Introduction and terrified of what future holds

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Things have been moving so fast this was not the forum I intended to post in.

Brief history if possible.  Wife is u treated what I would call high functioning invisible bp with comorbid histrionic traits.  Most all of this is new to me as for years it was always hidden or treated as something else.  Wife and I married about 17.5 years. This is third major separation, but as always there is more to it.  Looking back there are at least one previous physical affair and 3 at least emotional ones that I am aware of. We have 4 kids together plus an adult step daughter from her previous relationship.  We have done 3 years combined couples counseling with her first affair, and second separation.  This one is different. And hind sight is always 20/20. Things had been going ok for about 2 years since she last ran off.  In the midst of that separation (2nd) I filed for divorce in order to establish jurisdiction so she could not take kids to California, separate the massive debt she had been secretly creating, and to establish custody as is the only method to do so in NV.  Eventually she was getting help and things were getting better (so I thought). I cautiously allowed her to move back in (long story short... .Family home lease was in my name only, and finances had been separated). Earlier this year the red flags started to appear again. I did all the things we had learned in counseling, and each one failed. She had already began lying, and her dress for work changed. Shortly after this in February her father suddenly passed (cocaine OD). He was the major source of trauma in her childhood and also an enabler for her running away (a very odd toxic relationship). Things got bad pretty quick. Then in June the comments of "I'm just sad" turned to "I'm so angry and I don't know why" to "I'm so angry at you" I made could toss attempt to address or fix things and was blocked over and over. She refused to get help or counseling for grieving. One evening I caught out of the corner of my eye her cell phone get multiple messagesin quick succession... .from a male coworker... .cell pho e password had been changed so I couldn't read them... .and a confrontation with all lies and stories from her was result.  After continuing to try and rescue things on July 14 she left.  There is obviously a lot more details, but the end result is without really doing anything but distancing herself and lying about everything including swearing there was no one else after I returned from bringing my ailing father home from the hospital to hospice care the Soo. To be ex-wife had my kids for their first overnight visit with out any warning to me or kids she had the new lover and his daughter living there and my kids saw them retire for the night to the same bedroom and close the door while the 6 other children were left to their own for the night.  When the kids were dropped off 2 were wheapy and one full on crying. Still nothing was said or explained. My oldest daughter told me what had happened a out 10 minutes after the wife left. She explained that her mother did not even explain. Who this guy was, what was going or anything, just acted as if nothing was new or abnormal.

So now I am in emotional overload with my father dying, my wife out now living u explained with her new lover (a co-worker btw), and terrified for my kids safety, but no direction forward.  I still have $12k debt from the last haulted divorce proceedings and counseling. I want to get a temporary protection order to protect my kids from this unknown preditor, but I don't think the requirements of threat of domestic violence can be met in order for it to be granted and with no legal representation, no resources for which to get one I feel absolutely defeated before I even get started, plus how to emotionally support my 4 minor children.  I have not spoken in any format to wife since kids were dropped off. Of course I haven't slept or eaten either. There are tons of details skipped for sake of space and time. However I don't know ow if it even matters but a few days before this recent visit I noticed an AR-15 magazine on front passenger seat in wife's truck (which is actually her dead father's truck... .creapy). I. The 17 years we have been married she has only shot a rifle o ece over 10 years ago so I assume.e this it the new lovers, which makes me even more on edge. I did take a pic, bit sure it doesn't matter.

I am reeling from all of this and really could use some advice... .

[SirGalihad78]

Things have been moving so fast this was not the forum I intended to post in.

Brief history if possible.  Wife is u treated what I would call high functioning invisible bp with comorbid histrionic traits.  Most all of this is new to me as for years it was always hidden or treated as something else.  Wife and I married about 17.5 years. This is third major separation, but as always there is more to it.  Looking back there are at least one previous physical affair and 3 at least emotional ones that I am aware of. We have 4 kids together plus an adult step daughter from her previous relationship.  We have done 3 years combined couples counseling with her first affair, and second separation.  This one is different. And hind sight is always 20/20. Things had been going ok for about 2 years since she last ran off.  In the midst of that separation (2nd) I filed for divorce in order to establish jurisdiction so she could not take kids to California, separate the massive debt she had been secretly creating, and to establish custody as is the only method to do so in NV.  Eventually she was getting help and things were getting better (so I thought). I cautiously allowed her to move back in (long story short... .Family home lease was in my name only, and finances had been separated). Earlier this year the red flags started to appear again. I did all the things we had learned in counseling, and each one failed. She had already began lying, and her dress for work changed. Shortly after this in February her father suddenly passed (cocaine OD). He was the major source of trauma in her childhood and also an enabler for her running away (a very odd toxic relationship). Things got bad pretty quick. Then in June the comments of "I'm just sad" turned to "I'm so angry and I don't know why" to "I'm so angry at you" I made could toss attempt to address or fix things and was blocked over and over. She refused to get help or counseling for grieving. One evening I caught out of the corner of my eye her cell phone get multiple messagesin quick succession... .from a male coworker... .cell pho e password had been changed so I couldn't read them... .and a confrontation with all lies and stories from her was result.  After continuing to try and rescue things on July 14 she left.  There is obviously a lot more details, but the end result is without really doing anything but distancing herself and lying about everything including swearing there was no one else after I returned from bringing my ailing father home from the hospital to hospice care the Soo. To be ex-wife had my kids for their first overnight visit with out any warning to me or kids she had the new lover and his daughter living there and my kids saw them retire for the night to the same bedroom and close the door while the 6 other children were left to their own for the night.  When the kids were dropped off 2 were wheapy and one full on crying. Still nothing was said or explained. My oldest daughter told me what had happened a out 10 minutes after the wife left. She explained that her mother did not even explain. Who this guy was, what was going or anything, just acted as if nothing was new or abnormal.

So now I am in emotional overload with my father dying, my wife out now living u explained with her new lover (a co-worker btw), and terrified for my kids safety, but no direction forward.  I still have $12k debt from the last haulted divorce proceedings and counseling. I want to get a temporary protection order to protect my kids from this unknown preditor, but I don't think the requirements of threat of domestic violence can be met in order for it to be granted and with no legal representation, no resources for which to get one I feel absolutely defeated before I even get started, plus how to emotionally support my 4 minor children.  I have not spoken in any format to wife since kids were dropped off. Of course I haven't slept or eaten either. There are tons of details skipped for sake of space and time. However I don't know ow if it even matters but a few days before this recent visit I noticed an AR-15 magazine on front passenger seat in wife's truck (which is actually her dead father's truck... .creapy). I. The 17 years we have been married she has only shot a rifle o ece over 10 years ago so I assume.e this it the new lovers, which makes me even more on edge. I did take a pic, bit sure it doesn't matter.

I am reeling from all of this and really could use some advice... .

[ForeverDad]

I recall  post I made years ago... .

This has been said many times that I don't know if there is an original quote to cite, but I remember in the original Star Trek series the Enterprise's engineer Scotty finally exclaimed to those on the Bridge, speaking of the Klingons trying to keep luring the Enterprise away from Captain Kirk and the landing party with a second false distress signal, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"

She has fooled you enough times while you tried to keep the marriage together.  As difficult as the current financial circumstances are, feel released from any past obligation to keep trying.  No one will tell you that infidelity is not enough to break a marriage, especially repeated infidelity.  True, most courts ignore infidelity as a factor but they at least are there to unwind the marriage.  Who knows?  Maybe they will consider the prior divorce case's legal fees as marital debts to be split and not yours alone.

[livednlearned]

I am in emotional overload with my father dying, my wife out now living u explained with her new lover (a co-worker btw), and terrified for my kids safety

SirGalihad78, I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering that brings you here.

We think things can't get any worse and then they do.

Is your father receiving hospice in your home?

What ages are the kids?

Is there a custody order in place? It sounds like the divorce was initiated, but hasn't been finalized, and that there was some kind of verbal agreement about the kids spending time with her? Or is this part of a custody order?

Sorry to pepper you with questions, it will help us better support you to know some of the basics.

Glad you found the site, and hope you'll keep posting  

It really does help.

LnL

[SirGalihad78]

So yeah so much that many details are missing from original post. My father is in hospice 5 min from my work, but 45 min from my house.

The original divorce proceedings from a few years ago were withdrawn (yeah I know stupid me) after 18+ months of counselling and trying to work things out.  She had done the classic BPD rage directed at me and ran off and got her own place, etc.  At the time I was done and ready to end it all, butt he progress made and the kids made me stay.

Right now she had been spiralling since her father's death in February, and all the tools learned and applied previously failed. And one day she packed up and left claiming she wasn't happy, didn't want to be married anymore and needed space. Initially she would drop by to see kids, then she announced she had gotten a new place with adult daughter (my stepdaughter). Then the day I brought dad home she had kids and had exposed them without explaination to this dbag and his teenaged daughter who is living there too.  She has not said a single word to me at this point. So now I am scrambling to figure out how to get out of this roller coaster marriage for good and retain as much custody of my kids and as much space from her as possible.

The kids are with me 5-6 days a week now because I am cautious and know I can't keep them from her or it will come back to bite me in court, but I don't know what to do with the other guy. The only thing I know about him is he is a co-worker of hers with obviously no morals or boundries.

My kids are all girls ages 16 (17 in 2 months), 13, and 5yo twins.  I am attempting to get the older two in therapy ASAP to address damage mother's behavior may be doing.

My biggest issues are how to proceed in protecting myself and kids as much as possible with no money to hire legal help that would understand all the intricacies and manage father, regular life, and job, plus my own emotional state.

[david]

Document all the time you have with the kids. Keep a journal. Also, any doc,dentist, etc visits.
How are the kids now ? Do they talk to you about their mom and what do they think. Are they having coping issues.

[SirGalihad78]

The 13 year old is not talking much, which is not really out of the norm for her.  The 16yo is conflicted for sure. she talks sometimes and not others.

I am really concerned that the wife introduced/exposed them to the new lover/coworker without warning or explaination to them or to me at all.  I really feel the need to address it (along with all the other ragging emotions involved when you find out your SO is having an affair.  I don't know what to do about it and it with got me terrified.

I feel so adrift and stuck and don't know what i should do to move forward.

[SirGalihad78]

So I texted my soon to be ex telling her how uncomfortable I was with how she exposed my kids to the new boyfriend and long story short again I was informed that she has already filled for divorce and custody.  She also made accusation that she was concerned with my emotional and mental state.  she made the threat that she will continue to come and visit the kids on weekdays and take them on weekends and that is would be a really bad Idea if i was to prevent her from seeing them.

[livednlearned]

Yikes. She moved fast  

When I left my ex, my L told me to create opportunities for our then S10 to talk to his dad by phone. So I did, and that satisfied the court. We did that until both parties were able to draft a temporary order (which became status quo). Your temporary order may include boilerplate language about not exposing the kids to a new partner for a year, or whatever reasonable alternative you specify. Maybe a quick consultation with an L can help you figure out if a similar option is available to you.

It's pretty standard practice to give kids some breathing space before a new partner is introduced. My guess is that you won't have a hard time convincing court that mom needs to cool her jets and slow things down for the kids.

Since you are now in the neighborhood of family law court and legal proceedings, it's a good practice to double check all your messages and imagine them being read aloud in court. You do no want your own mood state to be called into question (not that you have indicated anything problematic, just that it's hard to remember this when you're flooded in distressing emotions).

Instead, try to focus everything on what is best for the kids. I know this seems obvious, but it can be hard to do when you're overwhelmed. "I agree to the weekday visits and will help make that happen -- I know they desperately want your attention. I cannot agree to them spending overnights with you when X is there, it's way too fast for them. Having him be there is extremely confusing and unsettling for them and we have to put their needs first."

My court seemed to be very forgiving about the behaviors right around time of separation -- everyone involved seemed to know that yah, these two need a cooling off period. What differentiated my behavior from my ex is that I was able to frame everything in terms of what was best for then S10. Whereas ex could not sustain that and it became pretty obvious.

What did your original divorce proceedings say about custody?

[david]

Ditto with what Lnl said.
Also, She informed you that she filed. That doesn't mean she actually did. My ex allegedly filed for divorce three times before she actually did. Looking back, I believe she was looking for my reaction.
When she finally did file she was telling people months later that she was single. We actually were in a custody eval, the first one, and she told the evaluator we were divorced. The evaluator wanted the court papers but, since we were still married, ex could not produce them ?
We only communicate through email. Divorced in 2010 and our youngest is 15 so we still have to communicate. Ex will send an email so off the wall that it makes no sense. I don't respond to them. Sometimes, from something our son says, I learn what the email was all about. Usually something else was stressing her out and she projected it on to me for her own feelings. It's like dealing with a two year old but in an adult body with all the extra things adults have experienced so the stories sound a little better.

[ForeverDad]

At the least she is trying to keep you off-balance.  Maybe she has filed, maybe not.  Most counties have web sites where you can look up whether a divorce has been filed.  Find the site, bookmark it and monitor it going forward.

There is no point in exclaiming, "You lied, I looked and nothings been filed!"  That's negative engagement, gets you nowhere, not constructive.  Hmm, if you determine she hasn't filed, maybe she is trying to delay you from reading the tea leaves, realizing it's over and being the first to file again?

However, you can count on her seeking majority custody and parenting time if she does file.  And she is likely to make wild allegations to gain the upper hand.  Ponder how you can avoid getting trapped on the defensive.  Fathers generally have an uphill struggle, don't let her sabotage you by being passive or timid.

[SirGalihad78]

The keeping off balance is there for sure.  After very agressive statements last night I reached out to her brother to see if he would talk and he seemed mostly unaware but admitted he was funding divorce simply because she asked for help.  Shortly after that she offered to withdraw divorce complaint if I was willing to work directly with her and filling a mutual agreement instead (don't remember legal name).  And she has been mostly nice today.  I know I have to be careful of how/what I say.  The most difficult part of that is being in the dark with what has been going on.  With her keeping everyone compartmentalized it seem the only way to get anything is through her directly. Her bevahior over the years has definitely altered or conditioned my behaviors and I am struggling to be who I am/used to be. 

I know it flies in the face of reason, but I have loved this woman with everything I have for so long that I can't trust myself to be objective in dealing with her and it makes me vulnerable, open to being manipulated and terrified.  The affair is not the worst part.  The loss and feeling that things will only continue to get worse and again as crazy as it sounds the fear that she will never get help are in the forefront of my mind.

I have checked the area county sites and see nothing filled yet.  I have setup an appointment for Monday with my previous attorney.  I cannot afford their services but they have everything on file still and I am hoping to at least get a good cover on my options and direction if there really is a chance for the joint divorce approach without a judge and forced mediation.

[ForeverDad]

Getting a legal consultation is smart, and much less cost than hiring with a retainer.  You and the lawyer should review what the prior hurdles were and build a framework of strategies to avoid the prior obstacles and sabotages.  Learn from prior mistakes.

Very important, if you do work up a consensus document with her, don't obligate yourself until you can review it with your lawyer.  Your L may see traps or loopholes that you may not notice.  BTW, we here in peer support — been there, done that — are good sounding boards too, our hard-won collective wisdom is immense.

[SirGalihad78]

So I have a sticky situation. Obviously since I am emotionally raw I am aware of her triggering me during any physical interactions.  She has agreed to withdraw divorce complaint to file joint motion after we hammer things out (still no proof she actually filled).  My current thinking is to drag that process as much as I can while getting whatever legal help I can and draw up my ow divorce complaint using modified version I had done by lawers the first time in case things go sideways.  I requested a copy of retracted divorce complaint and she agreed. Then at least I see what's going on there. 

Now the problem. I am emotionally in chaos.  I love this woman and will for some time until I can process and get over it.  She knows this. She has continued to demand visits with the kids and I know as a man it is very risky for me to deny access. And the issue with her having the lover there when she has the kids she will not back down on and I don't think there is anything I can do.  So she keeps pushing that she is coming to see the kids today.  My oldest two have a BBQ they will be at and I have told her they will not be available.  I offer that she could see the twins, but that she may not be at my residence as it is a safe place for me and the kids and offered to meet her somewhere public in town and that if her lover is there that I will leave with the kids for their safety.  So in the process of me being emotionaly week and also trying to get information from her for future use she keeps pushing that we talk in person about thoughts on custody, her saying she will tell me all that is going on in person.  I know that is a bad idea, but don't know how to cut that off without making me look bad.  I do not know what is behind the requests for these two thing when everything else has been via text and I have not had an actual conversation by phone or in person in about two weeks.  All I know is that something is up.  She has made some mixed comment in last 24 hours of "Don't want to hurt you, miss you but I have to do this, I had to break this cycle, up to even the last one of someday when we are older and have experienced all life has to offer we will find each other again and make things work, etc." However there is no real emotion in anything she says right now. As much as my broken heart wants it I know this is all show.  She is cold, distant and shows no remorse for anything she has done or is doing.

So how do I deal with this trap.  I can not have anyone else take kids to meet her due to the attention my dying father needs and I have no friends left. I could record everything as Nevada is a one party consent state. However I'd rather just not do it. I am not in an emotionally good place right now.

[livednlearned]

she keeps pushing that we talk in person about thoughts on custody, her saying she will tell me all that is going on in person.  I know that is a bad idea, but don't know how to cut that off without making me look bad.

It's good that you have awareness about your weakness -- that's a strength  

At this point, it's similar to breaking an addiction. It sounds like seeing her in person is a bad idea for you. One of the ways we begin to process emotions is by doing things that are uncomfortable. For you, it seems to be doing something that might "make you look bad."

What would happen if you said to her, "Meeting in person isn't an option right now."

Are there other options you are willing to tolerate for this particular conversation she wants to have? Facetime? Skype? Text? Email? Phone?

You have the strength to have boundaries for your kids and are struggling to have them for yourself.

What happens when you do something that "makes you look bad?"

I would try to unpack that in as much emotional detail as possible, to the point of almost experiencing the feelings you anticipate.

Can you pinpoint where these feelings come from? Maybe something in your family of origin that is similar?

[SirGalihad78]

So I kind of dodged a bullet.  On the way to dropping off the twins, a large thunderstorm started. So I had the kids open their umbrellas and run to her car (I parked maybe 120 ft away). With her trying to get them buckled in the car and not get soaked i hopped back in my truck and quickly left. 20 min later she invited me to meet her and twins for dinner. I said I was busy grocery shopping.

However I am definitely having trouble separating. I have so much mixed emotions in my head and sometimes they get the better of me.  I want to understand (part of my nature), have loved this woman so long that the whole thing tears me apart.  The lack of responsibility and remorse for what she is doing drives me nuts. How calm and matter of fact she is with things also gets to me. And she during pickup of the twins she kept her distance, but she had the twins give me back small box with wedding band and diamond earrings in it with a note inside. I was not prepared for the emotional weight of opening that box. And I am so conflicted that I don't want this to be the end. Then later in the evening I was weak with all of this and the news that my father is quickly slipping away and I ended up texting with her in the evening. And the really off comments of not wanting to work on things and that she is done and that she wants to live her life for her to comments of hopes that one day when we are older and have experienced all life has to offer we will find each other again. Comments of how she doesn't want a life without me in it, bit she needs time to heal from the damage of this marriage, to after time to heal that she would be open to rekindling things but it would have to be with new vows and commitments.  Statement that make me angry, and think she has no concept of realty or the consequences of her actions (let alone what they do to me and the kids), but at the same time I am vulnerable to because I want to understand. I know logically I should run and be silent unless it is about exchange of kids or possible separation agreement when we get there, but its like I have been infected with her BPD traits.

I did contact the kids schools and verify she has not removed them from school registration (school here starts in 2weeks), and to notify me if any changes are made to their registration.  I have the physical birth certificates, ss cars and immunization records so that should prevent her registering kids in other town she is in.

But definitely struggling even though I know that she doesn't actually love me and probably never did. 20 years and I'm still a fool.

[ForeverDad]

I encountered the antidote to my boundless love.  The first allegation in court was that I had let my 3.5 year old son tip his training wheel bike in the park (he had just stopped) and chip his elbow.  Not a scratch on him.  When we separated a few months later that was her big complaint.  Didn't incline court to block my parenting.  So each allegation got worse, way more scary.  The really biggest one was when she took him to the ER saying "my son told me... ."  I won't write it here but let's say she walked out only with a prescription for ('empirical' diagnosis) pinworms for the claimed anal itching.  Know what?  It's allegations like that that kill our boundless love real quick.  The love of my life was casting me as Mr Evil.  Even now, I shudder to think, what if we had a girl as I had hoped?

However, I had a friend who went through the same ordeal.  He became so very bitter about his ex.  I knew I couldn't handle it his way.  I chose instead to "Let Go and Let God".  That is, I Let Go and handed the entire mess to God, let him decide her consequences so I could step out of it all.

Reaching a peace with yourself and the whole situation is a process.  Like so many things, recovery is a process and not an event.  However, in the meantime don't expose yourself to ex's attacks nor give her opportunities to sabotage you or your parenting.  What you allow her to do to you now as regarding parenting orders and other related matters may be a huge regret, frustration and hurdle years from now if you roll over now out of misplaced love (that isn't reciprocated).  Sorry, that's the reality.

[SirGalihad78]

So a blowup happened.  I inquired about this weekends visit.  she danced around the issue.  I asked about her other visitor.  She replied that she is allowed to have friends but will take it under advisement, and I pushed, and my emotion got the better of me and I asked why she couldn't just be honest about it and eventually came back with things like "it is a relationship between two adults", "I waited to start "seeing" him until after I moved out", to "But I have been in a marriage that i have been feeling nothing but anger and resentment in. It's only natural to have found someone who has no history with me. No mistakes have been made with him. he doesn't hold any grudges against me. He doesn't say mean things to me." and that was her last message.

The lack of remorse, reason and just the whole thing was a shock.  After her first affair she was remorseful, crying all the time, wanted counseling, etc. This time nothing.  I gotta get away from this and the loving her is clouding everything.

I am afraid of potential allegation because I have 4 minor girls at home, but I am just as terrified of her having those same 4 girls around her live-in lover she has only known a little over 2 months.  Man this is way harder than I thought and way worse than last time.

[livednlearned]

Sending her wedding band w/ earrings back to you with the kids as messengers is a low blow, even more so to the kids if she explained what was in the box, and why she was sending it.

It's triangulating them into adult dynamics that they in no way have the skills to process.

Do you have a counselor you can talk to? Sorry if I missed that detail.

[worriedStepmom]

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all your marriage ending at the same time you are coping with the decline of your dad.  My (nonBPD)ex left me 6 weeks after my dad died, and the two emotional traumas together were very difficult.  It will likely multiply your feelings of abandonment and loss.

Is there counseling available to you?  Even an Employee Assistance (EA) program through your employer, or a counselor at the hospice facility?  That can help you to get a grip on your emotions.

As you look into therapy for your older daughters, consider it for the twins as well.  My oldest was 5 during our divorce, and I had to get counseling for her.  She had a great deal of anger, which manifested alternately as chronic tummy aches or raging tantrums.    At one point her therapist told my ex to minimize the changes in her environment for at least a few months...   He took that to mean it was totally okay for him to move an hour away into a house he'd bought with another woman who had kids.  He didn't tell me about that, and he didn't bother to tell me when he got remarried or divorced again or married yet again.  It's crazy-making, because the kids came to me to make sense of a situation I had zero clue they were even in.  Therapists are wonderful, wonderful help!

It is very important that you engage in self-care right now.  I put a list on my fridge of things that made me smile - everything from "light a candle" to "go on vacation", and I made myself do one thing every single day.  You deserve that.  You are being a wonderful caretaker for everyone else, so shine a little of that light on yourself.

I also had a list of personal mantras.  "I am a good person."  "I am a hard worker."  "I love my kids and will do what is best for them."  "My mother loves me."  etc.  I repeated these out loud in the mirror every day until I could say them all without crying.  It took months.

You can do this.  It will not be easy, but you can do it anyway.

[SirGalihad78]

Well I drove all the way in to town today for the only free legal services for family law I could find in my area. Which is really only a self help clinics at the court house this morning. Wal in find note taped to the door that today's session had been cancelled sorry for the inconveniences. The wife has the kids for two days and is going out to the lake all day and then a family dinner, which I assume is to introduce the new man to the rest of her family and make everything seem so wonderful and validate how she is doing the right thing in moving on from a bad marriage (partially her words).  I am sitting at the park trying to figure out what to do now.

I have that consultation scheduled with my former attorney on Monday still.

For therapy. I was contemplating reaching out to our former marriage counselor, but haven't.  However I do have an initial 2 hour session/evaluation with a new therapist for me, and at least the oldest two daughters  on Wednesday.  This therapist was strongly recommended by someone with knowledge of my situation.   My current mental struggle is the fear of knowing that for the safety and well-being of my kids that I have to stay close enough to my bod wife as she continues to destroy everyone's lives that I can be aware of what is going on to help kids hope. And knowing myself I will probably never stop loving this woman and will have to find a point of balance in being close enough and far away enough at the same time.  I have such sorrow in my heart for her knowing that these disgusting and destructive behaviors are driven by the intense internal emotional pain she refused to face.

[david]

I had some of the same fears about our kids when it all fell apart. I found T that helped a lot. Kept me focused. I stayed steady with the boys. They learned they could trust me and talk to me. I would listen and validate. Gave them guidance when appropriate. Ex had none of those abilities. It took several years but eventually our two boys figured their mom out.
The emotional part takes time. It does get better.
My situation started in 2007. By 2010 things started getting better. Today, ex is still there since our youngest is 15. Her behaviors do not bother me like before. I accept it and actually expect it. What I hear about ex is not positive still. People she worked with, friends, etc have distanced themselves. I occasionally bump into someone that comes up to me and tells me she isn't right. Some I know and some I don't. She has gone through several jobs and burnt bridges along the way.
I slowly dug myself out of the financial hole. Not where I was prior to 2007 but better. I actually lost my job for 5 years because of exs' false allegations. Found a job that fit my kids schedule even though it didn't pay well.