Adult child slowly shuts me out of hers and her family’s life, miss my grandkids

[LRitz]

My adult child 26yrs old, has done this for the 2nd time in about 2 1/2 years... .she starts off inviting me everywhere with her and the grandkids, (2 of them, 2&4 yrs old, and they love gram!). All of a sudden she starts slowly shutting me out, uninviting me to things now, doing and saying things she knows will be hurtful, but in a roundabout way so it’s not so obvious, especially to others. She goes from texting constantly, to very seldom answering my texts, and I know she always has her phone on her! I have been walking on eggshells cuz I felt it coming again, last time it was 3 weeks of not seeing my beautiful granddaughters, whom I adore and see several times a week, and it hurt me so bad. Fast forward to last week, i obviously said something wrong, or acted wrong and here we go again. “We don’t need a babysitter anymore, I’m cancelling the birthday party... .etc”, never figured out the last time what I did, she just came around and acted like nothing was wrong and I was afraid to say anything, I was just so happy to see my grandkids. Any suggestions? I feel worthless and empty

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustGMa]

I am going through this with my DIL. Haven't seen my granddaughter since mid-July. My son has been working out of town and thankfully will be home in the next few days. My DIL also cancelled my GD's birthday party, and put her in day care 5 days a week. I have been reading a lot of things here and hope she will get help soon. This sounds like I could have written it. She is pregnant and due in Dec. and y GD is going to be 2 in less than two weeks. I pray things will get better soon because I miss my GD so much it hurts!

[wendydarling]

Welcome to the family, Hi LRitz   Hi to you too JustGma 

I'm really sorry you grandma's are going through this and hurting badly.  
You'll find that you are not alone as there are several other grand-moms/dads here that are dealing with an adult child/in law who has BPD traits. What do you know about BPD so far?

I'm so glad you've joined us and shared your heartfelt first post. Here is a hug to start.   Such sad stuff, this turmoil of dealing with someone who has BPD. I'm so sorry.

LRitz sounds like your daughter may be aware she's struggling, coming back first time as though nothing happened, no explanation? Perhaps she's feeling shame, brushing it under the carpet.

That's hard for you not knowing what's triggered her this time round. It may not be anything you've said, done …. have you asked her?

WDx

[LRitz]

I don’t think it’s any one thing that sets her off, it’s when I quietly walk away in tears because I’ve been letting her treat me like crap for long enough and I can’t take it anymore. It’s like she keeps pushing me away to see how long I’ll take it, than it will be MY fault cuz I walked away (after giving the grandkids a hug,kiss etc). I’m not initiating the conversation this time cuz last time I got an earful of terrible, nasty things. I’m reading a couple books trying to understand it and I believe there’s a lot more stuff going on in her head, just can’t quite understand why they push people away instead of talking to them. I guess I talk about my problems, prob too much! So it’s hard for me to understand this.  I have always walked on eggshells around her, from little on. It may have to do with her dad leaving at 5 yrs old (he went to jail, we divorced), the abandonment thing... .among other things. I want to help and I want her to be happy, she has a lot to be happy about... .

[LRitz]

And no explanation when she came back around last time. I’m afraid to talk to her about it, I was just so happy to see my granddaughter again.

[wendydarling]

Hi LRitz

Hugs to you   

I don’t think it’s any one thing that sets her off, it’s when I quietly walk away in tears because I’ve been letting her treat me like crap for long enough and I can’t take it anymore. It’s like she keeps pushing me away to see how long I’ll take it, than it will be MY fault cuz I walked away (after giving the grandkids a hug,kiss etc).

Some people with BPD project to others, do you think that may be happening with your daughter? Projection is a defence mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way, to someone else. Here's a link to more on projection, BPD Behaviors: Projection

Things can get better the more we understand what we are dealing with and what we can control and what we cannot control. What books are you reading LRitz?

WDx

[LRitz]

My adult child 26yrs old, has done this for the 2nd time in about 2 1/2 years... .she starts off inviting me everywhere with her and the grandkids, (2 of them, 2&4 yrs old, and they love gram!). All of a sudden she starts slowly shutting me out, uninviting me to things now, doing and saying things she knows will be hurtful, but in a roundabout way so it’s not so obvious, especially to others. She goes from texting constantly, to very seldom answering my texts, and I know she always has her phone on her! I have been walking on eggshells cuz I felt it coming again, last time it was 3 weeks of not seeing my beautiful granddaughters, whom I adore and see several times a week, and it hurt me so bad. Fast forward to last week, i obviously said something wrong, or acted wrong and here we go again. “We don’t need a babysitter anymore, I’m cancelling the birthday party... .etc”, never figured out the last time what I did, she just came around and acted like nothing was wrong and I was afraid to say anything, I was just so happy to see my grandkids. Any suggestions? I feel worthless and empty

UPDATE...she came around and all has been good until last Sunday.  Her and her sister are not getting along so who gets punished? Me! I know for sure that I’ve done nothing wrong.  The grandkids are 7 mo., almost 3, and 5 yrs old. Don’t you think they (older ones) wonder what’s going on here? I miss them so badly it hurts physically! I don’t want to keep living life like this and she sees no problem in her behavior. (She is now 27). Help...I need advice , even tho I’ve been thru this 3x in 31/2 years. It just gets worse!