Feeling helpless and defeated

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter is 13. She is beautiful smart and was once a happy girl until the beginning of last school year.  My daughter was being bullied and sexually harassed at school. In January is when our living Hell started. Our daughter told us that she was making herself throw up and that she attempted suicide by taking pills. We were in and out of crisis twice and she ended up at Sheppard Pratt for her eating disorder. She then came home and after almost 3 months ended up going partial inpatient for her depression and anxiety. Her psychiatrist thinks she is borderline personality disorder because she is taking all her pain and has made up horrible stories regarding my husband so she doesn’t have to face what happened to her. He is currently living with his brother to keep peace in the house but she has meltdowns on a daily basis. These kids don’t realize the pain they cause. My daughter tells me everyday that she wants to die. She refuses to open up and talk to her counselors or her psychiatrist. I had to start working from home which is a burden some days when I should be in the office. It is very hard.

[Maeb954]

My daughter is 13. She is beautiful smart and was once a happy girl until the beginning of last school year.  My daughter was being bullied and sexually harassed at school. In January is when our living Hell started. Our daughter told us that she was making herself throw up and that she attempted suicide by taking pills. We were in and out of crisis twice and she ended up at Sheppard Pratt for her eating disorder. She then came home and after almost 3 months ended up going partial inpatient for her depression and anxiety. Her psychiatrist thinks she is borderline personality disorder because she is taking all her pain and has made up horrible stories regarding my husband so she doesn’t have to face what happened to her. He is currently living with his brother to keep peace in the house but she has meltdowns on a daily basis. These kids don’t realize the pain they cause. My daughter tells me everyday that she wants to die. She refuses to open up and talk to her counselors or her psychiatrist. I had to start working from home which is a burden some days when I should be in the office. It is very hard.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Do you think that there was a significant incident that triggered all of this last year, or were there indicators prior? Like maybe she was a strong personality or was easily triggered by ordinary things even though you said she was previously happy?

[incadove]

Hi Maeb954 - that sounds really hard.  Taking it one day at a time is sometimes all you can do, I think. 

Have they been able to address the sexual harassment that happened at her school, in her therapy and/or at the school?  I assume she is not going there anymore!  Does she have a new community of any sort or is she just at home?

Best wishes to you to just get through this, my sister was bullied by a teacher and had school phobia and needed a lot of support for a few years after that but then pulled through really well.  This is beyond that, I think you did the right thing getting her intensive treatment, I hope she can start normalizing her life and feeling better about herself.  Remember to take care of yourself too!

 

[Maeb954]

We have addressed the sexual assault by some students and the bullying but she is just very depressed and it gets worse every day. I try to get her out of the house but doesn’t really want to do anything. She sleeps a lot. Doesn’t open up to the counselors when they come to the house or her psychiatrist when we see him. She is very reserved about everything. It hurts sitting back and having to watch her go through this and feels like there is nothing I can do.

[Turkish]

Can you describe some of your interactions and how conversations go? Have you had a chance to look at some of the tools to the right of the board? How are the professionals helping your family interact with her?

[incadove]

That sounds really frustrating, like nothing seems like its improving.

Are there any small tiny things you can normalize, like sort of not treating her too fragil-y and just making a small request of her in a casual way when its likely to be successful, and appreciating her efforts when she does make them?  I guess what I'm getting at is trying to treat the situation as something reasonable to her - like 'wow, bad things happened to you, and as a result you are depressed.  that sucks.  can you help me make breakfast?' sort of thing. 

I'm probably not saying that very well but as I understand it its sort of part of the DBT approach to acknowledge that a BPD person's reactions are reasonable to them.  I think that's part of what is talked about in the 'Validate the Valid' link under Tools.

I hope some of the things help, if one doesn't help I guess move on to try something else!  Learning always helped me feel less helpless, at least.

Let us know how it goes. 

[Feeling Better]

Hi Maeb954

I try to get her out of the house but doesn’t really want to do anything. She sleeps a lot. Doesn’t open up to the counselors when they come to the house or her psychiatrist when we see him. She is very reserved about everything. It hurts sitting back and having to watch her go through this and feels like there is nothing I can do.

My heart goes out to you, I remember sitting with my uBPD son many times in his early teens, trying to talk to him and to get him to open up, it is truly heartbreaking to see the pain that they are in and knowing that there is nothing that we can do to help.

Turkish has asked whether you have had chance to take a look at some of the TOOLS to the right 
I think that would be a good place to start too. I urge you to read as much as you can about BPD, find out as much as you can, read posts and share in posts. It all helps. I wish that I had found this site years ago, (my son is now 36 and is NC with me), maybe if I had things would be different now. You have a great opportunity here to help your daughter and your relationship with her. I wish you well x 

[Maeb954]

I have read a few books on BPD and have a DBT workbook that her counselors got me to use but she fights to do anything relating to getting help. She keeps saying it is to hard to talk about what happened. I think for me the worst part of this is her blaming my husband for stuff he didn’t do. They say it is part of this disorder but it is hard to hear. It does hurt to see her in so much pain and not be able to do anything for her.

Friday night I ended up calling the ambulance because she was acting out and screaming saying she wanted to die. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. Doing this on my own with her is hard and exhausting. They made her talk to crisis and then sent us home. She started a new anti-psychotic medication which I pray stabilizes her mood swings.

I wish I could go back a year or two. She was not like this at all. Her and my husband always were so close. Going to the movies, playing Mincraft and playing games. I just want my sweet little girl back. It feels like some evil person took her over and I miss my happy little girl

[wendydarling]

Hello Maeb954

I'm glad you are here for support with parents who understand, some in similar situations, you are not alone   I'm very sorry what you are dealing with your young daughter, no wonder you are exhausted, it is hard coping with this on your own. You couldn't take it anymore last Friday, you called for support. I've seen my DD30 through crisis 2015/16 and am here to support you and share my experience, along with parents here. I know how heart-breaking and scary it is for you to hear your daughter screaming in pain, saying she wants to die   , I went through with my DD. You want your daughter back, there is hope.

How did the talk with the crisis team go, do you feel they made any connection? Your DD says it's too hard to talk about her feelings. I ask because in time they became an important part of the mental health team around my DD. Are you able to call on their support again, will they come to your home?

How long has your husband been absent from the home, is this on advice of your medical team? As often this may be seen as reinforcing projection, he's absent therefore her perception is true.

Is your daughter practicing any self soothing?

Sorry for all the questions Maeb954, it helps parents build a picture how to support you.

Hugs to you, we're here for you  

WDx

[Maeb954]

Thank you WDx. It has been very exhausting. Crisis didn’t say much. They spoke to her about why she was ranting and it always comes back to blaming my husband for things he did not do. She refuses to speak with anyone. We have counselors that come 3 days a week and she stopped talking to them.

My husband left because things were getting toxic in our house. My daughter was cutting herself and threatened to kill herself if he didn’t leave. My husband was always the one to discipline our girls more than me. So when she would get in trouble she didn’t like it. He has been gone almost 3 months now.

My daughter will not do anything to help herself. Her emotions are all over the place.

[wendydarling]

Hi Maeb954

My heart goes out to you and your husband being separated at this time when you need each other the most, you must miss each other dearly.   How’s he coping, with leaving you to manage and knowing you are struggling? Have you reached out for counselling, therapy together, there are many parents here who do, seek guidance how to manage together and find ways forward.  

My thoughts are with your daughter, I hope the new anti-psychotic meds see some change, getting the meds right took time for us, though once we made some progress (depression, anxiety, psychosis) each small step gave her some relief, that little bit of space to gradually rest and feel some peace, I wish that for your daughter.

That’s so hard your daughter not talking, avoidance, separating you and your husband. As your daughter is refusing to talk to counsellors, have they shared what their future strategy, advice is? As often shared here it's a mixture of the therapists skills and ability to gain our children's trust is what works, hang in there! Things do change. 

How are you doing today?

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Maeb954]

Hi WendyDarling

It has been a rough couple of weeks my dad passed away and my daughter had a meltdown about my husband wanting to be at the funeral so he attended the viewing and left before we got there so she wouldn’t make a seen. Her meltdowns and rages are getting worse and the new medication seemed work for about a week and now it is back to longer and more rants. She still will not talk to the counselors that come to the house and they think the best thing for her would be inpatient to get her meds regulated. She was inpatient for 2 months at the beginning of the year for an eating disorder and I am afraid for her to go inpatient again because I know that is not what she wants but maybe what she needs.

I am stressed and feel exhausted everyday of every minute trying to balance work in between her rants. I may need to go inpatient just get some rest. We have he psychiatrist appointment tomorrow so we will see what he recommends.

Fingers crossed he can help us.

[wendydarling]

Maeb954, I am so very sorry for your loss, sending you my deepest sympathy and condolences.   That's just so much to handle, you are in my thoughts, my father also passed away when my DD was in crisis, it's no wonder you are jiggered. Perhaps its best all round if your DD spends time as an inpatient, it's easy for your daughter not to engage with visiting counsellors, as an inpatient they'll have time to work with her and you'll get time to rest and be with your husband.  I guess she does not want to be an inpatient as at the moment she's in charge at home.

Are you finding any time for you to self care?

Look forward to hearing what your psychiatrist recommends.

WDx

[SkellyII]

It has been a rough couple of weeks my dad passed away and my daughter had a meltdown about my husband wanting to be at the funeral so he attended the viewing and left before we got there so she wouldn’t make a seen. Her meltdowns and rages are getting worse and the new medication seemed work for about a week and now it is back to longer and more rants. She still will not talk to the counselors that come to the house and they think the best thing for her would be inpatient to get her meds regulated. She was inpatient for 2 months at the beginning of the year for an eating disorder and I am afraid for her to go inpatient again because I know that is not what she wants but maybe what she needs.

Hi Maeb954,

I'm sorry for your loss. I have to agree with the others, as my daughter was never able to get her meds properly regulated until her second inpatient, that was also when we got the official diagnosis of BPD.

It will also be a good time for the two of you to get a well-deserved break. As much as we love our children, this illness can suck the life out of the caretaker parents, even without the recent loss of a family member.

As most of the people here will tell you, if you're going to take care of someone, you must first take care of yourself.

[Maeb954]

Hi WDx

My daughters psychiatrist thinks a partial inpatient program would be better than an inpatient program due to the fact that my daughter picks up bad habits. I am waiting for her intake date. We have not told her yet because she will have a meltdown. She doesn’t want to go inpatient or even partial inpatient but still refuses to talk to her counselors. I am at a loss on how to help her. I am trying to find someone in my area that does DBT therapy but not having much luck.

My daughter, my mom and me are going to the beach next week for a couple of days for some R & R.  I hope it helps to get away for a little bit.

All I can do is take one day at a time.

[wendydarling]

Hi Maeb954

It's good to hear you've received advice from the psychiatrist, changing the approach and environment to partial inpatient programme. I think you are helping your daughter by following the psychiatrists advice, continuing to provide the opportunity to help herself. Have you found any of the tools, lessons  useful?

One thing that helped my DD was learning to self sooth, it was one of the first self care skills she learnt when in crisis. Is your daughter practicing self soothing? My daughter's go to when her anxiety was sky high was Lush bath bombs (natural products), highly perfumed, bright in colour, engaging the senses. She also put together a self care box. These were helpful practical ways for her to take control, manage her pain.

Is the DBT for after your daughter's completed the partial inpatient programme?  I hope you find a practice.

A few days away at the beach sounds just the job.

Small steps.

WDx

[Maeb954]

Hi

Just wanted to give you all an update. My daughter was admitted yesterday into an Inpatient program about 30 minutes from our house. She is not happy about being there but we need to get her medications figured out because nothing is working. Sometimes I think the medicine is the issue. She is on 3-4 different ones. I just hope they can help her because if this doesn’t work I don’t know what else to do. She calls me all the time crying she wants to come home. My

[wendydarling]

Hi Maeb954

Good to hear from you, thanks for the update, I'm glad to hear your DD is safe. They are so often not happy being there, those first days are the worst. How long is her stay? It's hard one meds, my DD is on 4. I'm wondering if they can get her meds right they think they have a better chance of working with her longer term in therapy to help her look at the core issues she's struggling with. Have you raised sometimes you think the medicine is the issue, if it's not right meds you are likely right.

I hope you get some well deserved rest bite and time with your husband.

What are you doing for self care?

WDx