Things were going so well and then...

[AskingWhy]

   uBPDH and I were doing well for several weeks, in fact, several months.  My depression, though, has stayed the same as I contemplate being in this marriage.

For several years, uBPDH, at the slightest provocation, called me the C-word.  This is the worst thing a man can call a woman, and certain never call a wife.  But as  BPD, H regularly called me this (along with the B-word and other names) when he dysregulated.  In fact, he had gone over a year without calling me C, presumably from a small amount of self-control on his part.  About three weeks ago, H was in one of his controlling moods, and in a fit of rage, called me C.  He just lost control.  I was surprised, and expressed my dismay as he had not called me that in over a year.  

There must be triggers causes him to lose control, such as his worry over his impending retirement, worry over his parents' poverty and failing health, and general unease with the world.

H always (and I do mean "always") dysregulates in matters that deal with his adult children, some of whom most likely have PDs themselves.  He is enmeshed with all of them, often buying them expensive things like sports equipment and designer clothes, or paying for their medical bills. His son is a drug addict and H pays for each time he goes to rehab.  One of his daughters is chronically underemployed, and he is often giving her money here and there (she takes recreational drugs, too.)  They are all close to 30 and should be up and on their own, but they are constantly asking for money.

This evening, H was given a call by said daughter needing money for medical bills.  This D, I suspect has a PD, as she has been promiscuous since high school and was fired from a job for sleeping with the boss; she also slept with a career counselor after she was fired then moved in to live with him  She has boundary issues, to be sure.

When I mentioned that D should not be turning to her father for a handout every time she gets in a fix, H flew into a rage at me.  She has money for drugs, after all.  He has given her hundreds of dollars, if not thousands (I have not idea), for things here and there and her several car accidents, including one of our fully-paid cars--free.  Then there is free spending money.

I said if we are to retire, we can't be supporting the lives of his grown children.

When I pressed the issue, H dysregulated then, in a BPD blind rage, upended a hardwood pine dining tray and threw it across the room, terrifying the cats into scattering.  Then he went into the garage and threw the mangled table on the concrete, splintering wood all over the garage.

Then the divorce threats came and he went to sleep on the couch--his form of withholding affection from me, or to show me his disdain for me; it's a form of silent treatment.  When he gets upsets and projects onto me, he threatens me with divorce.  "It's over!  I've had it with you!" he shouts, expecting me to cower and apologize for what I "did" to him, and beg him not to file for divorce.

In reality, he envies me a great deal.  His F was uNPD/uBPD and spent all the spare money on himself by buying hunting and fishing gear, and golf clubs, leaving his wife and children with very little.  So it was that H was raised in relative poverty.    On the other hand, my parents left me with a small personal business from which I get income.  H has betrayed that jealousy to me in his heated conversations, yelling, "I get up early and go to work every day, and you do very little!  You just sit on your a** and do nothing!"  He had threatened to divorce me and take half my business, and has also threatened to burn down our house so he will not have to split it with me when sold in a divorce.  

I am getting really tired of these fits of dysregulation and am seriously thinking about talking to a lawyer (again) to see what my rights are.  Clearly the trigger was anger at his X W, who did not financially support their children after child support ended.   (The children were all under kindergarten age when she left to marry the lover she took while her then-husband was overseas in the military.  She took custody of the children as H was too terrified to hire his own legal representation in his defence.)    

For the last year, I do not engage H (JADE) and asserted my boundaries when he dysregulated.  

You thoughts?  I suspect H has been BPD from his childhood, but I think he is still in a rage for his X cheating on him while he was overseas, and he projects this rage onto me.  (His X and I are the same race.)   I look at what I know of his children and X, his first marriage was the classic borderline/narcissist pairing.  

I think his triggers are the fear of retirement, and the enmeshment with his children.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AskingWhy, What would you like to see happen?  I'm uncertain from your post.  How do you feel when he makes threats?  How do you respond?  BPD, in my experience, is cyclic in nature.  In other words, you can have a few good weeks, as you note, yet the storm clouds always return, so you have to expect that rage will likely be a part of your r/s going forward.  I suggest that you focus on yourself and think about what is the best path for YOU.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

A couple thoughts.  Focus on the 1 year... not the recent relapse.

This summer my wife threatened divorce... .which was shocking.  She hadn't threatened that in a year... likely more.

In other words... .let it go.

I would recommend you "wrap in bubblewrap" any conversation about his adult children, especially with regards to money.

There is an underlying issue of boundaries and money... .  How does money work in your marriage?  Do you have your own?  He has his own?  And then there is "joint"?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

He's got his triggers and you've got yours--about how he treats his children with more care and respect than the way he treats you and how he's willing to compromise the family budget to give them expensive gifts, vacations as well as bail them out of their difficulties.

Though things were improving slightly in your relationship, your depression didn't waver from the redline on the scale. What is that telling you?

Also, you know that he has this zero tolerance policy for even discussing any financial matters that involve his kids. You're trying to relate to him the way you would with a non--as though you could have a reasonable discussion about not supporting their lack of responsibility.

He obviously knows you have a hard boundary about being called the B word or the C word, so this seems to indicate that your relationship, though it was calm on the surface recently, is deteriorating.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Howabout next year?

[Lucky Jim]

P.S.  How do you feel when he calls you the C-word?  It sounds very demeaning.  It would, I suggest, seem to call for establishing a firm boundary around use of this pejorative term. 

LJ

[AskingWhy]

LJ, FF and Cat, thank you for replying.

I am considering contacting an attorney (again!) to see what my rights are at this point in time.  @FF, I do not intend to" bubblewrap" H's using community money so freely on his irresponsible adult children.  (BPDs have double standards, such as H demanding that I account for all of my expenditures, while not being transparent about the gifts he showers on his children.)  You have children yourself, but I suspect you have never been a step parent.  As such you cannot empathise with my feelings.  

As I stated in other threads, my love for H is dying daily by degrees.  The way things are now, I just may wake up one day and say to myself, "I don't deserve this any more."  Much of the way we approach BPD partners deals with our self-esteem and own FOOs.

I was happily able to detach from his drill sergeant tirade.  I am not the person I was twenty years ago, and have improved my self-esteem (by myself) over the years. The insults of H and his attempt to hurt me did not work.  ("Who is going to love you, C?  Look at you!  Your are a loser!")

When he name-calls and make threats, I laugh at him.  I call his bluff.  Down inside, he is a horribly insecure man.  If he follows through with divorce, I am prepared.  I know I am strong and will survive.  His attempts to whittle my self-esteem no longer work.

The more I look at his name-calling and use of the C-word, the more I see just how unhinged H really is.  He cannot self-regulate.  Destroying furniture was something he has not done in years.  

My new approach is that he no longer has the ability to hurt me.  I have ceased to care about his opinions of me.  BPDs and NPDs try to control others with FOG, and he can't do that anymore.

If he wants to encroach on the lives of his adult children, let him.  Let their lives, children and r/s be ruined by the enmeshment.  I can see divorce happening down the road for some of them.  Their substance abuse and PDs will do them in.

Now I see him as just a scared, pathetic little man who is trying to control me through fear. I have come to terms with the BPD and understand the acting out is not about me, but directed at his parents and his X W who cheated on him, and then left and took the children.

When I met H, I had low self esteem thanks to my FOO.  That is no longer the case.  I can understand the BPD, but I no longer wish to be a punching bag.  I read the Eggshells book, and there is that anecdote where a woman's X H is dysregulating and calling her on the phone and threatening suicide.  She chose to leave him to his own misery.

I have read the books by Lundy Bancroft, and anger is a natural response when one wakes up to the abuse one has tolerated for years.  They say, "congratulations."

@Cat, I see myself in five years as having moved on.  Yes, I see myself without H in my life.  Either I will eventually file for divorce, or he will file and I will countersue.  Nonetheless, I see my growth as a person does not rely on him to define me.

[formflier]

  @FF, I do not intend to" bubblewrap" H's using community money so freely on his irresponsible adult children.  

Perhaps you misunderstood.  Know that this subject is a "core" thing for him... very tender.  There is an open flame there.

Don't hear me suggest it's OK or "permissable" or "good" that he has a flame there.  In my opinion... he should be more reasonable.

All that being said, he does have a flame there.  If you or anyone else comes along and dumps gas on a flame... .what do you expect will happen?

My guess is he will call you C word again and break more stuff.

Said another way... .I can't imagine you will talk him into "turning off his flame" anytime soon... if ever.  So... .where does that leave you?

(FF personal application)  I rarely tell my wife she is "wrong".  I have "bubblewrapped" that.  By the same token... .I don't save her from discovering she is wrong.  It just won't come out of my mouth so directly.

Please don't hear my say it's "your fault" he called you that.  Please DO hear me say... .had you not dumped gas on a fire that is there... .there wouldn't have been a big "whoosh" with all the BPDish crazy that came after.

Now... totally separate thing about governance of "community money"... .or perhaps deciding you aren't able to do "community money" with your spouse.  (another FF personal application... .I chose to separate our finances... wife freaked out... .she eventually calmed down and our "financial relationship" is "placid" now.)

Thoughts?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

AskingWhy,
I am concerned about the recent physical expression of your husband's anger. My first husband used to destroy objects and then he transferred his attacks to me. When pwBPD feel that level of rage where they'll demolish a table, it seems time to be really concerned that he might go further. Please keep yourself safe.

What FF is saying is that your husband has a raw wound about money and his kids. And chances are high that he will explode again if you try to talk with him about using community money for their issues. So maybe it's time to separate your money from his.

Cat

[formflier]

  And chances are high that he will explode again if you try to talk with him about using community money for their issues. So maybe it's time to separate your money from his.

And... this isn't fair.  But... if you want this dynamic to change... .it's going to come from you.  Once you change first... .he will be forced to change.


FF

[Red5]

And... this isn't fair.  But... if you want this dynamic to change... .it's going to come from you.  Once you change first... .he will be forced to change.

Hello AskingWhy,

I am very sorry that you are going through all of this again, never seems to end does it, and it is so emotionally draining... .I too am in the "midst" of another "tirade" currently... .what is it about this time?... .and does it really matter anymore ?

As I stated in other threads, my love for H is dying daily by degrees.  The way things are now, I just may wake up one day and say to myself, "I don't deserve this any more."  Much of the way we approach BPD partners deals with our self-esteem and own FOOs.

I can certainly relate to what you wrote above... .seems its like an old brick wall, with the ocean surf constantly beating against it... .everyday, another lone bricks breaks its seal of mortar, and drops off into the water, never to be "part of the wall" again... .by degrees, .brick by brick.

What FF wrote above is good advice, .this is akin to what I "think" I did in my own marriage, albeit she beat me up pretty good this morning... .long story ; (

This morning, I did not lose my temper with her; u/BPDw... .I quietly said to myself... ."BPD'ism"... .then I calmly selected SET, and used it, she blew it up in my face !... .so I left for work, and here I am, .

Yes, the "C" word, that's certainly not cool at all... .no its not.

Cat writes... .When pwBPD feel that level of rage where they'll demolish a table, it seems time to be really concerned that he might go further. Please keep yourself safe.

I concur !

"Nonetheless, I see my growth as a person does not rely on him to define me."

^Good Stuff !^

Stay safe, and keep posting, hope things are a bit better this afternoon, hang in there!

Kind regards, Red5

[AskingWhy]

FF, Cat and Red, thank you for the added insights.  The violence is something of concern.

Yesterday H went off again on me drill sergeant fashion for the second day in a row.  At that time, he also inferred he would damage other unspecified objects.  

The destruction of property, especially in the presence of someone else, is considered domestic violence.  The pets were terrified and hid in other parts of the house.

When I tried logic with him (foolish, I know), his responses at that time were like a bratty child or teen, to the effect of, "I'll starve rather than eat my spinach!"  He then shouted that he was discontinuing the medication he was prescribed for a newly diagnosed medical condition, saying he didn't need it and he resented my encouraging him to go to a doctor for treatment.  (He said, "You can take your suggestions about my health and shove it up your a**!")  He was in the moment and splitting and I recognized it as such.   As FF said, he will not tell his W that she is wrong, and will let her figure it out on her own.  Likewise, if my H discontinues his medication and starts to feel ill again, he will know he was wrong.  Sadly, this medical condition exacerbates his dysregulation tendencies.

Last night, he slept on the couch again as a point of showing his disdain for me, the version of the silent treatment.  He was planning on cutting me out of a dinner date we planning with his son and the son's wife in order to further show me his hatred for me, stating he could not trust me not to lose my cool in front of the young couple, of all things.

Today, he did say he regretted throwing the furniture, but did not say he would not do it again. It's his lack of impulse control.  

I am certain that his FOO and infidelity of his X are factors here.  He once displayed photos of his father in his home office, and they are now gone.  Something is working in his subconscious that must be terrifying.  I highly suspect his father is uNPD or uBPD.  My FIL is an elderly man but with the emotions of a child.

I tried validating H, so we'll see if this tempest can be calmed.  As he suffers from dissociative amnesia (a form of splitting), he won't even recall how he felt at the time he destroyed the wooden table, terrified the pets or raged at me and threatened divorce.  In time, he may even deny destroying the wooden table as he cannot recollect it.  

There have been times when he has punched a hole in the wall, slept on the couch for one night, and then sleeping in our bed the next night--a 24-hour cycling.  (Our home is filled with patched drywall holes from his dysregulating.)

Lastly, for irony, he said he dislike the roller coaster.

[formflier]

How long did the "drill sergeant" thing go on for?

I'm trying to get a sense of how long he "does his thing" and you listen or otherwise participate?

Very important that his bad behavior not result in "attention" from you.  Good behavior attention... .bad behavior you go take care of yourself... let him take care of himself.

Sure... we can tweak some things to say while disengaging... .but important to understand the goal.

FF

[Red5]

Askingwhy, .drill sergeant ?... .sweetheart ! Wow !  ... .you need to become a Drill Instuctor (USMC)... .fight fire with fire!

drill sergeant is a friggen army term, no Ma’am, you need to think in Marine Corps terms !... .OOH RAH and Semper Fidelis!

Some of the most fearsome DI’s On Parris Island are indeed Females !

My Dear! Become One!

Watch some Youtube videos!... .Marine Corps Female Drill Instructors!

Put him in place !

Red5

[AskingWhy]

The "drill instructor" episodes only last about a minute each time and only happen a few times for each episode of dysregulation, but he gets within 5 inches of my face and goes off at full volume--so much that I feel flecks of saliva on my face.

This particular instance of cycling lasted about 48 hours.  Last night, he was off the couch and back in our bed.

We met his son and DIL for dinner, and H was happy and animated.  (He values his children over me, especially the daughters.  One daughter works at a restaurent, and H will visit her while she works, happy to converse with her for a few minutes while she serves him a meal, then H will gaze at her from afar.  I am sure, especially for onlookers, that this is downright creepy.  I think I mentioned his letting one of them choose the colour scheme of our room remodel over my choices.

Enmeshment is a big part of BPD.

After we all got home and the couple left, H seemed very "high," if you take my meaning.  H was talkative and gleeful.  By evening, he had taken his toiletries back to the master bedroom bathroom, and prepared to sleep in our bed.  Noting was said to the effect of, "I am ready to move on," or, "I think we have both cooled down."  He just decided to sleep in our bed.  Inside, I was screaming to say, "What?  You call me C***, you say you hate me and regret we ever married, you confide your discontent with our marriage to all of your children (and now they hate me), and now you just say nothing and jump back into our bed like nothing ever happened?  Are you crazy?" 

I think I can answer that:  yes, he is.  I suspect he has dissociative amnesia where he has just forgotten the rage he felt, what he said to me, and what he did.

I am so emotionally exhausted at his cycling.  It takes me days to get over each episode.  I am tired of the divorce threats  every time he gets upset with me or projects his anger at me:  his work, his children, his parents and upbringing.

I am researching family law now in my state.  I want to know my rights should I finally decide I have had enough and want out.  Who know?  In one of his fits of rage, he could also file.  Either way, I want to be prepared and with a clear head. 

Living with this man is starting to be chore.  I want a husband.  I don't want a "project."  I read the part in "Eggshells" where one woman had to tolerate a husband who was always making suicide threats.  She had to back away and leave his to his own issues.

I am sure if I followed through and had him served, he's be a mess and beg for a reconciliation.  I know on some level he loves me (though not quite as much as his children), but I don't want or need that twisted kind of love.

[AskingWhy]

Askingwhy, ... .drill sergeant ? ... .sweetheart ! Wow !  ... .you need to become a Drill Instuctor (USMC) ... .fight fire with fire!

drill sergeant is a friggen army term, no Ma’am, you need to think in Marine Corps terms !... .OOH RAH and Semper Fidelis!

Some of the most fearsome DI’s On Parris Island are indeed Females !

My Dear! Become One!

Watch some Youtube videos! ... .Marine Corps Female Drill Instructors!

Put him in place !

Red5

Fighting rage with counter-rage is an effective tool in dealing with narcissists.  A taste of their own medicine.  NPDs get confused and back down often when treated like this.

As H is uBPD with NPD aspects, I have to consider the outcome of such tactics.  I have often laughed at him in the past, but I know from observation that H has a very fragile BPD underbelly.  He lives for the approval of others (his friends and children) as he really has no identity of his own.  His only real pleasure, if you can call it that, is controlling me and belittling me.

[Cat Familiar]

AskingWhy,
It sounds like you're getting really clear with what you don't want. And you're taking steps to determine your rights in this relationship. Have you interviewed any attorneys yet? It may be a good plan to find one you want now, supposing you do head that direction or that he suddenly decides to pull the plug on your relationship. Better to find one you're comfortable with now when you can think clearly and are not under any duress.

I interviewed a few different ones for my divorce (and I got served by him suddenly when I thought we were going to do a collaborative process with Legal Aid.) There's quite a difference in approach, I discovered. The ones I spoke with came highly recommended. I was rather shocked when this hard bitten woman attorney said, "Well, you married him!" after I detailed instances of physical violence. (Gee, thanks a lot for your compassion, lady. Next... .)

I found a no-nonsense guy who didn't at first buy in totally to my side of the story. However after a while, once he had heard and spoken with my ex, he confided that he hears a lot of stories about "bad guys" but he was starting to believe it in the case of my husband. He did a great job representing me and explaining that some times you have to cut your losses. I ended up paying my ex quite a bit more than I thought fair to get out of my life, but over time, with escalating real estate values, I now look at that and think I got out cheap!

My attorney is now a judge and I think he's likely a good one, since he has the ability to set aside his own prejudices and think things through clearly.

I'm a little concerned that giving your husband "a taste of his own medicine" might lead to unforeseen escalations that you might not be prepared for. Having been on the receiving end of physical violence certainly colors my perspective, but I'm not sure when pwBPD are raging, how much self control they truly have.

Cat

[AskingWhy]

Three days after dysregulation and cycling, H is now back in our bed and is wearing his wedding ring.  He takes off the ring when he is the "I hate my wife" mode--along with inferred and actual divorce threats.

Thank you, Cat.  My husband really wanted to hit me, but he said he was "too smart" to do so.  Instead, he chose to break furniture in an attempt to express his rage and intimidate me.  I think this is common with BPDs--breaking furniture. I have read this in books on BPD, and it must be a common way of acting out.

Many abusers (if not most) do have some measure of control in their abuse.  For instance, male abusers don't punch their partner's faces but instead hit areas where bruises are not likely to show.

My H saying he's "too smart" to hit me because being a spousal abuser won't look good in the legal system where division of assets are at stake.  He also does not want to ruin the "perfect husband" image he had to his children.  He wants to come across as the adoring husband showering his wife with gifts and show me as the unappreciative one.  (In fact, he spends far, far more money on his children from his first marriage than on me.)  He then goes crying to his children to complain about what a lazy and horrible wife I am, prompting them to insult me and say I should be treating their father better.

BPDs have problems with boundaries and like to triangulate with other people.

H displayed the BPD "instant intimacy" when he met one of his daughter's boyfriends.  This young man had barely been dating the daughter for a month when H was ready to loan him his car and buying the young man expensive tech items.

I have discussed this with my doctor, and have a police report a few years ago when H was punching holes in the walls in his rages.  

As I have said before, my marriage is dying a slow death.  Just as when a fire can no longer be stoked from embers, and the fire is out cold, I will know when all hope is gone for the marriage.  At that point, I will no longer feel anything for my H.  Just as in the, "Eggshells" book, a woman ceased to respond to her husband's acting out and constantly phone calling her--and she left him to his pain.

Then again, I can be devalued and H will file first.

I suspect that when/if we divorce, H will move across the country to live with one of his children and impose himself on their lives.  I know at least one of his children will relish this intrusion (though not necessarily the spouse) because H will lavish the entire family with expensive gifts, cars, toys for the grandchildren, etc. without restraint.  

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this.

I agree to be careful of trying to give him a taste of his own medicine. My ex is uBPD\NPD and raged at me a lot. He also tried to instigate me into hitting him several times by yelling at me while towering over me. He actually demanded that I hit him. I put my hands in my pockets and walked away. I told him he was scaring me. He told me that was nothing and he was capable of so much more. Nope. That did not make me feel any better.

One time he triggered me really bad on purpose. He actually admitted to me that he did it on purpose. I was just diagnosed with having PTSD and had just started therapy. When I was a sobbing heap on the floor, he had the nerve to tell me I was unstable and a danger to the children. He was the one who intentionally pushed my buttons until I lost it knowing I had just been diagnosed with PTSD and had just started therapy. That's when I knew I had to get out and I did.

Later on he kept trying to "prove" I was unstable when it was really him that was unstable. It didn't work, thankfully. I had proof he broke a door in a rage and I called the police on him. He had nothing. It's amazing and mind-boggling what they'll do sometimes.

Have you been documenting these rages, especially if they increase or escalate? I really pray they don't! Do you have a smart phone or something that you could carry with you and maybe discreetly turn on to record (even just audio) these events? In my case, whenever I heard him approaching me, I would quickly turn on record just in case. Afterwards, I would also take notes on my work phone (he didn't know the passcode) in the bathroom.

My ex did and said things I never thought he would do in a million years. We were together for almost twenty years.  Please be careful. 

[Red5]

Let me try and get my above post forward a little better, as I myself was realing from my own u/BPD wife’s latest rage... .and I’d had a little to much self soothing with the Tom Petty and mason jar wine while sitting on the back porch all alone... .

I used to “take it”, but the more I rolled over, the more extreme the rages and verbal attacks became.

Me, being a retired Marine, I am an expert at “conflict resolution”   ?  Lol

So these daze, I do not “take it anymore”; no I do not, Inhave come to practice what I call “apathetic indifference”, is’ she calls me an @Ss whole, then I agree with her, and then I put distance in between us or at least I try.

I am in no way condoning reprisal violence in any way , that said... .I also no longer act in a passive way towards my u/BPDw when she slips her rail, and goes berserk for lack of a better word,

This is a slippery slope oh’ hell yes it is!

But I have had quite enough of her BS, and I just let her go off now,

I concur... .be careful... .but don’t let your significant other destroy you in the process as there are things you can do when the tools don’t work anymore and you are under attack,

Best wishes, Red5

[AskingWhy]

@Fire,     yes, I had recorded him admitting to punching holes in walls and breaking furniture. I did so just a few days ago.  I also made a police report some time ago when he broke other things.  I have also discussed H's behavior, in the context of my depression, with a doctor so there is a record of his behavior in doctor notes.

H was "crazy making," if you have heard this term before.  It's where the abuser turns the tables on the victim, who is livid and fed up, making the abuser look normal.  Then H would say I am the crazy one.  I imagine this ability of BPDs and NPDs to quickly have two faces is common.

@Red, there was one time in the marriage when I would be utterly devastated when H dysregulated.  It started about two years into the marriage.  He'd rage, threaten divorce, break things, demand I return gifts he had given me, and, of course, call me every insulting name in the book.  After each of these episodes, I would be too traumatized to work and became physically ill.  One time, I had cried so hard I vomited.

Thankfully, a year or so later, I resolved that no one had the power to do that to me any more and I started to turn the tables on H.  When H raged, I laughed at him and left the room.  When H threatened divorce, I told him to go ahead and do it.  This happened several years ago and, so far, I have not been served with divorce papers.  I started getting answers to my questions and empowering myself.  

In the meantime, I, like you, are no longer passive to the abusive dysregulation.  H wants to see me devastated, and I don't give him that satisfaction.  Inside, he is a terrified child.  (I think his FOO did a number on him, and his first wife leaving him traumatised him.   H's X W, while H was overseas in the military, took a lover.  When H returned, she immediately demanded a divorce so she could marry her lover.  All of H's children were under four years of age at the time, with two in nappies.  H started to drink heavily and luckily was not kicked out of the service.  I believe he is acting out against me because H is projecting onto me what his first W did to him, and also his sad, deprived childhood.)

When he called me a name, I "owned" the term, and used it almost like a badge of honor.  In fact, I used it in reference to myself.  In that way, I took away the derogatory meaning of the word.  I think H was confused by that tactic.  

All in all, I now don't take H's rages personally.  He is acting out and I know it.  If H acts out now and dysregulates, I no longer despair, cry or beg, or rage back.  I just act matter-of-factly.  If he breaks something, I just make sure the pets or grandchildren are in a safe place and away from any broken glass, plastic or splintered wood.

Take care, Red, and enjoy your drink.  

[Cat Familiar]

AskingWhy,
I'm concerned about your husband's rages and wonder if you've ever taken the MOSAIC test.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

Cat

[AskingWhy]

AskingWhy,
I'm concerned about your husband's rages and wonder if you've ever taken the MOSAIC test.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

Cat

Cat, thank you for the link. I will have a look.   

[Cat Familiar]

Let us know your score.   

[AskingWhy]

Let us know your score.   

I took the test and got 7 out of 10. 

[Cat Familiar]

Please be safe, AskingWhy, and don't trigger him further when he's upset.    It can be a swift transition from attacking a table to attacking you, even though he realizes that it would put him in a legally vulnerable position. When dysregulated, that thinking part of the brain often isn't being utilized.

[AskingWhy]

Please be safe, AskingWhy, and don't trigger him further when he's upset.    It can be a swift transition from attacking a table to attacking you, even though he realizes that it would put him in a legally vulnerable position. When dysregulated, that thinking part of the brain often isn't being utilized.

My eyes are open wider than ever to uBPD/NPD triggers.  I am also looking into legal options on my marriage. 

I asked H that we need to discuss the incident of his destroying furniture and how it affects me.  It was a shock to my system.  Being hollered at from the distance of five inches like a military recruit did not help either.   To what extent dissociative amnesia plays a part in his dysregulation, I will have to see.  I know my FIL does this, too.  he will say one thing and then, minutes later angrily deny it.

[AskingWhy]

I was able to somewhat discuss somewhat the incident of the furniture-throwing with uBPD/uNPD H and how it affected me, and asked H if I could have his assurance that it would not happen again.

He said he would not do so again, but it came "with a price."  He said I had to stop saying things that would set him off, and he would stop throwing furniture, breaking things or punching holes in the walls.  The problem is that I don't know day to day what things will set him off, or which topics are forbidden, or in which way he is feeling bad about himself.

To me, this was his promise to continue to startle and frighten me:  "You keep getting me angry and I will continue to frighten you with violence."

[Lucky Jim]

The problem is that I don't know day to day what things will set him off, or which topics are forbidden, or in which way he is feeling bad about himself.

Hey AskingWhy, Right, it's a moving target, which is why this so-called agreement is unworkable.  To me, it's a license for your H to continue to act out.  Suggest you continue to set firm boundaries and practice disengagement, as needed.

LuckyJim

[Red5]

disengagement

The three “D’s”... .disengage - detach - defend... .defend = “grey rock” right now for me.

Hang in there AskingWhy!

Red5