Candid talk WOW

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi family

Have been dancing around issues.

Finally called my s.o., separated, asked, are you wanting me to put on hold, the decision of moving stuff in to storage?

Out pours all his truth, this new r/s he is in isnt working, he wants to let me know and also not sabotage this other person.

He trusts me enough to say he misses me, he has asked for two months.  For me, to wait, to allow him to sort it all out... .

It seems to me he trusts me.

All i have read, is trust, affinity, and fun are critical for a r/s.  Those are non negotiable.

He said we would need to have serious conversations about x.y.z.  i said ok.

He said he misses me.

More to follow!

with hope, j

[juju2]

Hi family

Have been dancing around issues.

Finally called my s.o., separated, asked, are you wanting me to put on hold, the decision of moving stuff in to storage?

Out pours all his truth, this new r/s he is in isnt working, he wants to let me know and also not sabotage this other person.

He trusts me enough to say he misses me, he has asked for two months.  For me, to wait, to allow him to sort it all out... .

It seems to me he trusts me.

All i have read, is trust, affinity, and fun are critical for a r/s.  Those are non negotiable.

He said we would need to have serious conversations about x.y.z.  i said ok.

He said he misses me.

More to follow!

with hope, j

[formflier]

he wants to let me know and also not sabotage this other person

What does "trusting you enough" have to do with it?  Why does he need to trust you to express feelings?  Is he trying to make sure that you don't to tell the OW... what he said?

What does "sabotaging" the other person mean?

FF

[juju2]

Good questions.

All i know, is i got clarification on, he wants me to hold off on the decision to put stuff in storage.
He is looking at coming back.  He said that would include serious conversations about our differences, which is fine w me.  Thats great!

[formflier]

Since he was being candid, I assume he shared the other things he was looking to do.

Can you share that?

How does this conversation affect your feelings about your relationship?

FF

[SamwizeGamgee]

Street wisdom: This sounds like monkey physics. 
A monkey can swing from branch to branch, but the safest way to do that is know the next branch will hold weight before letting go of the former one.  I suspect he's reaching back to you just for that reason, not a change of heart.
You can be the old branch for a long, long time.

[juju2]

appreciate the protectiveness, defense you all are providing me.

I would like support around creating a healthy r/s from nothing.  I cant redo my past, no one else can redo theirs.

Everything i read on relationships is that you cant hold on to resentments. And, my program teaches me to not judge others.
I understand everything that happened.  I havent shared everything, with all of you.

Am treading on new ground.  Am praying for our r/s, God's will.

[formflier]

  I havent shared everything, with all of you.
 

Is there anything we can do to help you feel ready to more fully share?


FF

[professorplum]

Please be careful with yourself.  I love my wife, who has BPD but denies it strenuously, but if I were to somehow find myself out of the relationship with her, I would probably consider it a relief even though I would grieve it. 

Isn't it a bit of a relief? 

[juju2]

Hi f,

Have shared so much, and its my personal info.
I have tried pm a few trusted members, and those arent receiving pm's right now.

Only my sponsor and my Higher Power have all the information.  as it should be, in my view.

I appreciate the tools here.

Some people want to provide opinion.  For me, i can only rely on experience, strength, and hope.

Everything else is opinion, and benefits me not.

Everyone can accept what they like from this email, and disregard the rest.

With thanks,

j

[juju2]

Thank you Prof

there is an element of relief, if i am honest.
I think grief and relief may be related.

There is so much we shared, i did an in depth review of each year, ten living together, in my journal, each year was full, all different things happening, alot of bonding experiences w life events i never had before.  Its like when i met him, excitement, interesting things, were around him, and i was included... .i was present to seeing lives changed, as he mentors men, who want to change their life.  He took on some difficult people in hard circumstances... .and all during that time, he would share a bit more of his background, and his transformation, through his program.

i never have known anyone so completely.  I got to see who he is.  Up close:  and there is where i experienced the BPD part of our r/s... .

Am so glad i found this site, tools, caring people. I feel like there is a real chance for us to create something new.

I feel hope.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Juju2 -
It comes across to me that you have an abiding love for him.  Although that's certainly not something I'm familiar with anymore, I understand that love is strong enough to motivate change, hope, and a happy future.
You are far ahead of me, and better for it.  I wish you the very best.
Sometimes our focus is our reality, and you are focusing on some really powerful beliefs and feelings.  That sounds very positive.

[formflier]

  I got to see who he is.  Up close:  and there is where i experienced the BPD part of our r/s... .
 

It sounds like you enjoyed getting to know who he really is.

Can you share more about who he is?

FF

[juju2]

I would enjoy that.
All of the BPD good qualities: attactive, personable, smart, intuitive, listening for intention,
economy of words and appropriate word choice
(for instance, the word "suggestion" , he knows one of the meanings is "subtle command"),
so many things. 
he has patience; energetic; finds the best way to get something done; friendly; shows peacefulness.
The program he is in, 19 yrs now, really is apparent in his life.  Also, loyal.

For his 19th anniversary, i made him a card w the St Francis of Assisi prayer on it.

The challenges i experience by being close to him are all the BPD negative qualities. 
Where our r/s broke down was my addiction and my non awareness of my attitudes that were running my show.  I had it like he was making problems for us.  It was all his fault, and he was to blame.  That all ran me... .

[CryWolf]

It’s easy to take blame when something doesn’t work out. I’ve been doing recently as well. But it takes two to make a relationship work and fail. So please don’t blame yourself fully or him.

I understand you miss him and 10 years is a long time to spend with someone. Of course, you will have this bond and memories that won’t be taken away from you.

But let’s look at the now, he is in a reltkonship with someone new. He asked you, to back off and not sabatoge this relationship. What do you think you can do in this situation?

He also has his things in your place for a while now. You don’t think he may Be leaving these at the your place for a reason to come back if the new rs doesn’t work? Just a thought. Not that it could be true but what do you think if this was true? From my reading in breakups and psychology, people like to leave belongings behind so it gives a reason to come back. My ex would do this. I also have done this.

It’s hard accepting someone you see the beauty in to also see BPD. Because we only love them and see the good. I’m sure you love him and see the lovely man you fell for. It’s hard to accept.

Have you read about breadcrumbimg? What do you think on this? Do you think this could be applied in this situation?

Sending you love and joy, Juju.

[juju2]

Cry.   You are right on.!

I get it all.


Just got done emailing him, this is a one time only, (am being a tree, not a statue).
Am going along w his request. This time only.

I have a commitment to myself, if i say something
(After pausing, meditation, consulting w my Higher Power, my sponsor), i will do exactly as i said.
Its about my integrity.

Its important that i follow my program, which basically is truth, necessity and kindness.  Everything has to be able to go thru those gates to become part of what i am.

I am fully accepting, aware of breadcrumbing.
That may be what is happening.

Its interesting and confirming to me Cry, you wrote this to me, while i was writing my truth to him.

I am clear.  And it looks like i am not clear.

I know who i am.  Be not worried, my friend.
With thanks, j

[formflier]

Its important that i follow my program, which basically is truth, necessity and kindness.  Everything has to be able to go thru those gates to become part of what i am.

 

Can you expand on this?

Does this standard apply to others as well?

FF

[juju2]

Ff,

Its an ideal way i want to be, and i fall short.

It applies to myself, and everyone else.

thank you for your support, j

[formflier]

Gotcha... .always good to have a north star... .a standard to measure yourself and the world with.


Also wise of you to realize that you will sometimes fall short.

Taking the same thought a bit further, it would likely be wise to realize that others will sometimes fall short as well.

How do you handle things when you fall short?

How do you handle things when others fall short?

FF

[juju2]

Forgiveness.
and acceptance.

I get myself there.  Believe.

Whenever i am judgemental and angry,  am out of alignment with God's will.  Nothing happens by accident, i believe. 

[formflier]

Interesting... .

So... .how do you go about discerning God's will?

FF

[juju2]

Prayer, meditation, going to meetings, talking w my sponsor, listening, writing,being of service, pausing, until i hear that still quiet voice in my spirit.

As soon as i can become honest and clear away everything within me that is blocking me from the spirit of God, i can improve my conscious contact with my Higher Power!

[Cat Familiar]

Hi juju2,
Maybe you can help catch me up with your story. So you've decided to give him a couple of extra months regarding possessions in storage. It seems that you are interested in rekindling your relationship should he be unattached at that point in time.

What outcome are you hoping for at that point? Are you thinking of casual dating and seeing what comes of that? Or are you thinking about living together again?

Thanks in advance for filling in the gaps for me.

Cat

[juju2]

Hi Cat,

i really dont know.  I am interested in rekindling with him, and if he gets clear on what he wants, it sounds like he is serious, because he said we need to have a serious conversation about our issues... .
he has a lease for a while yet, so that would give us time to create something new... .

he says he respects me, and i am thankful for that.
I feel like we have been able to communicate so much better now, on extremely difficult things.
I have been able to keep emotionally in control, to my credit, as i have been working on myself,
Spiritually, mentally, physically.  I feel good.  I love me.  My life.  It doesnt make sense to me!
I dont know who i am.

[formflier]

  I am interested in rekindling with him, and if he gets clear on what he wants  



My life.  It doesnt make sense to me!
I dont know who i am.

[/b]

I'm curious if these two things are related.

Juju2

What do you think? 

Does it feel right to you?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

It's good to hear that you've been making so much progress with yourself, improving your emotional intelligence, becoming healthier physically and spiritually.    And you feel good and love yourself.  

And that has translated into better communication with him.  

You've got some time to sort things out because he has a lease--on his living space?

You say you don't know who you are. What do you mean by that? Are you unsure if you want to rekindle this relationship?

[Enabler]

Sorry to fire questions at you juju.

He ‘says’ he respects you... .how does he ‘show’ you he respects you?

In my experience words are empty and consistent actions show me the true nature of my W heart. My W ‘says’ I am abusive and she NEEDS a divorce, but she doesn’t ‘show’ me this with actions.

[juju2]

F,

I meant it in a good way, feel that am detached, accepting, and living a full life.

Cat, yes, we would have time to sort things.
Enabler, will give that some thought and get back to you.

Thank you all for your support,  j

[formflier]

F,

I meant it in a good way, feel that am detached, accepting, and living a full life.
 

I'm glad it is a positive thing for you.     

Do you think they are related?

FF

[juju2]

No.

Its different for me, thinking things through, what is best for me.

It a new way of being, and i dont know that person!

[formflier]

.

It a new way of being, and i dont know that person!

Who is "that person"?

So... .in your opinion, you don't think you have ever done "this" before? 

I think I'm starting to understand the vibe of where you are in life... .

FF