My clothes dysregulated him again

[JCali]

I am once again trying to come up with a plan of action to leave my uBPDh  as I cant take his dysregulating flip flop moods anymore.

Today , it was my clothes ( again) that set him off and that led to a huge fight that I am having trouble recovering from.

I have basically changed  the entire way I dress to keep the peace. I am a 60 yearold woman in good shape who used to like to dress nicely, but not suggestively.  I have stopped dressing even remotley nice around him over the years.

Today, we were going for our daily morning walk, and I wore the EXACT same outfit I wore the last 3 times we walked:  capri yoga pants with a baggy mens shirt and a sweatshirt tied around my waist. He actually verbally okayed this outfit last year!  He prefers I wear very baggy sweatpants and mens shirts on our walks.  Its very hot here, and this outfit was more practical in the heat.
But for some reason it set him off. He said it was too form fitting (it wasnt) and if I had any respect for him, I wouldnt have worn it.

This argument led to my ( once again) telling him that I would like to volunteer somewhere once a week. He is adamantly against the idea and he started raging at me saying I was an egomaniac.

He has asked me to put off talking about volunteering in the past, but today, after the clothing rant, he asked me ( in his “ other voice”,the sweet understanding one) if there was anything else I would like to talk about. So, stupid me, I brought up the volunteering.

I work from home as a freelancer , have no friends, and just wanted to do something for myself with other people.

I used to be social, well dressed, happy and confident.  Now, I feel I have lost my identity.

We are once again at an impasse, and I am lost. Ive given it my all for 9 years

[AskingWhy]

JCali, I know how you feel as I am also in your shoes.  I am sorry your H is causing you this pain.  To me, it appears he is projecting something that he does not like about himself into you.  As you state your age and the time spent with him, I sense you married him in middle age.  Does he have children or family from another marriage? Just curious.

I have been married to uBPD/uNPD H for twenty years and it keeps getting worse.  

pwBPD don't know themselves coming or going, or one moment from the next. Just as an infant, they don't have a sense of past (even a few minutes ago) nor the future.  They only know the here and now due to splitting.  Think of a toddler falling over and getting hurt.  He rages and screams; his face turns red and he's like a small H-bomb ready to go off.  Thirty minutes later, he's back in the sandbox playing and eating a popsicle, happy as ever.  This is the way BPDs function.

You interest in volunteerism is kind and generous.  You must have a big heart and warm nature.  BPDs seem to home in people like us who are kind, loving and sympathetic.  Just as a vampire seeks out when victims are alone (or living solitary as you do) and then strike for a meal of their life sustaining blood, BPDs corner their prey and isolate them.

If you are interested, there is a book on Cluster B disorders.  Quite descriptively, it's about "emotional vampires.  It may help you see how these Cluster B spouses work.  You already see yourself as a shell of your former self.  Don't lose the rest of yourself.  Please read the eight warning signs of "emotional vampires."

https://www.drnorthrup.com/health-risks-of-energy-vampire-relationships/"  

[JCali]

Thanks for your kind words , Asking Why.

I have 2 adult kids, he has none. I posted last week about confiding in my kids about his “ condition “. I have decided to confide to my son as he and my uBPDh are at  odds and my son is very confused.
I have protected them from the truth , but no more.
Yes, I always fall prey to these vampires.
I will look into the suggested reading.

Thanks again

[Enabler]

Hey JCali,

Just to gain a bit of insight here. Does your H have any history of affairs? I'm not really talking about him having an affair, more his previous partner(s) or ummmm you? I wonder if he thinks that he can control what you wear, keep you looking frumpy in jogging pants, no one will pay you any attention and you'll not leave him for someone better... .or someone he perceives as better. If that were the case, it comes down to his own feelings about poor self image and his own relative attractiveness to retain you.

Just wondered if there was any form that might act as a trigger... .even his own mother running off with another man. Probably worth a deep dive to gain understanding and empathy.

Enabler

[Red5]

Wow... .I never, .not in my first marriage (21+yrs), or my second, now 7+ years... .never ever once said anything... .no!... .not one word about anything my wife ever wore!

Other than, "you look absolutely lovely today my Dear" 

Even when my first wife (ex) was stepping out the door to go with all her friends to the ladies night down at the club, "Shades" it was called, .nope I didn't say a word to her, and she didn't ask my opinion either  ... .all ancient history now.

My u/BPDw (current) was all dressed up this morning (9's), to go somewhere, but she didn't tell me where she was going, as I am currently -black-... .she was out the door before myself and my Son even left for school and work... .all I said to her was, "I fixed the garage door opener, it should work fine now"... .

I am afraid to say, I would not put up with this type of treatment JCali, it's not acceptable in my "book", and its not cool at all either... .imho.

Red5

[Lady Itone]

Hi JCali,

Sorry you are feeling so lost.

But... .why are you allowing him to dictate what you wear? Why do you need his blessing to volunteer (which sounds like a great idea, by the way?)

What are the consequences of living your life in ways that will make YOU happier? Can he cut you off financially? Will he beat you? Or will he just pout and rage and give you the silent treatment?

I agree with Red5, such controlling behavior is unacceptable. I hope you do volunteer for something worthwhile, the world needs more do-gooders!

[Red5]

Why do you need his blessing to volunteer (which sounds like a great idea, by the way?)

I agree with Red5, such controlling behavior is unacceptable. I hope you do volunteer for something worthwhile, the world needs more do-gooders!

Yes!... .I second that too! 

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Hi JCali,
Your partner has eroded your confidence, prevented you from being around other people, even is dictating how you must dress in order to not set him off. Yes, this definitely indicates fear and lack of confidence on his part and at the same time, it's been a slow erosion of yourself in order to keep the peace.

Have you read this section on boundaries? https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I, too, was in a long relationship with my first BPD husband and he slowly undermined my self esteem. The drip by drip process of listening to him, rather than my own inner voice, ultimately led to a similar situation in my life, being isolated from friends and family and needing to ask permission, as if I was a child and he was my father, rather than my husband.

It's not easy to make these sorts of changes after a number of years, so be prepared to stand strong amidst fireworks. And figure out what is truly important to you.   

Cat

[AskingWhy]

Hi JCali,
Your partner has eroded your confidence, prevented you from being around other people, even is dictating how you must dress in order to not set him off. Yes, this definitely indicates fear and lack of confidence on his part and at the same time, it's been a slow erosion of yourself in order to keep the peace.

Have you read this section on boundaries? https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I, too, was in a long relationship with my first BPD husband and he slowly undermined my self esteem. The drip by drip process of listening to him, rather than my own inner voice, ultimately led to a similar situation in my life, being isolated from friends and family and needing to ask permission, as if I was a child and he was my father, rather than my husband.

It's not easy to make these sorts of changes after a number of years, so be prepared to stand strong amidst fireworks. And figure out what is truly important to you.  

Cat

Early in our marriage, uBPD/NPD H tried to dictate what I wore.  I was hypercritical. One time he argued about my clothing (I, he and his small children) were going out to dinner, and he actually stomped on the brakes of the car in anger--and all of us lurched forward.  

Thankfully, I did not care what he thought about my taste in clothes--I wear what I want and when I want.

Years down the road, he might make a comment about my grooming or clothing, and my response is, "And so what?"  I no longer have the fragile self esteem I once had.  

[XSurvivorX]

He said it was too form fitting (it wasnt) and if I had any respect for him, I wouldnt have worn it.

JCali,

It's so 'funny' how this works in the pwBPD (I say funny-strange, because it certainly isn't funny ha-ha). The respect notion is something that got used against me All. The. Time.  If I had any respect for her I wouldn't have X Y or Z'd.  Or if I had any respect for her I would X Y or Z.  I'm afraid its a lose-lose scenario.  It sounds like to me that you a pretty good sense of body-image and don't really have self-esteem issues, but more so "dress down" we'll call it, in order to keep the peace?  Is this an accurate statement?

It's certainly frustrating that something you're actively doing to for his benefit gets turned around and used against you as some blatant disregard of his respect and decency.  I am sorry for you that happened. [Cat's laid out some good links there, with good info btw]

But if it allowed for the volunteering convo to be reinvigorated, I say maybe it was worth it? If this is your passion and you enforce that as a boundary it may be really helpful and healthy.  I do hope that things can change for you.  Please take care, and keep us updated.

[AskingWhy]

JCali,

It's so 'funny' how this works in the pwBPD (I say funny-strange, because it certainly isn't funny ha-ha). The respect notion is something that got used against me All. The. Time.  If I had any respect for her I wouldn't have X Y or Z'd.  Or if I had any respect for her I would X Y or Z.  I'm afraid its a lose-lose scenario.  It sounds like to me that you a pretty good sense of body-image and don't really have self-esteem issues, but more so "dress down" we'll call it, in order to keep the peace?  Is this an accurate statement?

It's certainly frustrating that something you're actively doing to for his benefit gets turned around and used against you as some blatant disregard of his respect and decency.  I am sorry for you that happened. [Cat's laid out some good links there, with good info btw]

But if it allowed for the volunteering convo to be reinvigorated, I say maybe it was worth it? If this is your passion and you enforce that as a boundary it may be really helpful and healthy.  I do hope that things can change for you.  Please take care, and keep us updated.

Survivor, you are describing the double-bind.  This is common in mental disorders.  It is "crazy making."  Here is a good article on the double bind where an individual wants or says something and then does or demands the opposite:

"The Double Bind Theory: Still Crazy-Making After All These Years"

www.psychotherapy.com.au/fileadmin/site_files/pdfs/TheDoubleBindTheory.pdf

It's like when a wife dresses herself to be attractive, then her husband calls her a tramp.

"Darned if you do; darned if you don't."

[JCali]

Thank you XSurvivorX and everyone else who chimed in with support.

I am much calmer today. I will be working on boundaries in this area with my therapist.
Husband and I are keeping things light and neutral now. I plan to go ahead with volunteering. He will just have to deal with it.

The clothes are an ongoing issue.
Today , I wore a form fitting shirt out with him today. He didn’t say a word or even look askance at me. It’s a wild ride , for sure