Thinking Drama Triangle talk

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So... .yesterday I had a couple bizarre (polite description) phone calls... .

I'll try to be succinct... .you guys know that's a challenge for me... and BPD stories.

We no longer live on a farm, so we board horses about 15 minutes away... .the location is the best we could find and it's a bit on the "cheaper" end of horse board.  No show horses here... family animals.  

The guy seems pretty nice but is particular about his land and property lines... and has a difficult relationship with neighbor (shared road... .argument over property lines... .surveys... more arguments).  I don't know details... .but out of respect for him... .I text him every time I go out there and let him know what I want to accomplish.

Getting to where our trailer is parked uses shared road... locked gate... again... I ask... we go from there.

So... .my wife and some kids go out there to put stuff in trailer.  I've discussed issues out there before... .but all I did was give her the guys number (again) and ask her to text him ahead of time... .

Well... .this guy almost never calls me... .just text about horse stuff... .and a call if needed to clarify.  He calls me... I didn't see it first time... he calls again...  He was hot about something.  It was hard to understand.  But... basically he was wanting me to explain a lot of stuff to my kids... .about where to park and "that they don't own this place"

I did get to say (after being thoughtful for a bit) "(horse board dude)  I'm sorry... I don't know what to say.  I asked my family to text you, so I'll have to figure out what happened.  I'm very sorry this happened." (even though I had no idea what "this" was"

He tried to explain something else and said "this won't happen again... the money isn't worth the aggravation" and apparently hung up on me.  I tried to call back... no answer.

I texted him that the call dropped... .I was a bit in the dark but would try to sort things out.  No response.  (I decided against "sorry" again via text... he really didn't respond when I said it before... but was obviously still worked up)

So... .I call my wife... no answer.  Text her to please call me... and she returned my call in a few min.  "Hey babe... .did communicate with the (horse guy) before getting out there"

FFw "You already know the answer to this because you just talked to him."  (she is hot... and ready to fight as well)

FF "Babe... .I just had a very confusing conversation with (horse dude)... .I have no idea what went on.  Please help me understand what is happening."  (i deliberately chose not to validate or anything else... just say it)

The then started telling me how "she wasn't going to be talked to like that" and yes... ."it was my bad I didn't contact him before I got there... .but the gate was open"

Apparently he asked my 15 year old to do something with the truck... .and 15 year old turned it around and put it back in same spot (he is a space cadet) and my guess is the landowner was a bit worked up.  This was likely perceived by landowner as my kid "giving him the finger" (i'm guessing here)

Landowner approaches 15 year old again and my wife inserts herself and "lectures" and "sermonizes" him on appropriate tone of voice... how to talk to other people and yes... she "owned" her misbheavior by said "my bad for not texting BUT (insert standard BPD rant)

No need for me to quote the rant (she quoted it to me)... I kinda checked out during the rant.

Drama triangle came to mind... and it seem both were trying to "invite me on"

This is conflict between to other adults... .I wasn't involved.  And... then I had a secondary objective of clarifying that I wouldn't clean up my wife's "messes"

Well... I simply waited till the blather was over (it wasn't directed at me)... perhaps 5 minutes of "fighting talk"


"FFw... .the landowner sets his own rules, our family values respects a landowners boundaries.  Period."

"If you can't respect those values, I'll step away from caring for and funding horses, and let you and (D21) find landowners that align with your values."

deliberate choice to be quiet... .

blather be humble... your selfish... blather.

FF "I expect you to contact the (insert horse guy name) and make this right".

Blather she hung up on me

There are a few texts... .apparently she got reasonable and called the guy... .and made things right.

Texts in next post

FF

[formflier]

So... .yesterday I had a couple bizarre (polite description) phone calls... .

I'll try to be succinct... .you guys know that's a challenge for me... and BPD stories.

We no longer live on a farm, so we board horses about 15 minutes away... .the location is the best we could find and it's a bit on the "cheaper" end of horse board.  No show horses here... family animals.  

The guy seems pretty nice but is particular about his land and property lines... and has a difficult relationship with neighbor (shared road... .argument over property lines... .surveys... more arguments).  I don't know details... .but out of respect for him... .I text him every time I go out there and let him know what I want to accomplish.

Getting to where our trailer is parked uses shared road... locked gate... again... I ask... we go from there.

So... .my wife and some kids go out there to put stuff in trailer.  I've discussed issues out there before... .but all I did was give her the guys number (again) and ask her to text him ahead of time... .

Well... .this guy almost never calls me... .just text about horse stuff... .and a call if needed to clarify.  He calls me... I didn't see it first time... he calls again...  He was hot about something.  It was hard to understand.  But... basically he was wanting me to explain a lot of stuff to my kids... .about where to park and "that they don't own this place"

I did get to say (after being thoughtful for a bit) "(horse board dude)  I'm sorry... I don't know what to say.  I asked my family to text you, so I'll have to figure out what happened.  I'm very sorry this happened." (even though I had no idea what "this" was"

He tried to explain something else and said "this won't happen again... the money isn't worth the aggravation" and apparently hung up on me.  I tried to call back... no answer.

I texted him that the call dropped... .I was a bit in the dark but would try to sort things out.  No response.  (I decided against "sorry" again via text... he really didn't respond when I said it before... but was obviously still worked up)

So... .I call my wife... no answer.  Text her to please call me... and she returned my call in a few min.  "Hey babe... .did communicate with the (horse guy) before getting out there"

FFw "You already know the answer to this because you just talked to him."  (she is hot... and ready to fight as well)

FF "Babe... .I just had a very confusing conversation with (horse dude)... .I have no idea what went on.  Please help me understand what is happening."  (i deliberately chose not to validate or anything else... just say it)

The then started telling me how "she wasn't going to be talked to like that" and yes... ."it was my bad I didn't contact him before I got there... .but the gate was open"

Apparently he asked my 15 year old to do something with the truck... .and 15 year old turned it around and put it back in same spot (he is a space cadet) and my guess is the landowner was a bit worked up.  This was likely perceived by landowner as my kid "giving him the finger" (i'm guessing here)

Landowner approaches 15 year old again and my wife inserts herself and "lectures" and "sermonizes" him on appropriate tone of voice... how to talk to other people and yes... she "owned" her misbheavior by said "my bad for not texting BUT (insert standard BPD rant)

No need for me to quote the rant (she quoted it to me)... I kinda checked out during the rant.

Drama triangle came to mind... and it seem both were trying to "invite me on"

This is conflict between to other adults... .I wasn't involved.  And... then I had a secondary objective of clarifying that I wouldn't clean up my wife's "messes"

Well... I simply waited till the blather was over (it wasn't directed at me)... perhaps 5 minutes of "fighting talk"


"FFw... .the landowner sets his own rules, our family values respects a landowners boundaries.  Period."

"If you can't respect those values, I'll step away from caring for and funding horses, and let you and (D21) find landowners that align with your values."

deliberate choice to be quiet... .

blather be humble... your selfish... blather.

FF "I expect you to contact the (insert horse guy name) and make this right".

Blather she hung up on me

There are a few texts... .apparently she got reasonable and called the guy... .and made things right.

Texts in next post

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Good for you, FF, in not participating in the drama triangle.  

It's interesting what a swath of destruction pwBPD can leave in their wake. And it's not pleasant to be tarred by association that you may be just like her. It sounds like you established that difference with your communication with the horse guy.

I can imagine it from his side--that the amount of money you're paying to board there is not worth the aggravation of dealing with a drama queen and a young man who ignores what he asks.

Good that you used the nuclear option of stopping funding this unless your wife could fix it!  

[formflier]

FFw  (ff name), you did not tell me we had to unload and immediagwly get off the access road... .You said to text this guy so he could unlock the gate... .Nothing else. If this guy has been 'put in a very hard position' he did it when he decided to board horses.l, and you did when you did not tell us anything other than text so he can unlock the gate.



FF: Communicate with him ahead of time... .then you two work it out

FFw Give himy phone number and have him deal directly with me,  

FF I did not want to play telephone... .you two communicate directly and sort things OUT
 
FF I would ask that you and S15  go smooth things over with this guy... .

 FFw  If you had told me ahead of time that this man would get in trouble if we are on that road will the county is out there we would have went inside and ask him before driving on it. All you said was that I needed to let him know we were coming so he could unlock the gate.
 

 FFw  An (ff name)  life is not about getting everything you want.


FFw  I spoke to him before we left
 

FF  I asked you to communicate with him ahead of time... .so he can explain things directly to you... based on what you want to accomplish

FF  Which is what I do... .instead of assuming

FF  :)id he say he was ok with things before you left?

FFw  Except that's not what u said ... .You said to text him and let him know we were coming so he could unlock the gate
 

FF  Right... .I assumed you two would talk further about intentions


Ff  That would have given him a chance to say whether or not he cared if you are on the road by his house,

FF  the issue as I see it is to communicate ahead of time and respect a landowner's right to have his land treated the way he sees fit
 
  FFw  and the property you say the man has a right to treat the way he sees fit is actually the counties road... .It doesn't belong to him... .they just allow him to let us use it to park trailers
 

  FFw  You assumed... .Not a good idea... .The issue as I see it is I apologized for not texting the man before we left... .Rather than humbly acknowledge you could have let us know he didnt want us on the road without first checking to see if the county was on it you are continuing to point to fault I have already admitted to and apologized to the man for

 

 FF  So... I should no longer assume you will do as you agree?,

FFw   You should assume I am human and make mistakes and show grace... .Just as I try impercectly to so for you



FFw    Horse guy is happy❤️


FF  Is horse guy happy after he called me? He didn't seem happy when he called... .,

FF   It was an odd phone call

FFw I talked to him after he talked to you…