Out of body experience and an invoice

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Yesterday was unlike any other day I can recall in recent history.  We had a meeting with the youth pastor and his supervisor at our church.  This was to discuss how my W felt she had been disrespected etc.  As I sat there and watched/listened to her going back and forth with them, it was as if I was watching her have a 'conversation' with me.  The biggest difference is that both the youth pastor and his supervisor were very skilled in communicating.  The meeting was supposed to be 15-30 minutes but went for almost 1.5 hours.  She would not let anything go and would refuse to communicate what she needed to move forward.  It was round and round and round trying to come to a resolution that she was happy with but she just wanted to stay angry and upset.  In the end, there was some sort of a resolution where they would try to work together.  As the meeting came to a close, I just became overwhelmed with emotion.  I cannot say exactly why but I had never witnessed her have an issue with someone other than myself.  I guess maybe it was partially relief/validation that it is not just me.  It was a relief to have others see at least to an extent what goes on in our home. 

This morning I woke up to a text message from my W saying that she wished I had not locked her out, she did not want to be alone.  I am staying in the spare bedroom and have started locking the door to hopefully reduce my anxiety.  It is not so much to keep her out as it is to be alerted that she is coming into the room when I am sleeping.  She could unlock it easily with a pin as it is just a typical bedroom door lock.  When I got up this AM, there was an envelope on my coffee maker.  It had 'Paid' stickers all over it.  Inside was an 'invoice'.  There were about 10 line items all with a 0.00/paid balance next to them as well as a note saying that she is releasing me from any debt that I owe her and that she will no longer be seeking payment for any of the things listed.  The items listed are not material items but rather things like disrespect, lying, adultery and several others.  The invoice means nothing to me.  I mean, it is a 'nice' gesture but I don't believe that any of it is real.  It is probably how she feels right now but it will change as soon as she gets whatever she wants.  I don't want to be rude or unkind in my response but I just don't know how to address it or what to do with it.  I received a similar note several years ago.  It was not in the form of an invoice but it outlined what she was sorry for etc.  I hope that it helps her process things that she needs to process but for me, it is not worth more than the paper it is printed on. 

WC

[Woodchuck]

Yesterday was unlike any other day I can recall in recent history.  We had a meeting with the youth pastor and his supervisor at our church.  This was to discuss how my W felt she had been disrespected etc.  As I sat there and watched/listened to her going back and forth with them, it was as if I was watching her have a 'conversation' with me.  The biggest difference is that both the youth pastor and his supervisor were very skilled in communicating.  The meeting was supposed to be 15-30 minutes but went for almost 1.5 hours.  She would not let anything go and would refuse to communicate what she needed to move forward.  It was round and round and round trying to come to a resolution that she was happy with but she just wanted to stay angry and upset.  In the end, there was some sort of a resolution where they would try to work together.  As the meeting came to a close, I just became overwhelmed with emotion.  I cannot say exactly why but I had never witnessed her have an issue with someone other than myself.  I guess maybe it was partially relief/validation that it is not just me.  It was a relief to have others see at least to an extent what goes on in our home. 

This morning I woke up to a text message from my W saying that she wished I had not locked her out, she did not want to be alone.  I am staying in the spare bedroom and have started locking the door to hopefully reduce my anxiety.  It is not so much to keep her out as it is to be alerted that she is coming into the room when I am sleeping.  She could unlock it easily with a pin as it is just a typical bedroom door lock.  When I got up this AM, there was an envelope on my coffee maker.  It had 'Paid' stickers all over it.  Inside was an 'invoice'.  There were about 10 line items all with a 0.00/paid balance next to them as well as a note saying that she is releasing me from any debt that I owe her and that she will no longer be seeking payment for any of the things listed.  The items listed are not material items but rather things like disrespect, lying, adultery and several others.  The invoice means nothing to me.  I mean, it is a 'nice' gesture but I don't believe that any of it is real.  It is probably how she feels right now but it will change as soon as she gets whatever she wants.  I don't want to be rude or unkind in my response but I just don't know how to address it or what to do with it.  I received a similar note several years ago.  It was not in the form of an invoice but it outlined what she was sorry for etc.  I hope that it helps her process things that she needs to process but for me, it is not worth more than the paper it is printed on. 

WC

[Cat Familiar]

It must have been really validating to you to see her behave that way to others. You know it's not you!   

Perhaps it was intended to be a nice gesture, but an "invoice" ?   That shows you that she's keeping an internal spreadsheet about your relationship.

I think you're right that it doesn't give you any future guarantees that she'll remember this, but it was an attempt to reach out and it would be good to acknowledge that.

[Red5]

Writings and invoices... ... .my u/BPDw gave me a note on Wednesday afternoon, right after she rampaged across the back yard, tearing asunder several items of yard decorations, planted pots, a bird/squirrel feeder, and several other items... .this is what the note said;

I HATE YOU !
Thank you for
ruining my
daughters visit
you're an ___ ! (censored)

yeah... .then she got even madder at me because I refused to go to "diner" with them.

I kept the note, I put it away for safe keeping... .with a few other "notes" she has given me over the last couple of years.

... .long story Woodchuck,

I can concur about the "out of body experience" in which you related; experienced, .crazy stuff man !

Red5

[formflier]

Leave her a nice note (not overly loving) thanking her for the "note" she left you.  I wouldn't use the word invoice.  Express interest in discussing it further.

I also think you need to express interest in working together on things like church youth.

I completely understand you don't "want" to do these things... and they may not "work"... but are nice gestures... in return for a gesture.

I'm still trying to think of what to say about "locking out".

FF

[PeteWitsend]

My first thought about the invoice was it could just be more intentional manipulative behavior.  For example, if you haven't done any of the things she's now "forgiving debts" for, it means she's still planning to use them against you in some way down the road. 

but then again, I've learned that pwBPD struggle with things like that: forgiving, and admissions of their own guilt.  This could be her own (twisted) way to open the door to a reconciliation.  so I agree that your first move could be a gentle, "thanks for taking the time to leave me that note."

like FF said though, keep it simple and plain.

see how she reacts.

[formflier]

like FF said though, keep it simple and plain. (and vague)
 

The point is to leave it "squishy" so she can make your note whatever she wants it to be.  Not much chance of invalidation or "pouring gas on the fire".

FF