Re: After a lull, very near to breaking point PART 3

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be a fan of FF’s closed wallet strategy. Reason being that it could drive a wedge between partners if the non-earner or low-earner was in some part trying to be cooperative.

But in Dragon’s case, there is no cooperation, no relationship with his wife and he has no leverage whatsoever. So it seems like this would be the only means he has to get his wife’s attention and compliance with sharing parental control.

[Cat Familiar]

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be a fan of FF’s closed wallet strategy. Reason being that it could drive a wedge between partners if the non-earner or low-earner was in some part trying to be cooperative.

But in Dragon’s case, there is no cooperation, no relationship with his wife and he has no leverage whatsoever. So it seems like this would be the only means he has to get his wife’s attention and compliance with sharing parental control.

[Dragon72]

She'll just go running to her family for money, painting me as the cruel narcissist husband.

I think we're witnessing the death throws of the marriage.  I don't think that there's any way back now.  I went from her having total control, to equal control, to just a small allowance.  After each step, the relationship has become progressively worse.  I can't see her changing for the better if I control every penny. If anything, she will become increasingly desperate and vindictive. 

Maybe I'm catastrophizing, but I think the situation is beyond repair.

[formflier]

She'll just go running to her family for money, painting me as the cruel narcissist husband.

I think we're witnessing the death throws of the marriage.  I don't think that there's any way back now.  I went from her having total control, to equal control, to just a small allowance.  After each step, the relationship has become progressively worse.  I can't see her changing for the better if I control every penny. If anything, she will become increasingly desperate and vindictive. 

Maybe I'm catastrophizing, but I think the situation is beyond repair.

Dragon,

The situation is beyond repair... .if no repair efforts are made.  There is no way  to know if any effort whatsoever will work.

I'm not suggesting the money thing will fix the kid thing.

The money thing... will fix the money thing.  That may or may not influence the rest of the marriage.

I get it that is seems by some to be a "power play", yet I believe that buys into a  belief a person is owed "something" regardless of their actions.  (A boundary buster... non respecter's dream)

Look at it this way... .if the marriage is beyond repair... .why keep being an ATM as you have?

FF

[formflier]

She'll just go running to her family for money, painting me as the cruel narcissist husband.

 

How is this different than what she does now?

Serious question... .

FF

[formflier]

  If anything, she will become increasingly desperate and vindictive. 
 

This is possible.

What does BPD family teach about extinction bursts and boundaries?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

FF

[Dragon72]

The therapist is on vacation until the 21st.

[formflier]

The therapist is on vacation until the 21st.

Gotcha... and your next payday is?

FF

[Dragon72]

She just came back to the house. Just her.
To tell me she was just there to pick up some things as we are separating.

She said she doesn't want to make a drama out of it, and that she wants to do things calmly and that Jr. is 100% my son and 100% hers too. She said she's handing over the (new) car keys as the car's in my name.

I said I had to go out (I did) and that I would leave her to it. I left the house and saw her brother waiting in his car outside. I didn't say anything. I just walked on.

So that's it. We're separated. You heard it here first.

[pearlsw]

So that's it. We're separated. You heard it here first.

Hi Dragon72,

How are you feeling? What can we do to support you?

sincerely, pearl.

[formflier]

I'm sorry to hear that.

I would also place a call to your lawyer... ASAP.

I would also be prepared for her to change her mind.

Be extra kind to yourself.

FF

[Dragon72]

I'm feeling numb and tired and sad and alone.

[pearlsw]

I'm feeling numb and tired and sad and alone.

Hi Dragon72,

Despite everything this must be quite a shock.   I'm sorry you are feeling bad!

Do you think you will have any access to your son in the next few days?

warmly, pearl.

[Red5]

I'm feeling numb and tired and sad and alone.

Hey Dragon, sorry Man, .many of us here have walked this road as well, .take care of yourself, one day at a time.

FF is correct, she may waiver back and forth for a while.

Be prepared for heavy weather, good advice to place a call to the lawyer.

Pearlsw is right as well, I would ask about seeing your Son soonest, via text.

Hang in there, Red5

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry Dragon.    You've been trying so hard to make things better.

[Radcliff]

I'm so sorry to hear about this news.  I know this is not what you were hoping for when you started a life with her.  Move assertively to establish regular access to your son.  You are an involved and loving dad; don't undersell yourself -- pursue as much time as you believe is realistically possible, up to 50 percent.  Some of the most important advice I've heard is that temporary custody orders have a way of becoming permanent.  Do not sit idle while she has him the majority of the time.  Act now.

I'm not sure if it's easy for you to order books (physical or Kindle) but two important books for you to read are Splitting and Don't Alienate the Kids, both by Bill Eddy, a counselor-turned-lawyer who specializes in high conflict personalities (including BPD).  Those two books are worth their weight in gold.

WW

[Dragon72]

All her stuff, and all of my son's things too, are gone from the house.  This is real.

[pearlsw]

All her stuff, and all of my son's things too, are gone from the house.  This is real.

Hi Dragon72,

I'm sorry! You must feel so alone and empty! Are you on good terms with any of her relatives? Would any of them help you? Are your son and her staying nearby or far away?

abrazos fuertes, pearl.   

[formflier]

All her stuff, and all of my son's things too, are gone from the house.  This is real.

Yes it is Dragon72.  I have to imagine how lonely you must feel.  We're here for you.

Can you get a call placed to your L today?

FF

[braveSun]

Dragon72, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. 

Take good care of yourself now. Take on the important steps without delay, and shore yourself up with good care for the rest of the time. You can do it.


Warm thoughts,

Brave

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Dragon,
You must feel completely devastated. Do you know where she and your son are? And can you speak with one of her relatives? So very sorry for this development.   

Cat

[Dragon72]

Thanks everyone for your kind words of support.

They are at my wife's brother's house which has room for them to live too.  It's about 10 minutes walk away.
I'm not sure what I would achieve talking to her family.

I haven't talked to my wife or son since they left yesterday morning.  I will send her a message tomorrow saying that I would like to see my son.  I think we both, she and I, need a bit more time to decompress.

I haven't spoken to the lawyer but I sent him a message telling him what happened, so he knows.

[Dragon72]

I just want to say thanks to everybody in here who has helped me. I am no longer conflicted. I am definitely into the separating/divorcing/child custody category now.

My wife is denying me access to my son until she has got a psychologist to do an assessment on my son of how much "his father's behaviour has affected him". She's inferring inappropriate sexual contact.  It seems hell hath no fury... . 

Thanks again every one and most especially to formflier who has responded to nearly every single one of my posts.  Sorry I didn't always follow your advice, but I valued everything you've said, so thanks.  I really hope none of you end up in my position and that you can get things to work out.

I'll be over in "Family law etc."
Hasta luego.

[formflier]

Call lawyer asap...

This needs to get into the hands of the court to monitor... asap.

I get it he said courts aren't that fond of it... .but I can't imagine it's better to leave that in the hands of a disordered person.

FF