The pros and cons of separation

[AskingWhy]

In another thread, Cat Familiar suggested I take the MOSAIC test to predict incidents and severities of my uBPD/uNPD dysregulating.

My score was 7 out of 10.  This made me sit up and ponder my marriage to H.

I became interested in the research of the author of the test and bought his "The Gift of Fear."  The book deals with predictors of violent behaviour in individuals who have a history of violence or have other indicative factors.

The book was of interest to me as H, when he dysregulates, calls me names, breaks furniture, punches holes in the wall, threatens divorce, silent treatment and withholding of affection to punish me.  Years ago, in context of divorce and separation of assets, H threatened to burn down the house, which we own jointly, so that I would no get my portion of it.

I am really getting tired of this and am now seriously pondering the pros and cons of separation.  To be honest, H is more in love with his children than me. I explained that this is so because BPDs see their children as extensions of themselves.  He is still living the guilt he had when his uNPD X W left him when she had an affair and divorced him, taking the children to live with her and her new H.  H is always going overboard for expensive gifts for his adult children while giving me just a card and flowers.  H is not in poverty.  He is a retired military man and now with a professional second career.  Family members have noted how cheap his gifts to me are.  The jewellery he gives his daughters is like what one would give a wife--or a mistress.  (And these are married women! I wonder how their husbands feel about this.)  My brother works in a mostly-male field and showed his colleagues what my H got me for a 20th anniversary jewellery item and they all laughed in disbelief.  They could not believe the cheap item H bought for me on a professional man's income.  My T said the issue is not money, but the symbolism of the item, especially when he showers his children with expensive gifts.  (The son usually receives cash which likely go to drugs.)  When I expressed my disappointment to H, he became enraged, of course.  He called me ungrateful b****.  No surprise here.

Thank you, Cat, for sending me the link to the MOSAIC test.  I am further in my path to dealing with my BPD H.  

[Notwendy]

As you know, this is a personal decision- everyone's pros and cons are different- some people have other considerations such as children. I think in general there are some universal concerns: Staying or leaving are both difficult decisions to make, but I think people arrive at the decision that is the better one for them. With the exception of imminent physical danger- where one has to leave immediately- the decision to stay or leave may take some time. The process can also involve self growth and self discovery.

With an abusive relationship there is also safety concerns. The time of leaving is often the most dangerous time as the abusive spouse is facing abandonment fears and dysregulates. It is important to have a safety plan. Looking into this does not mean you have decided to leave, but if you do, it must be done safely. I hope you are in contact with a professional counselor about how to do this. If not, you can contact a DV hotline for assistance with this and a referral.

Leaving or staying is really about you. Something about you ( your family background, enabling tendencies) led you to get involved in this relationship. This isn't about fault or blaming you. It's about learning about your own tendencies, gaining good boundaries, and working on enabling traits. I read once that if someone leaves a difficult relationship and does not do the work of self growth, they are prone to entering another relationship with a similar pattern. You can do this personal work whether you are in a relationship or not, whether you stay or leave.

When I was in college, I had a friend who married young and left an abusive relationship. She was an attractive and intelligent girl and many nice men had asked her out on dates. Yet, somehow she had no "chemistry" with any of them. She eventually began dating another man who wasn't good for her. I found that pattern puzzling- she had the chance for something different but it didn't work for her. Why?

Later I found myself in a difficult marriage. It was not physically abusive and we have children, so these were two factors in the "not leaving" side for me along with others, but I did not like the way he treated me. He also would be nicer and more generous to other people than me- with his time and attention and treating them nicer. I remembered my friend- something about me contributed to this relationship- and that was my family background ( BPD mother) and co-dependent/enabling tendencies. I chose to work on them first. I didn't know if this would lead to staying or leaving- I knew that if there was any hope of change, I had to change these patterns for myself. However I also had to learn to say no and not fear my H's anger. Had he been abusive physically, it may not have been safe to do so.

Each of us is different with different circumstances. If you are not in counseling about this, I think that is a good investment in yourself. ( I did it)

[Cat Familiar]

I'm glad that the MOSAIC test has been helpful to you, AskingWhy. You're doing an excellent job with all your reading and research about the mental health disorders that affect your husband. Knowledge is power.  

Notwendy has made some excellent points about putting a safety plan in place.

Perhaps you could list out some of your pros and cons about staying and leaving here on this thread.

Cat

[AskingWhy]

Notwendy and Cat, thank you for the responses.

I an rereading Bancroft's "Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved."  It's a great book about abusive relationships.  It's a companion book to, "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." 

It does not discuss PDs clinically in any way, and simply guides the reader in how to assess a relationship and decide what to do.  I have undertaken a large introspection to do this.

I do have a T with whom I am discussing this.  The first step is admitting that your H has a huge problem that won't likely go away, and that I have the power to stay or leave.  I feel more empowered than ever in 20 years of marriage to a pwBPD.

[Tattered Heart]

I do have a T with whom I am discussing this.  The first step is admitting that your H has a huge problem that won't likely go away, and that I have the power to stay or leave.  I feel more empowered than ever in 20 years of marriage to a pwBPD.

This is what's most important. Deciding for yourself, no matter what you choose. And not just deciding, but knowing that you have the power to choose.

[Cat Familiar]

It really is freeing, knowing that you can choose to exit, should you want.    

When I got to that point in my marriage, so much internal conflict melted away. I knew that things would be tough and that getting through a divorce with a raging anger-holic would be no picnic. What I discovered was that I had a tremendous amount of internal strength at my disposal, once I was no longer dealing with all his emotional crises and I could put the energy towards my own best interests.

He still had his rages and certainly threw roadblocks in my path, but I was past the point of trying to help or "fix" his issues. He could have them in his own private world and I had to deal with the blowback, but I certainly made sure to steer clear of the firefight.

[AskingWhy]

It really is freeing, knowing that you can choose to exit, should you want.    

When I got to that point in my marriage, so much internal conflict melted away. I knew that things would be tough and that getting through a divorce with a raging anger-holic would be no picnic. What I discovered was that I had a tremendous amount of internal strength at my disposal, once I was no longer dealing with all his emotional crises and I could put the energy towards my own best interests.

He still had his rages and certainly threw roadblocks in my path, but I was past the point of trying to help or "fix" his issues. He could have them in his own private world and I had to deal with the blowback, but I certainly made sure to steer clear of the firefight.

I know this feeling now, Cat. It's a sense of calm knowing I can leave at any time and of my own choosing.  Also, should H file for divorce first, I can face it with a calm confidence knowing my H is utterly insane. I know he is in torment, but that is not my fault and I am not to be his punching bag.  This is clear in "Eggshells."  I also have a copy of Eddy's "Splitting," so I know how to prepare.

[Cat Familiar]

AskingWhy,
As an exercise, have you listed out pros and cons about staying and leaving? Would you like to do this here so we can troubleshoot your list?

Cat