Wife of 25 Years Divorcing Me After 9 Months Separated

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don’t know what to share here to even begin to explain my pain. I assume and hope that I don’t have to because at least some of you already know.

I only recently (< two weeks) discovered that BPD in my future ex-wife is the explanation for the life I’ve been living. I fit the textbook definition of a caretaker.

When, after 25 years of marriage, I finally admitted that I could no longer live like this, she literally left the country a week later. That was 9 months ago. Now she’s divorcing me - in a vicious search for “justice.”

I have a local support system, a therapist, and friends. What I don’t have is a real sense of who I am, what I want, or what will make me happy.

Who am I when I have no one around to save? How do I find out?

[Igottabeme]

I don’t know what to share here to even begin to explain my pain. I assume and hope that I don’t have to because at least some of you already know.

I only recently (< two weeks) discovered that BPD in my future ex-wife is the explanation for the life I’ve been living. I fit the textbook definition of a caretaker.

When, after 25 years of marriage, I finally admitted that I could no longer live like this, she literally left the country a week later. That was 9 months ago. Now she’s divorcing me - in a vicious search for “justice.”

I have a local support system, a therapist, and friends. What I don’t have is a real sense of who I am, what I want, or what will make me happy.

Who am I when I have no one around to save? How do I find out?

[Baglady]

Hi I,

Welcome to BPD family!  I can relate to your pain and confusion big time.  5 months out from a 21 year marriage, only discovered that my ex had BPD last November (although it explained SO much baffling behavior during our marriage in hindsight) and I'm the world's finest caretaker.  My career is in the allied health field and it provides so much meaning and purpose for me (yep and lots of opportunites for care taking), my son is my life (and he needs lots of care taking), I love to garden (someone's gotta care take those plants) and I just got a cat as part of my healing (who also needs care taking) - do you see my pattern?  It's so central to who I am and my ability to care take seems infinite BUT I don't extend a fraction of this care to myself.  I was a sitting duck for someone like my ex  .   I'm finding it very hard to switch off a pattern of behavior that is so central to my core identity.  Also, until recent events, I kinda prided myself on my ability to take care of those around me - I thought it was one of my more positive traits.  And it is a good trait but only if balanced and obviously not extending the same level of care to myself does indicate that something is off.

Like you, I really don't know who I am after a lifetime of giving and giving and giving.  I have no real answers because I'm in the same boat trying to figure myself out too.  I'm trying to do a lot of things that I don't normally do in an effort to figure out who I am.  I'm also in the baby steps of trying to turn the lens on myself for a change and take care of me for the first time in my life.

Keep checking in - folks here have been a life line for me as most of my IRL people just "don't get BPD".
Warmly,
B

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Igottabeme,

Let me join baglady in welcoming you to the BPD family.  We are a supportive community and there are a lot of resources to be found here.  I was married a very long time before, like you, I decided I couldn’t live like that any longer.  

I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling.  Breaking up is painful, but breaking up with a person with a personality disorder can be especially bewildering.  So very many of us get that and have been where you are now.

Detaching has been a difficult process and  detaching from a long term relationship does not happen overnight.  But, it does get better and we can help you through that process.

There is a book that has been invaluable to me.  It is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist... How to End the Drama and Get on With Your Life. The author addresses many of the concerns you mentioned.

I think it takes time to figure out who you are and what you want.  Give yourself the time and space to do that.  Great that you have a support
system.  

Do you have hobbies or interests?  Sometimes you have to try a variety
of things to find out what you like and don’t like.  It can be an adventure.   You can start with simple things.

Keep posting, and feel free to reply to other posts.  Sometimes it helps to become part of the discussion.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[Mutt]

Hi Igottabeme,  



I think it takes time to figure out who you are and what you want.  Give yourself the time and space to do that.  Great that you have a support
system.  

I'm finding it very hard to switch off a pattern of behavior that is so central to my core identity.

It's a good quality to have I don't think that you can turn off a core trait or if you try to you're not living true to yourself it's going to be a very sad situation. I also suggest the book that Mustbeabetterway mentioned you can find a review of the book   here on the site

You're in the health care field, care taking qualities are good qualities, you need them if you're a doctor, nurse, fireman, policeman etc... .it is how and where you apply those qualities take some of that compassion that you give to others and turn it towards yourself for self compassion I struggled with showing myself compassion for years because I felt guilty I thought that I was being selfish. It's good to do self care and to do it often, you can function better if you're taking care of yourself and you can still give compassion to others.

I have a local support system, a therapist, and friends. What I don’t have is a real sense of who I am, what I want, or what will make me happy.

These are hard questions that take time to sort out, going through a divorce can really shake you to the core and make you question yourself, your life, your direction. You're going through a very difficult life event, these are good questions to ask yourself, it will take time to get answers.

I am glad to hear that you have a system in place for support and I'm glad that you joined us, it helps to talk to others that are in the same situation as you - you're not alone.

Who am I when I have no one around to save? How do I find out?

As I mentioned to Baglady you haven't changed, show yourself self compassion you don't save an adult you save children and animals utilize your qualities in a different way - I'm a caretaker too I use those qualities when I volunteer my time here. Maybe be a volunteer for a cause?