Co-parenting

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm trying to gather more resources for what will be a long journey. 

I didn't realize until recently that BPD was already fully described and officially diagnosable, but for over a decade I've dealt with a spouse who has been textbook in her behavior.  Once I finally came around to the realization I needed to set boundaries and make changes to stop feeding the disorder that led to the end of the marriage (being realized through a very contentious process started by her filing for divorce earlier this summer). 

The biggest issue I'm concerned about is that as we grew apart her campaign shifted to enrolling our daughter as her point of validation.  Unfortunately many of the problematic relationship features that grew between my not-yet-ex-wife and I are now being employed by my daughter.  I can't tell if this is my daughter doing as she is instructed or mirroring an intense exposure to observed habits (my pending-ex-wife long ago started monopolizing the relationship and currently has nearly unlimited access) or if our daughter may also be developing BPD.  Our daughter is certainly acting out BPD features but it is not clear to me how deeply ingrained those are: Nurture or (I hope not) nature or worse both? 

Obviously I need to do things differently to help my daughter and build a permanent relationship with her.  I feel I am gaining a lot more insight and tools on a near-daily basis but it is excruciatingly difficult at this point.  I'm having real challenges engaging my daughter in conversation and relationship (which was a hallmark of her mother's BPD that relied on shutting down then shutting out anything that didn't feed her distortions). 

I'm looking for ways to move away from the all-evil light our daughter seems to see me in at the moment to engage with her so she will have the opportunities she should for her future.  Any sources of advice or practical methods to rebuild when a child seems to have absorbed and embraced a BPD model in their relationship to (at least) the other parent would be appreciated.  Thanks. 

[movingalong]

I'm trying to gather more resources for what will be a long journey. 

I didn't realize until recently that BPD was already fully described and officially diagnosable, but for over a decade I've dealt with a spouse who has been textbook in her behavior.  Once I finally came around to the realization I needed to set boundaries and make changes to stop feeding the disorder that led to the end of the marriage (being realized through a very contentious process started by her filing for divorce earlier this summer). 

The biggest issue I'm concerned about is that as we grew apart her campaign shifted to enrolling our daughter as her point of validation.  Unfortunately many of the problematic relationship features that grew between my not-yet-ex-wife and I are now being employed by my daughter.  I can't tell if this is my daughter doing as she is instructed or mirroring an intense exposure to observed habits (my pending-ex-wife long ago started monopolizing the relationship and currently has nearly unlimited access) or if our daughter may also be developing BPD.  Our daughter is certainly acting out BPD features but it is not clear to me how deeply ingrained those are: Nurture or (I hope not) nature or worse both? 

Obviously I need to do things differently to help my daughter and build a permanent relationship with her.  I feel I am gaining a lot more insight and tools on a near-daily basis but it is excruciatingly difficult at this point.  I'm having real challenges engaging my daughter in conversation and relationship (which was a hallmark of her mother's BPD that relied on shutting down then shutting out anything that didn't feed her distortions). 

I'm looking for ways to move away from the all-evil light our daughter seems to see me in at the moment to engage with her so she will have the opportunities she should for her future.  Any sources of advice or practical methods to rebuild when a child seems to have absorbed and embraced a BPD model in their relationship to (at least) the other parent would be appreciated.  Thanks. 

[livednlearned]

I'm sorry for what you've been through, movingalong. Dealing with BPD is hard enough, and then we encounter the family law court, a blunt instrument if ever there was one.

And now you have to co-parent a daughter who is enmeshed with her BPD mom.

How are you holding up? Do you have a counselor or other support in place?

How old is your daughter?

Can you give us a scenario that you've dealt with? Maybe we can share what we've done in similar situations and see if something translates and helps you in your predicament. Is not talking to you the main problem at the moment?

It sounds like you are already familiar with parental alienation (I read your other post that mentioned the book Coparenting With a Toxic Ex).

If you are a reader and want to get a foothold, there are some excellent resources that made a big difference in my life, both with my own son (father is n/BPD) and my step daughter (now 21) who appears to have BPD traits (BPD mother).

I would add to your reading list Dr. Craig Childress's article on jujitsu parenting -- his article unpacks specific communication skills that can help counter the alienation, or at least help you avoid falling into traps. You can't confront alienation directly. You have to come at it from a different angle, and Childress explains how you do that.

Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak is also essential reading. He does a good job identifying the many different psychological moves that a BPD parent does, and offers specific tips and phrases you can use when your daughter shows signs she is enmeshed or (in his words) brainwashed.

Last, Bill Eddy wrote Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Kids When One Parent Has BPD. You'll be familiar with some of the "flexible thinking, managed emotion, moderate behaviors" that he uses in Splitting, but he describes those behaviors in the context of alienation.

If your daughter is developing BPD or has traits, there are other important books to read. Blaise Aguirre's BPD in Adolescence may be ahead of your daughter's age, but it's still helpful to read. He has a section about the difference between regular teen acting out and BPD. I also recommend I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms, especially the section on asking validating questions. If your daughter is BPD, validating questions will help validate her feelings while putting responsibility on her where it belongs to solve her own problems.

I apologize for the long reading list -- you mentioned books at the beginning of your other post so I took the liberty of assuming that books have helped you. Friends here recommended them to me and of all the books I've read, the ones listed above helped the most.

LnL

[ForeverDad]

You are understandably concerned about your daughter.  It's hard to predict, after all we are remote and anonymous, but in most cases Time Heals Many Wounds.  That is, in time it should get better.  It's likely she is suffering with "BPD Fleas", behaviors and attitudes influenced and fed by your stbEx.  Once the 'fleas' are reduced, then it should get better.  We have communication techniques and time-tested strategies than can assist you in reaching your goals.

Another task is that you should get as much parenting as possible.  The more time with you, the more you can counteract the influence and programming by her mother.  Clearly, the 'standard dad' alternate weekends and an evening in between will still leave mother feeling entitled and in control.  I saw in your other post you are aware that a Custody Evaluation — by a reputable and experienced evaluator — will help you immensely in your parenting goals.

What age range is your daughter?  I too was blocked from my son, bare four at the time, for three months when between temp orders (first was for protection petitions, second was for the divorce case) and all the magistrate said was "I'll fix that."  His fix was to reinstate alternate weekends for me.  No make-up time for me.  No consequences for her.  (That was such a hurdle for me to comprehend, I knew I would face consequences if I made the smallest mistake but that anything she did and however outrageous she would get a virtual pass.)

[movingalong]

Thanks for the help and resources here.  I've not been able to follow up on the board but will now look at those.  

There are many common threads to the experience and what I've learned and absorbed has helped me grasp the terrain, though it is a constant battle.  

The courts and system here are very heavily tilted toward the mother and there have been almost no consequences to anything she's done (tongue lashings from the bench of course do not have any impact on behavior).  They all note her damaging behavior and influence but leave our daughter pretty much entirely under her control.  

It appears that all I can do is try to demonstrate the difference between us in the little time I have and hope that sinks in.  Sadly our daughter has now become the object on her BPD pedestal so all the charm and lures of that behavior are lavished on our daughter (along with securing reinforcement for her hate for me) and she has been thoroughly sucked in.  That drawing-in process happened to and worked on me so of course it would play out again with our daughter.  

She's entering adolescence and seems to have absorbed a BPD approach to her relationship with me ( this is of course an intergenerational disorder and may be at least as much from "nurture" as "nature").  Fortunately I don't think our daughter has adopted that entirely or broadly since she seems pretty well adjusted outside the family unit and is very social and generally positive with everyone else, but those feelings toward me make it very difficult for us to engage.  Learning how to cope with that and get past the resistance and outright hatred is a challenge.