My daughter is homeless again.

[jones54]

My 33 yo BPD daughter is again homeless. Over the winter till this past March she was doing heroin and living in a homeless shelter because we would no longer support her in any way. She finally gave in and went to rehab for 90 days. She did great and her attitude was wonderful. After the 90 days she went to a halfway house. She got a job and seemed to be doing well till this past weekend and was kicked out for not doing her chores and going to AA meetings 5 days a week (at least that is what she says... .she denies relapsing). Her mother (my ex) was livid and dropped her at a seedy motel she requested to go to (she lived there before years ago for a bit). She is now texting me complaining she has terrible parents letting her be homeless. Last year we put up a boundary and said we would no longer financially support her. She got herself kicked out of the halfway house and now is blaming us for her being homeless and that we do not love her by doing this. She has not lived with either of us for 10 plus years (but was supported by paying her rent). After her most recent relapse and with the help of a counselor we stopped any monetary support. My biggest concern is that she will relapse again but I know I have no control over this. I honestly believe she does not want to go back to the homeless shelter. She has some money since she was working. I am not sure I can deal with her chaos anymore. Her mother wants nothing to do with her and is better than me stepping completely back with no contact. Others have told me to let her figure this out which I know is what I have to do. She is 33 years old and I DO NOT want to live in the shadow of her chaos for the rest of my life. I fear she will never get it. She does not have any close friends. She cannot get along with people. She was part of the reason for the break up of my marriage and has been an obstacle for me and my girlfriend moving ahead. She has messed up my life (or maybe I have allowed her to). So hard when you so badly want good things to happen and the rug always gets pulled out from under you. We have tried everything, supporting her then not supporting her and she still messes up. She manipulates my feelings since she knows she can get at me better than her mother who has tougher skin. Sometimes I wish she would just go away so I would have some prolonged peace in my life. I know that sounds terrible. Having expectations only leads to disappointment with BPD's. I know I need to stay stepped back and let her figure this out, but so hard to do (just like I did before). This is a roller coaster I want so badly to get off. Sorry to drag on but this is one of the only places where people understand what a parent goes thru with BPD children.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

jones

I'm sorry, you've been through so much, so much with your daughter, she was doing so well   I saw your earlier post where you shared the familiar patterns of previous behaviours returning, feelings towards you, your girlfriend... .divide and conquer.

I understand your biggest concern is she relapses again. The good folk at the shelter helped her through, she knows where to get the help she needs. My DD knows too, where, who to go for help in crisis, she's learnt and this is very important, empowering. It's not that we love each other less, the opposite more. I'm wondering how your local services work in your neighbourhood for vulnerable people like our girls? I'm a mum, you are a dad.

Peace to you.

WDx

[jones54]

Thanks WD. She is not at the homeless shelter at this point. She is living at a motel that is not in a great area. I feel she knows where to go for help. Maybe she has already has but will never tell me (a form of manipulation). She fully plays the FOG on me. I am not very strong in this regard and she knows it. She is telling me that she wants nothing to do with me and that her parents are terrible people for not helping her. We have done so much for her thru the years and nothing seems to make a difference. When she is in rehab and gets counseling she is better. But once she is out things always get worse. She knows what she needs to do but for some reason falls down and it is everyone else's fault.
I need help in having acceptance. I have such a hard time with this. I seem to not to be able to let go. I honestly have been losing hope that this will all never change. I hate how I feel. I see a therapist which helps to a degree. I just never seem strong enough to fully step back and let her figure out life on her own. I do not support her financially except pay for her phone. She thinks we should let her move in with me or her mother but we both agreed not to allow this. She talks to other people who she says that we are terrible parents (guilt). We have done more for her than most other parents have done for their kids and she still complains. She hates her life and instead of helping herself, she blames others. I have told her " you cannot change what you do not acknowledge". I am not she even understands this. Everyone tells me to take care of myself. I try so hard but always fall back on my fears and emotions about her. I pray that I can just fully let go and let God. I am so tired of all of this.

[Merlot]

Hi jones54

I have been following your story but first time in posting for you. My apologies.

Firstly can I just say how sorry I am for everything you are going through. I can hear how tough its been on so many levels and how fed up you are. I dont blame you for one minute.

You say that you wish she would go away so you could have prolonged peace. The strange things is, that I think we have to find our own peace irrespective. The reason I say that is because I was so caught up, ao codependent with mty DD27, after a rage Ive been cut off and NC now for 8 months. I dont live with her constant drama evreryday but theres a gaping hole in my life and a hurt that wont go away. Im trying to work on my inner peace and I know if we reconnet I will have to do the same as her BPD ebbs and flows around me

As you mention about stepping back, maybe its just that without walking away.

I can telll how much you love her.

Take care Jones

Merlot

[Lollypop]

Hi Jones54

I’m sorry to hear about your daughter. I heard once that it takes addicts 5-6 attempts to give up - I don’t know if this is true and it’d need to be verified. I think I’ve writren this before but I’m not sure - my memory sometimes goes! 

It’s all a process and time will tell what your daughter’s choices are. We can do nothing more than stand alongside them and watch and it’s a horrid experience when the steps seem to be backwards.

One of the things I’ve learnt since being here is that progress isn’t linear for them and of course very importantly for us too.  You’re coping and, yes I know some days you may wobble but you know what you've got to do. You know that trying to reason with a BPD is useless, that they learn by experience - as we do. I hope that she makes a good choice, I’m rooting for her.

I’m rooting for you too Jones.

For us, I had to stop focussing on the drug taking and concentrate on the relationship. This was part of me accepting my son27 couldn’t/wouldn’t stop as they were his coping mechanism. Hand on heart, I dont know if this would have been possible had it been heroin or meth.

When I was at a wall I had no choice other than to change my approach.  My son needs me to be steadfastly loving, not judge and not to react and fix.

It sounds like your ex-wife is further along in her acceptance and is able to detach.  Don’t beat yourself up Jones, you are doing your very best - I wonder what you feel that you could do yourself to help yourself. I’m challenging you here a little! I hope you dont mind. Hugs

LP

[jones54]

Thanks Merlot and LP. There have been times that I had minimal contact with her. Seemed less chaotic but at times would have her come into my head wondering how she was doing. So never complete peace of mind. She has started up the nasty texts again. She is in a terrible environment now at a drug / prostitute motel. She chose to go there because it was cheap. She hates it there. She is so mad at her parents for not "helping her". We were told by a therapist last Fall when she was doing drugs on the street to let her be. I struggle now if she is sober how much to help. A probation officer who knows her said maybe to pay half her rent at another recovery house. We cannot let her live with us because it would be a disaster. So hard also because my girlfriend wants us to do absolutely nothing and let her figure this out. My ex a bit like this as well but more willing to help. Such a tight thing between enabling and finally letting her figure this out on her own. With this BPD hanging over her head not sure if she can pull herself up.

[wendydarling]

Such a tight thing between enabling and finally letting her figure this out on her own. With this BPD hanging over her head not sure if she can pull herself up.

It is a tight thing between enabling (not helpful) and letting her figure this out on her own, with the right support.

As LP shares, being steadfast, loving and rooted and willing to change our approach.

My DD wanted to hear, listened to, to feel my love, understood by ME, no one else. It started with me.

Just me. I changed by my learning here, she pulled herself up, out of danger.

You can do this jones, we are here with you.  

What do you see, hear she's asking of you, now? Things change.

WDx  

[jones54]

Hi WD. Sorry for the slow response. She did text me over the weekend. Was pleasant. Spoke about her job (luckily she is still working and pretty sure she is sober). She ended the conversation with "why don't you please help me". Since we are trying to let her figure it out on her own I did not know how to respond so I did not. I have spoken with some people who have been in contact with her and are encouraging her to go to another halfway house. She seems to think she is interested but never agrees. I think she is waiting for parents to step in (like we always did before). She is on probation so I think she is afraid of using since if she did she would go to jail. So afraid in the environment she is in she will relapse. She has always felt she was abandoned thru out her life so difficult to sit back doing nothing waiting for her to take care of herself. Drives me crazy wanting to reach out but fearful she will go ballistic on me for not helping her. The therapist in the past said do not help her financially in any way. Difficult because thinks have improved with my girlfriend and she is adamant that I stay the course and not step in. An old probation officer who she has stayed in touch with said to offer her to pay part of the rent at the halfway house to help. My girlfriend says no as did the old therapist my ex and I met with before. I just wish she would decide to go to another halfway house. Her mother and I both have agreed not to pay her rent in the future but I am just trying to think of a way to get her to leave that terrible hotel. Granted things were worse in the past when she was living at a homeless shelter. But at that time she was using heroin. Now she has been sober for 5 plus months and I do not want her to relapse. Before she was kicked out of the other halfway house she told me she wanted nothing to do with me since I was trying to patch up things with my girlfriend. She is now has contacted me (minimally) and no longer mentions this.
I just wish she would make a decision to go to a new halfway house and then restart her recovery. She said she does not understand why we will not help since she is sober and working. She cannot rent an apartment on her own since she has no credit. It will be so difficult for her to get ahead. Others say she has caused all of this to herself with the drug usage so she needs to learn from it. With her BPD not sure if she will ever "get it".

[ParentBPDgirl]

Hello,
I’ve read your posts and story and I think the right thing is sometimes the hardest thing. We want to will them to take the next positive step.

My daughter is 21 and may end up at the homeless shelter and it’s the hardest decision - the one to not step in.

I know it’s hard because well we’re all here with you with similar or relatable stories of children we love but who we have to step back from so they can truly learn.
I guess I think you’re doing the right thing and I know it’s hard. If you step in the cycle starts over. It does sound like she really knows where to go for help though, and that is good.

[jones54]

Thanks ParentBPDgirl. I appreciate what you said. Her mother and I always stepped in to help her when she messed up. Now that we are being "hands off" it has been very difficult. I guess it is because we have never done it this way before so it is very foreign to us and uncomfortable. Just as it is all new to her, it is all new to us. I know it is the right thing to do to let her figure this all out. She is getting boundaries from all sides. Her parents, her probation officer, transition house rules, etc. Difficult for her because she has always wanted her independence. In the past we always allowed this by financially supporting her. Doing this was wrong because it never worked (she would always relapse and use heroin). Now that she is having to be accountable she has stayed sober (but there are no guarantees). I guess what I am saying at this point,  it is difficult for both her as well as her parents. Neither one of us are used to this new way but we know it is the right thing (not sure if she does yet).
She did text her mother this morning and said she is now going to another Recovery House. That is good news since we were worried she would relapse staying at that seedy motel. I know she wanted us to put her up in another apartment but I think she finally realized we would no longer do this. I am hoping this is another step in the right direction for her. There are so many ups and downs with BPD (and addiction).

[zachira]

So sorry to hear about your daughter. I admire how you have stuck by her. Right now you and her mother are trying to be hands off with her so she will take more responsibility. I have worked with people like your daughter, and I know it is so hard to negotiate between helping, and caring more about their problems than they do to the point that the person who needs the help does not take responsibility for their situation. Kudos to you for being such a loving father and doing everything you can to help your daughter. Keep us posted and let us know how we can help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jones54]

Thanks Zachira. I spoke with her mother last night. She wants her to store some of her clothes at her house. I am pretty sure she will now go to the recovery house. Unfortunately ( or fortunately) she really had minimal options at this point. She must have made all the arrangements which is good since this means she is taking responsibility for herself. Very difficult for me wanting things to be better for her (sooner than later). Not sure how to approach her once she moves. Before this all happened she was saying she wanted nothing to do with me but has been nice when she texted the last few times. I think I will let her make the move Saturday and then contact her the first of the week to see if I can be of help and maybe go to dinner. I am hoping she will not refuse to see me. I feel like I am walking on thin ice since I have not seen her in a while. When she was in the first recovery house we would get together weekly. I feel strongly she needs to see another therapist but not sure how to approach this. Not sure if she would decide this for herself. I need to be grateful that she is making a move in the right direction. I need to be able to step away like I just did for her most recent set back. As you say, it is absolutely the right thing to do but so hard not to worry about her and want to get involved to make things better.

[zachira]

You seem to be feeling the challenge of stepping away while still letting your daughter know you love and care for her by doing things like taking her out to dinner. When working with people like your daughter, what seemed to help the most was to not be more upset about their situation than they were, which is extremely difficult when you are a loving caring parent that wants nothing but the best in life for your daughter. It might help to observe than when you are with your daughter who is more worried about her situation, and if it is you, try to find ways to be less worried than she, though easier said than done when you are her father and love your daughter more than anybody else in the world. I suggest preparing for any contact you have with her by doing some time quietly sitting by yourself both before and after, so you process feelings that may make it more likely you will be less negatively affected by what happens when you are with your daughter, which may allow her to take more responsibility for her feelings and actions. Therapy can help in this regard. I hope I have not overstepped my bounds by giving too many suggestions. I sometimes care and want to help too much. Once again, I admire how you have been there for your daughter. There are many parents who cannot stand the pain and walk away, and then there are parents like you and your daughter's mother who love their children far too much to not be there for their child under the worst of circumstances. I am thinking of you, and hoping eventually your daughter will recover, and you and her mother are giving her every chance to make it because of your support. Do let us know how your contact with your daughter goes, and how she is doing.

[jones54]

Thanks Zachira. I appreciate your input and what you said. Well, she never went to the transition home. Not sure why but she told her mother the owner never contacted her back. She moved out of the seedy motel and now is at a Motel 6. This location is much better and closer to where she is working. Since she never went to the transition house I did not invite her to dinner. I did text her before she went to the new motel asking what her housing plans were. She never responded. I am fearful if I try to invite her to dinner she will start lashing out saying we are bad parents  by not helping her. She is staying sober and essentially taking care of herself. When her mother saw her to pick up her extra clothes she was very angry. Last year she lashed out at me for many months. I am grateful she is not doing this now. I was told she contacted an old therapist at the rehab about info on another transition house. This is good. I do think that she feels we are punishing her. I do not think she understands the need for her to start taking responsibility for herself. Bothers me immensely know she is staying all alone in that motel.  I wish she understood why we have to do what we are doing. I know she needs to learn to get along with others. Going back to another transition home would be best. She has such a long road ahead of her and with her having terrible credit I cannot see her being able to ever rent an apartment for herself without me or her mother cosigning (her mother no longer will since she ended up paying most all her rent the past 2 years). The therapist her mother and I saw said we should no longer cosign for her. Not sure how she will find housing ever in the future without a cosigner (which would have to be me... .which I fear). Maybe if she continues to stay sober and stays at a transition house and stays working this could be reconsidered. Maybe I am getting ahead of myself. I do agree that I need to not show my emotions that I am more bothered by this than her. If she knew that I am sure she would try to manipulate me to help her. I will let you know if she makes it to another transition home. So tired of being consumed by this. Seems like it never ends with her chaotic life.

[zachira]

Thanks for the update. You are doing what is best for your family and your daughter. Maybe there will come a point where your daughter will understand you love her enough to let her make her own mistakes, and your taking a step away is in part conveying that you believe she can do it.

[jones54]

Well, here is an update. I found out she lost her job. She does not have enough money to stay at the motel. Reportedly she was going to go back to the homeless shelter. I found this out from the person who runs the rehab where she was last. Remarkably, she has stayed sober (miracle). The rehab person who has stayed in contact with her did not want her to go back to the homeless shelter because she felt this would be a bad place to be for her to relapse.  She asked if I would pay the first months rent at the halfway house so this would not happen. My DD agreed to go to the halfway house if I would be willing. I said yes but said she had to see a therapist and recovery coach. My DD agreed. Not sure if this was the right thing to do by paying the first months rent but this is what rehab person recommended. Since she is the professional so I went with what she advised . Her mother is on board with this but I am afraid my girlfriend will be upset. I guess I will call it an early Christmas gift but it really should be doing it out of the goodness of my heart. The good news is that the halfway house agreed to take her back and she actually has already found another job. Hopefully this will put her back on track. The only downside is telling my girlfriend. I may wait till we are together with the therapist. Her mother and I have given her almost nothing up until now. I hope I did the right thing by doing this.

[wendydarling]

jones, it's most encouraging your daughter has not relapsed through all this and she's back to where she was doing so well, she's back in the transition house and back in work. Personally I think the rehab professional gave you solid advice. The one month's rent is equivalent to a health care payment, you are supporting and focusing her back on the direction of recovery, that she can do this and deserves another chance, she was trying SO hard and she can again take more steps forwards. Yes she had a blip, getting kicked out of the transition house there were consequences. She has a second chance, perhaps feeling and sharing the positive outcome of this moment with her walking forwards again may help her.

I think you have a very positive story to share with your girlfriend, good news, it's about how you deliver it. Am I making sense to you?

WDx

[jones54]

Hi WD. Thanks for your encouraging words. Since I am being totally transparent with my girlfriend I let her know what I did. I tried to explain I was simply going by the recommendation of the therapist who runs the rehab house. My girlfriend would have nothing of it and was upset for what I did. She felt it was me going back to my old self enabling her. I brought this up with the therapist I see and he agreed that my daughter is in a life and death situation and going by what was recommended was appropriate. My girlfriend can be very black and white. Feels “ I will never change”. This was all brought up with the therapist we see together. He understood he position but finally said he understood mine as well. I think what I need to do is to take these decisions away from me and give them to someone who is an expert in addiction to decide so she will not get mad at me. Hoping I do not cross this bridge again soon. I did tell my daughter that I would only do this one time. She feels I no longer care about her. Very difficult since I care more than anything about her but her definition of love is spending money to support her. This is how it had been till now so she is having a hard time understanding. I am losing hope this will never change. Not sure what else I can do other than stay the course and eventually she will keep moving ahead. I am grateful that she had to agree to see a therapist and recovery coach if I paid the one month rent and she again is in a safe place.

[wendydarling]

Hi jones

I brought this up with the therapist I see and he agreed that my daughter is in a life and death situation and going by what was recommended was appropriate.

I'm glad you continue to listen to the professionals, I did. It was also critical to have my local support group of friends and family, right there with me in the most darkest of days. They were there for my daughter too. A few were not, that's ok I understood it was too much for them, they stood back in a caring way. Today when my DD is in remission, they are back with and for her!

You continue to gain great professional support and advice, go with it. I stood up to save my DD, you care too. We lead the way, so glad you are here with us. You are hurting, it can get better especially how we connect with our children in a healthy way, heals  

Do you have male friends you can talk with?

WDx

[jones54]

Hi WD. I have one male friend who knows most all of these issues. We have been friends for many years. He is supportive. I do think he may be getting tired of my speaking about all my issues with my daughter and girlfriend. I guess who would not since I seem to be consumed by all of this. I also have spoken with my brother in the past as well. He can be pretty black and white as well. He feels that I probably am wasting my time with my girlfriend and that she will never move ahead with me. He may be right. I feel stuck. Wanting so bad to move ahead but not feeling encouraged this will ever happen. I need to accept that my daughter will probably always struggle.  The therapist my girlfriend and I see asked her if she could live with the fact my daughter will always have issues and at times will possibly have a crisis occasionally. She said no. Not sure if this meant if things do not change on my part she cannot do it or she simply does not want to go on. We still plan to see the therapist together so not sure what she meant. I plan to discuss this then. Sometimes I feel I should just call for a break between us and see if I felt better dating around. Difficult because at many times things are just fine. Our relationship has been much worse over the past year because of all the difficulties with my daughter. Things are a bit better with my daughter so hopeful we can all continue moving forward.

[Merlot]

Hi jones54

I can so hear the struggle for you.  What shines through though is the fact that your daughter is still off heroin and the underlying love you and your ex have for her.

In terms of seeing her weekly.  I think about the relationships with key people in my family and how often I would see them.  It was when it worked for both of us and it didn't run to a schedule.  If it went a month, it didn't mean we didn't love each other, we just picked up where we left off.  Maybe you could explore why stepping back from this weekly ritual is making you feel uncomfortable.

I did tell my daughter that I would only do this one time. She feels I no longer care about her. Very difficult since I care more than anything about her but her definition of love is spending money to support her. This is how it had been till now so she is having a hard time understanding. I am losing hope this will never change.

I can relate to this so much, my DD was always telling me I didn't care about her enough and it was related to whether I was doing what she wanted me to do.  Extremely manipulative but people with BPD would not see this self serving behavior as manipulative just a means to an end for them.  I think it goes back to the heart of not taking it personally but seeing through it to the inherent flaw that it is.

I think you are a wonderful father and I hope your girlfriend can support you as your you navigate your journey with your daughter.

Merlot  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi jones54

I found the link between money and love was tricky.  My son27 was not emotionally mature enough to separate the two because his emotional development had been delayed for years because of his long term drug use. Humans always take the path of least resistance and, as I was always “helping” then why wouldn’t he expect it?

I found our relationship improved when I removed money from it.  I remain flexible though. I hope you find this to be so too. Keeping constant with the loving support so he could feel he wasn’t alone and I cared was important.  Having to deal with finances was a big challenge for my son as he had no financial skills at all - but he has learnt through practice and me not being involved in his “personal” life.

I totally understand that you’ve taken the advice of the processionals and I think I would have done the same thing if this helps any. You’ve described your daughters abstinence as a “miracle”.  That’s good news!

Hugs
LP   

[jones54]

Thanks LP and Merlot. I appreciate what you are saying. I get so wound up in whether I can see her or continuing to have a relationship with her. She is very manipulative with my feelings. She knows how much it bothers me not to have a relationship with her. I texted her yesterday to see if she wanted to go to a Families Against Narcotics meeting tonight. Of course she does not respond. Not sure if she will. You would think it would be nice for her just to let me know one way or another. I am sure she will say no if she responds. You are right, I need to get over the idea I need to see her on a regular basis. At this point in time she is very angry. Her mother has seen her and she tells this to me. I need to let go and take a break from my wanting things to get better which is defined as my having a good relationship with her. I am getting very depressed about the whole thing. I get so focused on it and lately have gotten more pessimistic which does not help. I do need to focus on the small positives- she is sober, back in a halfway house which is a better environment. She also started another job. Hard for me knowing she is angry and unhappy with her life but I need to tell myself she has to build her own life. She just cannot understand why we are not doing what we always did in the past but jumping in to help her. I am not sure she will ever understand we are trying to do this for her benefit. I am hoping she started therapy again but to be honest I would never know. I need to understand that she needs to want therapy just as much as she wants to go to an AA meeting. She let me know she agreed to the therapy and I know in the halfway house she has to go to meetings. At least she is in a structured environment. She often still texts complaining to me about things (her phone which I pay for). A shame because of what I have done for her with paying the first months rent and she shows little gratitude for this. Typical of her entitled personality. I think LP you once said I needed to have radical acceptance. I think this is what I need to just accept things for what they are and not focus on the want or have the expectation for things to get better. Depressing to feel that this is as good as it may get. Do not want to think that and need to stay positive. So tired of it being the focus of my life. People always say "take care of yourself". I try but have this always hanging over me. I wake up every day and realize I am still living with this. Sorry to be such a downer but I am so tired of my life being this way. I need to remind myself that others have it bad as well and I should stop having a pity party for myself. Sounds terrible but I seem to live for something positive to happen with my daughter so I feel better. That is about as co-dependent that you can get. I just need to accept things as they are whether good or bad and just live my life. So hard to change this because this has always been my thought process. Just the same for my daughter who is having difficulty accepting that her parents are no longer stepping up to help her and she needs to take responsibility for her self. We both dislike the way things are right now. All I can do is remind myself that I am doing the right thing and if I do not I know nothing will ever change for the better with my daughter. I can only hope that she will some day know that what her parents finally decided to do was best for her by stepping back. I think she understands that she needs to now take responsibility for herself but she just does not like it and will not give up trying to manipulate her way to back the way it was before with her parents taking care of her.

[Merlot]

Hi jones54

I have done something similar to LP. I had been helping my DD financially. When she cut me out 8 months ago, I decided I would stop assisting. In one of her abusive emails to me she mentioned how bad it was that I had stopped giving her money. She had no ability to draw a link between acceptable behavior and financial support. That is she could behave anyway she liked and at 27 she is still entitled to receive money from me.

While she is in my heart, Ive been working so hard to "take care of myself" and look after me. I've been trying to sever the codependent thing by not seeing myself as an extension of her. I am me and she is she. I have been driving my life forward and doing things that draw on my strenghths and give me confidence. For I know this much - focussing my thoughts/efforts in a dark place just reduced me.

I sent her a card recently and I didnt get a response. Im ok with that because for the first time in 8 months I didnt receive abuse either.

It's so very hard I know. Just because you dont rescue her doesnt nean you dont love her. She just needs to learn that too.

Thinking of you

Merlot

[jones54]

Hi Merlot.
Your situation sounds so similar to mine. We have stopped financial support as much as due to her addiction than anything. We just could no longer support her since she continued to use heroin. Yes, her verbal abuse was there as well. At this point she does not seem to respond to either her mother or me. I spoke with her mother last night and she did respond to a question she asked as to the hours she worked but then when she asked another question she said nothing. You said you sent a card and got no response but was happy she did not respond with verbal abuse. We are in the same situation. I am grateful she is not blasting me with hate texts like she did for months on end last year. Your daughter also seems to look at financial support as a way they feel we are loving them. This went on for so long with us, I feel it became ingrained in her thought process. She now does not have it as good being in a halfway house and has had to take low paying jobs to make ends meet. She now blames us for her situation I am sure. For some reason she cannot see that her situation is directly related to her heroin use. She pretty much lost everything. She has never been a very happy person and has always placed most of the blame on her life situations on anything but herself. I am sure at the moment she is frustrated with her life and is very angry at her parents. Her not responding to us (especially me) is a form of manipulation and punishment. She knows it bothers me. So mean for her to do this. You are right in that I need to focus on me. I try so hard to accept it for what it is and let go. I always struggle in the thoughts that keep coming back (as I have done for years),  the persistent desire for things to be better. Yes, that is being codependent as you mentioned. I need to get past that and accept things as they are. They say radical acceptance leads to the end of suffering. I do get that feeling at times when I surrender to the situation but for so long I have thought the other way that I have a hard time holding on to it. Having this situation as it is for over 15 years will take a lot of effort for me to think differently. I am not sure what else I can do since her situation is out of my control (unless I want to go back to the old ways and help her ... .so I feel better). So easy to enable but so difficult to let go. All I can hope and pray for is that things eventually improve for her with what we are doing now and that some day she will understand why we did this in hopes she will get better. I do know if we stayed on the same path she would stay on heroin and die. She is sober now so I am grateful for that. I so want to be able to see her but do know at this point she would not treat me very well if we were face to face.    I just need to be patient.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi Jones,

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I am in a very similar place with my daughter. I feel like I have gone to the ends of the earth to help her, and it will never be enough. I also can't imagine not having a relationship with her. It is so painful. I am glad you're daughter is still sober and in a halfway house.

I've started looking into an alternative to AA/Narc Anon called CRAFT - you  might find it helpful. It is more practical, uses dbt concepts, and doesn't involve the all or nothing type of thinking that other programs recommend for dealing with addicts.

[jones54]

Thanks Hyacinth Bucket. Sorry you are going thru the same thing. It is not easy when they do not contact you. Well, she finally responded. She stated she did not care that I said I loved her or prayed for her (part of my last text). She said it was more important how I treated her. She still blames me that she was stuck in a motel after SHE got herself kicked out of the first halfway house. She then went on to complain how terrible it was living in this new halfway house. She forgets they made an exception to let her back in and will not acknowledge that I was nice enough to pay her first months rent. She is so entitled. She complains about the other women in the house but I am sure she is the one not easy to live with. I do need to remind myself that she can be so dramatic that it probably is not as bad as she says( I know it can’t be). We all simply want our kids to be happy but need to realize that has to be up to them and no matter how much we do it may make no difference. My daughter had everything paid for her in the past and she still complained a lot. I need to surrender to the fact that I can not control how she feels and simply take care of my feelings. I need to give up the never ending want for things to get better ( not that I cannot still hope) because when they do not get better I just feel bad. I just need to accept it is what it is. Yes, things still can get better but constantly waiting (being impatient) just brings on frustration and disappointments. Very hard not to compare to other parents with “normal” kids. I do have a great son which is helpful. I have wanted for so long for my daughter to be better. Yes, I am grateful she is sober and need not give up hope but I need to be realistic. That can be depressing. I just need to surrender and have acceptance. If I do not I will live the rest of my life being as miserable as she is. I cannot allow her to continue to pull me into this black hole she seems to be stuck in. Thanks for the tip on CRAFT. I will look it up.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

We all simply want our kids to be happy but need to realize that has to be up to them and no matter how much we do it may make no difference. My daughter had everything paid for her in the past and she still complained a lot. I need to surrender to the fact that I can not control how she feels and simply take care of my feelings. I need to give up the never ending want for things to get better ( not that I cannot still hope) because when they do not get better I just feel bad.

I am very very much in the same place. My daughter put us through absolute hell last year. I've been trying to rebuild a relationship with her this past year and it's been very difficult. Nothing I did or said was ever right.  It's hard when you live someone so much and have no power whatsoever to do anything. It's hard to let go.

[jones54]

Well, I have not posted for a bit because I went away on vacation. I texted my daughter before I left and said I needed a break and would not be able to receive her texts. My therapist recommended this since I did not want her to know I was traveling since she always feels I get to do things and she has nothing. I asked her mother not to contact me unless there was an emergency. Well, she contacted me yesterday to tell me my daughter just moved 2000 miles away and is living in a motel in Florida. She either was kicked out of the halfway house or just decided to leave. I am obviously upset about this. She was clean from heroin but know nothing now since she is gone. She also broke her probation because she left the State. I was going to try to contact her to try to get together when I got back but feel I may never see her again. I have been trying hard to have acceptance with all this and still have hope but am losing this now. We have pulled back over this past year in hopes that things would get better. The only time it did was when she spent 3 months in rehab. It has all been downhill since. I know many of you have been living with no contact but I will not do well with this. We found all this out from a friend she reconnected with before she left. I guess we are not supposed to know any of this. I am at a loss what to do. I was going to try to reconnect with her when I returned. I have always held back telling how I felt for this past year because everyone just said “ let her figure this out on her own”. Now feel I should have been more open with my feelings with her. I know that she could have left regardless and I should not blame myself. I want desperately to see something positive in what has just happened but having great difficulty since I feel she may just give up and go back to heroin and die. I am at another low point in my chaotic life related to my BPD  addict daughter.

[Daisy123]

Oh, Jones,

I can hear your hurt and your worry in your post. I am just so sorry. 2,000 miles away and probation - gulp. It just sounds so impulsive, a trademark of BPD. Did Dd’s Mother have any further explanation for this sudden move? Have you attempted to reach out to DD since finding out the news?

This wretched illness can really tear us, parents up. We are all here for you, Jones. I’m glad you have a therapist, seems a good time to lean more on therapist and us.