Too tired to continue...

[fades2gray]

Hi,

I feel so broken down and tired right now. It took me a long time to figure out what was going on in this relationship. I was internalizing his attacks. My therapist kept using the terms "projection", "neurotic push-pull", "fear of abandonment" and telling me that my boyfriend isn't very mature emotionally. But it's been so confusing the way things fall out between us that I couldn't make sense of it and was told I was all kinds of nasty things by this person that I love. It mirrors the abuse I received from my father, and I didn't know how to defend myself from it. I ended up experiencing a lot of self-hatred because of it and became self-destructive again for the first time in many years.

I finally read the "walking on eggshells" book two weeks ago. It described the dynamics between me and my boyfriend exactly. It described what I have noticed about how he interacts with his son exactly. It described how it feels to be in love with someone who has a scary side that only I get to see. I was able to understand what my therapist had been talking about and use some of the things I learned about how to communicate with him. I was cautiously optimistic. I allowed myself to be open to the possibility of things working out between us and I allowed myself to be emotionally vulnerable once again.

It was a mistake. Last night I needed to talk to him about my plans to switch jobs. I've been hiding them from him because when it came up before he attacked me viciously and it ended very badly. But I am interviewing and they will want me to start soon. I thought that it was safe... .we had had a productive conversation about how the way he deals with his emotions affects me and we had had a good meeting with our therapist. I was wrong. He said he was ok with me making the switch and then attacked me in all the ways he did initially. The first time he attacked me it caused severe damage that I took weeks to recover from and when he finally asked me why things were distant between us I broke down and told him how badly I was hurt and scared and he apologized and comforted me. Last night he told me he has no recollection of me telling him or his reaction. So although he apologized for it before he just went back and did it to me all over again. Then when I got upset he told me I was being ridiculous, like he always does.

It ended with me feeling like I just can't do this anymore, I have nothing left to give. Our intimacy is destroyed, I live in a constant state of pain and swallowing his anger and now depression because something like this happens every week and I can't even really recover in between. I know he is in an incredible amount of pain but I feel like this is destroying me. That I cannot be safe or have even basic needs met in this relationship and that it is doing permanent damage to my self-worth and ability to trust other people.

I haven't left up to this point because I love him so much, his son needs me, and I am very isolated and don't feel I have good options outside of the relationship. But it feels like to stay will be a slow death... .

Last night he said he thinks we are making progress (he doesn't know that he has BPD... .just that he has issues dealing with his emotions and a fear of intimacy and abandonment). He said this because before when he would attack me I would usually end up leaving and last night instead I ended up just talking to him about his pain and comforting him. But what he doesn't seem to understand is how badly the attacking affects me. I cried so hard my face is swollen today, I didn't sleep last night, I can't eat today. I don't seem to be able to not take it personally or forget the things he says about me. I'm depressed and my entire life has been on hold throughout the relationship and things are starting to unravel with my work and finances.

I've never been in such a terrible bind.

 

[pearlsw]

Hi fades2gray,

I am sorry to hear you are struggling with so much! These kinds of relationships can indeed be confusing and very painful. They can easily lead to isolation.

You mention being self-destructive again. Is your therapist helping with that? How are you doing currently?

Can I ask you to please try to eat something dear?    I am sorry you were crying all night!    What was making you feel so sad? What happened?

We're here to support and listen. No slow deaths! We're here!

with compassion, pearl.

[professorplum]

It is so hard to not take attacks personally.  Because they are personal.