BPD daughter wants me to leave my girlfriend

[jones54]

Many of you know my story. I have a 33yo BPD daughter who has had addiction issues. I am divorced from her mother (partly due to the chaos she caused years ago that pulled my ex and I apart). I have been with someone else for 16 years. We did get engaged years ago but have never moved ahead (complicated but partly due to my girlfriends concerns with my daughter). My girlfriend and I have had a rocky road recently and nearly broke up. We have been in counseling for the last couple of months and their has been improvement.
The other night I received a text from my daughter stating that she no longer can have a relationship with me because of my not leaving my girlfriend. She feels that causes her too much mental anguish and that she has felt "abused" by the situation. Part of the demise of my marriage was due to my BPD daughter. Now the same thing is happening with my girlfriend. My daughter has been such a damaging influence on my relationships. She now seems to want me to choose between staying and trying to work out things with my girlfriend or her not choosing to be in my life. My girlfriend has never done anything against my daughter. She actually was the mother figure years ago when my ex walked out. My girlfriend tells me she cannot take much more of this situation. She also feels my ex is poisoning my daughter against her. Months back my ex (who I get along with) may have gotten the impression from me that we possibly could get back together. This was when the relationship with my girlfriend was at it's lowest point and I may have said something that gave her this idea. Now that I am trying to work out things with my girlfriend, my ex is upset. I realize I cannot control other peoples actions. But I have to be honest that I am tired of the bad influence my BPD daughter had had on my relationships in the past. I have always wanted for everyone to just get along but again I cannot control other people and what they want to do. I am getting to the point that I want my life back and to just let my daughter have hers (I have stopped enabling her). She has these warped views of people "abusing" her and that the only way for her to be "ok" is to no longer have a relationship with them (me). It frustrates me because for years I wanted her to get sober (which she has now) and then we could rebuild a relationship. Things were getting better. Now she is sober, she is saying she cannot be around me. She has said this before and then eventually continued the relationship. I am concerned at this point she may be serious. The other concern is that I feel my girlfriend will move on as well since she has had enough of my daughter. I feel hopeless at times and just wish this would all go away. In the perfect world I would move ahead with my girlfriend and my daughter would be accepting of her.  I seem to always be "stuck in the middle". The roller coaster just won't let me off. I would like for all of us to sit down together with a therapist. I am feeling at this point my daughter will refuse. I feel I am loosing both of them.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DremNCWgrl]

I'm sorry you are going through this!  I'm new to this group and new-ish to the term "BPD" but I've been in a very similar situation so I can really empathize.  My dd19 (she was 11) did something similar when my husband and I became engaged. She started telling people she was scared of him and that he was abusive and that she didn't feel safe with him. She wanted him to move out and us to break up.  I ended up asking myself what each scenario would look like long term.  I ended up sitting her down and asking her to give me specific examples because I  couldn't understand where her fear was coming from because he had never hurt anyone and very rarely even raised his voice. I had also talked to my other daughter (15 then) and his two sons, who didn't understand it either. She said she couldn't, it was just a feeling. By that time I had decoded that when she had a feeling it was really a feeling she wasn't going to get her way. I went ahead with the marriage. Which was the best decision I could have made.  Once she realized she was going to receive a ton of attention by being in the wedding, all was well and she never brought it up again. Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of other times she's been angry with him or me and made up stories, but she never revisited that story.   
I know that was a lot of background but I wanted you to know where I was coming from when I say this: If you were to do what your DD has asked, and leave your girlfriend, will she stop there? Or will there be something else that she uses against you?  Is your girlfriend really the problem or is your DD looking for something that will cause turmoil so that she can gain the sympathy of others (possibly her mother in this case?).  You may not have the answers but I hope another perspective helps you in your decision making process.

[jones54]

Thanks DremNCWgrl, I appreciate your input. I honestly fear that whoever I am with my DD will try to disrupt my relationship. I am not sure why my trying to resolve my relationship with my girlfriend is something that she feels hurts her. She feels strongly that my girlfriend will never move ahead with me (understandable since we have been engaged 12 years) but I would think it should be up to me what I decide to do with my life. I have a son who states he has no issues with what I do, he just wants me happy. He feels I need to  not feel that I need a close relationship with his sister. He feels she needs to get her life in order since it has been in total chaos for the last year with her addiction (she is now finally sober). Years ago when I tried to salvage my marriage after my ex had an affair on me, my DD would get verbally angry at me when I tried very hard to make the marriage work. She had a total dislike for her mother at the time and was very close to me. Now she is close to her mother and feels I am the bad guy who abandoned her (she was working at Christmas 10 years ago, so I did not include her with a trip away at the time). With this one incident she feels I have "abused" her for years with not being there for her. Others have said I was not wrong since she was working. I have been there for her in every other way.
It gets very frustrating. For years if I felt she was sober, I would try so hard to rebuild a relationship with her. Things were going great for the last 4 months with the two of us. Then all of a sudden she turns on me and wants nothing to do with me. I do not want to step away from her but if she wants nothing to do with me, I am not sure what else I can do. It is though she is trying to manipulate my feelings because she knows how badly I have wanted to rebuild this relationship with her. I am sure she wants me to come begging to reconsider her decision. My girlfriend feels she is trying to manipulate me and that I should not respond to her (I have not at this point... .in the past she eventually will contact me because she needs something... .but now I am getting the feeling she will not). I am hopeful she someday will be willing to sit with me and a therapist to resolve her feelings (we did for two sessions when she was in rehab) and eventually sit with me and my girlfriend along with a therapist.

[jones54]

I have been trying to reason with my DD. I am using validation of as instructed in the books. Not trying to deny her feelings. She initially agreed to see a therapist together when she was in rehab. She was doing so much better then and we were having a great improvement in our relationship. Now she is bringing up everything she can think of to be critical. She is saying seeing a therapist is a waste of time for myself and my girlfriend (even though it has helped us). She brings up all the previous negative things she felt how she was hurt in the past. I have tried to validate her feelings and am encouraging her to see a therapist (and hopefully she would soon include me). She is 33 years old. I do not want to spend the rest of my life dealing with her BPD. She has been hell ever since she was 15. Yes, there have been moments when she was better (they all are temporarily at times). It is so hard for all of us wanting to get a better relationship with our kids only to live in this repetitive cycle of chaos. I have always been a fixer. I need to have acceptance that this may never change and I need to simply go on with my life. It gets so frustrating. She got sober from her heroin, went to rehab and everything was getting better and then she reverts back to her old negative self. I feel she tries to manipulate my feelings. I cannot allow this. I am not sure what else I can do. I do not think any of us can help our kids unless they want to participate in getting better. I have to leave this alone until she changes her mind. Sometimes I feel she likes all the negativity. Seems crazy why someone would want to perpetuate feeling bad but BPD is such difficult disorder.

[Feeling Better]

Hi jones54

I feel your frustration!

I have always been a fixer. I need to have acceptance that this may never change and I need to simply go on with my life.

I too have always been a fixer, sometimes it’s really hard to just stand back and observe. All I ever wanted to do was to fix my uBPD son, thought it would be easy. Get him to see a counsellor, he’d get diagnosed, get treatment and all would go back to normal. I can’t believe how naive I was way back then, but that was before I’d even heard of BPD.

How strange that one of the most difficult things to do is to simply go on with our lives. If only it was simple. I think acceptance makes it easier but it’s still really hard. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve said the same things as you to myself.

You’ve come through such a lot and my heart goes out to you.

As you say, we cannot help our kids unless they want to participate in getting better, and there lies the key.

Stick with it jones54 

[Turkish]

Being a Fixer or Rescuer is hard.  Do you question yourself on what is the right thing to do?

The mother of our children left me for another man when the kids were 1 and 3/4. Our 4 year old son started acting out against his mother months after age had left.  My T, no fan of my ex (whom he'd seen twice individually before she quit) said, "it's none of the kids business who his mom chooses to have an adult relationship with."

Your daughter is by far an adult. So are you, far beyond her and you deserve to live your life on your terms as an adult and an independent entity.