It's been a long time...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey all! I haven't posted in quite a while. My time has been spent trying to rebuild some broken relationships, setting and enforcing boundaries with my bfwBPD and taking more care of myself. I have joined a gym, been on vacation with my kids (23 & 25) -that was wonderful after a long period of tumult!-and trying to act rather than react to bf. I was reading some other posts and Pianodood said something that resonated with me

Instead of being 100% reactive to her cycle, I became 50% reactive and 50% self-preserving.  It didn't make the discard and ultimate no contact and detachment any easier
Self preservation became my new primary goal... .I stopped trying to placate and explain.
I had been the queen of JADE-ing and it has taken a lot of work, but I am doing that less often.

Right now my bf is at the lowest of lows. He is in financial trouble and has taken on Uber driving. I am happy he is working towards getting out of his mess.

My current issue, and why I am reaching out, is that I AM so much stronger now. Yet he still persists in trying to make me feel like:

A-It's all my fault

I own a house and we talked about moving in together. My son had to move back home with his dog and the dogs-my bf has one too- do not get along. Moving in has been put on hold

B-I am selfish

He repeatedly tells me I should be acting like we DO live together and thereby should be at his (rented) house when he gets home so we can be together. Keep in mind this is late at night so I would be sleeping when he gets home. I stay with him on nights I don't go to gym. and if my daughter who lives out of state visits, I stay home. This is a major problem.

I have provided meals for his 3 kids 21,17,16-when he has visitation. I have watched his dog when his own kids wouldn't. I have accepted that our life is nothing like what it was before these troubles hit. We no longer go out at all. I have offered to take him out to change the scenery but these occasions have fallen flat. He is always brooding and negative.

C-I am not respectful

this accusation comes from me taking down his dog's crate in my kitchen when my son came home. I didn't want 2 large crates and he couldn't bring his dog over due to my dog.
He feels I tossed him to the side and should have told my son that he is on his own.
Bf refused to come to my home since May, and has disparaged everything I say or do regarding my house.
Yet he wants to move in with me to cut down on his bills. He gets angry when I buck him but honestly I made the mistake too many times in the past of placating him and smoothing things over. I finally have gotten to the point where I do remind myself of my own worth. I know what he says isn't true, but it really hurts me.

So as I go on and on I guess I am looking for any support, comment, criticism so I can keep it real and keep my sanity. I do not want to go backwards. I really want to stay calm, respectful and empathetic to keep the dialogue productive. I'm just feeling a bit weak and bullied now

[allienoah]

Hey all! I haven't posted in quite a while. My time has been spent trying to rebuild some broken relationships, setting and enforcing boundaries with my bfwBPD and taking more care of myself. I have joined a gym, been on vacation with my kids (23 & 25) -that was wonderful after a long period of tumult!-and trying to act rather than react to bf. I was reading some other posts and Pianodood said something that resonated with me

Instead of being 100% reactive to her cycle, I became 50% reactive and 50% self-preserving.  It didn't make the discard and ultimate no contact and detachment any easier
Self preservation became my new primary goal... .I stopped trying to placate and explain.
I had been the queen of JADE-ing and it has taken a lot of work, but I am doing that less often.

Right now my bf is at the lowest of lows. He is in financial trouble and has taken on Uber driving. I am happy he is working towards getting out of his mess.

My current issue, and why I am reaching out, is that I AM so much stronger now. Yet he still persists in trying to make me feel like:

A-It's all my fault

I own a house and we talked about moving in together. My son had to move back home with his dog and the dogs-my bf has one too- do not get along. Moving in has been put on hold

B-I am selfish

He repeatedly tells me I should be acting like we DO live together and thereby should be at his (rented) house when he gets home so we can be together. Keep in mind this is late at night so I would be sleeping when he gets home. I stay with him on nights I don't go to gym. and if my daughter who lives out of state visits, I stay home. This is a major problem.

I have provided meals for his 3 kids 21,17,16-when he has visitation. I have watched his dog when his own kids wouldn't. I have accepted that our life is nothing like what it was before these troubles hit. We no longer go out at all. I have offered to take him out to change the scenery but these occasions have fallen flat. He is always brooding and negative.

C-I am not respectful

this accusation comes from me taking down his dog's crate in my kitchen when my son came home. I didn't want 2 large crates and he couldn't bring his dog over due to my dog.
He feels I tossed him to the side and should have told my son that he is on his own.
Bf refused to come to my home since May, and has disparaged everything I say or do regarding my house.
Yet he wants to move in with me to cut down on his bills. He gets angry when I buck him but honestly I made the mistake too many times in the past of placating him and smoothing things over. I finally have gotten to the point where I do remind myself of my own worth. I know what he says isn't true, but it really hurts me.

So as I go on and on I guess I am looking for any support, comment, criticism so I can keep it real and keep my sanity. I do not want to go backwards. I really want to stay calm, respectful and empathetic to keep the dialogue productive. I'm just feeling a bit weak and bullied now

[formflier]

  I really want to stay calm, respectful and empathetic to keep the dialogue productive. I'm just feeling a bit weak and bullied now

   

Sorry you are feeling in tough spot. 

Could you give an example of him refusing to come over... and demanding YOU come over. 

Some he said she said and then who did what.

From reading your story... .my guess is he is "getting something" from this out of your action/reaction.  My guess is that if you were nonchalant and did your thing, regardless of him coming over or not... .the dynamic would change.

Think I'm close?  (I may not be... an initial impression)

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Your life is getting better and you are less reactive and more proactive, but your BF is depressed and climbing out of financial distress. He's trying to rain on your parade by blaming you, accusing you of being selfish and disrespectful.

There's been bumps in the road about plans to move in together, which are no fault of yours and he expects you to be at his place, even though your schedules don't mesh. You've fed his kids and watched his dog, but he doesn't seem to be aware of the good things you do for him.

He seems to want to control what goes on at your house, but doesn't want to visit you there, but then wants to move in with you to save money.

All that negativity is painful to hear, but you know it's not true and you value yourself.    You want to stay open and centered, but you're feeling bullied right now.

Well, you are getting bullied and that's not acceptable.   

How do you see yourself asserting your right to be treated respectfully?

[allienoah]

Formflier-
There is an awful lot of he said/she said. Sometimes I think I am going crazy! He simply refuses to come to my home. He uses care of his dog as an excuse. Because my son's dog and bf's dog don't get along, bf refuses to visit without his dog! I ascertain that his son can watch his dog when bf visits. No good. So if I am going to spend time with bf, it has to be at his place.

Honestly if I am nonchalant, he escalates. I know that is not my problem and I have gotten much better at ignoring his theatrics.
I have been very honest and firm telling him that I will not accept his speaking to me as he does when he rages.
and then I do my own thing.
Guilt is something I am feeling as I move forward. I can see myself finally calling an end to this -but he is in such a low state that I feel horrible.

[formflier]

I wonder if it's time to lay a few things out there for him... and let him have theatrics... or not.

Express to him that you want a "more full" relationship with him and that includes you sharing his life at his home and him sharing your life at your home. 

Express disappointment that he has not chosen to come over.  Express that you are perplexed and need to sort things out a bit. (yes... intentionally vague)

Then plan a BBQ... .invite him over... .and YOU enjoy a BBQ at your house... .if he chooses to come... great.  If not... .enjoy your BBQ.

If he comes over... thank him... enjoy his company.

What do you think?

FF

[allienoah]

Thank you-I think planning something and inviting him over is a good idea. What I really need to do overall is communicate to him that I need a break. I feel that his behavior while he is in this down condition is sucking the life out of me. Even though I haven't seen him this week, I find myself wanting to pull back even more. Yet I don't want to cause him to feel I am abandoning him in his time of extreme need. It is a tough situation, as the more he professes to need me the more I want to go in the opposite direction. Deep down I don't trust that when I start giving, that he won't keep raising the bar higher and higher again-as he has done so many other times.

[formflier]

What I really need to do overall is communicate to him that I need a break. 

Perhaps... .take a break from "his stuff".  Invite him to "your stuff".  He may not come.  He may.

Either way you get a break.

FF