I find myself stuck in the caretaker mode with my BPD chilren

[mothrof3+2+2]

I find my self stuck in the care taker mode with my BPD children.  I have watched many videos and read many books and articles but I can't seem to get out of the trap.  I know they use fear, obligation and guilt to trap me.  i try to fight it but I just get blustered when I am dealing with them.  They were adopted, all 3 of them so I know they were once victims of neglect but staying in the victim mode seems to be where they want to be.  I am sure that it is just easier to get them to solve thier problems.  I try all they words that they say to use in the books but somehow by the end of the conversation, they have beaten me back into the caretaker role.  I hang up the phone and want to cry.  I say, "I can't rescue you.  This is your problem to solve.  Would you like some ideas?"  They say yes then negate all my ideas and get mad that I have not solved their problem.  I am so tired of this cycle but don;t seem to be able to step out of it.  Part of the problem is that i do feel guit and obligation.  I want to be a good person and help others so it seems like it goes against my values to say no to them even though I know they are taking advantage of me.  It just leaves me sad and stuck.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi mothrof3+2+2

Sorry to hear that you are feeling trapped in your caretaker mode, I can relate to it, I was a great caretaker and people pleaser. I was very good at putting others wants and needs and their feelings before my own. I am still work in progress.

Do you think that you might have taken on your caretaker role because you feel that you need to give more to your BPD children because of them having been victims of neglect?

You very wisely recognise that they are using F.O.G., and you say yourself that you do feel guilt and obligation. Do you think that that might also be attributable to the fact that they suffered neglect? Do you think that you could be trying too hard to “fix them”?

 

I want to be a good person and help others so it seems like it goes against my values to say no to them even though I know they are taking advantage of me.  It just leaves me sad and stuck.

Are you saying that it goes against your values to say no... .because you want to be a good person and help others? If so, it’s no wonder it just leaves you sad and stuck, I know, I have been guilty of doing exactly the same. I have not been very good at setting healthy boundaries, too scared of upsetting others I guess because I let their feelings matter more than my own. Have you had chance to read up on boundaries? A boundary should be put in place to protect yourself. If you are feeling taken advantage of and sad and stuck because you didn’t say “no” (because saying “no” goes against your values), what do you think is happening here?

Please take care x