Sexual Violence & False Accusations

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Last night while my BP partner and I were sleeping and spooning, she woke me up and moved my hand on her breasts, started rubbing up against me and rubbing her ears against my lips for me to nibble on them. I was tired and not really in the mood, but she was persistent and I eventually went along with it. Without going into too many details, the foreplay escalated and she pulled my underwear and her own off and directed me inside her, initiating sex. After a few minutes, she pulled away and then walked out of the room. When she returned she accused me of initiating sex with her while she was asleep -- despite her initiating every point of escalation from foreplay through intercourse, pulling my underwear off and pushing me inside her. I felt terrified, betrayed, hurt, angry, frustrated and a sea of terror and profound distrust. I still tried to keep my cool and be comforting to her, while making it known that she woke me up and had been trying to get me to touch her for about 30 minutes before I gave in.

She then freaked out and had 3 panic attacks. Eventually, we fell back asleep. This morning we began to talk about it and things were emotional but seemingly OK. I expressed my side, she expressed her side. I began to get upset when she implied sometimes she feels "possessed" around me, and that her initiating sex with me and then accusing me of trying to have sex with her in her sleep was her being "possessed" by my unresolved trauma with my BP mother. I got upset that she was evading accountability or even apologizing by scapegoating my mother. This began to get her angry because at this point I wasn't just validating whatever she said. Long story short, at one point in the afternoon she expressed how she's "not really a sexual person" but only pretended to be so to live up to the standard I had supposedly set in describing my sex life with my partner before her (which I never spoke to her about in detail). She has had a long history of both abuse and sexual impulsivity all throughout her 20s, and she has initiated 90% of the sex between us. She then explained that verbal consent or even her advancing and initiating sex with me doesn't really mean she's fully consenting. She used a metaphor of "seeing a hole in a fence and not stepping through it" to explain how sometimes traumatized people do things and it's your responsibility to not participate in their self-destruction. We've been together for two years, and it's immensely hurtful for her to begin framing our powerful sexual bond as simply a confused expression of her confusion and trauma after I had been believing it was an expression of our love and connection. Despite the upset, we decided to stick to our evening plans and go see an exhibit together. I showered and got dressed, and she decided to go out just wearing a bra with no shirt and a super short skirt.

She asked me what I thought of her outfit, and I asked her if she was going to put on a shirt. She asked if her bra was see-through and I replied yes. She then went in to get a shirt, then started attacking me for policing her body, being a fake feminist and escalated the conflict intensely. We ended up parting ways and I went to my apartment instead of the museum. Later this evening, I got a message from my best friend telling me that she contacted her and told her I sexually assaulted her and accused me of being a conservative that wants her to wear a burkha.

These are very serious claims. I did not sexually assault her. My response to her lack of a shirt was not implying that she "asked for it" in any of her past experiences of abuse, although that's what she interprets. My response was towards the consistent doing one thing and saying another, mixed signals and how this communicated poor boundaries with me after what she had just said. I was feeling deeply frustrated, resentful and distrustful after the night before. I don't know what to do. My trust has been severed pretty badly. Not only in her ability to consent, but in her word as a whole. It drives me to a state of existential loneliness and emptiness that reminds me of looking into my own mother's eyes as a child and realizing there was no stable person gazing back, just waves of chaotic reactions.

I've come to accept she doesn't mean it when she says hurtful things when she's upset and dysregulating. I then very painfully began to consider that she doesn't mean what she says when she isn't upset because she's just splitting. I had a nightmare last night that this woman who looked like my aunt was laughing at me and mocking me while I was crying in agony because I was longing for my partner. I asked her if she was dead, and she told me yes - then cackled and mocked me for ever believing she truly existed. Accepting the level of confusion she's expressing to me is like accepting the person I loved never truly existed.

I don't know what to do.

[jxeer]

Last night while my BP partner and I were sleeping and spooning, she woke me up and moved my hand on her breasts, started rubbing up against me and rubbing her ears against my lips for me to nibble on them. I was tired and not really in the mood, but she was persistent and I eventually went along with it. Without going into too many details, the foreplay escalated and she pulled my underwear and her own off and directed me inside her, initiating sex. After a few minutes, she pulled away and then walked out of the room. When she returned she accused me of initiating sex with her while she was asleep -- despite her initiating every point of escalation from foreplay through intercourse, pulling my underwear off and pushing me inside her. I felt terrified, betrayed, hurt, angry, frustrated and a sea of terror and profound distrust. I still tried to keep my cool and be comforting to her, while making it known that she woke me up and had been trying to get me to touch her for about 30 minutes before I gave in.

She then freaked out and had 3 panic attacks. Eventually, we fell back asleep. This morning we began to talk about it and things were emotional but seemingly OK. I expressed my side, she expressed her side. I began to get upset when she implied sometimes she feels "possessed" around me, and that her initiating sex with me and then accusing me of trying to have sex with her in her sleep was her being "possessed" by my unresolved trauma with my BP mother. I got upset that she was evading accountability or even apologizing by scapegoating my mother. This began to get her angry because at this point I wasn't just validating whatever she said. Long story short, at one point in the afternoon she expressed how she's "not really a sexual person" but only pretended to be so to live up to the standard I had supposedly set in describing my sex life with my partner before her (which I never spoke to her about in detail). She has had a long history of both abuse and sexual impulsivity all throughout her 20s, and she has initiated 90% of the sex between us. She then explained that verbal consent or even her advancing and initiating sex with me doesn't really mean she's fully consenting. She used a metaphor of "seeing a hole in a fence and not stepping through it" to explain how sometimes traumatized people do things and it's your responsibility to not participate in their self-destruction. We've been together for two years, and it's immensely hurtful for her to begin framing our powerful sexual bond as simply a confused expression of her confusion and trauma after I had been believing it was an expression of our love and connection. Despite the upset, we decided to stick to our evening plans and go see an exhibit together. I showered and got dressed, and she decided to go out just wearing a bra with no shirt and a super short skirt.

She asked me what I thought of her outfit, and I asked her if she was going to put on a shirt. She asked if her bra was see-through and I replied yes. She then went in to get a shirt, then started attacking me for policing her body, being a fake feminist and escalated the conflict intensely. We ended up parting ways and I went to my apartment instead of the museum. Later this evening, I got a message from my best friend telling me that she contacted her and told her I sexually assaulted her and accused me of being a conservative that wants her to wear a burkha.

These are very serious claims. I did not sexually assault her. My response to her lack of a shirt was not implying that she "asked for it" in any of her past experiences of abuse, although that's what she interprets. My response was towards the consistent doing one thing and saying another, mixed signals and how this communicated poor boundaries with me after what she had just said. I was feeling deeply frustrated, resentful and distrustful after the night before. I don't know what to do. My trust has been severed pretty badly. Not only in her ability to consent, but in her word as a whole. It drives me to a state of existential loneliness and emptiness that reminds me of looking into my own mother's eyes as a child and realizing there was no stable person gazing back, just waves of chaotic reactions.

I've come to accept she doesn't mean it when she says hurtful things when she's upset and dysregulating. I then very painfully began to consider that she doesn't mean what she says when she isn't upset because she's just splitting. I had a nightmare last night that this woman who looked like my aunt was laughing at me and mocking me while I was crying in agony because I was longing for my partner. I asked her if she was dead, and she told me yes - then cackled and mocked me for ever believing she truly existed. Accepting the level of confusion she's expressing to me is like accepting the person I loved never truly existed.

I don't know what to do.

[Tattered Heart]

These are very serious accusations she has made against you.

I would highly suggest that you write down details of what happened. Make sure it includes the date. Keep it in a safe place just in case she decides to one day act on this. I would also include any part of the conversation where she acknowledged that you did not assault her or rape her. Whatever you do, do not admit that you took advantage of her or were sexually violent against her.

How are you feeling about her saying these things? Have you come up with any plans as to how to protect yourself?

[Cat Familiar]

 My trust has been severed pretty badly. Not only in her ability to consent, but in her word as a whole.

 Accepting the level of confusion she's expressing to me is like accepting the person I loved never truly existed.

Tattered Heart brings up some very important points and you need to be very cautious about not escalating this situation and protecting yourself.

You've had the experience of not having a safe, stable person for a mother and it seems like you're reliving this scenario with your partner. Those of us who had parents with BPD often gravitate toward partners who manifest similar dysfunction. You've gotten a very keen glimpse of it here.

How does knowing this about your girlfriend impact how you envision your future together?

[zachira]

So sorry you are being accused of sexually taking advantage of your BP partner, when what you have described sounds like you gave in to her sexually. Just a little bit of information, that may help or not be helpful at all: 1) A combat veteran with severe PTSD can kill his spouse while the combat veteran is sound asleep and be completely unaware of his actions; partners of these men are often advised to sleep separately because of the danger of their being badly injured or killed while sleeping with their partner. 2) Sleep walking is a well known mental health disorder, and the person walking in their sleep does not remember anything upon being woken up. 3) People with Dissociative Identity Disorder, popularly known as Multiple Personality Disorder, can find themselves miles away from home without knowing how he/she got there. 4) Chronic Dissociation is often a result of childhood sexual abuse, and can lead to having a split personality  or Dissociative Identity Disorder. It seems that there was a part of your partner that was asking for sex without being fully aware of what she was doing. You might want to try to get your partner to see a therapist that specializes in dissociation. I hear your hurt and distress over these false accusations. I admire your courage in coming forward and discussing what happened. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can help. We are here to listen and support you.

[AskingWhy]

jxeer, this is totally projection on the part of your partner.  It appears that she attacked you sexually.  Your pwBPD also appears to be cycling rapidly and looking for drama.

BPDs use sex to soothe their loneliness ("black hole") and their free-floating anxiety.  During and shortly after sexual relations, they feel better about themselves. However, the anxiety and loneliness soon return.

You are being unjustly blamed.

I hope you are in some type of counseling over this, and if not, please consider seeing a T.

Zachira is correct in that some BPDs have dissociative episodes.  

I've come to accept she doesn't mean it when she says hurtful things when she's upset and dysregulating. I then very painfully began to consider that she doesn't mean what she says when she isn't upset because she's just splitting.

I don't know what to do.

This approach is a healthy one as BPDs themselves coming or going.  Every time my uBPD/uNPD H dysregulates, he threatens (actually, promises) to divorce me.  His rage is in the moment.  It take a day or two for him to calm down, then it's like the argument and rages never even happened.

Have you used some of the tools from this site, such as SET?

I would gently ask if your partner wanted to enter therapy for herself--not the two of you.  And you need to find your own T to sort out your feelings.   

[Skip]

Later this evening, I got a message from my best friend telling me that she contacted her and told her I sexually assaulted her and accused me of being a conservative that wants her to wear a burkha.  These are very serious claims. I did not sexually assault her.

I've come to accept she doesn't mean it when she says hurtful things when she's upset and dysregulating.

Taking all emotion out (which is hard, but important)... .whether intended or not, your girlfriend established corroboration of sexual assault with your friend that can be used in a court of law. You need to deal with it with third parties, ideally with her involved.

This is complicated as there are emotional issues with her that make this difficult to navigate.

You want to have zero tolerance for false accusation or reports. Zero. In this day and age, its too risky to do otherwise.