uBPDmom hates the therapist...

[ForeverDad]

uBPDmom has requested that H not be present at all that day - that uBPDmom picks SD up from school, takes her to the appointment, and then brings her back to school (for the last 20 minutes of the day).  H was going to agree, but after listening to my concerns I think he will allow uBPDmom to pick SD up, then he will arrive just after the session starts and sit in the waiting room in case SD needs him, and then he will bring her home to our house.

She was wanting total control of the visit.  A concern is that a child could morph into timid or appeasement mode knowing that the parent had control before, during and after.

I recall when CPS interviewed my son, he had just started kindergarten the month before.  At the time his mother had temp custody and temp majority time.  CPS didn't have her bring him in to their offices nor interview in her house.  They chose to arrive unannounced at his school and spoke with him there.  (The case was eventually closed.)  I felt school wasn't a totally totally neutral place, she drove him there and picked him up there.  But it did work.

Just make sure SD knows H is nearby and can support.

[david]

And if H is not there then he can be portrayed as the evil monster my ex portrayed me as in our boys first therapy meeting. Ex picked the T and I only found out later. I contacted the T to say I wanted to be involved.
The T said after the first time I was there that the boys were very different. Ex was not there and they were behaving like "regular" kids. From what I gathered they were acting out the other three times. I took them there a few times and the T said she didn't think the boys and I needed to come anymore. She thought it was best if ex came herself. I never found out what went on in the beginning.

[worriedStepmom]

SD saw the T by herself yesterday, as prep for the "family therapy".  She told him that she "is not scared about Wednesday yet, but [she] might be by then." He told me she is much stronger than most kids her age.  T promised he will stop the session immediately if uBPDmom loses her temper or dysregulates and starts verbally attacking him.  I will be surprised if they make it past 30 minutes.

I asked SD whether she wanted mom or dad to take her to the appointment.  She didn't even let me finish the question.  She mistakenly thought Wed was her mom's night, and she wanted H to pick her up from school, wait outside, then after the session take her to her band lesson, then mom could pick her up from there.  She was relieved when I reminded her that she is out our house that night.

uBPDmom flipped out when H let her know about the change of plan.  She called SD (who was waiting for the school bus) and demanded to know why SD wouldn't let mom pick her up.  SD cried and wouldn't say anything.  So mom texted the T to cancel the appointment "because SD is anxious about it, and I don't want her to be anxious".  I seriously don't understand why she thought SD wouldn't be anxious or worried in some way about it.  If SD was perfectly fine and calm all the time, she wouldn't need therapy... .but then, I guess, mom doesn't think she actually needs therapy.

H was very firm with mom that this is her one chance for a family session with SD.  SD is going regardless of whether mom shows up.  Mom agreed to go... .and now she's acting as if H is forcing her to participate.  Mom says she feels "cornered" and that this will be a "stone-throwing party".

If SD wasn't in tears, it would be funny.

[Panda39]

Mom is projecting her own anxiety on to SD  I'm sorry SD had to go through that... .par for the course unfortunately   Wouldn't be surprised if mom has more dysregulated episodes between now and Wednesday.

It will be interesting if mom shows up... .Fear/Anxiety vs relationship with daughter/keeping up appearances (super mom!)

Your SD is doing great!  Strong kid   

Keep us posted,
Panda39

[worriedStepmom]

uBPDmom worked herself into a state, made worse because neither the T nor my H would answer one of her dozens of phone calls.  She has zero ability to understand that you can't answer the phone if you are with a client.

She just called the school, had them pull SD out of class, and told SD that she is to stay at our house until she stops feeling anxiety about either the idea of family therapy or about talking to her mom - I'm not sure which.  uBPDmom says that SD is fine with that.

She will not be getting SD for her regular visitation tonight - even if uBPDmom changes her mind and shows up, she will have to deal with me before she will be able to see SD, and today is one of those rare days she has actual reason to be afraid of what I will say.

[worriedStepmom]

H was right.  This week was a turning point in SD's relationship with her mom.

SD is FED UP. 

She told us "Mom has had anxiety for at least 5 years.  If she won't come get me until my nonexistent anxiety is gone, that means she either expects me to magically get over anxiety in a week - which she can't do herself and she's a grownup and I'm a kid -  or she doesn't want to see me for 5 years."

SD refused to talk to uBPDmom on Tuesday night, other than "You said I could talk to you when I'm ready.  I'm not ready right now."  uBPDmom showed up at our house at 9 pm and demanded that H wake SD up because mom needed to talk to her (um, NO).   Mom spent half an hour talking at H on the front porch.  She "can't be a mom if [she] only sees SD 2 days a week", and H should give her more time, mixed with "SD is doing so much better at my house lately".  She can't see the connection between those 2 statements. She asked H if she could take SD to a different therapist for 'family therapy'.

So we have now confirmed the pattern.  She's going to continue to schedule family sessions to prove she's a good mom. She will use H's refusal to send SD to a new therapist to prove she's a victim, and if he agrees to family therapy she will invent a crisis to get out of going.  She feels like she is fighting for her child without actually doing anything.

mom did not show up at the T appointment, so SD worked on language she will use when mom pressures SD to prove she wants to go with mom. ('I love you and I am looking forward to seeing you the next time you come to pick me up.')  H will start using similar language.  On the way home, SD told me what she'd learned about boundaries, and we talked about how boundaries are a way of proving to yourself that what you need is just as important as what the other person needs or wants.

uBPDmom continued to nag SD to talk to her, and scolded her for not immediately answering uBPDmom's texts.  SD responded a few minutes later, "I'm busy doing other things", and uBPDmom texted "but I am your MOTHER".

SD was angry.  She showed me the phone and said, "that's not fair.  Just because she's my mom it doesn't mean I have to drop everything." 

mom segued into her usual punishment of "well, maybe you should stay with daddy this weekend."  Rather than use her new script, SD said "ok, I do think I want to stay with daddy this weekend and not go to your house."  It is the first time she has EVER expressed a desire to not go to either parent's house on a scheduled time.  I asked SD if she could articulate why she doesn't want to go.  She started to say something and then stopped.  "I don't want to talk about that right now, stepmom.  I'll just say I have things I need to think about."  She had a calculating look, so I'm pretty sure she was testing me.  I gave her a hug, told her Daddy and I will support her wishes but that she can't stay here until she's 107 so eventually we'll have to talk about it, and then turned the TV on.   We just cuddled and watched until H got home, then she climbed in his lap and cried a little.

uBPDmom called H and told him she was packing all SD's stuff and he should come pick up everything including the cats (that H and I are allergic to).  He told her SD deserved a time out after the crap mom pulled this week, and that in 10 days uBPDmom should show up at our house on time to pick her up and be a mom. 

uBPDmom claims she made an appointment to see a T for herself.

I am so freaking proud of SD. 

[livednlearned]

SD told me what she'd learned about boundaries, and we talked about how boundaries are a way of proving to yourself that what you need is just as important as what the other person needs or wants.

Amen to that.

It took me into my 40s to learn that. How awesome that SD12 is learning it now! And right before her teen years, too  

Telling you she didn't want to talk about things right away is interesting.

When S17 learned about boundaries from his T, it kinda rocked my world a bit because we were so close. Then he started to pull away, compounded by teen years and a need for more privacy in general. All good. But I think the "boundaries" can also isolate them a bit if they use that language to not process how they feel.

I think it's good you said that she would need to talk about it eventually. Sometimes I think my son uses "boundaries" as a way to not sort through how he's feeling. He wants to donate the ukulele his dad gave him to the music program at school, and I feel like that needs to get discussed. "I'm not ready to talk about it" seems more like "I don't know how I feel and you're a complicated person to discuss this with," so I just say, "This is something T can help you work through -- at the very least, please give it a few weeks before you feel confident that it's exactly what you want to do."

[worriedStepmom]

Telling you she didn't want to talk about things right away is interesting.

When S17 learned about boundaries from his T, it kinda rocked my world a bit because we were so close. Then he started to pull away, compounded by teen years and a need for more privacy in general. All good. But I think the "boundaries" can also isolate them a bit if they use that language to not process how they feel.
 

I suspect she was testing me to see if I would push her to talk immediately or actually back off.

SD is normally very hesitant to talk to us about her mom or how she feels about her mom.  SD saves most of that for the therapist.  I'm thrilled with the amount she's opened up to us voluntarily this week already.  When she started to tell me about boundaries and what the T said to her I was so shocked I pulled into a parking lot and stopped the car so I could focus.  Usually she doesn't share more than "I feel better after talking to the T."

Our plan is to wait until Saturday or Sunday and revisit.  That gives her a few days to think AND a few days to see how mom reacts (which I suspect is part of whatever plan SD has).  We need to make sure that SD has a good understanding of why she is making her choices and that she's setting boundaries and consequences appropriately.  Punishing mom is not good.  Giving yourself a break to deal with or recover from harsh emotions is good.  Hiding because you're worried about mom's reactions may be good (if you're working on skills to de-escalate or manage your own emotions) or bad (if you're just postponing the inevitable). 

[Panda39]

worriedStepmom,

You have every reason to be proud of your SD   She is doing a fantastic job managing all of this!

So not surprised mom didn't show   Your SD has emotionally passed her mother by.

uBPDmom continued to nag SD to talk to her, and scolded her for not immediately answering uBPDmom's texts.  SD responded a few minutes later, "I'm busy doing other things", and uBPDmom texted "but I am your MOTHER".

SD was angry.  She showed me the phone and said, "that's not fair.  Just because she's my mom it doesn't mean I have to drop everything."

She recognized the FOG and defended her Boundaries! Yay! She's rocking it! It isn't always easy for sure but she is managing a lot of tough stuff really well.

I'm with you,  I'm really proud of her too 

Panda39

[worriedStepmom]

uBPDmom has filed an ethics complaint against SD11's T with the state board, because "it is unethical to alienate a child from a parent if you haven't met that parent."  (She has told H that all forms of boundaries from SD and any validation that SD thinks uBPDmom has issues are forms of parental alienation.) I feel bad that he's going to have to fill out extra paperwork over this.

Yesterday evening I arranged for SD11 to spend a few hours with one of her best friends.  I think she really needed that.  SD told the friend's mom that she didn't sleep well Wednesday night, and that she spent half of her lunch period yesterday hiding in the bathroom.  She glossed over it when H asked about it and said she was only in the bathroom for a minute.

H has a program that copies all of SD's texts to a gmail account, but when he checked it there were no red flags.  Just a long text convo with uBPDmom yesterday evening that was really normal - no pressure, just funny stories.  (I am really happy that uBPDmom was able to do that.)

On the way to school I gave instructions to SD on where I will pick her up this afternoon.  SD looked at me really puzzled and asked, "Isn't it mama's weekend?"  I said "Yes, but I thought you didn't want to go there this weekend.  If you changed your mind, that's perfectly fine.  mom can still pick you up." 

SD said, "Oh, I forgot I said that. I do want to stay here with you and Daddy." 

I didn't want to make a big deal about it because we aren't sharing all the drama with the other kids and D12 was in the car, and we were almost at the school, but I'm not sure what to think about that exchange.

[david]

It sounds like SD is dealing with a lot of stuff and she probably just forgot. Our youngest was 4.5 when we separated. Ex out him in kindergarten when he was 5. He just met the legal requirement for age. He repeated kindergarten and I remember the teacher telling me he would go to the bathroom and be in there for an unusual amount of time. I think he was overwhelmed with everything going on in his life. Those first few years were the toughest for him and there was no way I could discuss any of it with ex. I learned very quickly that the best course of action from me was to parallel parent. Anything I shared with ex would be used to try to alienate him from me. His head must have been spinning. Separating that way created a dilemma for ex and her solution was to create her own reality. Eventually both our boys figured out their mom was not making sense. I believe they challenged her perceptions a few times only to feel her wrath.
Our boys are 19 and 15 now. This last mothers day ex told them that I am the number two supplier of marijuana in the city of Phila. She claims my mother told her all about. My mother passed away about two years ago. She further claimed that I am growing it in the city limits in a park within the city limits. They did laugh at her because it was so farfetched and she got angry. She then dug her heels in and tried to convince them even more. When they came home they talked to me about it. I just listened. 

[livednlearned]

Maybe for her: the crisis passed and she felt safe, let down her guard and wasn't tracking things closely because there are healthy loving adults who are doing that for her   

[worriedStepmom]

I think you are both right.

When school got out Friday, SD called her mom and said mom could pick her up at 3 pm on Saturday for the remainder of the weekend.  Mom works on Sundays during the day, so they really just had the two evenings together; SD spent Sunday with her grandmother.

H told SD she either needed to talk us through her thought process in making these decisions, or else she'd have to talk it through with her T at her next session.  She smiled and said she knew that; she was planning to talk to the T.

She came home this morning all smiles.  Told me that mom took her out for an ice cream date on Saturday and they talked for a long time.  We have SD until next Monday evening, so hopefully it will be calm here for at least a few days.