How regular were the bad times or rows in your relationship?

[toughday]

Hi All

As part of the healing process i've been journaling and i started cataloguing all of the bad times, rows, outbursts and red flags during the two years and three months i was with my uBPDgf. As she split from me ive been doing it to try and give myself a realistic perspective on the relationship rather than just remember the good times with the hope that it will help with detaching as i am finding it infinitely harder than i imagined it would be.

The one thing that has really surprised me is the amount of incidents. in two years and three months there were over 140 separate incidents. Now these range from a snappy, belittling put down to full blown physical abuse. I really can't believe how often she would be nasty especially considering it took two months for the first nasty comment to happen and for 3/4 of that time we weren't living together and only saw each other 2-3 times a week at most.

As i read through the list i often find myself getting quite anxious which i think shows just how traumatic the past two years have been. Also the fact that i can even remember 140 separate moments is testament to how toxic those moments must have been psychologically.

As mentioned previously some of the incidents were nothing more than a nasty comment and if read by someone out of context from the list they would think it was a storm in a tea cup and i was being melodramatic but reading through the list its interesting that often it wasn't what she said that had the impact but the way that it was said. There was an energy to them that its hard to describe. Her expression would change and a dark cloud would come across her face and her voice would become really vindictive.

Also one of the aspects of the relationship that i am struggling with is the person that i became and the things that i said and did and this list has really helped me put my behaviour into context. As my counsellor says i was under attack and was in fight or flight mode so its understandable to react to this constant provocation and everyone would change to survive.

I am stunned that there was a memorable nasty incident at least every 5 days for over two years and that i tolerated that and stayed in the relationship and it only ended when she thought my behaviour crossed a line. it also got me thinking how often were the bad moments in your relationship? Were they daily, weekly monthly? and what was the balance between good and bad times? If i think back the bad clearly outweighed the good by quite a margin especially after we moved in together. That was when things really went downhill very fast. I am just curious to know of other peoples experiences.

Ollie

[bus boy]

Ex wife and I didn't row often. If I argued back she got mean and belittling and threatening but the bad times were pretty regular especially after we were married. Ex wife never let any peaceful time be, she had to start with abusiveness mostly emotional, for example she would say out of the blue just because things seem good they are not and never will be until you do this or change that about your self. It was always a pins and needles situation never any peace. I was often to scared to talk or bring up a topic for fear of what I might be met with so I often said nothing, tried hard to be invisible.

[Red5]

As i read through the list i often find myself getting quite anxious which i think shows just how traumatic the past two years have been. Also the fact that i can even remember 140 separate moments is testament to how toxic those moments must have been psychologically.

Journaling, keeping track... ie' metrics... .

Get a "load" of this Ollie (toughday)... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317371.msg12918126#msg12918126

I wrote that thread almost a year ago now... .and guess what!

... .as of today I am in day thirteen of LC (low contact) ST (silent treatment); as of today, another thirteen daze my friend... .NOTHING HAS CHANGED  !
*how many days of this have I endured?
*how many night have I spelt on the couch in my office?
*how many times has she made me feel absolutely horrible?
*how many times have I "apologized" for "my" behavior, and taken ALL the blame?

Jesus Lord and Savor !

How many incidents have occurred since November of 2017, how many before that, going ALL the way back to when we first met in two thousand and seven... .since I last counted them up... .I don't want to know anymore.

Its been friggen ten months (laughing hysterically!)... .I'll NEVER learn will I !

Ten years in, seven married... .

This is a great thread, I hope many will offer their experiences as well.

Best Wishes, Red5

[Lucky Jim]

one of the aspects of the relationship that i am struggling with is the person that i became and the things that i said and did

Hey td, Don't beat yourself up!  I did some things I'm not proud of in the heat of the moment, in response to bullying and goading.  Hey, you're human!  Suggest you practice self-compassion.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

I've got to comment as I look back, I know I was perhaps a perfectionist, maybe particular, maybe controlling to a degree.  Maybe I was unrealistic in what I thought marriage was.  Maybe I had a totally wrong assessment of who my wife was.  I wasn't the perfect husband for a lot of reasons.  But, I know I was happy, full of love, passion and life back when I got married.  Marriage poisoned that. 
Slowly, over the years of silent treatment, rejection, blame shifting, projection, passive aggressions, and honest-to-goodness being convinced everything _was_ my fault, I couldn't have kept track of the number of rages, rows, and myriad other abuses - I simply wouldn't have seen them as such.  I would have blamed myself.  I was pushed down a slope of self-blame.  I was terribly unhappy, and when unhappy and hopeless, I acted badly too.
Not to make excuses, but in a sense, my only way that I knew to fight fire was with fire. 
I'm different now.  I have been through the fire. I'm educated now in BPD. I can control myself, identify abuse.  I can avoid (generally) doing JADE.  Although sometimes I get riled up and actually want an argument in the name of justice and self-defence, I generally see things much more differently today.  And, I act better.  And that influences those around me. 
Ironically, now that I have the awareness to keep track of serious emotional abuse, my wife's worst behavior has stopped. 

Keeping a journal is important.  I see that now.  I'd have sold myself a divorce by now if I had good records.  Instead I'm left sort of doubting myself, my feelings, and my interpretations of the past.  A sort of Catch-22.  Still married, and able to sort of cope now.

[once removed]

If i think back the bad clearly outweighed the good by quite a margin especially after we moved in together. That was when things really went downhill very fast.

this is, unfortunately not uncommon. living with another person is hard.

we didnt live together, but we were rarely apart. the rows were almost daily. we fought hard.

at the time, i would tell her the bad outweighed the good. i remember saying it was as great as 90% bad.

if that was true, there were some things to examine there, for me.

[bus boy]

As my relationship with ex wife got more committed the worse it got. The emotional abuse and abuse towards my family escalated after we moved in together, worse after we were married and completely out of control after she got pregnant and after the birth of our son.

[Starfire]

Every 3-5 days, like clock work, there was some sort of dysregulation.  Sometimes it was mild, sometimes it was terrible, but always 3-5 days.