Buried deep under life slide, exhausted

[bluek9]

  , Hi everyone,

      So very sorry for the long absence! Life has taken a major slide down hill and dumped on me big time.    I'm really in need of some love and support. I feel so bad for being out of things so long here on the board. I've been really sick for the last three weeks, missing work, missing here. It's just so awful to be miserable for so long. Then last week Thursday my 80 year old mom fell, breaking 3 ribs and pealing all the skin off her arm (such a serious major wound). I had to remover from her home and move her in with me. Wow what a giant can of worms that opened.
     My BPD D went immediately into melt down, she is so threatened that I won't love her any more! And tomorrow is her birthday. So I'm doing my best to dance around her feelings without letting her bully me into feeling bad about needing to take of my own mother. D actually went to counseling, had a melt down on the counselor, then got up and walked out because she was so pissed at the counselor because the counselor told her that what I was doing is actually what normal people do, love each other and take care of family. Now she is so mad saying she won't go back because her feelings got hurt. I'm already treading water, I just can't put any effort into caring or thinking about that right now.
    And so because I have removed my mom from her home that left my 84 yea old invalid dad... .
He is completely immobile and requires 24/7 care. I did have care givers coming in everyday to help my mom but that left her with night care; and now all that is impossible. He suffers dementia and a multitude of medical issues. So I found myself scrambling last week to get something done for him as well. If any of you know the SYSTEM you know it's a merry go round of hurry up and wait. By now my brain is on such over load, I could only take 2 days off work, if I don't work I don't get paid.    As of yesterday I had to leave work early to take him to the hospital; all this just as a round about way to get him admitted to a care home.
    Today brings having to meet the care giver at the hospital for an intake on him and hoping that she decides to take him; which may ultimately mean getting him moved tomorrow ** on the D birthday, day  yuk, yuk, yuk. 
   Again I'm worn out just trying to explain all this. In my mind I know better, but I still feel bad because I'm not able to up hold my commitment to all you here as an ambie. So for myself and my own self care I come asking for your support, seems that it's all I can manage at this point. I'm so grateful to be able to come here and share, vent, have a mini melt down of my own and know that you all get it. Thanks in advance for being here for me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Skip]

So for myself and my own self care I come asking for your support, seems that it's all I can manage at this point. I'm so grateful to be able to come here and share, vent, have a mini melt down of my own and know that you all get it. Thanks in advance for being here for me.

Wow... .that is a lot to deal with at one time. You need all the help you can get.

We're here for you.

[pearlsw]

Hi bluek9,

Sorry to hear that you have so much going on all at once! Yikes! Don't beat yourself up over it dear!

Here's some love:   

You sound like a wonderful daughter! 

warmly, pearl.

[Cat Familiar]

Hey bluek9,
So sorry that you’ve got so many burdens weighing you down simultaneously. Wow!   

I had to take care of a mom with dementia so I totally get it, but at the same time, I didn’t have a daughter with BPD or another ailing parent, so I really can’t even imagine!

Sending you       and prayers.

Cat

[bluek9]

Skip, Pearl, Cat

     Thank you all so much for reaching out. It means the world to me. Skip thanks for the life float, trust me I'm grabbing on tight... I'll do my best to check in again. All the hugs are great.

[BeagleGirl]

Blue,
Just wanted to add my    .

Please lean on us for support.  Are there others in your life that you can lean on a bit more during this time?

BG

[Radcliff]

Hang in there, bluek9!  You can do it.  One step at a time.
         
         

WW

[Turkish]

That's so much to deal with bluek9, but it's good what you are doing for your parents. And it must be so much harder when your D makes it like you have to choose.

[Feeling Better]

Hi bluek9 

So sorry to hear of everything that you are having to deal with right now, you certainly do have a lot on your plate.

Sending you lots of hugs     

Please take good care of yourself x

[heartandwhole]

We care about you bluek9     I'm sorry that things have gotten so stressful—that is a lot to deal with at once. Please take good care of yourself while you are juggling all these responsibilities.

We are here for you. 

[bluek9]

Again THANKS GUYS!

   Yesterday I left work early to fit in wound care for my mom and then race to the hospital to meet the head of a care home for an intake on my father. So of course because of the dementia and alzhiemer's he is in a foul ugly mood. So mad and demanding to know who I am and who is making the decisions to keep him out of his home. I told him I'm his daughter and I'm the one deciding right now, that only set him off more. Any way we are in the middle of this process when my D texts me. It was another melt down  . Demands on why I'm doing all this, how could I put her through this, why am I choosing to inflict this on her. I just answered her and said I can't argue through texting right now. Then she called, screaming and yelling; out of control. It's never my way to hang up on her but, I had to.
   The hospital wanted to move my dad today, I had to put my foot down and say no, today is D's birthday, I want the day to be about her. I knew that when I got home it would be a hornets nest with her. More of the same: yelling, arguing, demanding, bullying. Finally I looked at her and said if this is just too much for you I'll leave and take your grandma with me, then you can have the house to yourself. Wow I knew as soon as the words came out of my mouth they were wrong. What a total threat to her that I would choose some else over her. But damn I needed to make a point that I wasn't going to let her bully me or force me to comply with her demands. I know, I know very well her view is skewed; but damn sometimes I think she must be forced to see what MY REALITY IS.
   She removed herself and went to bed at 4pm. Then my poor mom is the living room crying, telling me that she doesn't want to be a burden and she will leave to go home where there is no one to care for her.      what a fine mess this is. She is 80, she doesn't understand anything about D's mental health condition. I did my best to explain that D is suffering from mental health issues, that's never going to change and sometimes it comes to down to the fact that she just can't have her way.
    My heart is so, so sad, it breaks for my D, I can never get her to understand; and that causes her to have pain and suffer. Then I realize the full gravity of the pain I suffer, doing my best to maintain my sanity, maintain my normalicy, doing my best just to carry on and get through the day. Sometimes I just have to say I CAN'T LIVE IN HER WORLD, I HAVE MY OWN WORLD TOO.
    Well today is the birthday, we'll see how things go, my expectations are low. Thanks for letting me vent everyone. I hate mental illness, I hate BPD, I love my D and celebrate her 36 years with me today.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi bluek9,

Wow! Sending    That's so much for one person to try to take care of.  You do have your own world and need to take care of yourself, as well. 

On the practical side, if you are in the U.S., have you completed FMLA paper work for your job?  When I was needing to be off work to care for my elderly mom, I completed it and it protects your job when you absolutely have to take off.

Mustbeabetterway

[Radcliff]

Happy Birthday to your daughter! 
I'm sorry for all of the pain you are dealing with.  Here's hoping that your dad gets moved into his new place, your mom heals, and your burden lightens soon.

   
WW

[Insom]

HI, bluek9.     No advice, just support.  Thank you for sharing here what you're going through (which is a lot)!  None of this sounds easy.

Sometimes I just have to say I CAN'T LIVE IN HER WORLD, I HAVE MY OWN WORLD TOO.

YES!  Allow me to support this.  You're allowed to have feelings and it's OK to express them in the moment even when things feel difficult. 

[wendydarling]

Hi bluek9

Hugs to you Bk9     wow Bk9, that's a lot you are dealing with caring for 3 generations with young JJ. I hope things improve over the next few days, your Dad settles into the care home, gives you some comfort he is safe. 

Hang in here with us, we're here for you. 

WDx 

[spero]

hi bluek9,

Gosh it sounds like you have a bit of a crisis situation at hand.
I really hope things do get better for you on your end.
   

Take good care,
Speedy

[bluek9]

   Hi everyone,

    Made it through the birthday and all went relatively okay. As most of you from my story here, my D gets herself so worked up emotionally she makes herself sick. Well we have been dealing with that since the25th and sleepless nights.   Good new for today is that I get to move my dad into the care home today. I saw him yesterday and he still doesn't know who I am or why he is been removed from the home. Oh well, so goes the decline of alzhiemers.
   My D has pretty much resigned herself to the situation, yet doesn't hesitate to remind me how selfish I'm being. I'm so tired I just have no response to that. My JJ will start school next week so that's a very good thing. MBBway, thanks for the FMLA input. I work for a non-profit and love my job. I have the best executive director in the word! She always has my back and tells me to do what I need to do to get through all this. I do have sick time but use it sparingly because I never know when my JJ might sick and have to stay home from school. You are so right FMLA is available to me but usually I don't need it because I can take off when ever I need to. The only down ide is when I don't work I don't get paid.
   I want to THANK ALL OF YOU SO MUCH   And I don't want to be a downer but knowing I can come here and vent is the best self care I can think of right now. I will power on, I will make it, I can only take one day at a time. God has been goo to me by removing some of the obligations I can't meet right now. Prioritizing everything is of the utmost importance and I do have to say I get great comfort at night from my new baby kitten Seely; he loves to snuggle next to me on the bed. Until next time my friends when I check in again, I appreciate all love and hugs.   

[Skip]

And I don't want to be a downer but knowing I can come here and vent is the best self care I can think of right now. I will power on, I will make it... .

You will make and we are here to walk with you.

[wendydarling]

bluek9  

So glad to hear your ED is salt of the earth and is there for you, having that support and flexibility is priceless at times like these, people come first.   Pleased to hear your good news of the day, your Dad moving to the care home and JJ returning to school next week will help bring back some semblance of routine to you and family. I'm wondering if you still have your housekeeper?

I feel some cat chats coming on bluek9  

Hugs and love to you.

WDx  

[Merlot]

Hi bluek9

So glad that your DDs b'day went well and that your dad is stable at the moment. Your boss soinds a dream. Nothing better than snuggling up with a kitty  and JJ  either.

Im so sorry that things are so difficult for you right now, most importantly you need to take care of you. Please know you are not letting any of your bpdfamily down. Life gets like this and we are all here to supporr you and each other.

Take care bluek9. We  are all thinking of you