No one really sees

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

No one sees the hurt and pain uBPD/uNPD H causes me.  Only my sister and T know.

H is the darling father who dotes on his adult children and gives then anything they want and they gush all over him:  cars, home furnishings, weddings, summer camp for the grandchildren, etc.  (Of course, since adolescence, they all sensed his non custodial guilt and used emotional blackmail to get what they wanted.  uNPD X W egged them on, of course.)

H is the wonderful son who spends thousands of dollars on his elderly parents for their medical bills and grocery bills.  FIL is uNPD and horrible to his own wife, spending his life and money on hobbies while his family suffered.  H was raised on poverty as the non-favored child, a fact H is still in denial about.  Now in old age, uNPD FIL has nothing and drops hints to his son for money.

He's the darling "young man" to the neighbors who will pause in the middle of dinner to help an elderly widow stop an out of control lawn sprinkler head or to search for a lost pet.

He's the (apparently) God fearing church goer who visits the parents of his son-in-law and puts in a full day of volunteer labour to pour a concrete patio and build a wooden staircase, then pays for a dinner for the entire extended family.

He's the ideal coworker who will spend a weekend helping an office mate help his daughter load up her belongings to attend her first semester of college--and drive the rental truck to the dormitory--and then set up the furniture.

Gee--what a guy!  So nice, so kind and helpful, and so considerate!

Then when his wife had surgery and had to be physically present at a mandatory work meeting (I was telecommuting), H shouted, "You can drive yourself,  b****!"  He could not put aside his petty anger for an important instance when his wife needed him.  (This was pre-Uber, and my boss was expecting me to get a ride to the meeting.  H said he would drive me, buy dysregulated at the last minute.  I ended up taking a taxi and arriving late to the meeting.)

I know the Hyde side of Jekyll each and every week behind closed doors: called c*** and b**** on a regular basis (are those my new nicknames?); several times a week told how much I am hated; weekly divorce threats; broken household items (dishes, kitchen and bathroom tiles), holes punched in doors and walls, numerous other outward shows of rage.

This is why BPD splitting is called Jekyll and Hyde.

I am at the point of looking at all the things H has said and done to me (and did not do for me) and this is helping me see things more clearly.

I have a list now.  I did not know just how long it was as I had not looked at it for some time.   It's easy to forget all those times when H was dyregulating and being less than a husband should.

[AskingWhy]

No one sees the hurt and pain uBPD/uNPD H causes me.  Only my sister and T know.

H is the darling father who dotes on his adult children and gives then anything they want and they gush all over him:  cars, home furnishings, weddings, summer camp for the grandchildren, etc.  (Of course, since adolescence, they all sensed his non custodial guilt and used emotional blackmail to get what they wanted.  uNPD X W egged them on, of course.)

H is the wonderful son who spends thousands of dollars on his elderly parents for their medical bills and grocery bills.  FIL is uNPD and horrible to his own wife, spending his life and money on hobbies while his family suffered.  H was raised on poverty as the non-favored child, a fact H is still in denial about.  Now in old age, uNPD FIL has nothing and drops hints to his son for money.

He's the darling "young man" to the neighbors who will pause in the middle of dinner to help an elderly widow stop an out of control lawn sprinkler head or to search for a lost pet.

He's the (apparently) God fearing church goer who visits the parents of his son-in-law and puts in a full day of volunteer labour to pour a concrete patio and build a wooden staircase, then pays for a dinner for the entire extended family.

He's the ideal coworker who will spend a weekend helping an office mate help his daughter load up her belongings to attend her first semester of college--and drive the rental truck to the dormitory--and then set up the furniture.

Gee--what a guy!  So nice, so kind and helpful, and so considerate!

Then when his wife had surgery and had to be physically present at a mandatory work meeting (I was telecommuting), H shouted, "You can drive yourself,  b****!"  He could not put aside his petty anger for an important instance when his wife needed him.  (This was pre-Uber, and my boss was expecting me to get a ride to the meeting.  H said he would drive me, buy dysregulated at the last minute.  I ended up taking a taxi and arriving late to the meeting.)

I know the Hyde side of Jekyll each and every week behind closed doors: called c*** and b**** on a regular basis (are those my new nicknames?); several times a week told how much I am hated; weekly divorce threats; broken household items (dishes, kitchen and bathroom tiles), holes punched in doors and walls, numerous other outward shows of rage.

This is why BPD splitting is called Jekyll and Hyde.

I am at the point of looking at all the things H has said and done to me (and did not do for me) and this is helping me see things more clearly.

I have a list now.  I did not know just how long it was as I had not looked at it for some time.   It's easy to forget all those times when H was dyregulating and being less than a husband should.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m so sorry, AskingWhy.

I totally understand as in my first marriage, I was complicit in keeping the Mr. Hyde side hidden from public view and people were shocked when I told them the truth of how he behaved with me.

Of course some people saw more than I’d given them credit for and you can only paper over the cracks in the veneer to a limited extent.

But on the whole, it’s a lonely place you find yourself in.      And we understand.

Cat

[formflier]

What is all of this were actually true?

Is all of this actually true?

I can see some pathways to use these "truths" to smooth things out in your relationship.  Not "fix"... .but likely calm some things.

Interested?

FF

[Notwendy]

I think this is a common pattern, maybe not in the same intensity. Since BPD affects the most intimate of relationships the most, unfortunately for those closest to them, it affects family first.

pwBPD have a poor sense of self. To me, Dr. Jeckyll isn't real.  It's a mask. It also takes tremendous emotional energy to maintain the Dr. Jeckyll persona. When the pwBPD is at home, he/she must feel safer- and can let down the mask. Mr. Hyde is an angry, insecure, and feeling unloved child. He'd rather be Dr. Jeckyll but knows that Dr. Jeckyll isn't real. He wants love and learned somewhere that to get it was to be someone else- Dr. Jeckyll, but even though Dr. Jeckyll gets lots of admiration, it doesn't really do what Mr. Hyde wants- be accepted for who he is and if he is an abusive person, that really gets tough for people to love him.

I didn't have the same situation but there was a similar pattern. What is different is the degree of verbal abuse- he didn't call me names or threaten violence, but there was the anger that seemed to come out of nowhere, and like you, I felt lonely and depressed. He had time for everyone else- he is wonderful to others and actually many people hero worship him. His family has him on a pedestal. He's Mr. Amazing at work, and he spent so much time away from home being Mr. Amazing, he was rarely home with me and the kids.

I also felt much like you do- seeing him be different with others and I took it personally. Of course he blamed me- made me feel I was not deserving of his attention.

I was also raised in a dysfunctional family with a BPD mom. Since my H is so much milder than she is, I didn't recognize the patterns or behaviors until much later. He doesn't destroy things. BPD mom will trash the house when she is dysregulated. She was amazing to acquaintances and friends and a different person at home. Nobody saw this, and in fact, if we kids said something, nobody believed us. This, I believed, is one reason I tolerated dysfunctional behaviors in relationships.

As FF mentioned, there are steps to help you. I don't know if you will stay or leave, but in either case, you can help yourself by not taking his behavior personally- it isn't about you, but his own issues. I hope that you can learn to believe you are worthy of being treated respectfully- and you don't need a romantic partner to boost your self confidence. You can work on building it up yourself. Treat yourself kindly. Counseling can help you to do this.

I fell in love with Dr. Jeckyll and then, Mr Hyde appeared. I spent a long time trying to please him so I could get Dr. Jeckyll back to me. Personally, I had to stop wanting Dr. Jeckyll, and I actually at this point don't like Dr. Jeckyll much. I see the mask and it doesn't feel right to me. I also don't want Mr. Hyde. I am still with my H, and so who do I get? I realized that these personas were extremes of the person I am married to. He has good qualities and he's human like everyone else. I'd rather have a real person than a perfect ( and not real) Dr. Jeckyll.

I also have my boundaries and my relationship did not include name calling and physical abuse. There were other things- the silent treatment, rage outbursts that were very difficult to deal with. I was not in danger of physical abuse ,and if you are, I would recommend counseling and any personal changes be discussed with a counselor. There are ways to deal with verbal abuse. I recommend the books by Patricia Evans about verbal abuse and one of them "Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You" describes your situation well.

I had to accept that I can't change my H by trying to be good enough for him to spend more time at home or be attentive to me. I am already good enough-it isn't about me. I learned to be OK with myself- I have friends, and other activities I enjoy. I realized that my idea of "close" is probably too close to him. That's his boundary and I learned I had to expect it. Other people may choose to not stay in such a relationship but I did and also we have children together. He adores his kids and is good to them. I also share that value. I think everyone here needs to consider their own unique situation when deciding to stay or leave. Once he felt less pressure to be Dr. Jeckyll at home ( because I wanted that), I get more of his nice side than when I was pushing him for it.




 

[Cat Familiar]

pwBPD have a poor sense of self. To me, Dr. Jeckyll isn't real.  It's a mask. It also takes tremendous emotional energy to maintain the Dr. Jeckyll persona. When the pwBPD is at home, he/she must feel safer- and can let down the mask. Mr. Hyde is an angry, insecure, and feeling unloved child. He'd rather be Dr. Jeckyll but knows that Dr. Jeckyll isn't real. He wants love and learned somewhere that to get it was to be someone else- Dr. Jeckyll, but even though Dr. Jeckyll gets lots of admiration, it doesn't really do what Mr. Hyde wants- be accepted for who he is and if he is an abusive person, that really gets tough for people to love him.

As Notwendy describes so well, it must be truly exhausting to maintain the good guy or good gal persona. My mother could only do it for so long in public and then she'd be totally drained and at that point all the nastiness that she'd kept within would be unleashed on my dad and me.

I see a similar pattern with my husband. He's so incredibly polite and charming in public, but then he's totally exhausted afterwards. Fortunately he usually doesn't let loose his alter ego upon me, but he's much higher functioning than my mother.

Years after my mother passed away I reconnected with some friends from high school. I was rather amused that they spoke so highly of her. They certainly didn't see the side I saw as I was growing up. 

[Red5]

As Notwendy describes so well, it must be truly exhausting to maintain the good guy or good gal persona. My mother could only do it for so long in public and then she'd be totally drained and at that point all the nastiness that she'd kept within would be unleashed on my dad and me.

This is funny to me, but’s its really not, as it’s quite the indication of how completely clueless I was when I first met my udx BPD wife.

I remember the first date, the subsequent dating... .she seemed so perfect, so easy going... .she told me I was a quiet and peaceful man, she told me she loved me via txt msg one night after she left my place... .yeah; txt msg  !

She was in love with me at about week three of the dating... .I did take pause but was too chicken to question her on it... .

I remember telling her, “I don’t think you could ever make me mad”... .

This is the ideation phase... .she loved bombed me pretty good, and I was easy pickings ... .

Looking back, all the stuff she must have been keeping back, ha ha ha... .she must have gotten back home and screamed her lungs out!

I must have driven her crazy... .because I am pretty sure I am the same guy now as I was back then, but now I have ability to drive her absolute crazy with anger... .

Yeah... .it’s funny buts it’s not.

She sure put on a good show... .for quite a while before we started to quarrel... .I’d say about six months,

Ancient history now... .that quiet and peaceful man has sure learned a whole h3llava lot over the last ten years !

Hang in there AskingWhy,

Keep posting and get it all out!

Best Regards Red5 

[Notwendy]

I recall meeting some of my mother's friends recently and they told me how wonderful she is. They think her kids are just horrible for not visiting frequently and bringing her to live near one of us.

There was an elderly woman in our community who we visited. She seemed lovely. Her children were hardly ever there. I didn't question it. I don't know if they were selfish children or she mistreated them but I don't jump to conclusions considering my own situation.

I think we all have a different public persona to some extent but it isn't as extreme as Jeckyll/Hyde. I am more formal at work than with people close to me, but I am still basically me. I can't imagine how it must feel to have nearly two different "faces" for public and private.

[Cat Familiar]

AskingWhy,
Your list of all the noble attributes that other people perceive in your husband reminded me of attending a memorial service for a former boyfriend's father many years ago.

My boyfriend was really traumatized by his father who beat him and he left home early to join the army to avoid a drunken father who would rage at him. Over the years his dad quit drinking but his son still considered that he behaved as a "dry drunk" and kept him at a distance. As years passed, his father built a successful business and was quite comfortable financially.

During the memorial service, several men, a few years younger than my boyfriend, stood up and sang the praises of their former employer. The stories were all the same. He had mentored them when they had had difficult beginnings in life and through what he taught them, both in business and about life, they were now highly successful and happy.

My boyfriend was totally amazed at how differently others saw and experienced his father. I think it triggered feelings of "Why couldn't he have done that for me?"

Cat

[Red5]

My boyfriend was totally amazed at how differently others saw and experienced his father. I think it triggered feelings of "Why couldn't he have done that for me?"

Dads... .

My dear old mum never married dear old dad, dad was a drunken womanizing Indian lawyer... .mum told me that he was “not ready to marry or be a father”... .and as a fetus my life was worth a couple of hundred bucks to him ... .“dear old mum and dad”

So dear old mum left her career that of an air force nurse (1960 something) and left Montana, and came back home, to the south... .when I was born... .I was snatched up by my grandparents... .long story but a good one !

Fast forward... .I met dear old dad finally at age sixteen, against the will of my grandfather... .again... .“dear old mum”,

Fast forward again.

Dear old dad passes away after I got home from aircraft carrier (CVN-65) deployment in 2004 something... .by now I’d found out that I have another half brother (younger) and three half sisters, that’s pretty cool!

You see dear old dad was finally the victim of a “shotgun” wedding as those old school Montana ranchers don’t mess around when it comes to their beautiful red headed daughter(s) !

So my B wants me to fly up to the funeral... .I say I can’t really due to still having sea legs from eight months of living aboard ship... .B says don’t worry my brother, we will keep him here until you can get here,

So I hope a flight from SC to MT, and I get to the funeral home the day after the service... .there is dear old dad naked as the day he was born and resting under a tribal blanket... .I kissed him on his forehead and said “goodbye dad”.

Now get this, the next day, we go to spread his ashes / scatter up on wolf mountain there by the res.

As we pull into a gas station for trail provisions we met our much older brother whom I had no idea of... .“surprise!”

Ah’ yes, dear old dad !

And when we got back we went to see some tribal elders and they proceeded to tell me and new older B how great dear old dad was, what he had done for the tribe through the decades of his life (lawyer = oil and gas rights for tribe)... .and how great a father he was to his children... .hmmm,

No worries, I survived thanks to Granny and Grandpa!... .and the Marine Corps... .

I remember the first time I met him (16)... .he was in Houston doing oil and gas stuff for the tribe... .I tell you them Indians can party!

Our very first night together we got drunk and chased hookers inside a very nice and swanky hotel ther in downtown Houston... .ah’ yes, dad was a blast to be around !

He was a big family man !

H3ll even his ex wife came to his funeral !

No Joke!

My halves and me always wonder... .are there anymore out there somewhere... .if so, we want to meet them ; )

Red5

[formflier]

Red5,

You are the man!   Thanks for sharing the story.

Spend much time in Montana other than that trip?  Awesome state!

FF 

[Red5]

Spend much time in Montana other than that trip?  Awesome state!

I’ve only been up there for Dad’s wake, and then again right before I retired from the Corps... .baby sister got married in Butte... .her middle  sister lives in Great Falls, our older brother lives in Cutt Bank, the other two, younger brother and oldest sister live in other states... .Washington State and Illinois... .

Yes it absolutely beautiful up there ! Not to give too much away , they were all raised in Browning on the res.

Changing gears here ; )
AskingWhy writes... .

I have a list now.  I did not know just how long it was as I had not looked at it for some time.   It's easy to forget all those times when H was dyregulating and being less than a husband should.

AskingWhy, I too made a long list when I first arrived here and posted it, it was pretty long, I go back and read that old post sometimes... .things are substantially better now since I’ve learned the tools here, she; udx BPD wife has not changed... .however I have changed the way I react to her endless behaviors... .it’s day thirteen here in Red5’s house of “low contact” ST... .I have to say that since we have both imposed this upon each other reciprocally... .that it has been very peaceful around here, and my stress meter is certainly not pegged... .I’ve even lost seven pounds !

Kind regards AskingWhy!, Red5