Grieving: Three and a half months out - the fog is lifting.

[BasementDweller]

Things are improving and for the first time since I moved out of the house I shared with my dBPDex, I am starting to feel almost fully human again. The anger and crushing sadness has subsided. Compassion and forgiveness are my main emotions, plus a little regret that I didn't have better mechanisms in place to be able to sustain the relationship longer. But I didn't. The BPD was bigger than I was, apparently.

I do feel some grief but also a bit of relief that the fighting and tension is no longer a part of my daily life anymore. I miss a lot of things about him and "us", but I also realize that I am better off alone than I was with a person that could not be depended upon to be at least mostly reliable and consistent.

The more time I spend around other people now, (including a bit of dating) the more I am reminded that in general people see me as likable and with a lot of good traits. Often times, he would put me down and mock me for things that other people say are positive traits. (Sense of humor, intelligence, compassion.)

Those things were kryptonite to him. My strengths became the things he hated about me. In the end, when he was lashing out he said (more than once) that he really wished things could have worked out between us because I was a great cook and our sex life was really good. But of course, my personality was terrible, and I was so mean. That's why we failed, according to him. In other words, I was a desirable/useful object, but not really worth much else, and too difficult to "manage" so I had to go. I don't believe he always felt this way, nor do I believe it was all he felt. But it certainly served him in the end to compartmentalize me that way, because reducing me to a disposable object made the sabotage of the relationship easier for him to rationalize.

I realize now what he's missing out on. I guess I knew my worth before I met him, but I forgot it for a while when I was in the thick of it with him. Now, I remember again.

I haven't heard a single person tell me I am stupid, annoying, rude, worthless etc, since I moved out. But most importantly, I haven't told MYSELF that. Because my opinion of myself is really all that counts. However, it is nice to know that other people whom I care about do not share the views he claims he had of me in the end. 

Interestingly, the last moment of any kind of tenderness I saw from him was the day he left my apartment after putting together the kitchen bench then fleeing, without finishing the stuff he said he'd help me with... .only to dysregulate again later. But in that last moment, he gave me a hug and looked me solidly in the eye, and for the first time in months there was clarity and what looked like empathy in there. I was teary, and told him that this was horribly painful, and I had no idea how or why we had to come to this. He put his hands on my shoulders, and said, "You are going to be fine. Remember who you are."

That day, I had no idea what he was talking about. I get it now. Or... .I remember now.

It will always boggle my mind that someone so brilliant and sometimes so loving could exist in the same body as someone who was so incredibly destructive and dysfunctional.

[BasementDweller]

Oops... .it's actually a shade UNDER three months... .I moved out mid June. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey BD,

You put that well.  That's BPD in a nutshell:

It will always boggle my mind that someone so brilliant and sometimes so loving could exist in the same body as someone who was so incredibly destructive and dysfunctional.

In my view, it's impossible to reconcile this dichotomy.  Just the way it is w/BPD.

LJ

[BasementDweller]

Hey BD,

You put that well.  That's BPD in a nutshell:

In my view, it's impossible to reconcile this dichotomy.  Just the way it is w/BPD.

LJ

Yup. I finally had to radically accept that, and that the issue was way beyond my ability to reconcile.

[Lucky Jim]

That sounds like progress to me.

I thought that I could crack the BPD Code, but BPD proved too much for me.

LJ

[BasementDweller]

Me too, Lucky Jim. And it was REALLY hard when I was in the midst of it. Now that I have had time alone to heal, learn, work on myself, and get a better grasp of BPD from an "outside" perspective - I think I'd fare a hell of a lot better with him if we were to meet from the first time tomorrow. But it's too late now. Ah well... .what they say about hindsight is certainly true.

[Cromwell]

Hi BasementDweller

Not sure how you feel but whenever I got the open-ended cryptic praise, I always felt patronised by it, as if it was done tactically - it was.

Of all the fog I was in, I saw through that part, I knew my cooking was fine, she wolfed it down, I worked as a professional chef at the time. Where my ex played on my insecurities to benefit herself was triangulation. Apparently a 'friend' of hers cooked her a meal and it was "perfect". She had so many shadowy, never to identify "friends" who were the best at everything and did so many amazing things for her. When I split from her I got a deluge of calls and a voicemail to come rescue her, she had no electricity, no money to buy food... .(where were these 'friends'?) Did they ever exist?

In short, it was gameplay self-serving tactical each time. Make a dog hungry enough but then throw it a piece of chicken bone, scraps from the masters table, and it will serve even better than an over fed one.

Id like to share with you in your thoughts that you believe you were used, but that "at some point" not. I look back and although it would comfort to think I wasnt just - objectified - the only time I felt she connected to me and identified me as a person was when she was in an extremely desperate emotionally vulnerable state. Id be overwhelmed with affection, the "best most trusted" person shed ever met, she "knew me" and coincidentally, it was those rare moments shed buy gifts, heap praise, emotionally full on sex, feature film moments together. All of a sudden id felt she was cured out of nowhere. It wasnt so, it was just that - I was there as the best person to be with her whilst she was emotionally drowning. "loved" for my competent rescuing skills that no one else could match at that given time. My cooking was the best, I was the best, I saw it as her being romantic, I didnt see it as if it was narcissitic-enabling. It didnt make me feel any better than I thought of myself, in the time frame she did it, I felt myself depressed, inept and incompetent more then I ever had. So it always stood out. I was just grateful that she was in an apparent happy and secure frame of mind rather than the converse. Id become conditioned to this slot-machine relationship, barely paying out but then once in a blue moon you hit the jackpot and dont think twice about how or why - it just happens randomly.

i feel used but at the same time, Ive learned to understand better as to why, and that it doesnt fit the "normal" motives, I see the emotional exploitation as inherent in BPD itself.

[SerendipityChild]

I can relate with the cooking skills’ compliments. My ex used to say my Filipino dishes are the best he’s ever had. Too good he said I could open up my own catering business part time. I personally think I’m rated average when it comes to cooking. It’s amazing how they make you feel so amazingly great at everything yet use it against you when they split. All of a sudden my cooking becomes horrible and bland. Always end up scratching my head and ask myself what the hell just happened here? You glorify me one minute then villify me the next.
I do hope his next savior can cook. Or wealthy enough to buy him good meals. But that’s her problem now, not mine. Whew.

[BasementDweller]

Hi Cromwell - ugh, it sounds like you got put through the ringer worse than I did with the devaluation you endured. Interestingly enough, I too worked as a professional chef back in the day, and while I have a "corporate job" now - my skills are still on point. Until the end he never did try to devalue my talents or functional capabilities. His main beef, and the foundation of his entire devalue and discard, was that I was mean to him,  and never really loved or valued him. Nothing could be further from the truth, but with his fragile sense of self... .I believe he truly felt that way, which is tragic.

The objectification he used toward me after the break-up was likely the same way he compartmentalizes himself and his world. It’s how he breaks things down to maintain control—the emotional dysregulation comes when two or more areas collide, and he doesn’t know how to maintain the facade.

I am seeing the pieces he used to hold me together fall away. He can't manage his feelings, so all that's left are his memories of the functions. "She was a good cook, good lover, worked hard, kept the house neat, but she never valued me. She was mean to me. Had to discard."

He can tell me to my face what a terrible person I am, but with tears in his eyes, and a visible sadness that leads me to question if somewhere deep down, he knows it's not true but it's safer to just cling to that rather than put his trust in someone. In the end, a lot of the BPD issues boil down to a lack of trust, particularly in those who say they love them. It's so sad - how they sabotage it when they have everything they ever wanted. They can't even help themselves.

Serendipity, if your ex lost a good woman who can cook legit Filipino food, then he has truly made the biggest mistake of his life. Having lived in Northern California for 20 years among a large Filipino community, I had the immense honor of gaining a few pounds off of that amazing food.

If I were not a hetero woman, I'd marry you just for the lumpia, and there would be ZERO complaints from me. Bonus if you do that spam/sushi thing with the seaweed and rice. 

[SerendipityChild]

Serendipity, if your ex lost a good woman who can cook legit Filipino food, then he has truly made the biggest mistake of his life. Having lived in Northern California for 20 years among a large Filipino community, I had the immense honor of gaining a few pounds off of that amazing food.
If I were not a hetero woman, I'd marry you just for the lumpia, and there would be ZERO complaints from me. Bonus if you do that spam/sushi thing with the seaweed and rice. 

Hi BasementDweller! My dishes do not discriminate and not gender biased so feel free to come by for dinner anytime   And yes, lumpia is one of my favorites as well- home made of course.
I think you're referring to the Japanese Spam Musubi though... .have to look that up and add it to my menu this week. | Take care and thank you 

[Cromwell]

Since you and Basement Dweller have come along, I just think about food all day. Then when I realise I was subsisting on a diet that would be more in tune with a seagull than a human, I think im just on a vitamin renourishment crusade. Well thats the excuse to be eating yummy pastries every day anyway, sure ive been brainwashed but... .by virtual sushi! cant ever complain, keep those culinary delights coming im starving

One of the nicest "newfound" ie - living normal again experiences since I started dating, was going to a restaurant enjoying discussing the menu and - somehow wondering why this could be so pleasant, that I could laugh and joke with the waitress without wondering if it would create world war 3.

my cupboards are bare, the rations are low, when I say low I mean; the choice of nothing or that Ryvita cardboard stuff.

[BasementDweller]

Hi BasementDweller! My dishes do not discriminate and not gender biased so feel free to come by for dinner anytime   And yes, lumpia is one of my favorites as well- home made of course.
I think you're referring to the Japanese Spam Musubi though... .have to look that up and add it to my menu this week. | Take care and thank you 

Yay! Make room at the table!   You are right about the Spam Masubi, and I guess it is very popular in Hawaii, but has spread to many island cultures, and the Filipino community in California LOVED it. I mistakenly thought it was an original dish of theirs, but either way - I have them to thank for introducing me to it. (I know. Not everyone likes SPAM. I do. I like a lot of "kid food". Spam, chicken nuggets, fried fish sticks, boxed mac and cheese... .crap like that.) Funny, because I am an actual chef (though only in my spare time nowadays) but if given the opportunity, I'll eat like a 9 year old.

Cromwell, you are welcome to join in the food frenzy. When I was with my BPD ex, for the first time in my life, I had an unhealthy relationship with food. I overate, drank more than I should, and saw food as the one thing I could offer my ex that he would always appreciate. I got too dependent on the one thing that soothed him, and often also did the "comfort food" thing. In 2.5 years, I gained nearly 30 pounds. (About 14 kilos, I think.) Having always been athletic, active, and naturally thin (I was a gymnast in my youth) this was - shocking. I'm only 5'2" (157 cm) so this was - bad.

It took me 2.5 years to gain that weight, and 2 months to lose every ounce of it. The "heartbreak" diet is the most effective thing out there, though I don't recommend it. After a period immediately post break up of laying in bed with a bottle of wine for 4 days straight, sobbing and staring at the ceiling in a dark room, I kicked myself in the ass and said "You're better than this. Get the f*ck up."

I forced myself to get on my bike, start running, start lifting weights, and cut the crap out of my diet. No junk food, and booze only when appropriate. (I'm improving, not becoming a saint.) ;-) Now I eat healthy during the week, abstain from drinking as well, but will have some beers on the weekend with friends, and maybe indulge in desert, or delicious fatty meals... .in moderation. Monday morning, I'm a teetotaller again.

My relationship with food is much healthier now, and I "eat to live" most days, but indulge when the time is right and I'm in good company. Not just to self-soothe - which doesn't actually work - but because I have the proper occasion to do so.

I think you mentioned in a previous thread that you started exercising after your break-up and it did wonders for your mental health. I found the same. I never realized how effective that was until I hit rock bottom. Every time I wanted to call him, write him, grovel, or waste a day crying and drinking, I made myself run. Even if I was exhausted. There were days when I ran three or four times a day. Like a crazed machine. At first, I was winded and huffing and puffing while sobbing... .that was a sight, I tell ya. Then I realized that I wasn't even short of breath after a while and those weren't tears anymore... .that was sweat. I am getting to the stage now where I think perhaps he did me a favor by discarding me. I miss him, truly, but I think I got off easy by being let go before I completely lost myself altogether.

I'd like to think in his own twisted way, this was his way of showing he cared about me. To release me from his chaos, and remind me to "remember who I am."

[SerendipityChild]

Since you and Basement Dweller have come along, I just think about food all day. Then when I realise I was subsisting on a diet that would be more in tune with a seagull than a human, I think im just on a vitamin renourishment crusade. Well thats the excuse to be eating yummy pastries every day anyway, sure ive been brainwashed but... .by virtual sushi! cant ever complain, keep those culinary delights coming im starving

These damn baked goods can be so bad for us yet we kept coming back for more.
The BPD flavored one please.

One of the nicest "newfound" ie - living normal again experiences since I started dating, was going to a restaurant enjoying discussing the menu and - somehow wondering why this could be so pleasant, that I could laugh and joke with the waitress without wondering if it would create world war 3.

How did your first actual date after the discard go? Were you nervous or excited? Do you find yourself comparing the new girl with your ex?

my cupboards are bare, the rations are low, when I say low I mean; the choice of nothing or that Ryvita cardboard stuff.

Hey Cromwell! Don’t procrastinate and do some grocery shopping.

[SerendipityChild]

Yay! Make room at the table!   You are right about the Spam Masubi, and I guess it is very popular in Hawaii, but has spread to many island cultures, and the Filipino community in California LOVED it. I mistakenly thought it was an original dish of theirs, but either way - I have them to thank for introducing me to it. (I know. Not everyone likes SPAM. I do. I like a lot of "kid food". Spam, chicken nuggets, fried fish sticks, boxed mac and cheese... .crap like that.) Funny, because I am an actual chef (though only in my spare time nowadays) but if given the opportunity, I'll eat like a 9 year old.

Come on over to the south side BD=) plenty of room here for you.
I love the versatility of Spam. And yes, those damn kids meals are so addictive. I end up ordering thrice as many when I go to the mall.

Yes, working out helps tremendously post-breakup and the results are much more rewarding. So proud of you, BasementDweller. 30 lbs lost in 2 months is quite an accomplishment. Great motivation for me so thank you. Gotta start keeping up with you and Cromwell 

[Cromwell]

I forced myself to get on my bike, start running, start lifting weights, and cut the crap out of my diet. No junk food, and booze only when appropriate. (I'm improving, not becoming a saint.) ;-) Now I eat healthy during the week, abstain from drinking as well, but will have some beers on the weekend with friends, and maybe indulge in desert, or delicious fatty meals... .in moderation. Monday morning, I'm a teetotaller again.

My relationship with food is much healthier now, and I "eat to live" most days, but indulge when the time is right and I'm in good company. Not just to self-soothe - which doesn't actually work - but because I have the proper occasion to do so.

I think you mentioned in a previous thread that you started exercising after your break-up and it did wonders for your mental health. I found the same. I never realized how effective that was until I hit rock bottom. Every time I wanted to call him, write him, grovel, or waste a day crying and drinking, I made myself run. Even if I was exhausted. There were days when I ran three or four times a day. Like a crazed machine. At first, I was winded and huffing and puffing while sobbing... .that was a sight, I tell ya. Then I realized that I wasn't even short of breath after a while and those weren't tears anymore... .that was sweat. I am getting to the stage now where I think perhaps he did me a favor by discarding me. I miss him, truly, but I think I got off easy by being let go before I completely lost myself altogether.

Good for you BD , the only place at that time I wanted to run to was the airport and with a one-way ticket to the amazon.

It took me ages to get back into a proper workout regime, I was inspired by Dogman here; Thanks Dogman! Weight normal, Blood pressure normal. 8kg packed on over 3 years, it took me 5 weeks and nearly getting banned from the gym to lose. I havent actually lost 8kg, but my muscular mass has increased and my fat percentage is in excellent category. Its about finding balance for me now BD, but sometimes an extreme situation requires equal extreme efforts to get out of; this was one of those times. Weve all got there, now im happy to enjoy the fruits or is it desserts of that labour? . Exercise, great,  along with workaholism or whatever distractions; they are productive, they have their merits, but they cant be at the expense of neglecting trying to get to the root of the problem and dig it out. For that this board has helped, mindfulness class, new circle of friends built, techniques to heal the spirit. A bit of philosophy to go along with it, which I will finish this post to you sharing the most recent picked up;

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. Soren Kierkegaard

[Cromwell]

These damn baked goods can be so bad for us yet we kept coming back for more.
The BPD flavored one please.

How did your first actual date after the discard go? Were you nervous or excited? Do you find yourself comparing the new girl with your ex?


Hey Cromwell! Don’t procrastinate and do some grocery shopping.

Hey SC,

I wasnt nervous at all, but we had worked together for about 6 months. She was attractive, had a heart of gold, depressed with her own issues, picked up on mine.

In short, I didnt want that to be the glue that was going to hold it together. Its not what I truly wanted - its part of what Id just worked so hard to escape from.

I need to start internet dating again, even though I met my ex at the end of it - it was the best way to meet truly random women from all walks of life - different sectors of work backgrounds along with the personalities that go with it. Everyone I come across who works in medical seems on anti depressants and fits a rescuer mentality - which makes sense.

Then i dated BPD revisited, my instincts were she was even more crazy as much as she was slightly more attractive than my ex. That was the last time before I retreated back to my lair.

Since then I got wolf whistled recently whilst sitting on bench meditating trying my mindfulness. I look up not thinking it was for me and theres 2 mid to late teenage girls giggling to each other and shying away.

I dont know what they are putting in the drinking water these days SC, for now I need at least a month of me-ism. the world still feels a bit surreal after the BPD experience package. 

[SerendipityChild]

Do you find yourself falling into the same pattern when it comes to choosing who you date? I wonder how my future date will be able to top that ride my ex has put me on. To have that same connection and chemistry from the get go. The thought kinda scares me a bit which makes me feel that I am not ready. You suggested a year so I think I will do just that.
I agree with you about the dating sites. Nothing exciting about dating someone in the same field. Better start creating that profile and keep me posted, Cromwell. 

[SerendipityChild]

Do you find yourself falling into the same pattern when it comes to choosing who you date? I wonder how my future date will be able to top that ride my ex has put me on. To have that same connection and chemistry from the get go. The thought kinda scares me a bit which makes me feel that I am not ready. You suggested a year so I think I will do just that.
I agree with you about the dating sites. Nothing exciting about dating someone in the same field. Better start creating that profile and keep me posted, Cromwell.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

[Cromwell]

Do you find yourself falling into the same pattern when it comes to choosing who you date? I wonder how my future date will be able to top that ride my ex has put me on. To have that same connection and chemistry from the get go. The thought kinda scares me a bit which makes me feel that I am not ready. You suggested a year so I think I will do just that.
I agree with you about the dating sites. Nothing exciting about dating someone in the same field. Better start creating that profile and keep me posted, Cromwell.  

Not really SC, once I got some more realistic appraisal of what really happened, and start to unpackage the truth behind that previous romantic, almost mystical "connection" - theres a lot of my ex which I can say now that I would never have thought id feel "turned off".

Was it not too good to be true - to expect that sort of euphoria in an almost instant-mash delivery? What ever happened to having just infactuation and finding after time spent together; building that trust, proven through time, building that shared emotions and going through experiences, then finding that euphoria somewhere down the line. I found those past relationships as my true benchmark if it does come down to an exercise of compare and contrast.

ive changed my outlook and refined my selection criteria - just like every relationship in the past prompts us to do. She might get the award for giving me such rich experience of what it was like to date someone with a serious disorder - hurting me the most in the process - but experience is experience what more is there to do but leverage it into my favour. Its like developing an aptitude or skill for something and not making any use of it and intentionally suppress it. Sure ive changed as a person, my dating technique and screening procedure has changed, but I see nothing to lament about it - what was important was to not kid myself on that rather than accept the hurt I twisted it to thinking it was what I wanted. Sure I stayed for a long time and did we ever truly get "used" to it? It ran out of steam for a reason, regardless if she would have discarded me.

Just as ive suggested to people who have already been hurt and I try to incorporate the idea that; you can be hurt even more than you have already. Same works in reverse; just because we felt that amazing connection, doesnt mean to say that there is a world of people out there who cant give us the same - if not - better. Ive also done drugs that gave me a better euphoria than being with her, with far less of a comedown. In short, my dating technique has been modified; good rapport is at the top of the list, euphoria has been relegated.

I might not be able to script that into the works of hollywood or the next 50 shades of grey, but its good enough for me.  

SC, I could have married her and made it to my death bed, I would have divorced her from it, regardless if it took me to the very last moment to wake up and get a reality check. You came to this board at the same time it took me just to start to get out of the fog, my progress each day is logarithmic. How long will it take you? were all different, been through different things - I thought I was recovered after 2 months, then 6, then 8 until I finally saw her again. I felt recovered, but it didnt make it so.

some adventure right? with plenty of snakes and ladders ill give it that. I believe in you SC - you just have that belief transmitted that its going to take a lot more than this blip in your life to keep you down. I got my smart phone today, youd think with all the hitech we have it would find me the perfect partner itself. I'll let you know how i get on - you realise it will be a matter of hours not days that she will realise? worms everywhere, can opened. yipes I feel that love adrenaline cocktail already SC  

[BasementDweller]

Wow - hello all! My little thread exploded while I slept. (I'm on Euro time.) Some great conversational ground has been covered!

Re; Food, exercise and dating... .where to begin? 

Cromwell and SC - I really surprised myself with how determined I became to lose that weight and stick to my work-outs no matter how depressed or discouraged I was at the beginning. I would say that losing almost 30 pounds in 2 months isn't even healthy, but I have always had a good metabolism and been naturally thin. So being overweight was not a state my body was used to. Once I started eating the appropriate amount of calories and getting some exercise, it really did just fall off. But I had to work at it. I had purchased a pair of super cool vintage bell-bottom jeans in a thrift store that were the size I am supposed to be. That was last summer. (2017) I couldn't pull them up past the knees, haha. But I HAD to have them. So I bought them, thinking "someday" and stuffed them in the back of the closet.

Yesterday, I tried them on to see if I was close to fitting in them yet. I assumed they might get on my body, but not be able to zip or button the waist. I'm wearing them today. They fit perfect. I don't have a scale at home so I am not exactly sure what I weigh, but I'm skinny again, and I actually can't really see it yet. Not unhealthy skinny. Just fit. So my pants say, at least. I have lost track of my body image, to be honest. I lost track of a lot after the BPD relationship. Still working on "remember who you are"... .though I am getting there.

As mentioned on a previous thread, I jumped back into dating way too soon without planning it. In a move of "old school retro bravado" a guy started talking to me in a pub. I have literally NEVER given such a thing the time of day in the past, but this guy was so oddly quirky and clever that it worked. The total opposite of my BPD ex. Emotionally as rational as they get. A breath of fresh air, and while not the roller coaster of passion like the BPD was - we have our own little tempest together because we are both so odd and introverted that together we make a bit of magic just because we match, and that's something we don't do with a lot of the rest of the world. I'm taking it slow and steady. No whirlwind allowed. It's just nice to be with a sane man who doesn't scream at me. 

During one of our earlier discussions I told him that I love to cook. His face lit up and I saw the love bloom in his eyes. He said, "I'm always hungry!" It works.

We laughed about that. I will see him this weekend. I made my own Hot and Sweet Bourbon BBQ Sauce, and packaged it up with its own label and put it in an old school Ball jar. It looks food blog worthy, and tastes great. I think he'll be impressed. I also have to laugh a bit cynically when I think about the fact that my BPDex saw fit to discard me like... .women with gymnastic skills AND cooking skills grow on trees. His loss! And to the both of you who also can cook, and are kick ass people from what I can see here - their loss. There are plenty of people out there who will appreciate us. When you both are ready to really date again, you'll be surprised how easy it is to relate to normal people, and how after being crushed and destroyed by BPD, you are a lot tougher, and not so prone to lose your head in the next relationship. If you survive a BPD relationship - the rest is a cakewalk, I suspect.

Mmmmm. Cake.

[SerendipityChild]

There are plenty of people out there who will appreciate us. When you both are ready to really date again, you'll be surprised how easy it is to relate to normal people, and how after being crushed and destroyed by BPD, you are a lot tougher, and not so prone to lose your head in the next relationship. If you survive a BPD relationship - the rest is a cakewalk, I suspect.

Hello BD... .so excited for you  I can't wait to hear the details of your date. The BBQ sounds delicious and fun to eat but what's for dessert? 

[Cromwell]

Hi, I just really want to confirm what BD said about after going through BPD relationship - well, theres not much that surprises anymore. I dont get shy or anxious during dates, I was confident before but had my own insecurities, I think I completely lost the ego after all of this I was surprised how easy it was to date and not put any effort into second guessing anything that seemed odd, when youve been through it and I Guess learn a bit of theory as well as get your own brain back and recover from the trauma and anxiety of it all, you can sense trouble with a clear head again. You both are confident and successful women it shines through the posts, even at a time when we feel weve just crawled out of a pit from rock bottom.

Now back on topic; i had chicken teriyaki and salad toasted baguette today.

[SerendipityChild]

Hi, I just really want to confirm what BD said about after going through BPD relationship - well, theres not much that surprises anymore. I dont get shy or anxious during dates, I was confident before but had my own insecurities, I think I completely lost the ego after all of this I was surprised how easy it was to date and not put any effort into second guessing anything that seemed odd, when youve been through it and I Guess learn a bit of theory as well as get your own brain back and recover from the trauma and anxiety of it all, you can sense trouble with a clear head again. You both are confident and successful women it shines through the posts, even at a time when we feel weve just crawled out of a pit from rock bottom.
Now back on topic; i had chicken teriyaki and salad toasted baguette today.

Good for you, Cromwell  for now I will enjoy reading both of your posts on dating again and appreciate any suggestions you and BD throw my way. Got nine months to recover still and I will stick to my cigarettes (neek-o-teen) and coffee for now. Maybe a little porn, too.  

I cannot wait for that one morning when I wake up and not think about him, his images creeping around on the side of my brain gone, his spirit flushed out of my system.

My lunch was so boring I don't even want to tell you guys what it was.

[BasementDweller]

Hello BD... .so excited for you  I can't wait to hear the details of your date. The BBQ sounds delicious and fun to eat but what's for dessert? 

Happy Monday! The date was a smashing success, the burgers and sauce came out fantastic, and the man was extremely impressed.   Dessert was mango ice cream - he made it from scratch with fresh mangoes and a vintage ice cream making machine that works beautifully. It was a lot of fun. Next weekend I'm making slow cooker beef short ribs with an apple cider glaze to be served on a bed of cheesy whipped potatoes. Pretty sure this guy will be smitten... .or at least fat.  Maybe the latter is more likely.

Now back on topic; i had chicken teriyaki and salad toasted baguette today.

Oooh! Sounds good.

My lunch was so boring I don't even want to tell you guys what it was.

Awww! I hear you. I often have boring meals when I'm alone. I don't get out the big guns unless I am trying to impress. 

[Zemmma]

Those things were kryptonite to him. My strengths became the things he hated about me. In the end, when he was lashing out he said (more than once) that he really wished things could have worked out between us because I was a great cook and our sex life was really good. But of course, my personality was terrible, and I was so mean. That's why we failed, according to him. In other words, I was a desirable/useful object, but not really worth much else, and too difficult to "manage" so I had to go. I don't believe he always felt this way, nor do I believe it was all he felt. But it certainly served him in the end to compartmentalize me that way, because reducing me to a disposable object made the sabotage of the relationship easier for him to rationalize.

BasementDweller,
Wow. I can relate to you so closely. It's amazing. My strengths were the things he hated about me. Yes. Especially when he would have loved to have those strengths himself. He was so envious of everyone who had something he didn't. Or maybe he had those things too... but when someone else shined it made him feel he was less.

The sex life was great. For you and me too. But what is sex? Usually there isn't a conversation going on (so mostly non-verbal) and therefore they can think whatever they want without your "mean" words and thoughts interrupting... and secondly, in sex you are 100% focused on him. So if the attraction is there, and there is a compatibility, the sex will be good.

But this notion of "meanness." I was called mean too. It's so weird. No one thinks I am mean. In fact, he was surprised to learn that I am the one in a large family that everyone thinks is too sensitive. He only saw his own sensitivity. I saw it too. He would be wounded by the most off-hand remark- the most neutral comment. That doesn't make me mean. I bended over backwards to defend myself against some pretty mean things that came my way from him. Even my defensiveness he saw as an attack. I have long text streams as evidence. He would say pretty mean things to me, or dismiss me. To a statement I made about being faithful or loving him, he would just say, "I don't believe you." That to me, is mean. He was mean himself. He was always the one on the attack, and I on defence. He would say offensive things about my children, tell me they were disrespecting me. When I insisted they were not (he was not actually in my house, just reading into something I told him), he would just push further. He was mean, but called me mean. I never started believing him, I just constantly felt misunderstood.  

The "not really worth much else" in your post also hit me. In the last months of our relationship (or nearly the whole last nine months of our last recycle), he had decided he just wanted me in certain situations. I saw his 9-yr. old daughter only once in that time, and he only saw my kids once at my graduation. He "didn't want to do family anymore." He just wanted our time alone. He had let me hang with his friends but even when we had fun he came away from it feeling like it didn't go well. In the end he said the sex and alone time was great but he didn't really care for any other aspect of our relationship. It was pretty hurtful.

I think one of the big hooks is the fact that we leave these r/s's feeling misunderstood. If only he knew how I really felt... because he would never acknowledge it. If only he knew I WAS faithful... If only he knew I wasn't mean... He obviously sees something else... something wrong... If only he knew me...

You are lucky to have found someone you can feel a spark for. I do think a new love could be a cure. IF I could feel anything real for anyone else. I can't right now and worry he has destroyed my ability to fall for anyone else. So far, if anyone tries to get close it only pushes me back to thoughts of him, so I am avoiding anyone until I feel a strong, genuine interest as opposed to someone who I think logically might make a good partner if I got to know them. The only way I am go to explore any r/s now is if I am drawn through a real attraction. I will just have to wait for that. And when it comes I will be prepared to recognize red flags and get out early to avoid a lot of pain.

Best of luck! You sound so strong.

[BasementDweller]

Best of luck! You sound so strong.

Thank you so much, Zemmma! I do try my best, and some days are better than others. I cry a lot less than I used, to and am feeling more resilient, though I have some really tough times still.

It is astonishing to me how many of our stories are so similar. I've said this before, on many other threads, and I'll say it here too - it seems that no matter where on the globe our partners are from, or what their culture or nationality, the BPD has some core script elements that they all say. Some of the exact same accusations and catch phrases (mine also told me he didn't believe I loved him, that I thought he was worth nothing). He was also envious of my educational background and fixated on the results of an IQ test I had, often insinuating that I intimidated him or made him feel inferior. I realize all these hurtful things they say and do like this stem from how they feel about themselves. It has nothing to do with us at all. They project it onto us as being the cause of their low feelings, but it's them who feel unloved, unworthy, inferior, and they felt that way before we came along. We just get scapegoated for it. It's so sad, really. In a really ironic way.

The sex life was great. For you and me too. But what is sex? Usually there isn't a conversation going on (so mostly non-verbal) and therefore they can think whatever they want without your "mean" words and thoughts interrupting... and secondly, in sex you are 100% focused on him. So if the attraction is there, and there is a compatibility, the sex will be good.

One funny thing that we did (that was awesome, actually) is often joke around a bit or laugh with each other during sex. We both have a rather juvenile sense of humor and sometimes would joke around right in the middle and start laughing hysterically. He told me that he was listening to a radio program about relationships and the therapist said "If you and your partner have never laughed together during sex, you might not be with the right partner." He said I was the only person he's ever laughed with like that, in those moments, and I fully believe him. We had such good chemistry in so many ways, and sometimes he could be so normal and loving. I still struggle to wrap my head around the fact that he was so mentally ill at the same time.

You are lucky to have found someone you can feel a spark for. I do think a new love could be a cure. IF I could feel anything real for anyone else. I can't right now and worry he has destroyed my ability to fall for anyone else. So far, if anyone tries to get close it only pushes me back to thoughts of him, so I am avoiding anyone until I feel a strong, genuine interest as opposed to someone who I think logically might make a good partner if I got to know them. The only way I am go to explore any r/s now is if I am drawn through a real attraction. I will just have to wait for that. And when it comes I will be prepared to recognize red flags and get out early to avoid a lot of pain.

I totally understand that, and how you want to wait until you feel fully ready to get close to anyone else. I am actually doing the opposite and only putting my toe in the water here because logically, I think he'd make a good partner. I got rather deeply emotionally involved with my BPDex, and well, you can see how that turned out. I made a rational decision to only consider a man who was totally sound, stable and not at all red-flaggy. If anything, this one is possibly red-flaggy in the opposite direction. I think he'd be seen by some as a closed book. A bit distant and aloof. Not extremely passionate. Maybe even emotionally somewhat unavailable. (Though friendly and nice.) But, after living with someone for 2.5 years who emotionally dysregulated all over the place with rage filled outbursts and psychosis... .the cool, level-headed type is a breath of fresh air. He doesn't need to be emotionally available to me right now, to be honest. I don't want it. I just want to relax with someone who doesn't go nuts on me. 

I felt intense passion with my BPDex, and with this guy... .it's a slow smolder in all the right places, with a lot of great intellectual chemistry. But I'm not losing my head over it, so whatever happens, it's not going to be traumatizing. After surviving my ex, I feel like I'm made of steel now. Not much phases me now.

[Cromwell]

I felt intense passion with my BPDex, and with this guy... .it's a slow smolder in all the right places, with a lot of great intellectual chemistry. But I'm not losing my head over it, so whatever happens, it's not going to be traumatizing. After surviving my ex, I feel like I'm made of steel now. Not much phases me now.

I think these words can give a lot of reassurance to those who read them. At least I relate to how I feel, whilst im at the end stage of getting over a few scraps of emotional residue - I feel far more confident in not just screening out problems during dating but once you have this type of experience, it applies to work colleagues, potential friends, I feel as if i have an automated built-in "spot the personality disorder" radar installed and fully functioning after going through the array of mind games and eventually figuring so much of it out.

[BasementDweller]

I think these words can give a lot of reassurance to those who read them. At least I relate to how I feel, whilst im at the end stage of getting over a few scraps of emotional residue - I feel far more confident in not just screening out problems during dating but once you have this type of experience, it applies to work colleagues, potential friends, I feel as if i have an automated built-in "spot the personality disorder" radar installed and fully functioning after going through the array of mind games and eventually figuring so much of it out.

Yes, exactly this. You not only get a thicker skin, you get a much more finely tuned radar. ;-)