Scary situation regarding potential abuse of daughter

[stoic83]

So my three year old daughter recently told me that her mom's friends these caregivers were inappropriately touching her. I told my daughter's play therapist and my dv advocate. They told me that I had to report it to CPS. So I did. That was 5 weeks ago. I haven't seen my daughter since.

My daughter's mother is withholding my daughter and accusing me of framing her friends. She is making all kinds of accusations against me. Accusing me of molesting my daughter and then trying to blame it on her friends. She's being investigated for Neglect, and her friends are being investigated for sex abuse.

The worst part about it is that a few months ago I notice my daughter had some blood in her pee and so I took her to the emergency room and it turns out it was a small cut and they weren't worried about it being the result of abuse. I asked my daughter if she hurt her pee pee and she said she fell on a box of legos. The night before she was playing on her toddler chair and she kind of slid out of it and let out a loud cry. She told me at the time that she hurt her leg and so I checked out her leg and there wasn't any mark and she just stopped crying. If you can imagine how nervous I was as a single father taking my daughter to the emergency room for this type of thing, I was worried I was going to be thrown in jail. I was very relieved about how kind the doctors were to me and that even though they were a little suspicious that they gave me the benefit of the doubt

My daughter's play therapist wanted to talk to the doctors, as my dv advocate told me that she suspected that perhaps the caregivers had caused the injury, but too much time had elapsed since I picked up my daughter. I was worried that the pedicatricians would second guess themselves, or worry about mandatory reporting guidelines, and call in a report and that I would have to deal with CPS since my daughter's mother lives in another state. About 4 months prior, there were some false drug allegations that I had to deal with and I think that my exwBPD had something to do with it, but it was really stressful for me and I didn't want to go through anything like that again.

So my exwBPD is now claiming that she thinks I intentionally hurt my daughter and made these allegations to frame her friends, these caregivers and refuses to return my daughter to me. I normally have her every other week and have joint custody. The medical report just talks about a cut and doesn't mention where it is.

To make matters worse, my dv advocacy that I have attended for 1.5 years made me go through an evaluation (right after they pretty much forced me to make the CPS report) and decided that I had suffered from sexual assault from my "ex" and needed therapy not dv advocacy, and that I was vigilant and sometimes thought that abuse has occured and has not, and that I have some "entitlement issues towards women" so that I need to meet with a male therapist. The examples they gave me were absolute nonsense and had nothing to do with the fact that I was working with women, but had to do with the fact that I was having some trust issues with the play therapist. The play therapist was brand new, and used to be doing intake for the dv advocacy and she seemed to be really jumpy about things. She would blurt out angry comments about not wanting to be attached on emails, and not wanting to be involved in any custody disputes, etc... .etc... she also got really made at me for being upset about my daughter having 10 temporary tattoos on her arms, not realizing that my exwBPD would do things like pierce my daughter's ears and rub it in my face, and put tempoarary tattoos on her when she was just a baby (because the custody agreement says the parent is not supposed to tattoo or pierce the child without other parent's consent), she didn't realize that it was using my daughter as a pawn for subtle abuse, etc... .aside from that tattoos and piercing are against my religion. I explained to her that I thought it was indirectly harmful to my daughter and she asked me to explain why and seemed to be really drilling me about it. This was an example of my "hypervigilence". I mean I understand how technically speaking that temporary tattoos don't hurt my daughter. I just don't think she really understood the context, and/or maybe she didn't like the response I had.

In any case, I met with the male therapist and he told me that the dv advocacy should never have allowed my daughter to come to dv advocacy sessions, and he didn't want to read the evaluation yet because he thought it might be biased. I do feel like they parted ways with me because they didn't want to get in trouble for their internal ethics violations. I could've continued seeing my dv advocate and also seen a male therapist but they treated me like a leper... .it really hurt. I had the support of all of these women, and it feels scary being a single dad and facing these types of allegations alone.

So my exwBPD is claiming that I intentionally hurt my daughter to frame her friends, and that she thinks I may have molested my daughter. The irony is she is being investigated by DHS, not me. She's in a different state. I am worried when I get my daughter back (if I ever get her back) that social services will jump on me, and I don't feel equipped to deal with that type of humiliation at this point.

I filed for parental interference because this is like the 6th or 7th time exwBPD has violated the parenting plan. The lawyer intitally wanted me to file for emergency custody but i thought it might seem opportunistic since i filed the report, and i doubt what my daughter told me can be proven. I should have filed for emergency custody. Instead i returned my daughter with the caveat that exwBPD signs an agreement banning the caregivers from any contact with my daughter,  and I haven't seen my daughter since.

The DHS caseworker has at times seemed angry with me and at times seemed sympathetic. God only knows what my exwBPD is doing to manipulate her. It's terrifying.

I have responded to threatening emails from her making accusations in a very emotional way, and Im super worried about how it will be perceived.

At this point, I'm pretty sure I am going to lose my daughter. I hope to god that the judge believes me but I filed for a DVPO in the past after the exwBPD threatened to kill me and she made up a ton of lies in her response, like saying I got kicked out of the hospital during my daughter's birth, which never happened to try and make me seem abusive.

Also, I'm sure she's recorded some of my angry reactions to her insane behavior, and I can't bring myself to record her, because it feels so wrong to me. I would feel like a hypocrite. I think it's hard to be authentic when you are recording someone else, and I have never done so up until this point and it just gives me the willies. I don't know why. I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm not like a puritan or anything. Does anyone have any idea why I have this block about recording? I have tried once or twice in the past and she acted sane and rational and so it caused me some angst and to question myself.

So the drug allegations and the vagina injury make me look really bad and even though I didn't do anything wrong. If I were a judge I would be suspicious. This all sucks because my daughter and I are so close and I know I'm a much healthier parent than her mother.

I am emotionally and psychologically damaged from the sex abuse and years of harassment stalking and so I'm worried about how this would come out in a psych evaluation. She can seem really calm and reasonable sometimes. I know how crazy she is but she can hold it together when she needs to and make me seem like I'm crazy. Most of the time she seems crazy to everyone, but every once in a while she can make me seem like I'm crazy.

I am starting to lose hope. She has to prove that I'm a threat of harm to my daughter to justify her withholding and she is not the type to admit she was wrong. If that's what she has to do she will do it without empathy.

I am so heartbroken about the loss of my daughter. I feel like I was a different person before I met this woman, eventhough I had struggled with a different type of borderline in the past. This one is more of the sociopathic flavor and higher functioning. I met with a forensic psychologist who provided an opinion that she had borderline personality disorder with sociopathic behaviors.

In any case is there anyone that can advise? I want to stand up for my daughter but I'm starting to feel pretty afraid of her allegations and whether she can twist these unfortunate coincidences related to hot button child custody issues to convince the judge that I am a threat of harm to my daughter?

ExwBPD is taking daughter to a child therapist this week and im so scared that she has coached my daughter and/or will manipulate the child therapist. I did reach out to child therapist and told them to give me a call if they had any questions or wanted to know what my experience was in my daughter telling me about this.

The irony is that I am a very loving parent and have no history of drugs or criminality and that I'm slightly disorganized but very attuned to my daughter's needs. Feeling quite heartbroken and traumatized. Tough working keeping clean... .etc. Spent a lot of time on crisis hotlines, etc... .

My life feels like such a nightmare... .any words of wisdom or hope would be appreciated  

[Turkish]

Did you tell the child therapist about what your daughter said and that you reported it?

I reported my ex BIL, then 17, based upon what then D2 (almost 3) told me. I couldn't ignore the second time she told me so I called my T and told him what D told me.  He said that if I didn't report it,  then he would have to.  I knew that he would say that,  forcing me to. I wasn't strong enough to do it on my own.   His eldest brother turned it around and said that I was probably molesting my daughter (which was ridiculous.  Why report it and invite scrutiny?)

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this especially given the distance and that your daughter is being withheld from you so far away.  

I found the cop ok to deal with.  When CPS made a not so veiled threat that they could take the kids if we didn't keep them safe, it scared the hell out of me.  

Are you in contact with DHS? I know that you're scared, but being honest (you have nothing to hide) would help and is necessary.  My case was closed,  but with a final threat, "but we could reopen it very easily if needed."

Note to anyone: teach your babies the correct terms for their private parts as they learn to talk.  We purposely didn't not do it,  but both then D2 and S4/5 referred to their privates at those ages as their "butts."

[stoic83]

Yes, I've been in contact with DHS.

Same circumstances with me and my daughter. I told her play therapist and my dv advocate and they told me I had to report it. DHS has been okay with me, but sexist at times. Telling me I can't tell mom who to leave our daughter with and treating me like I'm some sort of controlling jerk. I don't know what my daughter's mother has been telling them, probably accusing me, or playing victim... .my daughter's mother is under investigation for neglect. I have been 100% honest with DHS and everybody else.

My aunt and uncle are both child psychologists and sent me a book on touching and teaching the right names for body parts. I read through the book with my daughter a few times before sending her back. My daughter has been withheld from me for over a month and the last time I talked to my 3 year old she told me "I was really mad at her, and going to jail"... .etc... .I tried to ask her why I was going to jail, but she's only 3 so I can't really figure out what her mom is telling her... .

I am so worried that she is being programmed or coached... .this is such a nightmare. I'm heartbroken that this can happen to someone whose just trying to protect their own child.

I'm heartbroken. My daughter's mother is such a bad person... .mental illness or not.

[david]

I had a similar situation of alienation by my ex too. Our boys were 7 and 4 when it started. I listened to them a lot and stayed focused on validation. I took some time to get good at it and I still made mistakes but I got better at it. Eventually, as they got older, they figured out their mom was not truthful. They were cautious, especially the younger one, to open up and talk to me because of that. I guess they put all adults in the same category. It makes sense at that age. By the time our oldest was around 10 he had mom pretty much figured out. It took our youngest a little longer than that but he has her figured out fairly well.
I found humor was the best antidote to exs' alienation.
One story. Our youngest was around 5.5 years old. He would always say I was an evil monster. I was sitting down once when he said it and I stood up and stuck my arms out like Frankenstein. I said something th o the effect that I was going to get him and chased him around the house. He loved it and from that point on he asked for the evil daddy monster to get him.
They also learned that I would listen and not over react to something they told me. I became trusted, in their eyes, and that went a long way. Basically it is "normal" parenting for lack of a better word but ex was/is unable to do that. They have pretty much shut down on her and only say what they believe she wants to hear. That does upset me but there is nothing I can do to fix that.