BPD back again after remission

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Background. 3 years ago my husband with UBPD reached the end of a month long dysreg culminating in domestic violence towards me... .he punched me in the face. The result was court case and counselling. He was completely sorry and also most importantly, he completely stopped drinking which had been fueling the violence. He hasn’t had one alcohol drink since then.

These 3 years later and he hadn’t really had a dysregulation in all that time. Sure minor spats, grumpy to bed but Ok by the next day and it has been the happiest time of my life. We talked about everything and I became myself again. Sure he still was eccentric but seemingly normal and loving towards me. Until... .a few days ago when we stayed with my son and his partner. Husband has never liked this son of mine and had a bad experience towards him when visiting him years ago.

This time an incident occurred whereby my son was driving and dropping us off at a restaurant. My husband hadn’t yet closed the car door while exiting the car when my son drove off to park. The car door slammed shut as he sped off to avoid holding up traffic. It was a hasty moment but no one (or property)  was injured.

The result was almost a fight between H and S when son rejoined us. I was oblivious to how husband had taken the incident. H was furious and accused S of trying to kill him, moved into son’s space with his chin slightly raised, saying “do you have a problem with me”. To my surprise my son 42 said “ do you want to fight me”. Husband stormed off, made his way to their house took our car and I didn’t hear from him for hours.

He phoned and said he was driving home and would wait for a few minutes out the front for me to join him with our bags if I wanted a lift back to our home. To do otherwise would have meant a flight home.

That day and over the next few days, husband went on to become more and more dysregulated, raving how he couldn’t stand my son, how I was defending him, being disloyal to husband and finally to displays of leaving our home and wanting a divorce. I was so out of practice at using the tools that I made things worse by JADEing and yelling back.

After a few days he calmed down but there is once again a wall between us. I have now had to come down to the city for medical appointments and he is playing games again. Not answering the phone or acknowledging my texts.

I guess I am learning the hard way that BPD never goes away... .remission Yes but it is always lurking under the surface.


 

[townhouse]

Background. 3 years ago my husband with UBPD reached the end of a month long dysreg culminating in domestic violence towards me... .he punched me in the face. The result was court case and counselling. He was completely sorry and also most importantly, he completely stopped drinking which had been fueling the violence. He hasn’t had one alcohol drink since then.

These 3 years later and he hadn’t really had a dysregulation in all that time. Sure minor spats, grumpy to bed but Ok by the next day and it has been the happiest time of my life. We talked about everything and I became myself again. Sure he still was eccentric but seemingly normal and loving towards me. Until... .a few days ago when we stayed with my son and his partner. Husband has never liked this son of mine and had a bad experience towards him when visiting him years ago.

This time an incident occurred whereby my son was driving and dropping us off at a restaurant. My husband hadn’t yet closed the car door while exiting the car when my son drove off to park. The car door slammed shut as he sped off to avoid holding up traffic. It was a hasty moment but no one (or property)  was injured.

The result was almost a fight between H and S when son rejoined us. I was oblivious to how husband had taken the incident. H was furious and accused S of trying to kill him, moved into son’s space with his chin slightly raised, saying “do you have a problem with me”. To my surprise my son 42 said “ do you want to fight me”. Husband stormed off, made his way to their house took our car and I didn’t hear from him for hours.

He phoned and said he was driving home and would wait for a few minutes out the front for me to join him with our bags if I wanted a lift back to our home. To do otherwise would have meant a flight home.

That day and over the next few days, husband went on to become more and more dysregulated, raving how he couldn’t stand my son, how I was defending him, being disloyal to husband and finally to displays of leaving our home and wanting a divorce. I was so out of practice at using the tools that I made things worse by JADEing and yelling back.

After a few days he calmed down but there is once again a wall between us. I have now had to come down to the city for medical appointments and he is playing games again. Not answering the phone or acknowledging my texts.

I guess I am learning the hard way that BPD never goes away... .remission Yes but it is always lurking under the surface.


 

[formflier]

I do remember your story.

Like you... BPD has gotten much less in my relationship.  That means there is a "shocking" quality when it shows up, as opposed to being numb to it.

What I've found is "being shocked" helps hook me in and "feed the cycle".

I wish I had more time... .but my quick impression.

I think you should have let him drive home alone. 

Your son backed him down... called his bluff if you will.  Leave it at that.  Let your hubby manage his emotions over that.  After a time... I would hope you and your son can take some emotional leadership to help calm the relationship.

You seem to know a lot of details about his dysregulations.  I'm guessing you stick around.  Likely best to "give him space" to be mad.  Let the fire burn out if you will.

Hope for the future:  Polish up your skills... .be disciplined, and I be this will calm soon. 

 

FF

[Cat Familiar]

That "loyalty" thing seems textbook BPD--pitting your loyalties either with him or against him and with your son--so frustrating to be on the receiving end of those types of accusations. Black and white thinking--no nuance.

I agree with FF. His issue is with your son and the more you can stay out of it, the better. Easier said than done, I know.

Why stick around to listen to that nonsense? And if he's not answering the phone or acknowledging your texts, give it time. You know if he follows the BPD playbook at some point he will feel abandoned, so why not wait until he calls you? In the meantime, enjoy your visit to the city and have a nice meal and maybe see a movie or go to a museum.

[formflier]

A big  BIG lesson my P keep pushing at me. 

Sometimes the most loving thing I can do is give a loved one space to have their emotions.

I also agreem with Cat... .many time easier said than done, but once I feel the "tug" to go down the road towards "emotional vomit"... .or "fall of the wagon"... .or "loose my emotional sobriety"... ., having that goal helps me realize that THEY are the ones with an extreme reaction, and I don't have to go with them.

   

FF

[townhouse]

Thanks to FF and Cat for answering my post. Sort of feel like old aquaintences. Really appreciate your thoughts and taking the time to respond to me at this time when I need to talk it out with people who understand. So glad to hear ( in another post and I hope this is allowed to mention) that you Cat, are experiencing joy in your relationship and FF no one tries harder than you to keep good positive feelings alive in your marriage.   

I often read the Boards here at BPD Family and I appreciate generally, how truely dedicated we nons are to our partners even when conflicted. Sometimes the subject of enmeshment or enabling or co dependency comes up and we feel we must refrain from being like this. I do agree we, as individuals must not get lost in our partner... .but I also see the fine line between enmeshment and genuine love and care for the partner with BPD.

My husband is of the Hermit type BPD so for me there is always the worry that he will completely push me away. He did do this once forcing me to leave about 7 years ago. We were apart for 6 months and he called me asking could we meet.

During his ranting and extinction burst of last week he touched on this but in a strange way. He said that he couldn’t stand that he felt deeply for me, that he missed me when I went away or even when I went out for a few hours and this was something new to him and he didn’t like it and this was one of the reasons we shouldn’t be together. Yes Wow. To me those are reasons why we are with someone... .we love them and want to be with them.

I didn’t say anything at that time but it is playing over in my mind now that we are apart for a few days. Anyway, I’m leaving him alone and even trying not to call or text. This is hard for me to do as I do worry about him and of course miss him.

[AskingWhy]

Thanks to FF and Cat for answering my post. Sort of feel like old aquaintences. Really appreciate your thoughts and taking the time to respond to me at this time when I need to talk it out with people who understand. So glad to hear ( in another post and I hope this is allowed to mention) that you Cat, are experiencing joy in your relationship and FF no one tries harder than you to keep good positive feelings alive in your marriage.  

I often read the Boards here at BPD Family and I appreciate generally, how truely dedicated we nons are to our partners even when conflicted. Sometimes the subject of enmeshment or enabling or co dependency comes up and we feel we must refrain from being like this. I do agree we, as individuals must not get lost in our partner... .but I also see the fine line between enmeshment and genuine love and care for the partner with BPD.

My husband is of the Hermit type BPD so for me there is always the worry that he will completely push me away. He did do this once forcing me to leave about 7 years ago. We were apart for 6 months and he called me asking could we meet.

During his ranting and extinction burst of last week he touched on this but in a strange way. He said that he couldn’t stand that he felt deeply for me, that he missed me when I went away or even when I went out for a few hours and this was something new to him and he didn’t like it and this was one of the reasons we shouldn’t be together. Yes Wow. To me those are reasons why we are with someone... .we love them and want to be with them.

I didn’t say anything at that time but it is playing over in my mind now that we are apart for a few days. Anyway, I’m leaving him alone and even trying not to call or text. This is hard for me to do as I do worry about him and of course miss him.

I am reading, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder."  It is very helpful.

There is a section on male BPDs and domestic violence.  The book says something to the effect of "imagine being terrified of those you love abandoning you," and having to face a no-one looking back at you in the mirror.   (Fear of abandonment and lack of identity.)

https://www.amazon.com/Essential-Family-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/1592853633

I am sorry your H dysregulated and I know the feeling well. Things are going well, at times for a long time, and then some trigger rears its head and the pwBPD will start up all over again.

Not answering the phone or texts is a form of silent treatment, a time-honored tactic of BPDs.  It's very childish.  Have you considered your H might be a pouty, petulant subtype?

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/borderline/2012/01/becoming-more-specific-subtypes-of-borderline-personality-disorder

Mine certainly is.  And call me codependent.

Take care and thank you for coming back again.  Be strong.

[Cat Familiar]

During his ranting and extinction burst of last week he touched on this but in a strange way. He said that he couldn’t stand that he felt deeply for me, that he missed me when I went away or even when I went out for a few hours and this was something new to him and he didn’t like it and this was one of the reasons we shouldn’t be together. Yes Wow. To me those are reasons why we are with someone... .we love them and want to be with them.

He apparently doesn't like being vulnerable, caring so much about you and missing you when you're not near. That's a valuable piece of information.

I don't accompany my husband on some of his trips out of town just because we don't enjoy similar entertainments: I love to attend horse shows and he loves the symphony. Then when he does leave, he "misses" me terribly and calls and sends messages telling me that.

I used to feel complemented by that, but now I chalk it up to his insecurity. But nonetheless, it's good to know that he does think of me, not "out of sight, out of mind."

I'm glad that you were able to stay on an even keel for a number of years, townhouse.    It sounds like you've been able to successfully take the lessons on board, as you walk that tenuous tightrope between caring and codependency. It definitely gets easier with time and practice, but we always are mindful of the danger of getting out of balance.  

Cat

[formflier]

And remember... .you have those lessons onboard and you have experience.

Yes... your hubby may go hide for a while... .he may do (fill in the blank), yet you know that your skills are way better than they were when you first found us.

Also... you have the knowledge that many times it's best to let them be them and let the fire burn out (no adding fuel)

Have you been able to talk directly to your hubby about the incident about "getting in each others faces"?

FF

[townhouse]

FF asks ‘have you been able to talk about the incident of getting in each other’s faces’
The only time we’ve talked about it was during the first few days of dysreg when it was more of a yelling session particularly from him telling me everything my son and I did wrong according to him (H).

You all know how it goes... .every word, gesture or consideration was not right according to his view of the situation. I tried to ‘explain’ that Son did at first apologise and offer excuse of holding up traffic. Also that I was at first taken completely by surprise at his reaction because I simply didn’t notice his distress.  I was too busy noticing the entrance of the restaurant, the flowers, the decor, the people. I had even snapped a quick photo of the flowers before son joined us and the trouble started.

This of course didn’t go down at all well. I should have noticed his shock at nearly ‘being killed’.  Lots of ‘You don’t care’ ‘You’re just wrapped up in yourself’... .and Yes in those few moments I was.

 Now I can understand that he took the speeding off and the car door slamming in a bad way. People can and do get an unexpected ‘shock’. I guess I was enjoying myself and was off guard because he had been so well for so long.

It seems people with BPD need their partner available to assist them to moderate their own emotional state. (validation). I am usually there, but in this case I wasn’t. His needs weren’t met and hence the intense anger when I and my son failed to meet his further expectations.

[Cat Familiar]

The only time we’ve talked about it was during the first few days of dysreg when it was more of a yelling session particularly from him telling me everything my son and I did wrong according to him (H).

You all know how it goes... .every word, gesture or consideration was not right according to his view of the situation. I tried to ‘explain’ that Son did at first apologise and offer excuse of holding up traffic. Also that I was at first taken completely by surprise at his reaction because I simply didn’t notice his distress.  

I often wonder about the utility of talking about these past events. On the one hand, it seems like it could allow for an understanding of other's experiences and perhaps a reconsideration of the pwBPD's reaction.    Maybe if all the stars are in perfect alignment at that moment.  

Considering the odds, sometimes I still attempt to do this, with variable results. One thing I've finally learned is to gauge the reaction, moment by moment, and if I see a dysregulation starting to build up, then I immediately back off and begin validating and using SET--or maybe just Sympathy and Empathy.

With my husband, there's often so much shame about his behavior when he realizes that he's been a jerk, that talking about it is not productive. Though he understands that he's behaved poorly, he often doesn't seem to evaluate alternate explanations for other people's behavior and reactions. He typically seems to cast himself in the victim role.

Perhaps your husband finds some "comfort" of sorts in feeling like a victim too. I've been the recipient of "you don't care" and "you're just wrapped up in yourself" on many occasions when I was just happily moving through the world, enjoying my five senses. The presumption of the pwBPD is that because one loves them, then we should immediately be focused upon the drama that they're inhabiting and care deeply about what they're thinking and feeling in the moment. Interestingly enough, this doesn't seem to be a reciprocal situation for our own concerns.  

[Red5]

 I was too busy noticing the entrance of the restaurant, the flowers, the decor, the people. I had even snapped a quick photo of the flowers... .

This happens to me sometimes as well, I sometimes get a little to comfortable, sometimes just for a moment I forget, I actually let my guard down and start living life, ie’ enjoying the “five senses” as Cat spoke of, .we all crave “normal”... .and sometimes we start to “enjoy” just a little too much and we forget... .like happy hour at the squadron bar  ... .

I guess I was enjoying myself and was off guard because he had been so well for so long... .

... .yes, I call this the “comfort zone”, and beware the comfort zone, don’t stay there too long.

The presumption of the pwBPD is that because one loves them, then we should immediately be focused upon the drama that they're inhabiting and care deeply about what they're thinking and feeling in the moment. Interestingly enough, this doesn't seem to be a reciprocal situation for our own concerns... .

Very true!... .yes the person-with /BPD wants us the Non to be right there with them in their dysregulation... .and they want us to stop what ever it is we are doing at the moment and come to their aid-rescue, with a wheel barrow full of validation... .yes the Non is expected to immediately drop everything... .upon request... .even if that “thing” is a running 3.5 hp chain saw!... ., yup... .happened to me just yesterday;... .I ain’t even kidding  !

Yes I agree with the advice of “G-O-L-E”, which means “go on living everyday”; and let the BPD event burn out due to lack of oxygen, .

Hang in there townhouse!

Kind Regards, Red5

[formflier]

I agree that wisdom should be applied to situations with a pwBPD in regards to "bringing up the past" (even a few days past).

If you can find a way to let a situation go... .that's great.

That being said... there is being a jerk (which should be let go... usually) and there is "getting just to the point of a fist fight".

It would have been best to "let it go" and avoid any and all yelling and "unproductive" behavior while waiting for a time to address is with calmer voices.

I can't imagine anything good coming from leaving this unaddressed in some way... especially with yelling and such after.

Don't be part of the yelling and crazy.

FF

[Red5]

If you can find a way to let a situation go... .that's great.

That being said... there is being a jerk (which should be let go... usually) and there is "getting just to the point of a fist fight".

I can't imagine anything good coming from leaving this unaddressed in some way... especially with yelling and such... .

H was furious and accused S of trying to kill him, moved into son’s space with his chin slightly raised, saying “do you have a problem with me”. To my surprise my son 42 said “ do you want to fight me”. Husband stormed off, made his way to their house took our car and I didn’t hear from him for hours.

That old Hank Williams Jr. tune “Attitude Adjustment” just popped into my head !

Sometimes actions have imeadiate consequences... .

Sometimes the most effective and memorable life lessons are learnt the “hard way”.

Sometimes when one party crosses over another partie’s boundary, the consequences of the “boarder crossing” is reaped forthwith without any quarter... .

I certainly know nothing of your families dynamics... .but as an outsider looking in, H is lucky he did not get into an altercation with your Son, .to quote the spinach consuming character with the corn cob pipe... .“H was cruising for a bruising” !

Men handle things much differently than women do, BPD or no BPD!

I’ve witnessed this many times over the past week and a half in my own town after hurricane Florence came to visit us !

Yeah, wow!

Human nature never disappoints !

After one week of no electricity... .you had to go “shopping” packing heat, no joke !... .

Red5

[townhouse]

Thanks again to Cat, FF and Red5 for their insightful comments to help ease me through these troubled times. So true Cat what you said about your husband c/w mine and the shame they feel when they SOMETIMES know they’ve been a jerk.

As a follow up to let you know how things are going I thought I’d mention that I’ve had phone connection with my husband.

I’ve been staying at our small home/ townhouse in the city while he is staying in the country. While here in the city I was taking this time to get some Solar panels installed on the roof. These installation guys were giving me trouble and also broke a few roof tiles. All very annoying and anxiety provoking for me.

I phoned H and talked to him about it all. He was in a good mood and was his old kind self. He did say however, that he didn’t want to talk anymore about these incompetent workman because he ‘would lose (his) temper and as I know,  that can have bad consequences’  This must be be as close to an acknowledgement as I’m ever likely to get about what happened over the last week or so.  I let it go and didn’t say anything while inwardly doing a happy dance.

So perhaps the dysreg is over and he is OK again. Phew... .but don’t worry... .I know it’s just till the next time! And I am truely thankful that he isn’t still drinking.

[Enabler]

Hey townhouse, I'm new to your story so you have the benefit of a fresh pair of eyes.

I have a couple of observations/questions:

- My guess is that this event with your son has been thought about quite a bit by your H... .the last interaction was bad and therefore it would figure that he was expecting it to be bad again. It was almost a self fulfilling prophecy as he was looking for a slight and found it.

- The slight happened and your H looked to attack and confront the attacker (your Son)

- He backed down when your son fronted up to him... .would this have happened 3 years ago, do you believe it was because he knew he'd have his @ss handed to him or because he made a choice to 'fix' a bad situation he knew he'd created... .basically was this his 'healthy' way of coping with his BPDish behaviour? Yes, the original event was dysfunctional, but did he try and nip it in the bud?

- Was the waiting outside an attempt to stay away from a situation he knew would continue to bring out the worst in him?

- Did you show/tell him that you were proud that he 'stopped' the situation? Does he now feel he 'did the right thing' by not fighting your son, yet you don't see the good in his behaviour?... .Dobson's 'Hope is not enough' gives a memorable example of his daughter coming home at 3am. Most parents reaction would be to fly into one about how she shouldn't be out that late, she was grounded and they were disappointed in her... .however, the primary emotion he felt at the time was that of worry and concern for her welfare, yet when she arrived home rather than showing concern he would rip into her. As a flip to this he made sure that his primary emotion was on show... .that of concern "I'm so glad you are home safely, we were so worried. Get yourself to bed now and we'll talk about this tomorrow."

- He recognizes his potential and is making choices to avoid that potential e.g. stopping the discussion about the workmen. He has gained self awareness which is great. Do you compliment his positive choices to avoid conflict which probably feels so natural to him?

I hope this situation continues to calm down for you and you're able to continue to poor water on his fires. It's tough to realise that the beast is always in there but maybe a reminder that certain events hold more emotions to him than you. Does he talk about things he knows are going to be emotionally tough?

Enabler

[townhouse]

Lovely to hear your thoughts Enabler.

Yes I guess the visit to my son was self fulfilling. H doesn’t like him (S). I had a premonition that things would go badly and actually asked H before we left if he was sure he wanted to come. He said Yes was looking forward to it. He had been so trouble free that I went along with it. Part of the problem was that my son and his partner have a dog... .large,  smelly, boisterous Labrador. H is very sensitive about smells, noises and staying there would have been very triggering for him even without the human interaction.

H really doesn’t interact with anyone except myself, my 3 sons occasionally , and people where he shops. He has 2 daughters one of which won’t speak to him ( she is classic UBPD) and the other only occasionally on the phone, which triggers him. He won’t speak to his two brothers, only rarely emailing them and emailing a couple of old aunts. His brothers have been diagnosed one with delusional erotomania (thinks people love him) and the other has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). We are retired and while I go out, have lots of friends etc, H only goes out with me.

To answer your question if I showed him that I was pleased he ‘stopped the situation’ ... .well no I didn’t. H was so furious that we didn’t speak for a couple of hours and then when we did speak things went badly.  And Yes a lot to do with the way I handled it.

I do compliment and validate. It’s actually my language style ( I’m a generally uplifting positive sort of person) and in a way I guess that’s why we’ve managed to get on so well dysreg and extinction bursts aside.  But I’m first to admit that this incident pushed my buttons I guess because my son was involved and like most mothers I guess I’m protective.

Regarding ‘does he talk about things he knows are going to be emotionally tough’ Yes he does,  as this is the way he avoids going anywhere where there are likely to be people/ friends/ family. He knows something will trigger him so he usually avoids social contact. This last upset has probably just confirmed to him even more that he doesn’t do well with incidents provoked, as he would see it, by other people.

[Enabler]

What would you do differently if the whole scenario played out again?

You asked him, he said he was cool and looking forward to it... .what would you do now... .?

[townhouse]

Yes it’s a lot easier in hindsight to say I should have insisted that he didn’t come with me to visit my son. However, we were also intending to visit a major site on the way back which we were both really looking forward to. Needless to say that didn’t happen, but it was part of the reasoning why he came with me in the first place.

I go back home tomorrow, and here’s hoping things are a lot better than when I left 10 days ago.

 

[Enabler]

Could you have arranged to stay in a hotel rather than insist he didn't come at all. Maybe he hoped it would go differently even though he assumed it wouldn't. I imagine he will avoid coming in future.

What have you told your son(s) about his sensitivities? Clearly they are aware and I guess they are very protective over their mother and don't like the risk being around you. Have you had 'that' conversation with them?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing if only as a learning tool. What's done is done, but we can learn from things.

Enabler

[townhouse]

Enabler, my sons have been fantastic towards my husband after the initial shock of the physical abuse. They have come to understand that he is truely sorry that it happened. If he started drinking again they would confront him.

So I’ve been back home a few days and it has been very interesting. I guess you could say that H’s whole demeanour is one of shame at the moment. He is polite but distant. At times I have thought he is plotting to have me out of his life but then I change my mind.  Sometimes I self talk and over dramatise the situation as I too get triggered by all that I have been through with him over the 20 years we’ve been together. I think this is why I am on the Conflicted board, because at times I sometimes think about giving up and just accepting that I might be better off on my own. Then this passes.

We were discussing the appointment of the SC judge that has been in the news in the US and about sexual abuse towards women in general. He said that ‘it’s hard for him to think about it because of what he did to me’. I replied that there had not been sexual abuse between us and that our incident hadn’t crossed my mind in reference to the US appointment. He said ‘you’re lucky... .it’s all I think about, I’m so sorry’ I replied gently ‘OK’ and then gradually went on to talk about a TV programme we had seen.

I am thinking that he’s thought about the whole dysreg and what he had shouted at me and guilt and shame has come up for him big time. He looks awful.

I am taking it one day at a time, trying to validate, trying to not make things worse and trying not to validate the invalid. I am also hoping that he will improve again when this depression lifts. He is sleeping a lot 10-11 hours at night plus 2 sleeps of 2 hours  during the day.

[Enabler]

In many respects that is a lovely story, and actually pretty rare for the boards to hear of someone showing such deep remorse. It appears that he is ruminating on it... .a lot, which is probably what holds him in his depression. Not to lead you but I am trying to empathise with you... .on the one hand I would be disappointed if he bounced back too quickly, but on the other hand, what is done is done, he acknowledges what he did was wrong, but what does staying in a state of depression do for him/you.

I'm wondering if there is anything you can say to him which acknowledges that what he did was wrong, and not acceptable, however that you would prefer that life goes on and we learn from the mistakes rather than dwell on them. Acknowledge his guilt but release him from his need to keep persecuting himself with it? I'm sure you would prefer for him to come out of his depression and move on.

Great that you get to be back home

Enabler

[Cat Familiar]

My husband beats himself up with guilt and remorse. It doesn’t always translate to more self awareness however. Sometimes he gets stuck in the guilt-depression cycle.

But it’s certainly preferable to a narcissist without a conscience.

I think what is advisable for you to do is to carry on like you’ve been. Acknowledging what he says and then changing the subject to something without the emotional charge.

[townhouse]

I thought I’d follow up on my previous posts.

The dysreg is over for this time. Well over for me as he loves me again. I seem to have gained a special permanent place in his heart that has only room for 3... .me and his two daughters. Everyone else can go to he... I must try to remember this ‘next’ time.

It’s kind of funny how he rationalises the events of the past few weeks. Talks about his temper and his pride.  ( his father apparently had a bad temper). He mentions that we can both give as good as we get when arguing. This, to me, seems a simplistic way of rationalising the craziness of the disorder. We are both very grateful that he has stopped drinking and that he shows no sign of going back there.

That I left the home for 10 days definitely helped and I am grateful that I have a situation that allows this. I do use the tools especially validation but also not validating the invalid. And of course Radical Acceptance.

In our situation where there is nobody else, I guess I can have a little more sympathetic view of BPD. Not trying to make excuses for them, but trying to understand how hard it must be for them in their own brain in a kindly way.

My husband has studied much literature  trying to discover why he is the way he is. He discovered the idea of the ‘hungry ghost’ in Chinese Buddhism mythology, which sort of fits.  He once said he felt like an old piece of jelly fish washed up on the shore that people could just kicked when they passed by. Thoughts like these bring sadness to me, that this is how he feels he fits into the world.

Understanding  and being sympathetic can also be seen as enabling but I think if one can understand oneself and stay true to ones own self, then surely there is a place for kindness, understanding and acceptance of our partners.

[Enabler]

Understanding  and being sympathetic can also be seen as enabling but I think if one can understand oneself and stay true to ones own self, then surely there is a place for kindness, understanding and acceptance of our partners.

I’m so pleased you have managed to weather the storm and come out the other side. He is lucky to have you walking alongside him on his life journey. You used the skills and the board for support and advice, but credit where credit is due, your husband sounds like he’s having the kind of self reflecting internal dialogue which may help him learn from these experiences.

Understanding and being sympathetic to the FACT that he has these feelings and thoughts isn’t enabling, it’s radically accepting something he can do very little about and something that can and has had a huge negative impact on his life and those around him. You’re learning to love the whole man.

I’m a little bit obsessed by this song at the moment. The lyrics sum up the process I feel us as nons move towards as we learn about the disorder and learn about ourselves.

Bea Miller - Brand new eyes
https://youtu.be/xffuHHjO_Us

All the best and may the peace continue

Enabler xx

[Cat Familiar]

I seem to have gained a special permanent place in his heart that has only room for 3... .me and his two daughters. Everyone else can go to he... I must try to remember this ‘next’ time.

My BPD mother was like this--there was only a small club of people who were acceptable to her--and all were related by blood. My dad didn't make the cut.

It’s kind of funny how he rationalises the events of the past few weeks. Talks about his temper and his pride.  ( his father apparently had a bad temper). He mentions that we can both give as good as we get when arguing. This, to me, seems a simplistic way of rationalising the craziness of the disorder.

Just more evidence that pwBPD have no clue about the destruction they wreak in other people's lives. It's mind-blowing how they apparently justify their behavior at times.

It's wonderful that you can have empathy and sympathy for your husband.    That's not always easy. However it's worth considering what kind of internal hell that they create in their minds 24/7. That they can even behave kindly shows that they're really trying. It's easy for us nons to forget how challenging that must be.