n/a

[rawr27]

N/a

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[isilme]

Well, not to be a devils' advocate, but some strippers make a lot of fast, non-taxed money, and it may seem like fun, right now.  I will put forth she is 18 and it's her life and while you may look down on it, if she wants to do it she is free to do so, distressing as your family may find it.  It's a fun-time-party-girl-lifestyle, and pwBPD have impulse control issues, and want to party and have fun, partly to be able to ignore all the weird turmoil of unregulated emotions they have inside.

The more you protest, the more her impulsive and instant gratification needs from BPD will kick in and make her want to rebel and do it more.  We can only control ourselves, as much as we fear loved ones are engaging in harmful actions.

Again, she is an adult.  She is not breaking any laws.  She has a job you feel is beneath her, that is all.  knowing you disapprove, she tries to make you "feel better" and avoid shame about it by lying.

If she drops out of school, it's not desirable, but this is her life and responsibility to manage.  You can encourage therapy, but therapy for BPD is tough for many reasons.  One of which is the fact that BPD involves avoiding shame and blame.  For DBT to work, the best kind of therapy for BPD, a person has to admit there is a problem, admit they are part of that problem, and admit they need to change, and works honestly on changing.  Can you imagine how hard this is for someone who can't admit blame for silly things, like forgetting something at the store? 

I agree that showing up to shame her is likely not going to help.

What other factors could be present?  Is there anything that happened around the time she started stripping?  Bad breakup?  New friends?  Bad semester in school?  Other stress? 

[rawr27]

N/a

[Turkish]

You could let her know but it would be good to step back and reason why to tell? What would be the goal?

People who suffer from BPD feel core shame ("my feelings are inherently worthless, therefore I'm inherently worthless... .and unlovable").

I get that being lied to is frustrating and the concerns raised about the pitfalls and dangers of the sex industry are valid.  She is likely lying because she will feel shamed by the admission.

[Good2behere]

Hi, Rawr27

I'm glad you found this site. I think your sister is very lucky to have someone who has put so much thought into her well-being as you are.

There are some things that you've written in your post that makes me wonder if you are putting the same amount of thought into your own well-being.

For now, I hope you that you are still able to imagine and move forward with a good life for yourself, even if your sister's problems are not quickly resolved.

Just so that you know where I'm coming from, since you don't know me at all: I have two daughters. The oldest, 24, has BPD and currently, she is doing well compared to where she was. My younger "non" daughter just turned 21. These are two very different people, and it has never been the role of my "non" daughter to help her dad and I fix her sister. That doesn't mean that she doesn't love her, or can't help out or be effective in some way. It just means that it isn't her responsibility.

Again, I can tell that you are a blessing to your family, and on a personal note, you express yourself really well. That is a really huge asset to have in any situation.

I have a few thoughts about the particulars of your sister's difficulties, but first, I just wanted to make sure that you felt listened to, supported, and that we're all in your corner.

g2b

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi rawr27, 

I can tell that you love and care for your sibling very much. That's awesome!   As the others have mentioned, it is very difficult to let her go, and then the question of what to do, if anything? It is the most painful thing to watch someone you love go down a path that is unhealthy and leaves everyone else feeling powerless. I'm sorry for this to even be going on in your family. To step in if she doesn't want the help will most likely not be productive, but to do nothing seems a horrible alternative going the other direction.

I thought I would share an article from our site that takes us all a step back, to return to something basic. It is core though, and I believe it may offer some help for you as you interact with her. She is lying for a reason, and perhaps if she feels validated at her deeper needs, maybe there would be less feelings of guilt (FOG) and more of acceptance of herself. Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

Remember one of the big keys is that we cannot change a BPD. It does have to come from them, seeing the need. You need to stay healthy and take care of yourself. Have you seen a T at all to help you walk this path?

 
Wools

[isilme]

Rawr27,

Thanks for writing back.  I understand the lies are bothersome, and yes, agree that stripping sadly can be a foot in the door to a seedy, unhealthy lifestyle.  Also, some people use it to make some cash, feel they had their young person fun, and moved on to a 9-5 job.  I know some ladies who are former strippers, are not meth addicts and did not go into the sex trade.  So, it is a legitimate worry, but it's not a given this will happen.

I think this "might" be a case of the more you protest, the harder she will dive in.  She is combating poor self-image - she gets instant gratification on stage.  She wants/needs that.  I'd say it might be better if she tried the theater groups on her campus, and she might get similar feedback, but that would lack the "I'm being risque" appeal.

How often is it mentioned?  How often does she contact home when at school?  Can everyone act nonchalant about it for a bit, remove some of the "I'm being rebellious, you can't stop me" appeal?  Don't agree to the lies, just stop attempting to persuade her either way.  Don't help her continue, offer new job ideas if you hear of things she might like, "Suzie's mom says the vet clinic is hiring, didn't you want to work there?  It has a health plan", but don't push it.  If it's a non-issue, and she may no longer lie about it, and it also removes a little of the thrill of doing it.

Lies hurt, but you can see why she'd lie - she feels you are all ashamed of her.  She likely feels (if she is like my husband), "well fine, you're already thinking I am trash, no reason to stop, now."  Is there some way to let her know she's loved, no matter her job choices?