Is it possible to become like my pwBPD?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have to say I am really just like F_it right now, this last big blow out actually got me to get the notion to make an appt and go as a T yesterday ... .yeah it’s that bad this time ... .it’s been sixteen years since I was in a T’s office... .

I have to say, as far as this marriage, her udx/BPD, and the events of last week, ... .and all this pent up anger I have over it all... .it’s “do not resuscitate” as far as any idea of “fixing it up” this time ... .

I’m just Burnt Out ... .

And I am just wore out with her, it’s been almost nonstop conflict the entire time.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading today about all of this, and I have to say that from what I have experienced from her, and what I am coming more to understand about BPD ... .it sure don’t bode well, as far as any future for us ... .this marraige.

I agree.  It's hard to know what to do when it seems like nothing but endless dark skies and emptiness.  It took me leaving my bph, having him arrested, getting the kids back, leaving for a month, coming back after never ending promises to do better, more fighting, telling him I was leaving again, left for two weeks, came back, and finally getting him to start therapy.

There were days where there was physical altercations, severe verbal fighting, and some pretty intense intimidation.  I know I contributed to part of the issues.  I just snapped.  I had reached a point where I was done, I even tried to get him to leave me so I could break up with piece of mind.  I slapped him on the face one day when he cornered me and start shaking and screaming in my face.  I don't condone physical abuse by a man or woman.

I can't tell this to just anyone.  I know telling this to just anybody would have them looking at me like, what the heck did you stay?  Why didn't you stay gone?  Why did you go back?  All the same spewed questions of people who don't understand.

His T sent him to a clinic today to get an assessment done to get medicine.  She says it will help him.  I asked him how it went and he said okay he guesses.  I looked at his medical papers when he was in the other room.  His assessment from ab actual doctor is Major depressive disorder, single episode, severe without psychotic features.  Chronic PTSD.. They prescribed him Seroquel and Sertraline.

He is doing a lot better from even a year ago.  I guess time will tell.

[Frankee]

I have to say I am really just like F_it right now, this last big blow out actually got me to get the notion to make an appt and go as a T yesterday ... .yeah it’s that bad this time ... .it’s been sixteen years since I was in a T’s office... .

I have to say, as far as this marriage, her udx/BPD, and the events of last week, ... .and all this pent up anger I have over it all... .it’s “do not resuscitate” as far as any idea of “fixing it up” this time ... .

I’m just Burnt Out ... .

And I am just wore out with her, it’s been almost nonstop conflict the entire time.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading today about all of this, and I have to say that from what I have experienced from her, and what I am coming more to understand about BPD ... .it sure don’t bode well, as far as any future for us ... .this marraige.

I agree.  It's hard to know what to do when it seems like nothing but endless dark skies and emptiness.  It took me leaving my bph, having him arrested, getting the kids back, leaving for a month, coming back after never ending promises to do better, more fighting, telling him I was leaving again, left for two weeks, came back, and finally getting him to start therapy.

There were days where there was physical altercations, severe verbal fighting, and some pretty intense intimidation.  I know I contributed to part of the issues.  I just snapped.  I had reached a point where I was done, I even tried to get him to leave me so I could break up with piece of mind.  I slapped him on the face one day when he cornered me and start shaking and screaming in my face.  I don't condone physical abuse by a man or woman.

I can't tell this to just anyone.  I know telling this to just anybody would have them looking at me like, what the heck did you stay?  Why didn't you stay gone?  Why did you go back?  All the same spewed questions of people who don't understand.

His T sent him to a clinic today to get an assessment done to get medicine.  She says it will help him.  I asked him how it went and he said okay he guesses.  I looked at his medical papers when he was in the other room.  His assessment from ab actual doctor is Major depressive disorder, single episode, severe without psychotic features.  Chronic PTSD.. They prescribed him Seroquel and Sertraline.

He is doing a lot better from even a year ago.  I guess time will tell.

[Red5]

I can't tell this to just anyone.  I know telling this to just anybody would have them looking at me like, what the heck did you stay?  Why didn't you stay gone?  Why did you go back?  All the same spewed questions of people who don't understand.

Yes it’s pretty tough Frankee, I understand exactly what your describing.

This website has certainly helped me to cope, lots of crazy behaviors here as well in our home over the past seven years.

I have to say however that it is hard to surprise me now.

I used to call it “cycling”... .up and down she would go, when she would go off no one could really know.

Tough stuff for sure, keep posting Frankee, and it’s a good thing imho that your H is seeing doc, thank goodness for that... .

Best regards, Red5 

[jsgirl360]

His T sent him to a clinic today to get an assessment done to get medicine.  She says it will help him.  I asked him how it went and he said okay he guesses.  I looked at his medical papers when he was in the other room.  His assessment from ab actual doctor is Major depressive disorder, single episode, severe without psychotic features.  Chronic PTSD.. They prescribed him Seroquel and Sertraline.

He is doing a lot better from even a year ago.  I guess time will tell.

It's good news that he's agreeable to taking medication.  I hear it's common for Major Depressive Disorder and other mental illnesses to coexist with BPD.

While the Sertraline and the Seroquel won't "treat" the BPD, the meds can help the underlying symptoms and "take the edge off". Seroquel especially can be very calming and sedating, to the point that a person with BPD won't "react" as quickly or strongly with dysregulation episodes.  Less dysregulation is always nice! Seroquel is also used as a sleep med.  Also, the Sertraline, if taken daily,  can help with any chemical imbalance causing depression.

[Frankee]

While the Sertraline and the Seroquel won't "treat" the BPD, the meds can help the underlying symptoms and "take the edge off". Seroquel especially can be very calming and sedating, to the point that a person with BPD won't "react" as quickly or strongly with dysregulation episodes.  Less dysregulation is always nice! Seroquel is also used as a sleep med.  Also, the Sertraline, if taken daily,  can help with any chemical imbalance causing depression.

We had a little set back.  What the doctor said was going to be inexpensive medicine, turned out to be a lot more than expected.  He has to talk to them tomorrow or Tuesday and tell them what the pharmacy said.  He wants to get the medicine, but we need it affordable.

I have been noticing a clear change.  Today he said getting frustrated and upset with how the kids were behaving. He got loud and started saying stuff about throwing out their games etc.  He didn't holler only but a few minutes.  Then he apologized to them about the mean things he did say.  Told them he didn't mean it.  I thought about it and his reaction was actually normal.  I got pretty upset with them yesterday too and snapped.

I think from dealing with so many outburts, dramatic emotional reactions that didn't match the situation, and just some serious rage, I think I am more sensitive and aware now when he starts getting upset.  That seems to me that I need to work on.  Not getting all tensed up, bracing myself, waiting for the explosion. 

I think having the emotional dysregulations gone would be such a blessing and a relief.  There are things I am seeing in myself that I don't like.  I feel it's because I have strung myself so thin that I'm snapping all over the place.  I'm about to carve out more time for myself to relax.  I have been holding myself together recently through some pretty stressful events and I can tell it's getting to me.

[formflier]

Many times doctors are able to hand out lots of samples.  Perhaps they can give you enough to see if they really work.  It would suck to pay a bunch of $$ for what doesn't work.

However... .if it actually works and produces improvement... .

Praying you will find a path to affordable medication.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

It's great that his outbursts have gone from extreme to more normal irritation that all parents experience and that he can apologize to the boys. 

You sound like you've got BPD fatigue.     Yes, it's tough to be the recipient of all that difficult behavior and it does take a toll on us. It's easy to run out of patience after a while.   

You've got your hands full with two young boys, but is there something you can do for yourself to recharge your batteries? Maybe some pleasure reading, taking the boys to a park, going to the beach? It's important to take care of you so that you can keep doing what you're doing.

[Frankee]

You sound like you've got BPD fatigue. Yes, it's tough to be the recipient of all that difficult behavior and it does take a toll on us. It's easy to run out of patience after a while.

I am definitely feeling fatigue.  As I write this, I am trying to figure something out.  He just got upset with me.  I feel his complaint was ridiculous.  But he didn't blow up or go completely crazy.

He went in the bedroom and laid down for awhile.  He came out when the kids woke up.  He asked me what I was doing out here that was so important.  I was confused and thought maybe he was upset the kids woke him up.  He got mad about how he was upset and I didn't come check on him and ask if he was okay.  I looked at him like what the heck are you talking about.

He complained how it's not normal for him to lay down in the dark in the middle of the afternoon.  I said I thought he was resting.  I started getting upset and was like, are you kidding me?  He said that I don't care how he feels blah blah.  Finished it off with I don't know how to be a good wife or woman.  I'm sitting here, shaking because I am so flipping mad.  He leaves after we snap at each other.

I am holding together a lot of stuff going on and he wants to get an attitude because I didn't check on him when he was laying down.  And I am left yet again with two small boys who are in my face about stuff while he's off eating a d@mn burger.

I don't feel this is a normal thing and I'm still upset.  I really don't have anything normal to compare this too.  Is this a typical normal jerk guy thing or his disorder flaring up?

[Cat Familiar]

It's like you have three young boys, Frankee. It's just more of the same stuff--excessive self-focus that people with personality disorders have. It's great that he's toning it down, but at this point, you're suffering from burnout, and who wouldn't, if they had to walk in your shoes over the last couple of years!

It's also referred to as a "narcissistic wound"--she doesn't love me because she didn't check in on me and I was upset and nobody cares about me.

Yep, I've gotten the "you don't care" card thrown at me when I didn't do something he thought a loving wife should do--not to mention that I had no clue he wanted attention--like you, in this situation, you probably thought he was taking a nap, like a normal person. Instead, he was stewing that you hadn't thought to check on him, kinda like an infant who might have turned onto his stomach and needed rescuing.

To you, and to me, we think--wow! But in his world, he felt like he needed your attention and you were purposefully withholding it and therefore you don't care. Another instance of feelings = facts.

[formflier]

Hey Frankee... .

   

Does it matter if it is the disorder or "just a jerk"?

Think about the "complaints" that he had today. 

What would your life be like if you cut out 90% of them?

If you were blissfully unaware... ?

If that's a life that interests you, we should probably dig into the details of how you can make that happen.

Thoughts?

FF

[Red5]

Wow Frankee!

That to me is a bit over the top there, Jesus Lord!

... .I pretty much have to request permission to even take a nap... .and then udx wife gets angry and fussy when I do.

Hang in there Frankee!

Red5

[once removed]

people with BPD traits are nothing if not very needy. unfortunately, they also have difficulty communicating their needs.

instead of "is this normal" (its certainly common, we all seek attention, expect others to read our minds and get pissy when they dont on some level), or getting defensive about it, first, take a deep breath. learn to read through it, look for whats driving it. respond to that, try to connect constructively.

[Frankee]

I was going to write a post earlier, but he has been around and I can't let him know about any of this.

Today was just... wow.  Really all I can say.  It started out as him getting upset about hearing a question wrong, giving the wrong answer and then him calling me a liar.  Ugh.  I snapped, called him a jerk, $$hole.  I realized that this was a fight that was going to turn ugly real quick if I didn't watch it.  I could see he was in a mood.

I collected myself and tried to use the tools.  Was hard when I just wanted to punch him in the head.  I was able to keep it together even when it started becoming a much larger rant about basically the world and everyone in it.  He called me a fun sucking spinister again.  It was a huge meltdown where nothing I could say would bring him back to reality.  He eventually ran out of steam, went in the kitchen and collapsed.  Just tipped right over and crashed.  When I got him up, he went out to the back porch and almost fell down the stairs.

This may sounds crazy, probably is.  Even crazier is that it's happened before more than once.  When he comes to, it's like he's checked back in.  Talking to me like a normal person.  This is why I am having issues.  Even the therapist says he's basically crazy.

My point is. Before this kind of meltdown would had left me shaken, cying, feeling like a horrible person before.  Now I see it for what it is.  He had a episode or whatever and I was the closet person he could take it out on.  Maybe what he said holds some truth to how he really feels, but I am not about to try to figure it out.

[Frankee]

I know I have changed.  I have become less tolerant of his behavior.  I am not the laid back easy going person he met because I was different.  I was in a spot of IDGAF if you like me or not.  Being in this relationship with him and putting up with his crazyness is enough to turn any sane person into a ball of madness.

The thing is, now I see it clearly.  He wants to get pi$$ed because I am fun sucking spinister.  Truth is, I am trying to heal from the damage.  I will take responsibility for my mistakes and as much as he see no effort on my part, I see it.  I see the change from who I use to be.

He admitted that he will probably thank me in the future for doing all this, but apparently right now he feels I am trying to destroy who he is and fit him in some box. 

[Cat Familiar]

You've made some big changes in yourself in the last year.    And now that he's doing counseling, he's also making some improvements, but he's still dealing with a lot of issues. It's no fun for you to be the target of his dysregulations, but now you're realizing that, as you said, you were the closest person he could take it out on.

Some of the things he's said are triggering for you, such as being called a liar and a "fun sucker" and you know there's a tiny grain of truth in both of those accusations. You did keep things from him in the past out of a sense of self-protection and it makes complete sense, but that gave him the trigger that he can now use against you. Perhaps it's time to forgive yourself for not telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, because if you had done so a while back, you likely wouldn't have been safe. So now you are safer and maybe you can just let accusations like that go by without feeling hurt by them.

Likewise sucking the fun out of things--well, you're an adult, a mother. Of course you're looking at the big picture of how to take care of your family. Yes, you're not the wild fun loving young woman you once were, but you're a responsible parent, doing her best for her family. And sometimes as you can see, your husband would like to act like the adolescent he once was. And perhaps you'd like him to share more of the burdens of being a responsible adult and a good parent. So, maybe there's a way to hear this insult as him wanting to act out in a more childlike manner and feeling that you're being judgmental about that. And perhaps you are. I think a lot of people would feel the same. It's quite a sacrifice to set aside one's personal desires in order to be a good parent, but that's part of maturing and pwBPD struggle with that.

[Cat Familiar]

If you look at relationships as a dynamic between two people, if one individual changes, it has an impact on the other. You both are growing and it is changing how the two of you relate.

It's really a good sign that you were able to deal with the episode where he dissociated and maintain your composure and realize that it was something he was going through, rather than feeling bad about yourself.  

Undoubtedly he has noticed that lots of his former strategies for getting you to "toe the line" no longer work and so he is using triggers that he knows will still get a reaction--"lying" and "fun sucking spinster" and how on earth can you be a spinster when you're married to him?  

And yes, you're rather exhausted from years of dealing with his difficult behavior, so you're far less tolerant than you used to be. That's good in that you will now step away at an earlier point in his dysregulation cycle and you realize the futility of trying to "fix" things when he's breaking down.

Those triggers that you still have would be great to work on in your counseling sessions. I speak from personal experience when I say that no longer having a reaction to my own trigger has stopped my husband from trying to use it on me. (He said, "You're self-absorbed!" And I said, "Yes, you're right." My mother established the "selfish" trigger on me when I was very young. Self-absorbed is a variant of it and it used to work quite well. Now I realize that any emotionally healthy person needs to be self aware and at times, even self-absorbed. So now I hear that and it no longer triggers me. I just think--he's trying to get a reaction/manipulate me/make me feel guilty/whatever? And the cool thing is now that it no longer works, he doesn't try it anymore.)

[Frankee]

Some of the things he's said are triggering for you, such as being called a liar and a "fun sucker" and you know there's a tiny grain of truth in both of those accusations.

Yes, you're not the wild fun loving young woman you once were, but you're a responsible parent, doing her best for her family. It's quite a sacrifice to set aside one's personal desires in order to be a good parent, but that's part of maturing and pwBPD struggle with that.

.

He's not the only one that misses how it use to be sometimes.  Before there were two kids, it was easier to go out and have fun.  I remember who I was when we met.  There are days I wish I could be like that again.  But you're right.  I am a mother and maturing.

There is a grain of truth to both.  I can work on getting past those things, but he makes them sound so sinister.  The things I did in the past were for self preservation and for still being new to dealing with someone like him.  I did a lot of things because I was dealing with personal issues the n and I had just met him.  I wasn't going to tell basically a stranger all of my personal baggage.

 

What would your life be like if you cut out 90% of them?

Last night I was trying to keep my spirits light when playing with the kids.  He came in and was in a mood.  Asked about stupid jello cups.  I didn't answer "properly" so he got $hitty and did the whole, you can never answer questions right, it's annoying as hell, I'm not the only one that thinks that.  I just sighed and didn't even argue.  Then he told me to get an attitude and do my eye roll things blah blah.

I don't feel bad about getting an attitude because anyone in my spot would of looked at him like he was being a baby.  Boohoo, where are my jello cups, you were supposed to put then in the fridge.  When I had no idea what he was talking about.

Undoubtedly he has noticed that lots of his former strategies for getting you to "toe the line" no longer work and so he is using triggers that he knows will still get a reaction.

Those triggers that you still have would be great to work on in your counseling sessions. I speak from personal experience when I say that no longer having a reaction to my own trigger.

I thought a lot on my own triggers this morning.

I need to bring these up in counseling.  I need to figure a way to remove the trigger of the lying thing.  There is truth behind these lies.  I know why I do them and I am trying to make a conscious effort to stop.  Problem too is when I am not lying, but he is so convinced I am, it's a lose lose situation.  Which I also need to address.

Oh another one is his constant complaint on how I don't answer his questions right or I don't ask the right questions.  It's been an ongoing issue for a long time.  I read older posts and I was talking about it then.

I am going to get an appointment for Wed.  I really individual counseling to get help with dealing with these kinds of issues.

[Cat Familiar]

You're making good progress, Frankee.    And you are able to look past a lot of the little stuff and realize that he's acting the way he does because he's struggling with some of his own personal issues and you're not taking it as personally as you previously did. Of course it's still irritating.  

What helped me with my "selfish" trigger was to fully accept that it could be true, painful as that was. You might try that with the "liar" trigger. In your defense, it doesn't seem like you constructed elaborate lies--it's just that you weren't telling things as a self-protective mechanism. And if the shoe were on the other foot and you were pressing him for details in the same sort of aggressive manner, he'd likely be doing the same. Most people don't want to be grilled about every little thing by someone who is intent on looking for them to slip up.

This is a great topic to bring up in counseling. Once you can free yourself of this baggage, you'll find it will help you in a variety of contexts.

And he's got a lot of the bully act down--"not answering 'properly" and "get an attitude and do your eye roll"--that's classic bully behavior. It has set you up to be in a self-protective mode, so this is another thing to address in couples counseling.

[formflier]

This needs to be put in context, but for a while FF actually lied as well.

When BPDish stuff showed up... .it was so new... so strange and demanded answers so quickly that some of the lies were almost reflexive (certainly not thought through)

So... .let's assume there is a woman in church and my wife accuses me of doing the nasty with her  in the church parking lot... .you know... .helping her hit the high notes for the choir.

Well... .it would be so preposterous that I would blurt out something like "I don't know anything about her... .or some such thing like that."  Then... my wife might find out that I actually had talked to her or served with her in some way at church.  

Well... .the words I used "technically" created a lie, because I did actually know something about the lady and I was actually too scared to say what I wanted to say which was "I'm scared of telling you what I know because you are nuts... "

Yet... .my wife did "catch me" in a lie.  

Well... .as I matured and understood more, I've morphed to a "honest" answer... ."blah blah blah... .the college cheerleaders were neekkid with you in our 15 passenger van... .and you were happy about it"

So... .I now answer "I'm not comfortable discussing that right now... .(perhaps offer later)".  

I'm also speaking things that are actually "authentic" to my feelings... .

Anyway... .looking back it was a surprising hard "habit" to break (the lying... not the cheerleaders... .they just called... gotta go)

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I had a thought on the "not answering questions properly" issue. I know you're no pushover, Frankee, but it seems like in the past, that remark from him would get you into JADE territory. Now, it's good that you're ignoring it.

I've developed a strategy that I sometimes use when my husband has gotten annoyed with me for "answering a different question" than what he asked. I think you have to have the ability to have a really good poker face to pull this one off... .

So I'll say, "OK, let me understand this. You asked me XYZ and apparently I didn't answer the way you thought I should. What am I missing here?"

And he'll try and explain exactly what it is that he wanted me to say. And I continue to play dumb and ask, "So you're telling me that the answer I gave was incorrect? Can you tell me how I could have said it better?"

Basically my strategy is to act curious, kinda oblivious as to what he wanted, interested, and to keep asking questions and saying, "I'm not sure I get exactly what you're wanting. How can I say this so you get that I understand what you're after?" It will get kinda ridiculous and in the process, he generally sees that he's being kind of a jerk and impatient as well. And I just stay centered and keep my poker face on and just ask for more information so that I can do it better the next time.

Usually he gets so bored with the process, he gives up. And it makes it less likely that he will do that in the future, because he sees that I'll get down in the weeds with him on details, but at the same time, I'm apparently trying to be better. And by me being curious, wanting to be "helpful" and looking for a better way to respond to him, there's no room for him to get angry with me and the anger that he has, he realizes is his own impatience and critical attitude.

[Frankee]

It will get kinda ridiculous and in the process, he generally sees that he's being kind of a jerk and impatient as well.

And by me being curious, wanting to be "helpful" and looking for a better way to respond to him, there's no room for him to get angry with me and the anger that he has, he realizes is his own impatience and critical attitude.

I am going to have to remember with this approach is it will piss him off.  He will say I know what I am doing, don't play dumb, I know what he asked, etc.

I am currently feeling miffed.  In the last 12 hours, I have gotten blamed for some pretty heavy stuff that I am not doing on purpose.  Yet of course, he thinks I am.  We almost got into this morning when our toddler woke up in the middle of the night.  He screamed at me for letting him sleep to long during the day.  Then I messed up saying he didn't need to be at our appt Thurs, when he did and it got everything pushed back.

I am tired today.  I know I should wake up the toddler so he goes to bed tonight, but I am enjoying the quiet.  Dealing with my bph and his blame placing today added with little sleep is wearing me down.  I know I am off balance today, so hopefully I will be able to apply the tools.  Wish me luck. 

[Cat Familiar]

Yeah, it certainly could backfire.

The issue here is that he puts you on the defensive and treats you like a district attorney cross-examining an uncooperative witness. That shows an imbalance of power.

Add to that, the blaming about things not being the way he wants. Even if your toddler slept less during the day, he could still wake up in the middle of the night with a tummy ache or after a bad dream.

And everyone makes mistakes now and then. Doesn't he mess up sometimes? Of course, telling him won't make anything better, but I want you not to internalize these unkind remarks.

It's hard when you hear this type of constant criticism not to accept some of it. I know because I lived with that from my BPD mother and my first husband and it totally gets under your skin. But the reality is that they: 1. Need someone to blame and 2. Feel bad about themselves so it goes back to #1 and that's you. 

So, getting back to triggers. The fewer you have, the less you're bothered by this crap. And I must mention that being sleep deprived certainly leaves us with less resources to draw from.

If you can, take a nap today and recharge your batteries, Frankee.   

[Frankee]

Luckily I skated through yesterday without too much trouble.  My youngest woke up again at 3:30am.  It has now been 6 hours and he is going like a sugar crazed gremlin. 

I kind of lost my sanity last night.  He threw a fit because he wanted to watch TV.  I said no, my bph said just give it to him, we're not the only ones that are in the house, and he's going to wake his brother. 

Around 4am, I go to the bathroom and he asks from the room if I am all right.  I said, not really.  And I'll will be d@mned he said... .I told you about those long naps.  I think my eye started twitching.  I opened my mouth and was about to tear him a new one.  I stopped.  It wasn't worth it.  I did kind of do this hair pulling, screaming into a pillow thing.

I am going to make the changes that I need to in order to nip this TV watching habit in the butt.  Going to include fit throwing, which my bph can't stand.  I am going to try to keep everything in the back of my mind tonight.  I already know it's not going to be pretty.

[Cat Familiar]

Good work controlling your exasperation! You're sleep deprived and have been dealing with so much, but you're looking at the bigger picture and see that it was more important to keep your composure than react. 

[Enabler]

I was just talking to a work colleague who understands my situation and describing when I first went to couples counselling after my W called for a separation... ."I was emotionally dysregulating as much as a pwBPD would. I was suicidal, could hardly sleep, lots 2 stone, hardly ate, was jumpy and in a terrible place"... .my point here is that we too dysregulate under sleep deprivation, stress, emotional trauma and constant anxiety of dealing with the madness of a pwBPD. It all takes it's toll.

I was a reactive-non... . 

[Frankee]

Think it finally crashed.  My bph came home for lunch. 

I was laying down and he called me.  I was groggy and kind of out of it. He said something and was like, why are you getting an attitude.  (Really $hitty tone). I told him I am really tired and don't feel well.  He asked why.  I said I have been up with the youngest since 3:30am.  He pops off with the whole b$ about how I let him sleep like 6 to 7 hours a day.  I was dumbfounded but let it go.

I go down to the truck to bring a sandwich.  He gets this look of "what the heck is your problem".  Next thing I know he's telling me I never once said I wasn't feeling well.  My jaw dropped.  I said yes I did.  That just blows up, horribly. 

Next thing I know we are going at it bad.  He insists I never once said I wasn't feeling well on the phone because he would of asked me if I was okay.  I replied, that's why I got so upset because I told you and it was brushed off after you got a $hitty attitude with me. 

Anyways, sleep deprivation got the best and I went crazy lady.  There was no tool applying.  I behaved pretty terrible.  I know I could have subsided, but I kind of lost my mind.  I know I could have handled it better, but I got so fed up with him doing the "you think you told me when you didn't" cr@p on me.  It was a pretty stupid fight.  He wants me to be open and honest, but stuff like this makes it real hard.

[Frankee]

I also wanted to mention it got physical.  No punches or anything.  I tried to walk past him and he did this push with a closed fist thing and I think my survival instincts took over.  I smacked at him.  Then he grabbed at me to calm me down and I started fighting him.  He threw me on the bed.  I know he was trying to stop me, but I was just in serious self protection mode that I started trying to kick him off me. 

Looking back at the situation.  I know I did that because of what he has done in the past.  I've reached a point where I no longer allow any indication that he is trying to get physical and I just automatically fight back.

I sit here crying about it.  I want to get better, but I think there is a deep seeded resentment.  I literally just went into fight mode without even thinking about it.  I know I am stronger for being able to do that, but it scares me at the same time.  Then he tries to make me feel crazy and saying that was not normal.

[Cat Familiar]

Good stuff to bring up in therapy, Frankee.      You are sleep deprived and have a heavy load of resentment toward him, and lots of that is well deserved. A big issue is that he's going District Attorney on you--questioning you and trying to prove things that you know aren't true.

Part of the problem is that you two have a history of physical violence. Once that door has been opened for the first time, it's much easier to open it again at the slightest escalation. As you know, that's dangerous. You don't want to do that, but you're not at your best when you're sleep deprived and as you said, you automatically fought back.

He's putting the blame on you for that, when wasn't it him that originally crossed that threshold some years ago? Of course you cannot say that to him, but remember that you didn't start the physical stuff at the beginning, so don't take on the shame when he accuses you of that. He did his share of physical stuff just now by grabbing you and throwing you on the bed instead of walking away from a fight. So it's not all you.   

Cat

[toughday]

I know that i changed as a person during the 2 years with uBPDexgf. For the first 6 months i was completely golden. She would shout and scream about anything and everything and i would be completely calm and just tell her i loved her. It took 6 months for me to react. I started by retreating emotionally when she had said something horrible often for weeks at a time then i would blow up over something insignificant and it would all come out. She would then say that my inability to communicate was our biggest problem and her behaviour was seen as insignificant in comparison. This continued for well over a year.
She was incredibly self centred and thoughtless and inconsiderate that i then started blowing up myself i think in an attempt to balance the narrative of our relationship. I felt that i had to fight and shout and scream to be considered and heard. Obviously it didn't work. During this time i was a complete dick at times. I said and did things that i am incredibly ashamed of. She would invite her family and friends around to our new house to see it but usually when i wasn't there. This made me feel that i wasn't being considered and i would shout and scream that it was our house and she should invite people around when i am there too. I became incredibly jealous of her past and especially her ex which is crazy as he lived in another continent and they hadn't seen each other for 7 years and had NC. It seems silly now but it really bothered me then.
I will freely admit that during this 6 months it would have been hard to spot which one of us had BPD. The two hardest things to deal with for me are being discarded but the worst by far is coming to terms with my own behaviour.
She wanted a picture of her and her dad when she was getting married to her ex at her dads funeral. She asked if that was ok and i reacted quite badly. Her dad had just died and thats how i act. I find that very difficult to deal with. She had in the past compared me unfavourably to her ex so he became a trigger but i don't think i will ever forgive myself for what i did.
So is it possible to become like you pwBPD. I think so. They are experts at finding your triggers or weaknesses and exploiting it and it can be relentless. In just over two years i felt completely broken at every level. I had nothing left to give and no longer recognised myself. My relationship raised so many issues within me that i am now in therapy to not only get over and understand the last two years but also to improve myself and value myself more as a person so thjs never happens again.
As much as i think i became like her and displayed BPD like traits the one area where there is an obvious difference is that i carry this shame and guilt with me. i recognise my own behaviour and am dealing with it. She believes the break up was all my fault. She takes no responsibility for it at all, she can't even see most of her own behaviour and actions and if she can she did it because i made her act like that. This is a big difference i think.

[Frankee]

I was feeling better today.  Even felt better after my Counseling. 

My bph started grilling me when I told him there was no charge.  It's because of a federal grant for abuse vicitms.  He said I would of had to say I was an abuse vicitm to get it.  Which I am.  From him and my ex.  I told him it was because of my ex.  But I never told my bph about physical altercations I had with my ex.  He got upset because I could tell a strange but not him.  I wanted to blurt out it's because she's never treated or talked to me the way you have.  I kept it to myself though.

It went back to how I don't ever answer his questions right, how I was dodging the question which was what did I tell them about him.  Is because I got the grant because of him.  How he said something about being careful what I tell these people.  He was scared someone was going to show up an arrest him.  I told him about $hit with me ex which I never wanted to tell him.  He gets angry because I couldn't trust him and how it isn't a big deal.

He may not claim to remember the cruel things he said when first starting his meds, but I think he remembers some.  He said really horrible about me doing things with my ex.  Told me I helped him escape the law and said some pretty graphic stuff that it's probably to explicit even for here.

It may be a trigger.  But how do you not get triggered when a loved one tells you that you want to get back with your way who molested his daughter and family trip was I so I could go back and #*-¢ him.  Among other really just unbelievable cruel.  Then just now tells me that maybe I got to see some of his true feelings.

I am trying to take my part of blame, but this.  I am not going to accept this $hit he is trying put on me.

[Frankee]

Grilling me.  Pressing me for details or an omission of something $hitty I said about him.  How he never talks bad about me in his aeasions which I bet is a load of ©rap.