Tired: Not sure I can salvage my marriage. We love but don't like each other.

[Fraggle]

So I'm a guy who has been married to my wife for almost 16 years.  Full disclosure: I have ADD/ADHD.  My wife was diagnosed with BPD a little over three years ago.  We don't have any children.  I am currently in my late forties and my wife is in her early forties.


We have been to therapy as a couple, but that didn't work out well.  The last therapy session we had together (before my wife was diagnosed with BPD), the therapist asked us to each think of some things we could do better in the relationship.  I came up with a few things I could try and improve on.  When it was my wife's turn to offer up some things she felt she could improve on, she had nothing to say.  She said later that she didn't like that therapist.  We never went to therapy together again after that.  

My wife, whom I'll refer to as Frita (not her real name of course), has displayed, at various times, fear of abandonment, anger, rage, depression, twisting my words or behavior to fit her personal narrative, relational sabotage, and now has basically withdrawn from the relationship.  She doesn't leave the house, won't respond to folks in our church who have tried to reach out to her, and has totally isolated herself from everything.

Additionally, Frita has become less and less tolerant of my personality quirks (both ADHD and non-ADHD-related).  Almost every day now, Frita complains about something in my personality that she doesn't like.  As to the ADHD quirks, I was on medication for a couple of years until we lost our insurance, and even then Frita would complain about everyday stuff that she didn't like about me.  Once, I got tired of it and told her that there is plenty about her personality that sometimes gets on my nerves, but I don't constantly bring it up because I don't expect her to be perfect.

But things have gotten to the point now where it's like she can't stand me.  And to be honest, I'm just tired of it.  There are days that I seriously think about pulling the plug on this marriage and getting on with my life as a single person.  I'm not even interested in pursuing another relationship, I just want to be free of the struggle of this one.  But I also love Frita and the thought of abandoning her hurts my heart, because I know that much of what she has become has its roots in how her mother (who is an undiagnosed BPD'er) raised her, and because she deserves to be happy.  But then again, so do I.

We have been through a lot together, Frita and I.  I've been there for her when her relationship with her mother imploded, she was there for me when my mother had to be placed in a care home and later died.  I've done some good things for our household and made some poor decisions that caused us great financial hardship.  I love my wife and I think that deep down she loves me in some ways, but we just don't like each other anymore, and I'm at a loss as to what can be done about that.

Whether or not we can salvage our marriage, I don't know.  Right now, I'm just tired, and I needed a place to vent a little bit.  

Thanks for reading.
Fraggle

[Cat Familiar]

Fraggle,
You've been married for quite a long time and have gone through a lot of things together and been supportive of each other. But now, you're feeling exhausted and frustrated with the state of your marriage. You're tired of being criticized and it seems like your wife has emotionally left the marriage. When you tried counseling, you were willing to work on issues to make the relationship better, but your wife had no desire to do that and chose to quit counseling. And currently she has isolated herself entirely.

On the one hand, you could imagine ending the marriage and being single. You don't see yourself looking for another relationship; you're just tired of the conflict in this one. Yet, you still love her and the idea of losing the marriage is painful. You see your wife's upbringing as largely responsible for how she is now. But you would like both you and her to be happy, so you're uncertain what would be best.

If you haven't already read the side bar, please start there and keep reading. There's so many people who are in your situation and like you, are wondering what they can do to make their relationships better or whether they should end it and no longer deal with the chaos of their partner. Please keep posting and tell us more about how things got to this point, and read other people's stories and see if you can share insights that could be helpful to them.

Welcome to the Family.      

Cat

[LovingDad]

Hi Fraggle,

 

I understand your are tired. I think everyone here understands. At the moment I feel very tired too. Probably because I'm at the beginning of my divorce and my BPD wife is really horrible at the moment.

It is difficult to cope with someone who has BPD. You have to be alert all the time with them. You have to see them coming and stay calm. You have to take them seriously, even when they say the most unbelievable things. You always have to be the smarter one. That makes things so exhausting.

The strange thing is, that things can be totally different tomorrow with people who have BPD. Then they can be nice again. That can be something you can hold on too. I try to do that. Furthermore when she has her nice days. Enjoy that and when there are conversations than, try to be nice, but clear. Don't say to much. Take her seriously, but don't explain yourself to much. Because that can give her things to complain about.

Furthermore, try to find out what you want. You deserve to be happy. That is the most imported thing. Only when you are happy, you can try to make her happy.

The last thing I would like to write is that I agree with the onther reply you have gotten.

Greetings,

LovingDad