Only child of an aging BPD mother has me at my wits end

[SleepySusie]

Greetings-

I am a 47 year old woman whose mother with undiagnosed BPD mother is creating havoc with my peace and well being. I am so tired of checking on her daily to listen to her go on an on about how miserable she is. She only focuses on the negative and never the positive. Listening to this daily brings me down. She at this point in her life only has me and my family, and my uncle and his spouse. She is driving us all away with her behavior I have been seeing a therapist once a month to help me deal with her, but I feel I am not making any progression forward. I feel I am in the same cycle over and over with my mother. My therapist states that I keep hoping that my mom will be different, and that I need to accept who she is.  She always tell me to expect the worst with her, and be pleasantly surprised if she acts in a positive way. I am so tired of her narcissistic ways. I don't remember a bad childhood with her, and my first memories something was wrong with her was when I was in my early teens. My therapist said this was because I was growing up and developing my own thoughts and opinions which let me see her BPD ways, since I no longer was her adoring child who agreed and did everything her way. I walk around with extreme guilt because I do everything I can from spending time with her, but as soon as I am around her I want to jump out of my skin.  I could go on and on but I won't ... .LOL!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi SleepySusie, 

Welcome! Thank you for sharing your first post with us and allowing us to be a part of your journey. We get it here, truly we do.

My uBPDm was also a victim and she could never be talked out of that mode. I was able to have limited (or low) contact (LC) with her which helped me to survive. Nevertheless I cringed when it was time to speak with her. We are all right there with you.

I think we each need a certain measure of hope in order to keep going with our pwBPD. Here on the boards we do our best to shift the focus from our BPD person to us, you and me and the others here. From what you are saying, I know that the weariness goes beyond bone deep, even to your soul, and it's time for a bit of rest for you. 

With that thought in mind, what ideas do you have that might allow some rest for you? Have you considered if you could lengthen your everyday checking on her to be every other day, or even 2 days a week? If you let her know that you will check on her on those days and refuse contact the others (respond via text to say you are busy and will call her on x day), might that work for you? It sound's as if there are a couple family members who might help out, and you can coordinate your days with them.

What do you think of an idea like this?

 
Wools

[SleepySusie]

Thanks for your reply.  My mother is 76 years old, and had a mild heart attack about two years ago, but still continues to smoke several packs of cigarettes a day, and only goes to a doctor to basically get pain pills.  After saying all this I feel it is a good idea if someone checks on her every day to make sure she is ok, and my uncle may  talk to her once a week unless she is fighting with him.  After saying this I do now take breaks for days at a time when she is extremely hateful or miserable on the phone several days in a row, which I have never done in the past. Things are starting to wear on me more the older I get. My compassion for her is gone, and sometimes I think my love for her too.  I know I do not like her at all.  Yesterday my husband and I went to check on her because I had not talked to her in a few days, and tried to call two days in a row, along with my 14 year old daughter, my uncle, and my husband. She did not pick up for anyone.  When my husband and I knocked on her door and when she opened the door she started raging. (Funny that happened because she harps on me constantly to come over and spend time with her).  My husband who has no tolerance for her anymore told her to calm down we just wanted to make sure she is ok, and she just started raging with her hatred. My husband shut her door and told me we should go we checked on her and let her be a hateful unhinged old woman by herself. I do try and take care of myself but I have such anxiety that I can not really let go and be at peace. I go to therapy to help deal with her, get monthly massages, spend time with my kids, and etc but knowing I am basically all she has and I have to deal with her eats at me. I have offered to pay to have someone come in every other week, and help with whatever she needs, but declines it and says I am the one who needs the help.  I wish I could!  But she still continues to call me to run errands because she is so sick. I work full time and have two kids 12 and 14. She does not respect I am very busy.  She has no friends, as she explained since she is on a very fixed income she can not have friends. You need money for friends to go out.  Whatever- always an excuse. She has written off my uncle and cousin when her sister died which sickens me because my aunt was so good to my mom her entire life, and my mom writes off her daughter completely.  After this last episode yesterday I told my uncle I am not calling or checking on her anymore.  He just doesn't realize this is a true mental illness, and he just hopes when neither one of us calls her anymore, she will snap out of it and then we will calmly tell her we want a relationship with her but she needs to be nice and respectful . She is not a rational person.  I told my uncle she is so miserable in this life I hope when she does pass away that she is able to find peace and happiness in the next one.

[Woolspinner2000]

Here is a link that talks about the subject of Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG). We all struggle with feeling guilty. It is a common part of growing up with a pwBPD.

I'm sorry that it is so hard for you. You have a lot to deal with!

 
Wools

[Turkish]

I know you're her daughter,  but your uncle is her brother and has known her for decades money than you.  I'm glad that you asserted that boundary with her and communicated it to him. 

Do you think things might be better with a once a week check in,  for you,  I'm thinking.  She sounds like she's playing The Waif, "rescue me!" While she exhibits anger on those who try.  Tough and hurtful place to be for you and your family.