co parenting/parallel parenting with no plan?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So... .make a list of the "behaviors" that really "suck the life out of you" or "exhaust" you.

Even better if you can "rank" those.

I'm not suggesting that if you "fix" or "avoid" those behaviors you should stay (or go).  What I am suggesting is that until you get some distance from those behaviors, it's going to be hard to think clearly about your future.

Big picture.  If she wants something from you "parenting plan"... .have her submit it to you.  Keep tossing the work back at her... vice doing it for her. 

Thoughts?

FF

The problem is she doesn't want anything like that from me.  What she wants is to just continue as we are where she has virtually no responsibility (no financial responsibility at all).  She is free to do whatever she wants.  As I may have stated a few days ago, she wants the arrangement where we are basically room mates except she doesn't contribute to any expenses and she has final say on anything regarding the children and in the position I am in, there is little I can do about it.  The lawyer verified that yesterday.  It really sucks to live in this State!

WC

[Woodchuck]

So... .make a list of the "behaviors" that really "suck the life out of you" or "exhaust" you.

Even better if you can "rank" those.

I'm not suggesting that if you "fix" or "avoid" those behaviors you should stay (or go).  What I am suggesting is that until you get some distance from those behaviors, it's going to be hard to think clearly about your future.

Big picture.  If she wants something from you "parenting plan"... .have her submit it to you.  Keep tossing the work back at her... vice doing it for her. 

Thoughts?

FF

The problem is she doesn't want anything like that from me.  What she wants is to just continue as we are where she has virtually no responsibility (no financial responsibility at all).  She is free to do whatever she wants.  As I may have stated a few days ago, she wants the arrangement where we are basically room mates except she doesn't contribute to any expenses and she has final say on anything regarding the children and in the position I am in, there is little I can do about it.  The lawyer verified that yesterday.  It really sucks to live in this State!

WC

[formflier]

OK... .how does her wanting nothing from you exhaust you?

Focus on that part... .what is is that "wears you out"?


FF

[Woodchuck]

OK... .how does her wanting nothing from you exhaust you?

Focus on that part... .what is is that "wears you out"?


FF

I guess no forward progress is the easiest way to put it.  As the saying goes, 'Either  or get off the pot'.  We have been sitting on this pot for at least 14 years and NOTHING has gotten better.  Hind sight is 20/20 and I should have left a LONG time ago.  The now is that I can't due to how things are financially and she knows that and is taking 100% advantage of that.  She hates living with me but enjoys the 'free ride' and I guess sees that staying is worth not having to pay for anything.  I guess 'used' may be a good way to put it.

WC

[formflier]

So... .if the free ride is what is bugging you.


Take a detailed look at your budget... .are you in any way funding stuff for her, that isn't shared by others.

For instance... .pretty hard to "make" her pay part of electricity.  But... cell phone... .you can easily "snip" that out of budget.

A big bag of cheerios is hard to make her pay for, yet if you are buying her favorite snack foods... .you can stop.

Do you get where I'm going here?

She can pay her gas, car insurance and repairs.   Heck... she even pays for your paint job. 

All of this is a very "boundaried" view of things.

If she wants to "run" the kids lives... .I'm assuming that means she funds it as well... right?

FF

[Woodchuck]

So... .if the free ride is what is bugging you.


Take a detailed look at your budget... .are you in any way funding stuff for her, that isn't shared by others.

For instance... .pretty hard to "make" her pay part of electricity.  But... cell phone... .you can easily "snip" that out of budget.

A big bag of cheerios is hard to make her pay for, yet if you are buying her favorite snack foods... .you can stop.

Do you get where I'm going here?

She can pay her gas, car insurance and repairs.   Heck... she even pays for your paint job. 

All of this is a very "boundaried" view of things.

If she wants to "run" the kids lives... .I'm assuming that means she funds it as well... right?

FF

I get exactly where you are going.  I have stopped funding her in many ways.  There are no longer funds in the shared account that she has a card for.  I don't buy things (food) specifically for her but she does help herself to anything I buy.  She has told me to cancel her cellphone as she "didn't ask for it" but I have a hard time resolving that in my head.  The same things goes for other things like insurance.  I paid for her last oil change and state inspection/registration but drew the line at fixing her AC.  I have a hard time with feeling like I am doing things out of spite.  It is difficult to resolve what is 'right' and 'not right'.  I don't know if that makes any sense.  I have set boundaries in place over the last several months, I have just not been able to find 'peace' about expanding those boundaries.

WC

WC

[GaGrl]

What is the WORST that could happen should you completely separate your finanaces? Or... .establish his/her/household accounts?

Does she need a wake-up call on what supporting her own household entail?

[Woodchuck]

What is the WORST that could happen should you completely separate your finanaces? Or... .establish his/her/household accounts?

Does she need a wake-up call on what supporting her own household entail?

They are pretty much as separated as much as can be. The only thing that I have any real control over is her cellphone.  I cannot remove her from car insurance without her consent and everything else is in my name. She has stated that she WILL NOT contribute financially unless she has full control of everything.  She has no incentive to help out financially as everything is in my name.   Everything was put in my name for tax purposes and now is really coming back to bite me.  It really seems like the perfect storm with the wind in her favor. 

WC

[livednlearned]

What does a lawyer say about the $60-80K she may have saved up in her name?

[AnuDay]

Please pray for Woodchuck. 
This is such a messy situation.  I've heard worse on here, but this is bad.  You truly do seem to be between a rock and a hard place.  For the next 12 months just make sure you keep your hands clean and prepare to do what you have to do.  Get everything sorted out and organized, collect your evidence. 

[kells76]

Please pray for Woodchuck

Will do

Woodchuck, if I'm tracking with your posts, it sounds like you have a strong, positive relationship with your kids. That's something really valuable. I know that money-wise and spouse-wise things are hard. Even while that's going on, I want to encourage you to stay an involved, caring dad. Your kids are very blessed to have you -- don't lose sight of that, no matter what your W says.

I say this having watched SD12's relationship with DH over the last 6 years move from "You're not my family" to spending a night here on Mom's weekend. The dad bond is a big deal, and you are very important to your kids.

Sorry things are rough for you right now. We're here for you;

kells76

[Woodchuck]

livednlearned-
The lawyer said that is community property and would be part of an agreement.  At this point, I could really care less about any money.  As I told the lawyer, though it is probably crazy, I would be willing to sign just about anything over to her if it meant I could have peace.

Anuday/Kells-
Thank you for the prayers!  It does give me strength to know that others are praying for the situation.  I am doing everything I can to be there for my kids and I think that I have a great relationship with both of them and don't intend on giving up any of that.

WC

[livednlearned]

As I told the lawyer, though it is probably crazy, I would be willing to sign just about anything over to her if it meant I could have peace.

You know that signing anything over to her will bring you no peace, right?

[formflier]

 Can you define "peace"?

What would that look like with you two under the same roof?

What would that look like with you two under different roofs?

FF

[Woodchuck]

I guess I should have been a little more detailed on what peace was/is for me.  Signing anything over would also entail her exiting the relationship which I believe would bring some semblance of peace.  I know full well that just signing anything over to her without her leaving would do nothing but cause more frustration.  Signing anything over would be part of a divorce/separation agreement, not just as a way to pacify her.

WC

[livednlearned]

The best gift you can give yourself at this stage of deliberation is to practice taking care of yourself even if it upsets the apple cart.

That is how you create peace for yourself. It demonstrates to other people how you expect to be treated.

We all think that appeasing is going to bring peace. As odd as it sounds, what brings peace is to focus on yourself. There will be initial conflict and a ton of grousing, but it can be downright exhilarating to put yourself first after years of coming dead last. That strength can snowball and become relative peace, whether you stay or not.

I gave my ex the house. Just gave it to him.

It took me four trips to court and thousands of dollars in lawyer fees, both a family law and real estate attorney, to give it to him. It ended up costing me money to give the house away. Ex fought me every step of the way because having no one to fight with was worse than winning.

I thought it would appease him and it only taught him I let people put boots on my head.

Sometimes these lessons are very expensive.  

[ForeverDad]

And how you feel now — just take it all and let me have some peace! — is not how you will feel in 5 years.  You'll be astounded that you felt so weak way back when.  Fortunately you know Gifting her everything will just entice her to demand even more and is not a solution.

[Panda39]

Fortunately you know Gifting her everything will just entice her to demand even more and is not a solution.

ForeverDad is on the money!  She thrives on the conflict and the engagement she gets with you (negative attention is still attention), yes some of it is about what she wants too.  You give it (gift it) to her and then she will want something else to keep feeding the drama.  Focus on what you want and what you need for your kids.  I know the conflict is completely exhausting and living in the same house makes it feel like it will never end, but giving her what she wants will not actually bring any peace.

It's about boundaries, you give in to her demands because you're worn down and she has now learned what it takes to get what she wants and will wear you down and wring you dry. Be vigilant with your boundaries.

I know you're "in it" at the moment but try and keep the future in mind too. You don't want to do something you will regret later.  Hang tough and up the self-care.  This is about your life and your kids.

Panda39
 

[worriedStepmom]

Did your lawyer give you some guidance on what an in-house separation needs to look like to meet the legal definition?  That seems quite tricky to me, and you want to make sure you are definitely demonstrating all of the signs the lawyer wants to see - and not doing any of the things that could make it look like not a separation.

[formflier]

Because kids are involved, there will continue to be a relationship.

The likelihood that she will follow even a court ordered agreement, without drama and lack of peace... .is very low.

I don't want to be a "downer" for you, but I do want to push you towards being deliberate about making your own peace... "upsetting the apple cart" as it may be, vice doing something for or with her as a means to get peace.

Make sense?

Focus on you... vice her.

FF