Daughter won’t let me see my Grandchildren

[Enoughisenough2]

Has anyone out there been in the situation I’m in? Being cut off by a child with PD?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Enoughisenough2

Your username suggests that you're pretty fed up with the situation. It unfortunately can indeed be quite difficult dealing with a BPD child.

Could you tell us a bit more about your daughter? Has she been diagnosed with BPD?

The title of your post says your daughter won't let you see your grandchildren. It is very sad when this happens, I have seen several parents on here who've posted about similar experiences of being cut off by their BPD children.

How long has your daughter been doing this and did she give a reason why? Did anything happen leading up to her not letting you see your grandchildren?

Welcome to bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

[Feeling Better]

Hello there Enoughisenough2

Yes, I too am cut off from an adult child, my son with uBPD.

I am so sorry to hear that you are also cut off from seeing your grandchildren, that must be really painful for you. Although my son doesn’t have any children at the moment I face the prospect of not seeing any future grandchildren, it’s a hard reality.

Like Kwamina, I too am wondering whether something happened to trigger your daughter’s actions, has she done this before? x 

[LRitz]

I am in the same situation with my daughter and 2 beautiful, impressionable, granddaughters (2 & 4) and it hurts terribly.  Last time she did this she came around after 3 weeks and acted like nothing happened!  I was shocked but now realize it's the BPD and I shouldn't expect an apology like people told me, just welcome her back.  Hope it doesn't take that long this time... .how long has it been for you? How old are the grandkids? Even though mine are quite young, they have to be getting mixed messages since I'm normally a huge part of their lives.

[Deva]

I am in the same situation,. I have two grand daughters ages 8 and 5. So hurtful to not be allowed to see them. I understand your hurt. We are not allowed to speak by phone or see them. Don’t know what more I can do. I have been an enabler and since I put up boundaries am being punished and children with held. So very sad.
I’d like to hear how others deal with a loss such as this. Thanks.

[devnid]

I, too, have been cut off from my grandson. It has been 10 months since I have seen him. My daughter maintains that she must protect him from me, as she has determined that I have BPD.

Her stories vary, depending on the audience, but essentially the overall story has progressed to me being a horrible mother since she was 10. And interesting thing that I found out recently from her is that since my 3 year old grandson was born, she feels that I have preferred his company to hers. This blew me away; it seems that she now feels that I only cared about spending time with him and not her. There is a grain of truth here.

I explained to her that yes, it is more pleasant to interact with someone that is genuinely happy to see you, rather than someone who is consistently declaring their hate for you and treating you horribly. And let's face it, we love those grand babies!

I miss my daughter, and am keeping the faith that she is still in there somewhere. She has decided to hold him hostage until she has assurance that I will acknowledge all the horrific things I have done and said to her over the years. I have contemplated falling on the sword and just caving to regain some sort of relationship, but my concern now is that even if we did reach some form of co-existence, that she will cut off contact again when she is upset with me. I do not want to risk that for him. He is old enough now that it would be really tough for him to be engaged with us one minute and not the next. Maybe that is the wrong approach?

Any others that have experienced this type of situation? How did you handle it?

[Enoughisenough2]

My situation is not getting better. This past November I tried counseling with my daughter. It didn’t work. She kept saying things like,” you made me come here and you are trying to bring me down”. I’m done trying. It’s best I go on with my life. Missing my two grandsons. Wondering what they must think. I can’t live my life just hoping they will come back to me. I ask myself all the time, “what happened?”  I will never know the answers.

[Hope...]

Hello
Im very sorry for your pain. I understand... When I had boundaries like u... I was/am being punished... However I am trying to ignore her tantrums...
I have kept sending cards and gifts to the kids... I sent checks for their birthdays and know they got them because the checks were cashed. I know I nee dto keep loving as hard as it is... I will not give up and want to be there for my grandkids... we have to have faith and change so that we are stable in their unstableness... That is what Im learning... sad but good to see that there are others in my situation... makes me feel a little less lonely. thanks for sharing. Hope

[wendydarling]

Hi Enoughisenough2

I hear you, you're done trying, it's hard when effort and progress we make, building trust, goes backwards, you did well getting your DD to counselling, how did that come about? I'm sorry your situation is not getting better, many parents in similar situations ask themselves the exact question "What happened?" Will I ever know.

It's part of the work we do here to understand our children's behaviour, diagnosed or not. What's the back history with your DD if you are comfortable to share, it helps to talk we're all listening. Is NC on and off? Has your DD received a diagnosis, any help of any kind, does she deny she's struggling? What kind of behaviours have you been dealing with over the years? Oops, lot's of questions.

You are right, we have a life to live. Do you have support, family, friend?

Hugs

WDx

[RedRyder]

Has anyone out there been in the situation I’m in? Being cut off by a child with PD?

Welcome, Enoughisenough2! You are in friendly territory here.

I have had my GS' kept from me, too. Sadly, many of us here have that common experience with our grandchildren.

For me, if I give it time, it usually changes. Not a quick answer, I know. It's really hard and often scary worrying about the well-being of the little ones.

A virtual hug   for you.

RR