when she felt like it. Next thing I knew she had cut me off FB. That was the last straw and I let her have it with both barrels. She accused me of ST (which has been her MO for 16 years on and off) and I told her that she was projecting her own character defects onto me.

After a month of NC she contacted me as I have shared on these threads but I decided I had had enough and told her that unless she apologises for the unprovoked ST that I would not resume contact and I haven't. This isn't just about the current disagreement it is a cumulative effect of the years of hell I have been through and I just don't want it anymore. I won't go back to being her victim because I am worth more than that. Here is the ironic thing: She said almost exactly those words during our last conversation (that she was worth more than ST). She also said that I had no reason to be angry at her, basically stealing my arguments and once again projecting all of her own character traits and putting them on me.

If you want to know what a pwBPD is really like, get into an argument with them and everything they are accusing you of, they are almost certainly doing themselves. So when she accused me of having replaced her, it made me think that she had probably done exactly that with me. I am not going to remain involved with somebody that i don't trust. As painful as it is to detach from her, I know that it is the right thing to do. I probably would have carried on with this affair for the rest of my life because I don't sleep with my wife and being with her was dynamite. However, I just cannot pay the emotional price of loving her anymore when I don't trust or respect her. She is secretive, manipulative and self-serving and I no longer need that in my life.

RF

[CMJ]

You've hit a lot of nails squarely on the head there.

It does feel like you cease to exist. There's certainly very little to indicate that they're struggling with how they're treating you at times. It does nothing for your self esteem that they'd rather risk losing a person than just say sorry.

Our latest disagreement revolves around a false acussation she aimed at me. Since I did what I supposedly did I've left her well alone, only sending her a Christmas and birthday present. She even put the Christmas card I sent her on her shelf with the others she received but somehow despite there being no communication between us these gifts have now become unwelcome. I pointed that out and she rewrote history to suit her side of the story. I have screenshots that prove my side but haven't said anything about that.

I usually don't get involved in the blocking/unblocking games and just leave her to it. This time though I was so angry I wanted her to block me so I could block her back ensuring there'd be no option for further contact, but as I said she didn't do it and still hasn't. Twice in recent months I've told her to block me and neither time she has. She claimed the first time she "forgot" to block me which I find hard to believe having been blocked so quickly and thoroughly in the past.

I think this is her way of saying that she can't cope with me right now but I'm getting tired of deciphering these messages and the words and actions not matching up.

It's all very confusing at times.

[RomanticFool]

It is a fruitless exercise trying to figure out what is going on with them. They probably don’t know themselves much of the time. I read on here that to a pwBPD feelings are facts. If they feel a certain way then that is their reality and you are the cause. A non would know that ‘this too shall pass’ whatever the feeling and it is not a permanent state. I think a pwBPD defines their life by an emotion at any given point.

My ex told me that I am not good for her self esteem. Which means that I challenge her on the way that she treats me and point out the things she does that hurt me. This probably creates shame in her and starts the push/pull.

I have just had yet another conversation where she blames me for everything once more and refuses to acknowledge any part she might have in the fiasco we call a r/s, despite accusing me of having replaced her a week ago. The most illuminating thing she said to me is that despite not having seen me for 18 months she feels trapped. What she is feeling is that I am holding her to account for her behaviour and she cannot bear it. I think this week will be the last contact we have.

Time to get off the crazy train and stay off!