I want to tell S3’s mom that I love her.

[JNChell]

I’ve had a great weekend with our boy. I wish that his mother could’ve been here with us. I miss her. I would feel better watching our boy play with my arm around her and being lazy on a Sunday afternoon. I miss her so much.

Please don’t move this to Bettering or Conflicted. I’m neither. I just miss her.

[Turkish]

I still kind of miss the mother of my children.  We went to lunch today and it was good. I moved past her rudeness call two weeks ago which triggered me.  I don't love her as "in love" with her,  but I still care about her.  I think it's natural to miss the other parent of our kids.  Are you ok with that? How much are you struggling?

[JNChell]

Hello, Turkish.

I think it's natural to miss the other parent of our kids.  Are you ok with that? How much are you struggling?

What you described is all this was. I’m ok with it. I’m not really struggling with this much at all anymore. Chalk it up to a residual occurrence sprinkled with some nostalgia. Wishful thinking while enjoying my Son’s company.

You mentioned not being “in love” with your ex, but caring about her. I drift in and out of caring about my ex. I’m pretty angry with her, and it becomes confusing when these residual feelings impede the anger. I understand that none of this is linear, but these fluctuations in my feelings towards her can become confusing and I start to question myself again. It’s not nearly as intense as it became during the relationship, but there’s a little bit of the questioning my reality left in there and it’s pretty uncomfortable. I have to be mindful to not allow that to manifest past a wishful thought.

[Mutt]

I wish that my S7 would have seen mom and dad together he was just a baby when we split. On the other hand it's probably a good thing that we broke up when he was so young. He talks about his mom, I know that the kids love her and they just know her as their mom and don't see that she can't have healthy r/s's and that she has poor interpersonal skills.

Do I care about her? I care about her I'm not in love with her I love my gf, I keep her as far away from me as possible ( uBPDex ) because if you let her in she is going to cause a lot of havoc and a lot of distress. I hope that by having hard boundaries and removing myself from her support system that if there is a chance that she will get herself some help in the future that might speed it up a little.

I think that if she does get better she'll do it because of the kids not for me. I just want them to have their r/s with mom.

I understand that none of this is linear, but these fluctuations in my feelings towards her can become confusing and I start to question myself again. It’s not nearly as intense as it became during the relationship, but there’s a little bit of the questioning my reality left in there and it’s pretty uncomfortable.

I think that you need more time behind you JNChell

[JNChell]

Hi, Mutt.
I know that it’s best to keep as much distance as I can between S3’s mom and myself. I just get nostalgic at times. I know that it’s all about the “honeymoon phase”. The love bombing. The nagging “what if’s”. You’re right, letting her in would be a very bad idea. Things have been very quiet between us for a while. I hope that it will stay this way, but I’m assuming that as our Son grows, things have the potential of getting noisy again.

I think that you need more time behind you JNChell

You’re a veteran here and I trust your knowledge.

[Turkish]

Ah this point,  and I've actually felt this for a while,  I miss the idea of her more than her,  or the ideal of an intact family.  Like tonight at back to school night.  We were together and then she took the kids home for the next two days,  but we were together briefly as a family such as it is now, and has been for over five years so I've had time to adjust myself to reality. 

[JNChell]

Ah this point,  and I've actually felt this for a while,  I miss the idea of her more than her,  or the ideal of an intact family.  Like tonight at back to school night.  We were together and then she took the kids home for the next two days,  but we were together briefly as a family such as it is now, and has been for over five years so I've had time to adjust myself to reality.

I miss the idea too. The intact family, as you put it. I hope that our Son doesn’t feel like he’s being pulled in different directions. I hope that he feels that he’s going in different directions.

I don’t know how you do it. I will never get there with my ex. I don’t feel any obligation to be in the presence of my abusers. How are you able to do this?

[Turkish]

Compartmentalizing. Or Wisemind, take your pick  

None of this is easy, but this is life; more importantly,  it's the life my children are living due to us rather than them.  Here my ex would say "OUR children!" She actually says that when I slip up even though I don't mean anything by it.  

She sometimes sends me texts,  "how are our children doing?" Never "the kids."