To tell or not to tell?

[starlet564]

Been with my uBPDh for a total of 3 years, been married for a month and half.  That time has been more a nightmare than a honeymoon.  On the second day, he cussed out my mother, he's threatened to divorce me several times (even texted others he was going to), he smashed his wedding ring with a hammer (he's bought another one since), he's torn up our marriage certificate, he's verbally and emotionally abused all with intermittent sentiments of how much he loves me, how he misses the way we used to be (which I do too).  I've also come to find out that he's pretty much lied to me throughout our relationship about who he was.  This roller coaster is too much to take.  I love him and feel so badly for him.  I know the emotions/pain are too much for him, but the mental anguish for me is unbearable. 

I've met with a divorce lawyer and they're setting up to serve him next week.  He knows there are problems and I'm not happy, but my happiness is secondary to his.  The last week he gave me the silent treatment except for texts which he was able to send, but blocked my number so he couldn't receive any from me.  Today, he was telling me how he's in a peaceful place and has unblocked me, but I can only speak peaceful things to him return.

Should I give him a heads up that this is coming? 

[Harley Quinn]

I think it's a decision you need to weigh up.  If you do tell him, is that for your benefit or his?  How do you expect him to react?  I can only imagine that doing so would advance the reaction by a week.  Could you use the week to be peaceful before the divorce proceedings commence?  That is what I'd be asking myself. 

Love and light x 

[starlet564]

I think it's a decision you need to weigh up.  If you do tell him, is that for your benefit or his?  How do you expect him to react?  I can only imagine that doing so would advance the reaction by a week.  Could you use the week to be peaceful before the divorce proceedings commence?  That is what I'd be asking myself. 

Thanks Harley Quinn.  Good points to reflect on.  Overall, I don't want him to feel blindsided.  I was hoping to mitigate any sort of fall out or rage, but like you said that just might advance it by a week.  He is currently unemployed and has exhausted my bank account to the point where I couldn't even help him financially if I wanted to.  He moved into my condo.  I guess I also wanted him to prepare and think about a possible exit strategy.  So, it might be for my benefit as I'm processing it now because once he's served I won't be able to return to my own home until who knows when and I'm fearful that in his anger he'll destroy my condo and I can't afford any repairs right now.

[Skip]

You are in a community property state so half of everything acquired during the marriage is his included a 50% interest in the principle paid on the mortgage. 

Since you're living together, it might be good to talk to him. We can help you plan it. I would spread it it out over a couple days.

[ForeverDad]

I was married for over a decade before we had a child.  I knew how much stress she had and I hoped having a new life she could watch discover life and the world would make her happy.  I was so wrong.  She instead relived her childhood through our son.  (I can only imagine how much worse it would have been if we had a daughter!)  We ended up divorcing while our son was a preschooler progressing into school age.  Life was so very stressful for years.

Why did I write that?  To remind you that many here have had my experience.  Though we treasure our children, the price we paid by having to continue dealing with a problem parent after the marriage imploded is enormous.  Thus far you can end the marriage and walk away, no children.  If you're not careful to avoid a pregnancy in the remaining weeks or months of the marriage, you will have decades of parenting with someone who is mentally unbalanced.  I wish it weren't so, but that's the reality.  Be in charge of birth control.  If you should relax your guard and get pregnant in these final weeks, everything gets vastly more complicated.

As for why it all got so much worse right after the wedding, there are a few possibilities.  One is that once he had you locked in or obligated with the marriage then he felt he could let loose with more impunity.  Perhaps he feels that being married gives him more control over you and that you have to suffer his erratic behaviors and terms.

As whether to give him advance warning, what would be the benefit?  Ponder whether sharing this information sooner would make things easier or, conversely, give him an opportunity to somehow sabotage your decision?  I can imagine him either raging with demands and ultimatums or sweet-talking with promises to change.  Sadly, change would come hard for him and would take years to confirm whether he was really applying the therapist's guidance.  (Him starting therapy and truly applying it in all aspects of his life, perceptions, moods and thinking over years is what would be needed, regardless his claims otherwise.)

[livednlearned]

It is a shock to discover such different behavior after the wedding 

What is the method for serving him? Will he be at work? Or at home?