No clue what to do and how to do it...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

She switched back and forth with friends and family. She constantly questions weather they like/love her and throughout our entire relationship she almost daily would ask me if I love her and thought she was pretty.

She has verbalized the desire to have a new life and want to erase her old life. She will avoid guilt and blame at all cost and if confronted with it she will get very aggressive and attack with everything she can at whoever has brought it up.

[jroyal]

She switched back and forth with friends and family. She constantly questions weather they like/love her and throughout our entire relationship she almost daily would ask me if I love her and thought she was pretty.

She has verbalized the desire to have a new life and want to erase her old life. She will avoid guilt and blame at all cost and if confronted with it she will get very aggressive and attack with everything she can at whoever has brought it up.

[Harley Quinn]

It's tough to see clearly when we have been in FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) for so long. Thing is, your kids absolutely need you to be the sole responsible adult with secure healthy attachment for them.

Do you think she is a danger or threat to the kids with her drinking and suicidal ideation?

Is your wife safe to be around or drive the kids or care for them? What does your gut tell you? Don't rationalize your response, just what's your instinct? I would trust that and take action or resolve around that. I sometimes feel very judgmental and unfair, like how can I decide this - I am biased, but looking back, I wish I had taken more assertive action because I think it would be better for my kids in the long run.

Hi jroyal,

I'd just like to go back to the tough questions takingandsending asks above.  What is your instinct on this? 

I also like the advice to request ROFR.  This isn't available in my country unfortunately, and although I did request it anyway as a mutual agreement that could be written into the order it was turned down by his father.  I know my S4 spends time with other family members during his father's court ordered time and I'd much prefer him to be with me.  If you have opportunity to push for this, I'd strongly recommend it.  As the more stable and consistent parent, the more influence you can have on your children over the years the better.  I feel for you with what you're going through. 

Love and light x 

[livednlearned]

She will avoid guilt and blame at all cost and if confronted with it she will get very aggressive and attack with everything she can at whoever has brought it up.

This can make for living hell when it mixes with the legal system.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and know how tragic it is to have to make these difficult decisions to end our marriages. You are likely seeing the very beginning of troubling issues with your kids, and fortunately, by recognizing them and bravely acknowledging that something needs to change, you give them a fighting chance to become emotionally resilient. It will take a lot of work, and you may change into a new man by the time you are through the hardest part of this journey, but it is possible and rewarding and will change your kids' lives in ways you can only begin to imagine.

Were you able to get a copy of Splitting by Bill Eddy and read it? He is a former licensed social worker who became a practicing family law attorney, and recognized that most of the high-conflict divorces (20 percent of all divorces) involved at least one person with a personality disorder.

He classifies high-conflict people (HCP) as someone who recruits negative advocates, has a target of blame (usually the spouse), is a persuasive blamer, and has a personality disorder of some kind. Not all people with BPD are HCPs. The legal system can very easily create a HCP for many people who have PDs.

He also has three categories of HCP:

*generally cooperative, not dangerous
*not cooperative, not dangerous
*not cooperative, dangerous

By dangerous, he means DV, false allegations of child abuse or DV, suicidal ideation, substance abuse.

Your wife sounds like she is not cooperative and dangerous (suicidal ideation and alcoholism). Her eating disorder and cutting presents extremely troubling behaviors for your kids, and puberty is around the corner when even for kids with healthy home environments the wheels can come off. Would you consider getting the kids into family counseling with you present?

How did you turn into a doormat when you last talked to her?

We might be able to help. Doormat behaviors were pretty standard for most of us here  

There are specific communication and relationship skills that are not intuitive and must be learned.

What's the priority for you right now? Understandably, you may feel overwhelmed. How can we help you lighten some of the load?

[jroyal]

I feel like they are physically safe for the time being with her, though their mental health maybe in jeapordy. I am pushing for said order and at this point don't see them denying it with what evidence and reasoning I have to present.

[JNChell]

Hi, jroyal. I’m glad to see that you stuck around. I mostly observe on this board. The success rate that I see is through the roof. Man, I’m sorry that you have to take these measures, but happy to see you taking control of your situation.

[jroyal]

She spoke to me briefly. She has now moved back to wotn and in with her boyfriend at his father's house. She got a new job here and is more hostile to me for whatever reason. She brought her new family to the kids first day and beloved I am trying to pull them away from her.

It was q very hard day so far for me.

[jroyal]

Does anyone know what the grounds for the court denying a ROFR?

[takingandsending]

ROFR can be contentious, and it does imply that each parent has to notify the other parent about details of their personal life. If there were restraining orders or allegations of abuse, violence, endangerment, a court might not agree to putting ROFR in the parent plan.

But in your case, with your xw having so much instability, I would hope your L could argue for ROFR. It's likely to be violated, and I can see why a court wouldn't want to be in the business of policing it.

[ForeverDad]

ROFR can be a two-edged sword.  A judge will be unwilling to implement an ROFR clause if it applies only to the ex.  So ponder what terms would work best for You knowing they apply to both of you.  Some boilerplate terms might favor her, so ponder their impact before proceeding.

Generally one parameter is when it kicks in.  After 4 hours absent?  After 8 hours?  If an overnight away occurs?  (That last one's pretty obvious.)  For young children you may want a shorter time period, but as school, daycare, ages, etc change, you may want longer triggers.

Also, what are valid substitutes for a parent?  It's standard that school is an exception.  What about before-school or after-school daycare?  In my ROFR I included daycare.  As I indicated in the first paragraph, I was fed up with ex swooping in to daycare after school, claiming our child and saying she'd exchange him a couple hours later when I got off work.  Extra exchanges for an hour or two?  No way!

Who are not substitutes?  My ex hated all my family, typical isolation and blanket blaming pattern.  So she insisted that she didn't want my parents (she alleged as abusers, CPS virtually ignored that) to watch him after school.  I knew they were in their 80s (both have since passed) and didn't need her sniffing around them.  So to keep things from getting biased against me our terms included that neither paternal nor maternal grandparents were substitutes.

Finally, any overall terms?  My ex was one that seized every minute she could so I decided to list specifically that my time was my time and her time was her time except by mutual written agreement.  (She was a master at getting me to agree to a trade on the phone and then when I tried to get my end of the deal she denied the verbal agreement.)  I used that for the short hours at daycare.  I couldn't risk her claiming a loophole that since he was away from me at school, several hours, that she could have him after school because I had been apart long enough to allow her to swoop in.

[jroyal]

Thanks! This was some vital information that will help me taylor fit what I need.

She seems to have backed down a lot since she know i could take the kids if necessary, but I'm sure it won't take long before she becomes hostile again.

[jroyal]

She finally backed down and agreed to nearly everything. She still treats me with anamosity, but at least she on the the surface is trying to work with me. Although lots of her actions are spiteful, they aren't as disruptive. Still I fear this is all temporary and am constantly anticipating what bad may happen next and what I will have to do when it all goes wrong again.

[Turkish]

What is "everything?"

My ex was in bliss in her new r/s while she was still living with us.  I jumped at the opportunity to work out custody and CS. It was fair, but she could have caused a lot of drama and court costs of she had been feeling differently at the time.  I took the opportunity to file, negotiate, and seal it.  Done.

[jroyal]

I decided to give 50/50 a chance with a ROFR in place. The only thing she wanted changed was my ability to ask for support later on.

[ForeverDad]

Just because you two have agreed may not mean it's locked in.  It may have to get signed by a judge and entered into the court record first.  There have been cases where the judge had the document in hand and asked before signing, Do you both agree with these terms? and then the ex says No.  Then it's start over time.

Who has overall Decision Making?  It might be good for you to be DM or have Tie Breaker status on at least some topics.  If she has DM, what if she moves away?  Can she take the kids with her to her new schools?  What criteria needs to be met?  Does she have to demonstrate what required her move or can she just do it whatever?  Scenarios and questions like that need to be addressed.

[jroyal]

Thank you. I wanting to get this over as quickly as possible, but I want to be careful due to the chance things get worse and insure I have things in place to protect the children and myself.