Two months

[juju2]

Hi fam

I want support around the situation, he asked me to wait two months before deciding about the storage, etc.  He said he likes the changes he has seen in me.

Our situation was i was sick.  Mentally ill, from not taking good care of myself, trying to give, satisfy all of his needs (BPD chaos), i was clueless.
I got to the point of being a frail shell.

The thing is, i did this to myself.  I'm not a victim.

Esp since he told me during our first meet, he has BPD, it gets worse under stress, he is under m.d. care... .

I had no clue what he meant by BPD.

I lived the roller coaster, totally, every aspect, its here in most aspects.

So, i made a promise to wait two months.


Does anyone know what i am doing.?  I want support around, its o.k.

thank you for your support, j

[Cat Familiar]

OK, so now you understand what BPD is, you realize that you weren't taking good care of yourself, but now you are. You got to experience what it's like to be stuck in a reactive appeasement of him and how that wasn't a healthy approach for you.

Your two month time limit is coming to a close within weeks. What do you want regarding this relationship? To reboot or not?

[juju2]

Hi Cat

I guess what i want is, does anyone here understand what i am doing.

I feel unsupported, there is no one in my life who understands.  I reach out to this community

[AskingWhy]

juju, that is the problem.  BPDs (the higher functioning ones) almost always dysregulate in the presence of close family or even just significant other.  That way, no one really sees a problem. 

Your problem is not unique.

If you have not already done so, please read the "Eggshells" book.  It is written for family member of BPDs.  Often family will lose sight of who they are trying to twist themselves into pretzels to meet the needs of the pwBPD.

[juju2]

Hi,
read the eggshell book a while ago.

Guess its hard now waiting... .
I do want us to try again, am healthy, have a life, healthy friends.  There are people here that know how to do this r/s.  They are strong people and have intention, and have support.

I am concerned that he may not come back.
These two months are hard for me... .
This is the only time during the last year he has made a request and gave me information... .

I may have already made a mistake, emailing him.

I do trust in God and am turning this over to Him.

[Cat Familiar]

What day is the two month deadline?

I'm assuming that you don't talk to your friends about getting back together with him?

And no one in your life understands how difficult it is to care for someone with BPD?

[Red5]

juju, that is the problem.  BPDs (the higher functioning ones) almost always dysregulate in the presence of close family or even just significant other.  That way, no one really sees a problem.  

Your problem is not unique.

Ah’ yes... .last evening at foo mums birthday dinner out, both her foo sisters, and even foo mum (my MIL) seemed to think that this type behavior is #normal... .for my u/BPDw.

... .u/BPDw went after two matrons/waiters and the manager due to the fact she did not approve of the seating for eleven people ugh ; (

Then after the dinner, as we payed our tabs and departed, every single one of them went up to the matron/waiters and the manager and “apologized” profusely on behalf of u/BPDw who thought... .“I was not that loud was I”?... .she asked me when we got home as I was smart enough to drive separately... .I said, “no you weren’t too loud, no; you were RUDE”... .

Make wise choices juju2, and believe this line that has been shared here many times... .“when a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time”.

Best wishes, and hope it is a beautiful day where you are : )

Red5

[juju2]

Cat,

correct.  No one understands, my grown kids dont like him, they think he is controlling.
guess i will be waiting, and living my life for the next  months.
I dont think he would make a request for no reason, and he shared his new r/s is pretty rocky.
He hasnt been able to do the hobbies he likes, he told me, and the most important one especially.
guess these months are what he needs.  He doesnt make many requests. 
I dont like this waiting, and i will honor my word.

One thing new about me, is am not questioning him, not giving my power away, i respect myself!.

I thought i could be stronger.  Dont know what i would do without this community... .guess it is really getting to me... .

Blessings to you all.
j

[Cat Familiar]

Juju2,
Your story reminds me of a Tom Petty song, The waiting is the hardest thing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMyCa35_mOg

He's confided that his new relationship is not working out and he can't do things he enjoys. He hasn't made requests other than waiting two months about storing his things and you're going to honor your agreement.

Time must feel like it's moving at a glacial pace considering there are a lot of things you'd like to know, but in the meantime you aren't asking him.

Cat

[confusedbybdp]

Hi Juju!   

I must have missed an earlier post of yours.  What are you storing?  His belongings?  Where are you storing them?  Are they large items?

Do you want to continue your relationship with him?  If not, how would you feel about taking back the control, and telling him that unless he picks up his things within 72 hours, you are going to drop them off wherever he is living or staying?

Would that put you in a dangerous position?

[Red5]

What are you storing?  His belongings?  Where are you storing them?  Are they large items?

... .how would you feel about taking back the control, and telling him that unless he picks up his things within 72 hours, you are going to drop them off wherever he is living or staying?

Just thinking, if the items are in a storage unit, if it were me; I'd tell him to go to the proprietor, and have the unit put into his own name, and take me (juju2 ) off the contract, then it would be his responsibility.

If the things are in your home, I would enlist some help, and move it all to a storage unit, and pay it up for the two months... .and then do the above,

Put the responsibility on him !

Any storage unit of a medium size is not too expensive, maybe an idea... .

Just my thoughts, ; )

Red5

[juju2]

Yes, that is what i am going to do Red.
I need support in this area, being my word.
He does text me more.  I am sure he just wants to find out if i am that crazy person i was.
Our last year, i was mentally ill.  Codependence relapse.  I had all the signs.

Now I have a life, things that matter, he isnt my world, i can get on without him.
I just need support, because there is a possibility we will get back together, from what he is saying... .
I dont want judgement.

Thank you,  j

[Red5]

Now I have a life, things that matter, he isnt my world, i can get on without him.

After my divorce from wife #1, I was a single Dad for a period of about five years.

During this time, I became fiercely independent.

I used to revel in the most simplest things, .everyday life things.
*having my own place, just me and the kids (teenagers then).
*being responsible, and paying my own bills.
*grocery shopping ; )
*washing my 2006 Tahoe.
*doing my own laundry.
*being able to find the scissors.
*maintaining my own lawn, and lawnmower.
*safety, knowing no one was going to take advantage of me anymore, independence.
*financial independence, and security.
*watching what I wanted to on the television.
*cooking my own meals, making a pot of coffee.
*growing a little garden out back.
*going to Church on Sunday with my kids.

Basically just living my life, free form any kind of toxic emotional BS coupled to a dysfunctional relationship... .freedom !

Then I re-married, I do miss those five years I had alone now, with my children.

Best Regards Red5

[CryWolf]

Yes, that is what i am going to do Red.
I need support in this area, being my word.
He does text me more.  I am sure he just wants to find out if i am that crazy person i was.
Our last year, i was mentally ill.  Codependence relapse.  I had all the signs.

Now I have a life, things that matter, he isnt my world, i can get on without him.
I just need support, because there is a possibility we will get back together, from what he is saying... .
I dont want judgement.

Thank you,  j

Do you want to prove youre not that "crazy" person anymore to him? Why should this matter if the rs is over? Unless, youre hoping for him to return and waiting.

you stated he isnt your world, but it seems like you have to "prove" something to him. I think you have grown so much Juju, and his opinion shouldnt dictate your progress.

His new rs being rocky, and him not being able to do hobbies he enjoys, shouldnt be a reason to give you hope. His unhappiness in this rs is giving you a sense of hope.

I think youve honored your word plenty before to him, but you should honor it for Juju. 

[juju2]

Hi cry,

Thank you.


I lost it tonite, he texted me about commitments to this o.w.

I didnt know they are living together.


I lost it.  Texted him, am not going to be in communication, he can pick up his stuff, i am not paying for storage ... .melt down.
Blocked him on my phone and told him my email will disappear in one week.   I have been such a fool.

Bye,  j

[juju2]

I am ill.  This whole upset tonite makes me physically sick.

I think i will change my mind, i didnt know he was living w someone.  I am very mixed up.

Took two days off of work.  I wouldnt be able to go in tomorrow anyway... .

I just couldnt see how two months would change anything.   I havent known what is going on for a long time and i feel like a stupid idiot.
I was holding on to what.   Can someone tell me.

I hate myself.

[juju2]

I have figured it out.

I will take all his things to storage.
Everytime we talk about the stuff not going to storage, because he needs more time, etc,etc... the reasoning he gives doesnt make any sense.
It becomes more convoluted.  I dont know why he is doing this. Its like he wants me to agree that him living w this other woman should be fine w me and giving him time he needs to figure out if he wants to continue living w her, because he has to, because he made commitments to her!  All of this i have to buy and be great with.

All there is for me to do is remove everything, go ahead and i guess pay two months storage,
turn in the vehicle i drive.

It will be about getting out of the drama, completely out.  Getting out of the way.  I want to rent out my house and move somewhere else... .
I want to be in a different place.   

[Enabler]

I was holding on to what.   Can someone tell me.

You were holding on to hope.

Hope is like a funny mirror in the hall of mirrors at the fairground. It distorts and contorts the reality that we see in front of us. We're all prone to cognitive bias, we all see the world in a slightly skewed way in as much as we interpret information subject to our moods and desires. In other words you were painting a rainbow to a pot of gold. This doesn't make you a bad person, it just illustrates the difference between what you want (which is your ex back), and the reality. You believed that your actions or the path you laid out for someone else could lead them into a place where you might get what you wanted (again, doesn't make you a bad person).

Where you underachieved was that you didn't see the information for what it was and leave ALL assumptions on the table as possible truths with possible outcomes. I'm a probabilities guy, I look at likely outcomes and unlikely outcomes. No outcome is ever a 0% probability, keeping all outcomes on the table forces ourselves to be comfortable with at least the faintest chance they might occur.

Rather than focus your efforts on the most attractive outcome, have you thought about focusing you energy on the least favorable outcome? What is your least favored outcome?  

Here's an example for me:
My untenable outcome is one where, I get divorced, my wife deploys significant parental alienation and my relationship with my 3 kids is irreparably damaged, I move into a protracted high conflict divorce involving lawyers and court appearances, I am financially ruined and am left with an onerous ongoing financial burden for an extended period of time.

[juju2]

Enabler.

Thank you.

I can try the least favored outcome.  What will that accomplish...

Is it like, least favored, those two get married, he sues me for his belongings, i have to hire a lawyer, pay a bunch of money, i get angry and hit someone, end up in jail, lose my job.

Its kinda funny.   It could happen.

How does it help again.

Appreciate your insight.

[Enabler]

Okay, so what are you doing to focus ALL of your energy in avoiding that outcome?

those two get married (not much you can do about that, but is that what you perceive as the catalyst for the next bit?), he sues me for his belongings (Maybe you need legal advice but if you can prove that you clearly stated you intention and can document this, what has he got to sue you over?), i have to hire a lawyer, pay a bunch of money (Do you think you need to spend a small amount of money now to stave off spending more later), i get angry and hit someone (Now this is something you have real control over... .or maybe you don't think you do now but maybe this is where you need to focus your energy... .'How do I control my temper?'), end up in jail, lose my job (these are a function of things you have control over i.e. you).

Can I hack that down a little:

My worst outcome is that as a reaction to things out of my control, I lose personal control, act violently, go to prison and lose all the things I have worked hard to build up post my personal reform.

Is that a fair assessment of your worst case outcome?

[juju2]

Yes.you got it.

How does it help exactly. And
Why am i putting energy in to avoid that.some of that is outside of my control... .

[Red5]

Good Morning juju2,

I had a few thoughts after reading the posts between yourself and Enabler... .

"Stuff"... .is just stuff, bought at nice store today, then seen on the shelf at a thrift store tomorrow.

"Stuff"... .all stuff is on its way to the city dump at some point... .in my humble opinion.

So your ex's stuff... .I would like to see you figure out a good way to rid yourself of your ex's "stuff"... .its dragging you down, not only his physical "stuff"... but the emotional and mental "stuff" he is keeping in your mind as well... .and rent free I may add!

Its time to have yourself a yardsale - garage sale - rummage sale my Dear ; )

First off, I do not know where globally that you are, so I don't know about the laws... .in the USA we have small claims courts, so citizens can resolve small differences, or else negotiate through mediation to avoid the big court, and lawyers, and other nasty such stuff... .my advice is to contact your version (if you aren't in the US), of the clerk of the court, and ask them what you can legally do with your ex's stuff, as in GET RID OF IT  ... .so that you can JETTISON it forthwith... and not be held liable by him later... .ie' tell him, hey "dude", .your stuff went to the local thrift store, after you were given written and delivered warning to REMOVE your "stuff" from my home, as you "abandoned" it there.

Then you will have "peace of mind", and be protected from any further legal entanglements regarding his "stuff".

I have a new saying... ."GOLE"... .it means "go on living everyday" 

Hope this helps juju2 !

Kind Regards, Red5

[formflier]

   

Hey Juju2.

Wouldn't it be better to ask him to remove the stuff, vice you doing the lifting and carrying.  Granted... if he won't do it, then you should certainly rid your space of the reminders.

How can we best support you?

FF

[juju2]

Red,Enabler,

I went back and read my text rant fm yesterday.  We had talked on the phone for like 12 minutes,
and i guess because he said he had commitments to the o.w., that later i went off the deap end in a rant.  He actually texted please stop.
He texted earlier that he is ready to call the r/s... .w o.w.
I dont think i even saw that part... .
Wow i went off on a crazy tyrade, then w 3 emails.by the 4th email, i apologized.  An hour later, i told him(email) i was on strong meds(i am)and that my behaviour can get bad, emotional, and too many thoughts being expressed... and please forgive me... i mean, he is just asking for what we agreed to.   Yes i dont like that he is living w someone and never told me and nvr got his things.  Still.  I do have to be my word. I really felt crazy last nite, that he nvr said he was living w her... .yikes.  
This may sound crazy too. And i think he may be reaching out to me in the only way he knows how.
Idk why he even said he was living w someone... .guess he thinks its important for me to know... idk.

[juju2]

Maybe after the rant he will come and get his stuff.
He wont pick it up.  Already tried that. Nothing.
I know he has BPD and i am the crazy one.

He said o.w. has no family here, he has committments to her... .and when we were texting,
before i got nuts, he texts, i am about to call the r/s w her... .
And then all the crazy rants from me.?
Considering all that has gone on, i wish i could have kept my cool. 

[formflier]

  i am about to call the r/s w her... .
 

Help me understand what this means?

FF

[juju2]

Maybe after the rant he will come and get his stuff.
He wont pick it up.  Already tried that. Nothing.
I know he has BPD and i am the crazy one.

He said o.w. has no family here, he has committments to her... .and when we were texting,
before i got nuts, he texts, i am about to call the r/s w her... .
And then all the crazy rants from me.?
Considering all that has gone on, i wish i could have kept my cool.  

[juju2]

It means, call it over.

He texted that.  Earlier when we were talking, he kept saying he has commitments to her... .
Then the text.

Oh well.  We agreed to get in touch in a week.
I wish i hadnt over reacted.

[Insom]

Oh,  juju2!  Hugs.    I hear how hard this feels and get that you're feeling a lot right now. 

I have figured it out.

I will take all his things to storage.
Everytime we talk about the stuff not going to storage, because he needs more time, etc,etc... the reasoning he gives doesnt make any sense.
It becomes more convoluted.

What needs to happen for you to implement this solution?  What are the steps you need to take?  How much stuff is there?  Will you need a moving truck or can it fit in a car?

[juju2]

So, gathering my senses, i will wait the two months, the storage place lets you use their truck.
Its about as much stuff as a one BR. Apt.   The storage place says i need a 10x10. The vehicles will need parking spaces.  Cheaper than putting them in a storage unit.   It will be two days work, about 300-400 minimum.  The towing on the vehicles is expensive... .and one time when we talked, he said he doesnt have the money for storage nor does he have the room.  Its probably 5000 worth of stuff, easily more than that, all the valued things he has kept.   Anyway.
I gues when i talk to him next, i need to say something like, could i have the whole story so i can make a good choice... .he didnt lie about anything... .he just omitted telling me he is living w o.w. and now its not working out... .how would i know... .if someone just gives bits and pieces, how do you know what is going on... .?