How FF deals with anxiety (general dealing with anxiety post)

[formflier]

Hey everyone.

I got asked via PM how I deal with my anxiety.  I asked to move the response to the "front boards".  Perhaps I had made a comment about me "dealing with anxiety" in another thread.

Please feel free to ask more questions about specifics of what I do.

Also feel free to ask or discuss your own anxiety and what has worked and hasn't worked for you.  

Quick thing about me.  I'm rated disabled by VA and by social security.  Mostly physical stuff but PTSD is in there as well.  In earlier mental exams where providers (PhD level and psychiatrists) were trying to "rule out" other disorders/issues (which they did... .I "just" have PTSD) they stressed to me that I have a very strong connection of mental to physical and physical to mental.  

So... PTSD flares up and joint pain goes up... a lot.  The converse also happens, I exacerbate my back issues and my mental issues flare up... a lot.

It makes sense this happens to some extent in everyone, they stressed to me it was pronounced in "my presentation".

So... for me.

1.  Get appropriate sleep.  I have multiple sleep disorders.  If my 7 day average for "therapeutic sleep" is up in the 8 hour range (I have a machine that measures and records this), I like being around myself and other people say that as well (even my wife from time to time).  Once I get an average down around 6... .I can't stand being around myself and I'm sure I have a negative effect on others.  

So... .I organize my life around getting appropriate sleep.  (I could do an entire post on just this, so feel free to ask for more details if that might help you).  I've been "dealing with this" since 2010... .so fairly mature in this process.  I have a doctor that focuses just on my sleep, regular visits to him... etc etc.

2.  Watch my blood pressure.  Many times that is first indication that I am anxious but don't "feel it" yet.  I take my BP 2 x day and put it in an app along with other daily measurements.  

Two things:  I get immediate feedback and can take immediate action if I'm elevated.  I also can look at these graphs and visually see "the spikes".  I then correlate the spikes to events in my life to understand what was pushing up my BP.  Very often I will adjust boundaries to compensate... .going forward... .so that particular stressor doesn't affect me anymore.

For example:  I have "open door" policy that my wife can discuss the "why" of my financial boundaries with her in a session with my P.  When she wants to "get into it" at home... my practiced answer is to open my calendar and ask her for times when we can set an appointment.  If my wife asks me for money in a kind way, I usually work it out with her.

If she threatens or demands.  Wallet stays closed.

I'm sure she resents it.  I'm 100% positive my anxiety is lower because of this, BP is  big part of my "proof".

3.  Regular physical activity and extra when I'm anxious.  I can't run or doing "pounding" things, but I can swim and I do that a lot.  Going back and forth in the pool is great exercise and gives me time to "think through" whatever issue is bugging me.  Think through for me is not "poor me" but "what action should I take and will I take.

4.  Extended walks where my breathing matches my footsteps.  This sounds like hokum but my P insisted one day when I was triggered and she was talking me down.  It really works.   Context:  I'm triggered and/or see elevated BP.  Perhaps 10-20 minutes of this type of walking will get me to feeling better.

5.  Mindset:  I try to take action and "flip" situations so "the world" (usually my wife) is "reacting" to me... vice me reacting to her.  Obviously I put a lot of effort into have her react to my "healthy" actions... .and I focus on consistency.  There was also a focus on what tools she likes to use and making sure she gets no results from those tools

My nature is I'm a "can do" guy... .and I like action.  The long "bad period" of figuring out BPD went from me doing "wrong things" (out of ignorance) to thinking "i could do nothing" (this made me very anxious) to now where I realize there is a lot I can do, even if my wife doesn't want me to.

Once I realized I could go back to "taking action"... this relieved lots of my anxiety.

6.  Last for now:  Radical Acceptance.  What used to send me spinning off into anxiety land now is usually met with a shrug of "oh... .that again".  I make a conscious effort to spend a minimal amount of energy on her bad behavior and dedicate the rest of my energy to kindness for me.

To many (usually BPDish females in her family) this "looks like" FF is a selfish a$$hole."  Well... here is the thing... .that works for me... .so I embrace it.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I'll add my two cents about anxiety. Fortunately I seldom experience it, but I did just a couple of days ago. Reason being, I'm transforming part of my horse pasture into an arena which necessitated tractor work to move the house water line and the main irrigation line, which feeds sprinkler lines running across the pasture. I spent about 3 hours digging, trying to find one of the irrigation valve boxes. Then I had to give up and hope that the tractor didn't break the lines accidentally the next day. In the past, every line on the property has been broken at least once with tractor work: electrical, water, phone. Fortunately it all worked out, but I had a night of bad sleep, thinking about all that could go wrong.

I woke up at 1 a.m., thinking it was time to get up. Usually if I wake up and have problems getting back to sleep, I can do a breathing exercise which makes me fall asleep within minutes. This is it:

Put your tongue on the roof of your mouth (important, but I don't know why). Inhale through your nose for a count of four. Hold your breath for a count of seven. Exhale through an open mouth for a count of eight. Repeat.

Typically I can't get beyond four or five repetitions without falling asleep. But for some reason, I just didn't want to do this the other night--I wanted to think out all the permutations of what could go wrong instead. So I just allowed myself to do that and then I fell asleep after a while.

This breathing technique can also be used during the day if you feel anxious, but don't do it when driving or doing anything else that could be hazardous. It puts me in a calm, centered state and relaxed state.

[Cat Familiar]

Hey FF,
Can you give specifics about walking where breathing matches your footsteps?

Thanks, Cat

[once removed]

it might sound funny, but one of my big answers would be the communication tools here.

difficult conversations, expressing anger and frustration or being on the receiving end of it, confrontation, that sort of thing, used to spike my anxiety a lot. im a lot more dialed back and more certain of/in what to say.

same thing with saying no when i knew i needed to, and fearing a reaction.

[formflier]

. im a lot more dialed back and more certain of/in what to say.
 

This was huge for me.

Especially to hear senior people here predict an outcome.  I would "do" the boundary or the "tool" and then my wife would act almost exactly as they predicted.

That was HUUUUUUGGGGEEEEE.

FF

[formflier]

Hey FF,
Can you give specifics about walking where breathing matches your footsteps?

Thanks, Cat

I'm likely overthinking it now.  I'll make a point of getting P to explain it again.

What I think it is supposed to be is that every breath is in a rhythm with footsteps.  So... perhaps every right foot or every other right foot is an exhale and same for inhale on the other.

Every step seems way to fast.

The key is that you hold the pace and hold the rhythm... .and then there is a calming effect.

I knew I would screw this up, because I've kinda just "done it" without explaining it, and now I'm overthinking trying to explain it.

I've only had to do it "for real" a few times, but it worked like a champ each time.

Again... I'll verify details with P and get back to you guys.

FF

[GaGrl]

The walking and breathing sounds like a meditation technique. When you focus on your breathing, you have no room in your head for intrusive thoughts - this is the basis of meditation, yoga, etc. By coordinating your inhale/exhale to footsteps, you are automatically focusing on breathing - so it should have a calming effect and lower blood pressure.

[formflier]

Yeah... I wish I could better explain it.

Most things my P has me do... .I eventually get her to give me a really detailed "why" answer.

Well... both our schedules have been busy and focused on other things.  I did her technique... it works... and have never gotten around to a detailed why.

I will...

FF