Really confused, she is possibly fearful avoidant, and its stressing me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My background is a I had a BPD suffering ex and learnt alot from it. I am 29, My current Girlfriend is the same age.

Long story short, Ive been with My girlfriend for 4 months, Everything has been amazing, literally cant fault anything. We communicate well, she always makes an effort, is on time, treats me well and all the important things.

She opened up to me about a month in, about how she had issues in her childhood with her Mother (she did, her mother was a nasty peice of work) and it affects her relationships, she tends to push the people she gets close to away. in short it sounded like she has a fearful avoidant attachment style. Normally this would be a clear red flag, but I continued to pursue it because not only do we get on fantastically, but the fact she is aware of her issues and has seeked professional help in the past, made me feel that she is making a conscious effort to work through them. She is also very mature and respectful. I also feel that with my experience of dating someone with a disorder I may be better equipped to handle it.

So we took things slow, there was no pressure, we communicated well things have been fantastic.

BUT... .

We hadnt had a single argument until we went out for her friends party, neither of us are big drinkers, and it was the first time we drank together. The night itself went without a hitch, but when we got home out of nowhere she was saying things like "I (meaning me) deserve better" and a couple of cruel remarks. I dealt with it well, and we moved on, she was very apologetic, and I accepted that alcohol was a big factor in triggering her behavior (I also set boundaries that it isnt acceptable).

Things have been fine this week then today she hadnt replied to my text all day, which is fine, she could have been busy etc (despite posting on social media) but out of character for her, and I didnt push the matter but asked (over text in the evening) if everything was ok, and that if she isnt feeling it then to be honest with me and that i would rather just know now, but she said everything is fine.

we sent a few texts back and forth like we normally do, and got into a bit of a deep chat, and she was saying things like "she will help me find miss right" and I had also mentioned that she gives me butterflys in a good way, to which she later replied that maybe its a warning. she will say things like its just lust between us, which was a bit of a running joke at first, be she seems to use it to cover any feelings.

Its just little things like that, which really give off bad vibes.  she is out for the night now with friends so ive left her to it, but will chat to her in person when i get the chance about mixed signals she gives me. (she told me the other day she wants something long term and today was saying how good it is that we keep things non serious and casual).

I just wanted some advice, it sounds like she is trying to push me away, and I wanted to know how best to deal with that.

im not sure that she is just losing interest and having second thoughts, because i put it on a plate for her to tell me that, So I can only assume the strange comments and behavior of the past week is her trying to push me away, which ive accepted may come if she is fearful advoidant.

[trevjim]

My background is a I had a BPD suffering ex and learnt alot from it. I am 29, My current Girlfriend is the same age.

Long story short, Ive been with My girlfriend for 4 months, Everything has been amazing, literally cant fault anything. We communicate well, she always makes an effort, is on time, treats me well and all the important things.

She opened up to me about a month in, about how she had issues in her childhood with her Mother (she did, her mother was a nasty peice of work) and it affects her relationships, she tends to push the people she gets close to away. in short it sounded like she has a fearful avoidant attachment style. Normally this would be a clear red flag, but I continued to pursue it because not only do we get on fantastically, but the fact she is aware of her issues and has seeked professional help in the past, made me feel that she is making a conscious effort to work through them. She is also very mature and respectful. I also feel that with my experience of dating someone with a disorder I may be better equipped to handle it.

So we took things slow, there was no pressure, we communicated well things have been fantastic.

BUT... .

We hadnt had a single argument until we went out for her friends party, neither of us are big drinkers, and it was the first time we drank together. The night itself went without a hitch, but when we got home out of nowhere she was saying things like "I (meaning me) deserve better" and a couple of cruel remarks. I dealt with it well, and we moved on, she was very apologetic, and I accepted that alcohol was a big factor in triggering her behavior (I also set boundaries that it isnt acceptable).

Things have been fine this week then today she hadnt replied to my text all day, which is fine, she could have been busy etc (despite posting on social media) but out of character for her, and I didnt push the matter but asked (over text in the evening) if everything was ok, and that if she isnt feeling it then to be honest with me and that i would rather just know now, but she said everything is fine.

we sent a few texts back and forth like we normally do, and got into a bit of a deep chat, and she was saying things like "she will help me find miss right" and I had also mentioned that she gives me butterflys in a good way, to which she later replied that maybe its a warning. she will say things like its just lust between us, which was a bit of a running joke at first, be she seems to use it to cover any feelings.

Its just little things like that, which really give off bad vibes.  she is out for the night now with friends so ive left her to it, but will chat to her in person when i get the chance about mixed signals she gives me. (she told me the other day she wants something long term and today was saying how good it is that we keep things non serious and casual).

I just wanted some advice, it sounds like she is trying to push me away, and I wanted to know how best to deal with that.

im not sure that she is just losing interest and having second thoughts, because i put it on a plate for her to tell me that, So I can only assume the strange comments and behavior of the past week is her trying to push me away, which ive accepted may come if she is fearful advoidant.

[maxsterling]

I've seen many of these behaviors before.  My thoughts:


Don't assume that because she has admitted her issues and sought help that she is any further along in solving those issues than someone who hasn't admitted it and hasn't sought help.  I made that false assumption with my current wife.  On the outset - rough childhood, drug abuse, and now sobriety.  I took the 10 years of sobriety to mean that she is a strong person and a fighter.  I took the fact that she has lived on her own and travelled the world mostly on her own as meaning she was independent.  Yet a few months in, she became completely dependent on me (and still is), and is now back on the addiction wagon.  Your GF is an unstable person. You have to accept that.


Second, an ex girlfriend (the one previous to my current W) used to make comments like "you need to be with someone younger" and "I had a vision of your other girlfriend" and "when you have sex with your other girlfriend you need to use a condom".  At first, I thought those comments were joking or teasing, but later I decided she actually thought I had another girlfriend.  Substance abuse/alcohol were behind those "visions" but they did carry over into times when she was sober.  Eventually this ex (I suspect NPD here) just flat out told me it was over she wanted to just be friends.  No tear in her eye, emotion, nothing.  Just DONE.  I tell you this to prepare you.  Sounds like your GF is considering her future, and a future without you.  She could suddenly become MIA without a peep or sad emotion, and you will be a wreck.  There's nothing you can do.

[juju2]

Hi,
You could go low contact, give her space.
If you get good vibes a lot of the time, these other times, it may be you are getting too close.
No one is going to be perfect.
You could also see what your attachment style is, that will help also.
My 2 cents.

take good care, j

[trevjim]

Eventually this ex (I suspect NPD here) just flat out told me it was over she wanted to just be friends.  No tear in her eye, emotion, nothing.  Just DONE.  I tell you this to prepare you.  Sounds like your GF is considering her future, and a future without you.  She could suddenly become MIA without a peep or sad emotion, and you will be a wreck.  There's nothing you can do.

This is my worry. I've had a couple of things like this happen before, in different circumstances, and I'm usually very very good at sensing when something is up, even when there isnt much to point to.

My girlfriend too has said about me having sex with my other girlfriend in 'jokey' ways.

She also said I should get with a girl who had commented a fairly neutral thing on my Facebook months before we got together.

I assumed it was just insecurities. I mean even the most secure people have insecurities.

I know it's early days but I'm very determined and dedicated to making this work with this girl. I can't fault her dedication in terms of actions (up until ignoring me today which I could well just be getting paranoid about)  she just tends to say some really odd things, which a healthy person wouldn't say, and they have only started to be said in recent weeks, which makes me wonder if stuff is going through her head.

I've given her many opportunities to talk about it, in a low pressure non confrontational way, but she always lets me know nothing is wrong.

[trevjim]

Hi,
You could go low contact, give her space.
If you get good vibes a lot of the time, these other times, it may be you are getting too close.
No one is going to be perfect.
You could also see what your attachment style is, that will help also.
My 2 cents.

take good care, j

Yea I'm definitely not going to be pushy, I'm seeing her in a couple of days so will maybe try and chat then in a low key way.

I think I'm anxious avoidant, although I've worked hard on that in recent years and have quite a good handle on it these days.

It just gets triggered when my gf at the time starts acting out of character. I always try and keep the anxiety under control as I know that it will only push people away

[juju2]

Hi,
My experience is to find out more about myself;
If i know what attachment style i have, ways to change myself that agree w my values, get out of my own way, etc.  The only person i can change is myself!
We cant change the wind, although we can change our sails.  (famous quote, idk who)
I was always focusing on him and what he was doing, not doing, etc.
Much harder to be aware of myself.  Change happens there!

take what you like and leave the rest, j

[Cat Familiar]

Everything has been wonderful with your girlfriend of four months until the night you drank together. That night she said some unkind things and told you that she deserved better (than you?). Later she was apologetic, but the weird comments have continued about finding you another girlfriend, and wanting to keep things with you casual, yet she has said that she's looking for something long term.

She's admitted to having issues with her mother and that she tends to push people away and has sought help for that pattern in the past.

You'd like to move forward with this relationship, but are confused by the mixed messages she's giving. You wonder if she's trying to close the door on you.

[trevjim]

Everything has been wonderful with your girlfriend of four months until the night you drank together. That night she said some unkind things and told you that she deserved better (than you?). Later she was apologetic, but the weird comments have continued about finding you another girlfriend, and wanting to keep things with you casual, yet she has said that she's looking for something long term.

She's admitted to having issues with her mother and that she tends to push people away and has sought help for that pattern in the past.

You'd like to move forward with this relationship, but are confused by the mixed messages she's giving. You wonder if she's trying to close the door on you.

Yea that 100% although she said that I deserve better then her, not that she deserves better then me

[Cat Familiar]

You're not gonna like my guess on the situation, and I could be very wrong, but here goes. When I was single and dating, sometimes I'd stay in a relationship for a while, having fun but trying to keep it "unserious." Once, I even tried to set up a guy with another girl so that I could gracefully exit the relationship. With another guy, I said, "on't fall in love with me."

I think she's telling you honestly how she's feeling--that she would like a longterm relationship, but that she wants to keep it casual with you. Telling you that you deserve better than her is a significant clue, as is helping you find "miss right", "it's just lust", and the butterflies you were feeling were a warning sign.

She's hinting mightily and I think she doesn't want to come right out and say that she's just not that into you, but she's having fun with you for now. It's possible that can change and you may be right that she's fearful avoidant. In any event, there's something she's not telling you, so you'll have to make your best guess.

[trevjim]

You're not gonna like my guess on the situation, and I could be very wrong, but here goes. When I was single and dating, sometimes I'd stay in a relationship for a while, having fun but trying to keep it "unserious." Once, I even tried to set up a guy with another girl so that I could gracefully exit the relationship. With another guy, I said, "on't fall in love with me."

I think she's telling you honestly how she's feeling--that she would like a longterm relationship, but that she wants to keep it casual with you. Telling you that you deserve better than her is a significant clue, as is helping you find "miss right", "it's just lust", and the butterflies you were feeling were a warning sign.

She's hinting mightily and I think she doesn't want to come right out and say that she's just not that into you, but she's having fun with you for now. It's possible that can change and you may be right that she's fearful avoidant. In any event, there's something she's not telling you, so you'll have to make your best guess.

Thank you, this is exactly the impression I've been getting. I knew there would be times she would be pushing me away, but this feels like a lack of interest more then a fear of intimacy.

I'm bracing myself for the end but at the same time trying to play it cool

[Ltahoe]

After being with pwBPD for as long as I have, not even as long as others, I’m not so sure I would give anyone(knowingly) with a PD a shot. Nothing against them as individuals as all people deserve respect, but why knowingly submit oneself to that. It’s been 4 months, definitely enough time to really like someone, and possibly enough time to be in it with your heart, but again I would consider this as a vision of what your permanent future would be like. Is this what you want to live with forever? Dating is the stage leading to marriage, if you can’t see yourself dealing with this permanently then the dating stage worked as it should as a window for the future and now you make a decision. The more obligations you have with a person the decision will become harder. I also feel the more obligation and commitments you have the person with a PD will become more comfortable with you, meaning they will show you more of their true self the PD will possibly become stronger not necessarily better.

 I feel Cat is also hinting on something also. Anyone offering up another person in her place is either most likely not into you or has some twisted morals.