I want my daughter back.

[ForeverDevoted]

Hello all,
My 15 y/o DD was diagnosed with BPD last September (then 14) after we found out she had been cutting and counting calories.  She had also been acting very differently and pushing me away which I thought was just adolescents kicking in, I found it very difficult as she and I had always been close (more so than with my other two DD's).  I had never heard of BPD but when I began reading about this disorder it all made sense to me and it has been with her since as long as I can remember.  The trauma she experienced would have been from a 21 hour labour which resulted in a cesarean and an undiagnosed milk protein allergy which led to two years of searching why my poor baby would not stop crying.

My DD has refused any form of treatment but my husband and I have worked very closely with the Child & Youth Mental Health Services in our area to understand the disorder and to learn emotional intelligence coaching.  I've read so many books, when I was tired of reading the information books I read fiction books with BPD characters.
It's just so difficult not being able to help! We have a very calm house which has defused the situation getting any worse but I worry when she gets older and we don't have as much influence over her.

Her arm and leg is very badly cut up and her eating is all over place - restricting, binging, purging etc. I've read her diaries (without her knowledge) and it just breaks my heart seeing the hatred she has for herself and the drawings of her hand holding a razor blade with the words 'ticket out of this hell'.  Yet she says she's 'fine' and won't do anything to help herself or even talk to me.

I cried on the way to work the other day after yet another tough morning as I've lost the daughter who would do anything for me and LOVED me the most (I now see that she really did mean this!) - I just miss her so much and want her back :-(
Thanks for listening x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi ForeverDevoted,

The situation with your daughter is quite tough. It is very sad that she views herself so negatively and engages in various self-harming behaviors.

You say your daughter refuses any form of treatment. This is quite unfortunate. Has she also said why she refuses? Does she perhaps feel like she cannot be helped?

You also mentioned having read your daughter's diaries without her knowledge. Is that still something you do?

We have some tools here that you might find helpful:

Dealing with suicidal ideation in others

Early signs of possible BPD traits in your children

The first link leads you to information about how best to respond to and cope with suicidal ideation in our loved ones.

The second link leads to a discussion about early signs of BPD in children. Doctors and therapist are often reluctant to diagnose children with BPD, partly because their brain is still developing. Yet it's also clear that certain traits often manifest at quite an early age and it makes sense to then take a targeted approach to deal with those issues.

This is a difficult situation so I'm glad you are reaching out for support. I understand that you miss the way things used to be. As difficult as things are right now though, I do want to say that your daughter is still relatively young and I believe there definitely is hope for her. It is challenging, yet things can improve

The Board Parrot

[ForeverDevoted]

Hi The Board Parrot,
Thanks for your response.  My daughter will not seek treatment as she believes there is no hope, I have sent her an article shared by the Australian BPD Foundation which was very encouraging and lists the stages of healing for those with BPD but it's very hard for her to comprehend as she is only 15.  Unfortunately she does not want to talk about it to me or anyone and she wants a quick fix which is not possible :-(

You asked if I'm still reading her diaries and yes I am.  I go through her room quite regularly as it's the only way I can see where her head is at, she is very good at hiding it.  I also can then see the level of her eating disorder as I find all her lunches and chewed up dinner in plastic bags and I find the bloodied rags/towels.  She will not show me her arms (I have seen it once when she was so drunk that I had to change her for bed - this was the only time she has been drunk and it scared her a lot so hopefully it won't happen again but I'm not banking on it).

Thanks for the links - every bit of information is helpful x

[Kwamina]

I also can then see the level of her eating disorder as I find all her lunches and chewed up dinner in plastic bags and I find the bloodied rags/towels.

I can imagine how unsettling this must be for you finding these things. You want the best for your daughter and miss the daughter you knew before and just want her to return to you. Sadly, BPD is quite a complex disorder and unfortunately won't just go away. Your daughter is still in there though, underneath all her disorder she is still your little girl. Through hard work and commitment it is possible for your daughter to learn to better manage her difficult thoughts and emotions. It still would be difficult and there would be challenges as evidenced by other member's stories on this board, but it is possible, there is still hope.

This hope would require your daughter to commit to treatment which currently is proving difficult. You and your husband have worked very closely with the Child & Youth Mental Health Services in your area. How do they feel about your daughter refusing any form of treatment? Have they perhaps provided you with any tips for getting your daughter the targeted help she needs, even though she herself seems unwilling?

[ForeverDevoted]

How do they feel about your daughter refusing any form of treatment? Have they perhaps provided you with any tips for getting your daughter the targeted help she needs, even though she herself seems unwilling?

My daughter had spent weeks just sitting in with the therapist but refused to talk.  They said not much can be done if she refuses to talk so we need to keep validating her feelings and just letting her know that help is out there when she's ready.

I was hoping to get her help before a crisis occurs but unfortunately I think we'll have to wait for a crisis to happen before she will seek help.  I understand it's very difficult for her being at such a young age and just wanting to fit in with her peers.

She's such a beautiful girl and it just breaks my heart. 
We have hope that we will get through this though, it's just going to take a bit of time... .

[Kwamina]

Hi ForeverDevoted

We have hope that we will get through this though, it's just going to take a bit of time... .

I am glad you are there for your daughter  It is tough indeed, but with you there by her side, your lil one has a fighting chance.

Are you able to practice some self-care as well as you deal with all of this? When taking care of our BPD children it can often be quite easy to totally lose sight of our own self-care and well-being so I hope you also still have some time for you so you can at least somewhat unwind and recharge your batteries.

[once removed]

She had also been acting very differently and pushing me away which I thought was just adolescents kicking in, I found it very difficult as she and I had always been close (more so than with my other two DD's). 

i really feel your pain and your love for your daughter here, ForeverDevoted. i can only imagine how heartbreaking it must feel to see what youve found in her room. i would feel so powerless. im glad that youve joined us, because there is hope.

while i dont have BPD, i know i pushed my parents away a lot at that age. it can be so challenging opening up, to even have a good grasp on how you feel.

can you tell us, ForeverDevoted, a little bit more about your relationship with your daughter is going right now? if its not too painful, it would help us to know more about how shes been acting differently and pushing you away 

[ForeverDevoted]

Thanks for your concern Kwamina,
I am looking after myself - I go to the gym most mornings with my youngest daughter, my husband and I have regular date nights and I've just started having remedial massage weekly (to relieve a bit of tension!).  I have a lot of support from family and friends - I'm very lucky really!

Hi Once Removed,
Hmm explaining a bit about my relationship with my daughter, that's a tricky one as it could be different on any other day.  She pushes and pulls me like a yo-yo, it's very confusing as I never know which child will walk through the door.  She feels entitled and blames me when she doesn't get her way. 
Right now I'm the worst person in the world as apparently it's my fault that she's not going to see a psychologist.  Long story short - she had agreed to see someone just to get medical clearance to do a World Challenge expedition next year.  I booked a Dr appointment to get a mental health care plan, she attended but said she didn't want to do it.  Changed her mind the following week so her Dr gave me a form for her to fill in which she just scribbled on so I've put everything on hold until she's ready to participate.  I've validated her feelings, I've acknowledged her desire to go to World Challenge, I've acknowledged how scary and uncomfortable it will be for her to talk to someone and I've told her how much I love her and am there for her. 
She has been texting me this morning (whilst in class which is not allowed) - she has sworn at me, called me derogatory names, blamed me for the situation and for ruining her day and possibly her life!  We'll probably sit down at the dinner table tonight like none of this has been said.
It must be so confusing for her to have all these intense emotions, I really wish I could help her.

[Feeling Better]

Hello ForeverDevoted

I just want to let you know that I think that you are amazing, the way that you are handling the situation with your daughter right now is inspiring.

You said in one of your posts that you have a very calm house, how wonderful, you must be able to provide great stability for your daughter.

She has been texting me this morning (whilst in class which is not allowed) - she has sworn at me, called me derogatory names, blamed me for the situation and for ruining her day and possibly her life!  We'll probably sit down at the dinner table tonight like none of this has been said.
It must be so confusing for her to have all these intense emotions, I really wish I could help her.

I detect a calm acceptance of your situation in the words that you wrote here, I think that you must have bucketfuls of patience.

We all wish that we could help our kids overcome this terrible disorder, it is so sad to witness what they are going through knowing that there is nothing that we can do unless they realise themselves that they need help and then ask for it.

Keep strong ForeverDevoted x 

[ForeverDevoted]

Aww thank you Feeling Better for your kind words.
I have accepted the situation (don’t like it but have accepted it), I still have down days though.  As for bucket loads of patience - I’ve learnt to be and also learnt many other attributes.  I said to my husband a while ago that it’s like learning a new language!

I suppose we will just keep keeping on and enjoy the good days when they’re there