Married for 31 years to a BPD

[31yrs BPD spouse]

I was married for 31 years (currently separated and going through a divorce) to a BPD without knowing nor understanding. I use to fix all her relationships, family,  friends, neighbors, kids, you name it I rescued her. Five years ago, it became so unbearable I emotionally detached. I could never figure out what was going on or how I couldn't fix the situation. We would go to counseling and she would speak for the full 50 minutes! Finally during my own personal therapy (therapist has known my wife for 10 years), my therapist gave me a book to read called stop walking on eggshells. Now everything I have experienced the past 31 years comes into perfect view.

My objective now, because I have moved on, is to educate my three kids, 30, 28 and 26 so they can learn how to deal with their toxic mother.

[Mutt]

Hi 31yrs BPD spouse, 



Wow, 31 years I bet that you have a lot of stories. You mentioned rescuing I can relate with that, sometimes I would keep trying or try harder in the hopes that it would make my exUBPDw happy and she was never happy with anything.

Your T clued you in as to what the problem could be or is, we can't diagnose someone because only a professional can do that what we can do is look at traits. I bet that was a eureka moment, these r/s's ( relationships ) can we make you feel isolated from others and really depressed.  

How long have you been separated? Is there a chance for reconciliation? How is the r/s like with mom and the kids? How is your r/s with the kids?

[31yrs BPD spouse]

My saving grace was reading the book stop walking on eggshells because everything came  into focus and made sense.

We met and married in 11 months. So sort of a world wind of a relationship. Two weeks from returning from our honeymoon my wife was diagnosed with MS. That started the tail spin. BPD are control freaks by nature, or at least my wife is. So she spent 24/7 seeking medical care and treatment at a tremendous expense and emotionally draining to the family. She has used every resources we have to care for herself and now my two kids. We are born again Christians so I was taught to suck it up and take it like a man. Hence I became the enabler or codependent. She was at odds with everyone all the time. Her own family she would have issues and they would call me and I would cover for her. She would alienate the neighbors. For example, should would put christian literature in their mail boxes and the neighbors requested for her not to do so. I told her don't do it. She always ignored and never ever listened to me. so she kept putting the literature in the mail box and the neighbor got a restraining order.

One time, I was helping our neighbor move in his live in girlfriend. Now we had been neighbors for over 10 years with this neighbor who I had fished with, skied, etc. He made me and my family fishing rods. My wife leaned out the window and yelled where everyone could hear, "You get up here right now" " Why are you helping him move in his live in whore"? So I left. We fought over this for days until I came up with a solution. We both respected this pastor so I told my wife you call him and if he sides with you I am wrong. If he sides with me, then you are wrong. She called and he sided with me and my wife still said no shes right and I am wrong. She never ever gave in on anything. She lives in her own world black and white according to her own rules. Facts do not matter because it is how she perceives the situation that matters.

My son two weeks ago, who is 26, called her and wanted the family to go to counseling and she said no. And then pressed him on why and he said because he felt we needed a family intervention because she is mentally ill. Of course because of the separation, she called me and blamed me for this which I had nothing to do with it.

the other very interesting factual information is she has never trusted me nor anyone else for that matter ... but especially men. For the first 25 year of our marriage I was perfect -- as should be the standard. The past five years became so unbearable that I started leaving the house looking for outside activities. Unfortunately, I had an affair and met someone who is nice and loves me to death. I told my wife and we tried to work through it but I went back and forth. Especially because of the affair the living situation with her BPD became increasingly unbearable.

She has greatly affected two of my kids. One is 29 years old and has the mind of a 14 year old. She has controlled and manipulated him. My daughter is 30, graduate form college, written three books, one of them is on Amazon but now has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for five years now! She thinks her mother is mentally ill as well and understands that her mother has the inability to look in the mirror. Its always everyone else problem.

We have been separated for two months. I truly believe the only way for her to get the help she desperately needs is for me to be out of the picture. My goal is to divorce then she gets help and I get healthy, no affairs or acting out, then we remarry.

We have been to counseling for over two years. We now have a fantastic counselor we both love. The counselor has said repeatedly to my wife that I have no voice and she never listens to me. So one session, I wanted to take my son to a psychiatrist and she said no hell no and I really don't care what you think or say? In front of the counselor! Is that how you speak to your husband of 31 years? Incidentally, she is also narcissistic which magnifies everything. She grew up poor with 11 siblings. She spent money like it was going out of style to try and make her self feel better. And she never worked in 31 years of marriage but spent well in excess of $1mm on herself.

After we separated, I met with her counselor because I was worried about her. Her counselor said that she doesn't think my wife will ever look in the mirror and change because she has a PHD with google and she is always right. At that point, I am fast forwarding out of there because I can't help her. Then she caught wind of me meeting with her counselor and she went ballistic. Saying I was trying and manipulating her counselor? There is nothing I can do to ever win with her.

My goal is to help my kids to understand and work with their mother.

[31yrs BPD spouse]

Thank you I greatly appreciate it.

[Mutt]

Thank you I greatly appreciate it.

You’re welcome this is what we do here  

BPD are control freaks by nature, or at least my wife is.

A pwBPD have intense feelings and feel out of control inside they’ll try to over control externally to compensate for those internal feelings.

For example, should would put christian literature in their mail boxes and the neighbors requested for her not to do so. I told her don't do it. She always ignored and never ever listened to me. so she kept putting the literature in the mail box and the neighbor got a restraining order.

Getting a RO is pretty drastic, a pwBPD have poor to no personal boundaries on themselves and in turn have a poor understanding of other peoples boundaries- your neighbors boundaries were not respected.

He made me and my family fishing rods. My wife leaned out the window and yelled where everyone could hear, "You get up here right now" " Why are you helping him move in his live in whore"? So I left.

He’s a pretty nice guy of made gifts for your family. I would be really embarrassed in that situation as you probably already know BPD is co-morbid with many other mental illnesses, depression, anxiety, ADHD people that have ADHD can blurt things out that’s what it sounds like to me - her ADHD.

You’re separated for two months, you’ve been married for 31 years and going through a divorce that’s a lot in your plate. Did your talk to your T about how your going to handle this with the kids? What did your T say?  I’m worried that you’re tackling too much at the same time.

[Mustbeabetterway]

 :hi:31 years,

Welcome to BPD family.  This is a good place to learn and gather some tools to help your family.  You have been through a lot.  It takes courage to make a change.  We are a supportive community and I think you will find a lot of understanding here.


I noticed that you said your goal was to divorce and get healthy then remarry?  You may want to take a look at the "Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup" board.  You may find tools on bettering communication and improving your relationship.  Just a suggestion. 

At any rate, post on whichever board suits you best.  We are glad you have found us, although sorry for the rough circumstances that brought you here.  Believe me, we understand.  Members here, myself included, have experienced many of the things you have described.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[31yrs BPD spouse]

I meet with my therapist this week to discuss how to handle the kids and how I should approach them. I sort of spilled the beans to my 30 year old daughter because my wife attacks her and their relationship is and always has been strained because the BPD lacks boundaries with my daughter. My BPD never listens to my daughter neither and one time all hell broke loose, where I was abusive to my daughter a few years ago because I was a rescuer to my BPD whereby my wife would attack my daughter and my daughter would go ballistic then I would get in my daughters face because the wife never listened nor took responsibility for the toxic nature of her personality.

What happened, my daughter has been sick for five years and my BPD wife continually provides or uses her Google PHD to provide literature for my daughter. My daughter specifically requested, in a peaceful and mature manner, NOT TO SHOW ANYMORE INFORMATION. So my wife prints something on the internet shows me and ask me if she should show my daughter? I said NO NO NO -- she requested for you NOT TO SHOW her anymore literature. Never trusting me, nor listening, nor honoring another person's boundaries, rushes upstairs and lays the literature on the bed. When my daughter saw it, she went absolutely ballistic. I get a call to come home and confront my daughters disrespectful behavior! It escalated and I physically assaulted my lovely and sweet daughter. Since then, of course I apologized and my daughter and I are extremely tight.

The way I am approaching my kids, because they all believe their mother is ill, is to say OUR therapists recommends you read this book. I have never thrown my wife under the bus nor been 100% supportive with the kids. I do not triangulate, although I did years ago running interference for wife and trying to fix everything. I learned several years back from a good friend that my wife is responsible for her relationships and therefore I stopped interfering and fixing.

I do not know which Blog site I should be on?

[Mutt]

So you know about triangulation I’d suggest to remain in the center of the triangle.

You’re on the right site if you feel like you’re going to reconcile the I would suggest bettering https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0 if you’re stuck and you’re not sure if you’re staying or going I’d suggest undecided https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=2.0 If you are done with the r/s and determined to get divorced then I’d go suggest stay on this board.

[Stolen]

31 years... .

31 years here also (done now).  24 married,  7 leading up to that.  You can do a lot of rescuing in 31 years. 

One book I can suggest is "Understanding the Borderline Mother"  (https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536334313&sr=8-1&keywords=the+borderline+mother)

(Not sure about the crazy pricing showing up on Amazon now - I certainly didn't pay that much, perhaps you can find it online or via another source)

This could be an excellent vehicle for helping your children understand - but it is a very difficult read for those who have lived it.  Proceed carefully.

[31yrs BPD spouse]

Thank you for the book recommendation. My BPD wife just called me worse then an infidel because money is tight and I have cared for a 30 year old and 28 year old and my narcissistic BPD has spent well in excess of $1mm on herself. I rescued and covered for her for 31 years at my expense. I am a conflict avoider and stuffer.

[Stolen]

I rescued and covered for her for 31 years at my expense. I am a conflict avoider and stuffer.

Join the club.  But I was happy to rescue and cover - I thought that was what commitment was about... .  Imagine my surprise, when faced with the neck-vein bulging rage of "for 25 years I did everything for you!"    Now I understand that was her reality.  She can have it.

[31yrs BPD spouse]

Yep I triangulated, I covered I ran interference I did everything to shield her from herself -- her family, my family the kids, neighbors and friends, thinking my "white" knuckle marriage would make it. Everything was at my expense. I have a lot of bitterness and anger I am trying to work through. The issue is I have to see and deal with her while we are divorcing and it is extremely difficult.