Separated — How much info should I share with others?

[Caco Canepa]

I recently separated from my uBPD wife (almost 4 years married). The whole last year of the relationship was turbulent and awful, and it culminated with me calling the police on a night in which she started throwing things and hitting me. Because of the way North Carolina domestic violence laws are written, I (the male) was arrested and spent the night in jail, and had to face assault charges that were eventually dropped, thank goodness. That night was a wake-up call that I needed to leave the relationship. It was scary and humiliating, and I was put into a squad car handcuffed, where neighbors could see it.

Since leaving, I've felt mostly better. Being away from her constant demeaning/devaluing behavior and contempt has been a godsend. Close friends and family have been supportive and loving, and I am truly grateful. I know I have a lot of trauma to process regarding this relationship. And the details of the separation agreement and child custody are going to be expensive and emotionally draining, and we're going to have to co-parent our D2 for the rest of our lives.

I'm struggling now with how much to tell people about the situation. Many friends don't know that we're apart yet, and we've kept our social media feeds pretty normal/neutral looking. My wife has been posting all of her home improvement projects with a #momsolo tag and getting all sorts of "you go girl!" feedback from her friends who do know about the breakup. I'm certain that she is feeding her circle of friends a narrative in which I am all of the things that she's called me — boring, a stick in the mud, a jerk, an abuser, a gaslighter, a deadbeat, a loser. I feel irritated to think that a false image of me is being projected to the world, and to our neighbors, and former mutual friends. And that she's portraying herself as some sort of "strong single mother" who's overcoming adversity. (I share in the daily keeping and raising of our daughter).

I've shared varying degrees of my situation with very good, close friends and family. Of those I've told, all of them know about her private rage behaviors. A small handful know about my false arrest and charges. Sharing that with them and my counselor has been therapeutic.

On a basic level, I know that "taking the high road" would probably be my best policy. I don't know for sure that she is badmouthing me to others, but in our private conversations she continues to call me every name under the book, probably with the aim of hurting me. ("Deadbeat", "selfish" etc. seem to sting me the worst.) And conventional wisdom would have it that I should just hold my head up, not let myself get affected by what she says/does, let my lawyer do my talking and negotiating, take care of myself and let the chips fall where they may.

But on another level, I wonder if it's hurting me to not reveal to the world — that is, our neighbors, our shared friends, her close friends — her behaviors in private that precipitated our split. If I go about and don't speak my own experience, does that allow her narrative about me to become the truth? I'm talking about matters both emotional and practical: Will that hurt me legally down the line if we go to court? Should I protect my reputation? Should I be concerned that something from this might come up in some bogus #metoo accusation years from now?

I sometimes feel still cowed into silence, even though I moved out so I'd be free to be myself.

Any insight or advice is welcome.

[Enabler]

Hey Caco Caespa,

Sounds like you have had a very rough time and although I'd like to say it's going to be smooth sailing from here, you and I both know the likelyhood of that is pretty low.

Your gut feeling about taking the moral high ground is spot on in my opinion. I like the phrase "don't roll with pigs, you get muddy and besides, they love it." Your friends and family will see her comments for what they are, and you can discuss your private details in private with key important people, or people who ask with good intent (not gossipers). Correcting her narrative is likely pointless and besides, in the long run it is likely to be more damaging to her than you in the long run. Smarter people will eventually see through her victimhood and start to question her motivations. The rest were likely not worth knowing in the first place.

I have tried to correct the narrative with her family and local community and every single time it has backfired. People believe what they want to believe, for many it feeds their desire for drama believing the drama queen.

Keep a detailed record of her slander and use it as and when necessary in court or mediation where it could have a material impact. Ultimately I think my general message is that you and her have likely been doing an emotional dance together with you adopting her emotional highs and lows. You aim (which you can see that you are achieving) is to emotionally detach from her rollercoaster chaos. Part of this detachment is to not feel the compunction to react to her slander. The results of this detachment will be 3 fold... .1) you will be emotionally stable with much less stress and anxiety, you will think with clarity and make EXCELLENT choices 2) Your wife's chaotic thoughts and emotions will be considerably more visible to HER since she will be more emotionally isolated 3) Her thought and emotional chaos will be more visible to others (including authorities and courts), likewise, your lack of chaotic thoughts and emotions will be more visible.

This isn't easy and frankly her slander could make you furious. BUT, try not to react... .quietly collate evidence and data, let her shoot herself in the foot.

My only caveat would be accusations which could result in criminal proceedings such as child or domestic abuse. In this incidence I would take legal advice on how to respond.

[ForeverDad]

I had a hard time not gravitating to some comment about my imploded marriage to others in just about any conversation.  I know that's not your main question, but something to keep in mind.  If you're always drifting back to the topic of ex, failed marriage, continuing conflict, etc then you need to devise some better approaches to keep at least some conversations clear of those matters.

Be aware that your ex is probably very convincing to the unwary or gullible, a master after years of Blaming and Blame Shifting.  So some of your mutual friends may side with her, not much you can do about that other than to allow time to prove what the facts are.  Realize that your friends are the ones you can trust.  It gives added meaning to the phrase "trusted friends".

At some point you may feel inclined to date again.  First give yourself time to recover your balance, rebound relationships often get doomed by including ruminations of the past or ongoing conflicts that have not yet been emotionally Let Go.

[Caco Canepa]

Thanks, Enabler and Forever Dad.    It's been useful to hear the validation that I need to disengage further from her, inasmuch as she is still able to influence my emotional state at times.

I have to remind myself that, three months into a separation is still a very short time, even though it has seemed that time has dragged. There's still a lot of uncertainty, and I'd like to get past it. But I'm also aware that, while we're negotiating the separation agreement, it's in my best interest to not rock her boat and do something that would antagonize her or give her reason to blow up the negotiations.

************

So on a similar matter — It's starting to get to the point where I'm starting to tell people outside of our close circle that we've split up. (We haven't made a big "Announcement", but increasingly, I'm starting to run into people around town who are asking about my wife and kid, and wondering where they are, and I've decided to tell them "E and I split back in May.") I hear the "Oh, I'm so sorry. Your facebook posts look like you're so happy."

And of course there's different degrees of closeness with different friends. I want to accept the sympathy, to tell them "Yeah, thanks, it's been hard."  Which seems like a fine place to stop. And then I want to add:  "But it's much better apart."  Which seems a bit pushing it.  And then continue on to "E was emotionally and physically abusive and I couldn't stick around for that treatment anymore"... .(I DON'T SAY IT ALL THE TIME!) at which point, I'm wondering if I'm crossing the line into slander or gossip myself.

Sometimes I think I'm keeping it all together pretty well. And other times, I feel like an open wound that's walking into peoples' living rooms and bleeding all over their rugs and furniture. And every once in a while, I hear myself talk about the relationship and the trauma, and find myself getting tired of reliving it each time.

Is it just a normal part of the process? I'm starting to guess that I should keep a tight lip, and save it all for the therapist and for this group. Sorry if I'm rambling... .I think the answers are starting to pop up and become clear to me as I write.

[Enabler]

It’s good to get it out when people want to listen. That said, a bit like a death of a very close relative, people care initially and then feel a bit uncomfortable with you not snapping out of it and moving on. Your ability to “snap out of it” is going to be significantly less than their desire for you to be happy so there’s a good chance you might need to put a brave face on things.

Certainly in the short term I strongly recommend saying something like “it’s very very very complicated” for your 3rd level discussions. I’m sure she won’t be doing this but certainly whilst the divorce goes through this could be you keeping stuff locked down. If someone then pushes you then maybe “I could not longer accept the level of abuse i was receiving from her”.

[david]

My ex kicked our oldest out of her place one evening during a rage. This was back in 2010. She called and left a voicemail of what she was doing. I picked him up. He was 10, shoulders hunched,a bag on each side of him by the curb, and sobbing. I got out of the car and held him to calm him down a little before getting him in the car. Ex, we were still married at the time, came out and started blaming, yelling, etc, at me. I had my back towards her to talk to our son who was in the car at the time. When I turned around she was on the ground saying she got me now. I went to the police to report it. WRONG. They arrested me. I was later tried for assault. I was found guilty of disorderly conduct and put in jail for two weeks. Lost my teaching job for 5 years. When I got out of jail I purchased a video recorder and a small audio recorder. I never am near her without them.

I told some of my closest friends what was going on. Some actually didn't believe me and started to distance themselves. One had another friend that had an ex that also had BPD. When he heard his stories and how closely they matched mine he called me to get together. He apologized and told me my stories sounded too far fetched to be believable. I actually agreed with him an=d told him I did not in any way embellish my stories.

Occasionally I bump into people that know both of us and picked her side. Some come up to me to tell me ex is not right. I listen and usually say something like we are no longer married and I really don't know what she is up to.

Another thing, the facebook account makes it look like everything is great. When people find out what is actually happening and realize you are not the one on facebook they may figure things out.

My ex did the facebook thing for a while and never realized I was able to see it. Back then she literally emptied our house and posted pictures of her apartment with all the things from our house. I printed all the pictures out. later she filed a homeowners claim saying I stole everything out of the house and tried to make it look like she did it. Since we were both on the homeowners I received a rejection for the claim basically saying you can not rob yourself and then make a claim. I had to read it three times before it sank in. I laughed so hard I had tears rolling from my eyes. During equitable distribution she again claimed I stole everything. She wrote out, in her handwriting, four pages of things with valuations. It totaled 1.2 million dollars. In reality the things were no more then $30,000. I had the pictures proving she indeed had possession of the majority of what she hand wrote. I agreed with her valuation and simply wanted my half in cash. My attorney loved that idea. During the conference my attorney showed her attorney a few of the pictures. We settled in about 20 minutes after that.

I learned the less information my ex had the better I did in court so I was cautious with who I shared information with...

[Turkish]

People will believe what they will due to the information they see as well as to their preconceptions. You've shared with those closest to you,  and that counts for a lot.

The whole Waif Act ("life is so hard but I'm powering through!") schtick is certainly maddening but trying to correct that may make you look worse and validate her feelings about you. 

I used to work with a likely pwBPD. I found her years later on a social media site writing poetry about being in an abusive r/s. She received validating support. None of those people knew that she was a dangerous person.  She had pulled a butcher knife on her husband and was cited.  She assaulted the subsequent bf and ended up in the county psych ward on a 5150. Who knows what went on after that. 

Stay safe.

[Caco Canepa]

Thanks, Enabler! This has been very helpful in putting together a plan. I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to bore myself with the story.

So here's the scary part... . this relationship drama has been my story for so long, that sometimes I'm uncertain what else I have to talk about. This might be where I have to really dig in and do some work on how to get back what the trauma has hollowed out from me.

[livednlearned]

You're in the right place to ramble.

Many of us ignored the warning signs and had to wait for the full tornado to flatten our house before we realized it was time to pack our bags.  

It can take a while to sort out your head after going through a BPD relationship, but it can be done and one day you will be able to measure how much you've learned and healed. Hang in there and be kind to yourself. You deserve to feel the way you feel right now and are moving through things at the right pace for you. She's been mean to you for a long time so no need to help her.

And yes, three months to recover is not a long time. I remember reading that it takes one month for each year of the relationship to recover in "normal" relationships, and double that for high-conflict relationships. My marriage was 10 years and I was surprised how it was roughly accurate -- 2 years after separation I was in a really good place, all things considering.

Your healing might be complicated by the affront of going to jail. How awful that you were assaulted, called the police, only to be the one thrown in jail. I remember seeing a decision-tree for how DV calls are handled in different states. I've never heard of one where the person who calls get tossed in jail.

A lot of them seem to say that the largest person will be removed, which more likely than not will be the male. There is a lot of ignorance in the family court system about male survivors of DV, and I'm sorry you were a victim of that. It's no wonder that you want people in your friend groups to know what happened. You were invalidated in the most extreme way, a second injury that probably lasts a lot longer than one night in jail.

Your question about how to talk to people is really two questions. One is about getting support for yourself. I found people were not well-equipped to help process a BPD relationship. People with BPD are not just difficult people, they are the most difficult, and few friends have skills to handle the kinds of behaviors we are up against. Friends are wonderful at getting you out of the house, doing healthy things with you, listening to the bullet points of what you're going through, offering practical advice. When it comes to making sense of what happened and mourning your unmet needs, that's therapist terrain.

You can really burn through people if you lean too hard on them for BPD processing. "Hey, I have to get out of the house and get my head in a good place. Want to go for a hike this weekend?" is better than "I can't believe she did this. How am I supposed to move on?" The first one tells them you're still struggling but have a plan, and want them to be included because they matter. The second one says you are still struggling, and are at a loss for how to move forward. That puts too much burden on them, in my experience. People want to help and if they feel at a loss, they may start to retreat from you.

But that is different than setting the record straight. I think you have a right to explain your side. You can't control what they do with that information, but at least they have a version of your side. It's how you present that side that matters. The key is to put yourself in their shoes. They don't want to hear how awful your ex is as a counter argument to how awful you are (if they do, then who cares what they think and maybe it's time to move on).

People care about you, but they care about themselves a little more. So help them figure out what they're supposed to do when your ex puts them in this awkward position of hearing your dirty laundry. "I hope you don't get put in the middle. If you do, and you're uncomfortable with what you're hearing, and have questions or don't know what to make of it, please know you can come to me and I'll do my best to clear up what I can. My goal is to focus on what's best for D2 and make sure she is loved, and to try and get through this next rough patch with as minimum trauma as possible."

Help people help you by telling them what you need from them. "Here's how you can help. I may wallow and that's not healthy. I'm trying to get out of the house and get back to doing things I love. You want to get together and do _______ with me? If I start talking about x, give me the _ sign."

If you have something going on that is high-conflict and needs to be shared so people understand what you're going through, tell them something like, "I have a team of advisors helping me -- lawyer, therapist, school counselor, child psychologist, so I'm covered on those fronts. I'm telling you what's going on because I want you to understand I may seem a little distracted, but I'm in good hands. What I really need is a change of scenery -- how about meeting on day/date to go do ________."

What you're really doing is setting boundaries for yourself so that other people aren't wandering around in the woods with you.

Also, on a separate note... .North Carolina is a one-party consent state. That means you can record her without consent. It may not be allowed in family law court depending on the judge, but other members here found it could be helpful during a DV call, to show the police what happened before they arrived. I found it was useful to hold up my phone with it recording so my ex would stop approaching me or making threats.

Something to think about if you're worried she could file a false charge against you. If you're concerned, you may also want to start keeping receipts and documenting where you are at any given time, in case it helps disprove a claim she makes about what you were doing and when.

[Enabler]

this relationship drama has been my story for so long, that sometimes I'm uncertain what else I have to talk about.

Ohhhhhh yes yes yes yes yes... .and when you start to understand the enigma machine it’s incredibly interesting as well... .but not for people who aren’t in that place (yet).

[Caco Canepa]

THank you liveandlearned  -- that is a really astute breakdown that I hasn't thought of before: being clear about the two purposes for which I'm wanting to communicate.

This has been a very helpful thread for me, and I feel the pressure valve for this particular issue has been eased a bit. Thank you all.

Caco Canepa