Two miles, tunic and cloak

[juju2]

Hi family,
have been taking time off from here, have been searching my heart.
went for coffee, it was a good meeting, he was early(new), he was present and genuine.
Am trying to find my truth.  Have been open to messages that find their way into my consciousness... .from don miguel ruiz to the Bible

he is needing a little more time, as he is sorting himself out, and i gave two mord weeks.  After searching my spirit, gave until dec 31.  this time it suits me, my timeline.

Am looking for support, no questions please.  Am not here to defend, justify, explain. 

thank you,  j

[formflier]

What would the support you are looking for look like?

FF

[juju2]

I dont know ff.

Guess something along the lines, you arent crazy, God is in control, shoulder to cry on... .

i am not making sense to myself, and i want it to be o.k.     that.

he said he is letting his current relationship crumble, and he isnt doing anything to stop it... .

guess i want security, stability, etc, and am not receiving that, and havent been for a very long time, my whole life has been a roller coaster if i am honest.
and am looking inside to see how much more, or is it ok, does it have to make sense.

I am in a strange land.  Never been here before, am uncomfortable.   Its all about me... .

have to shake this funk off and go for gratitude... .

some of you know i get energy work, my healer can check in w other people energetically.  He asked him on being level, energetically, asked if he intends to come back, and he told him "thats the plan"  which is funny, because that sounds exactly like something he would say!

Yours truly, w gratitude,
j

[formflier]

guess i want security, stability, etc, and am not receiving that, and havent been for a very long time, my whole life has been a roller coaster if i am honest.
and am looking inside to see how much more, or is it ok, does it have to make sense.

I get it that you don't want questions... .so I won't ask one.  It appears to me that you are in a period of waiting.  I would recommend that you look to yourself, with our guidance and guidance of a trained Therapist and figure out how YOU can provide the things in your life that you have determined you are missing.

Best,

FF

[juju2]

Thank you F.

After i gave the dec 31 (2 miles, tunic and cloak)
he came over today and we spent 45 min on the porch.  We used to always sit on the porch... .

I know he is searching too.

When we were at coffee, i asked, are you able to say goodbye to me.?  He said yes, he was able, and he does not want to do that.   He said he does not love the person he is w.

I know he loves me, he told me many times... .

I believe he is waiting, testing me, and making sure that i really am recovered from co d.

It is a life long process... .that is why we say recovery ... present tense... .

Thank you family for listening.   Bless you all,

[formflier]

I believe he is waiting, testing me, and making sure that i really am recovered from co d.

Again... I get it no questions.

You should directly ask him about this.  Get an answer one way or another.

FF

[juju2]

ff,

Tonite i emailed him," am requesting no contact.
The only reason i will want to hear from you is if you want to work out our relationship.  Hope you understand."

And thats not good either.
Nothing makes sense, nothing makes it better.
It seemed like the true thing for me.
For a minute, one whole minute, something made sense.

It felt o.k.  i felt that i was gaining something.

Also, i told him am turning our vehicle in to the bank on dec 31.

I just want to run away family. 

i dont even know what triggered me, maybe because we could have a great time, i get to see tiny glimpses of that.  Big hug and kiss hello.  Big hug and kiss goodbye.    Its maddening.  Once a month for 45 minutes.   Sounds like prison.

Its almost sadistic what has been happening.

I feel like maybe i did something for me today, and it feels weird because am not used to doing something for myself. 

Maybe someone here can understand for me where i am and what i am doing.

[juju2]

I wonder if people have killed themselves trying to get out of this web. 

The only thing that strengthens me is the hope i can help someone else.

Am in a low, low, low place.

[Sirnut]

Hi Juju,

I recognise the Biblical reference in your title for this thread. If I’m correct it means you are thinking in terms of being considerate, going the extra mile for the one you love, and that means you have a kind heart.

God bless you.

SN

[juju2]

Thank you.  God bless you.

[BeagleGirl]

Juju2,

 

I'm so sorry you are in this dark place right now.  I know what it is to second (and third and fourth... .) guess what I have spoken or done in what seemed like a moment of clarity.  It's my prayer that you will have peace, if not clarity, about what you have said/done.

I want to honor your request for no questions, but if you change your mind... .

I also recognize the reference you are making in your thread title.  It is how we are called to live and I believe it is the path to joy.  I also believe that there is a holy tension in what we are called to, because the same scriptures say "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs".  We are called to give freely, but also to withhold wisely.  Both your desire to give more time and your desire to restrict contact have Biblical basis.

FWIW, I see wisdom and growth in your request to restrict contact.  You are giving him the gift of time (an extra mile, your cloak, your tunic) but also protecting what is precious and sacred; your heart and mind.  It takes understanding and courage to know that contact with him while he is allowing his current relationship to fall apart stretches your emotions beyond their limits.  It is healthy to set boundaries that protect your heart and mind. 

I know that my self judgement kicks in frequently when I set boundaries similar to what you describe.  I often feel like I should just be strong enough to give whatever is asked of me; to be able to tap into the endless love and strength that God has promised.  I went through this last week.  I wanted to help someone who desperately needed help, but I started to fall apart and realized that I could not give this person what they needed.  The difference in what I experienced last week was the realization that I wasn't failing that person.  I wasn't abandoning them.  I just couldn't be the sole source of what they needed.  I was only supposed to offer a temporary safe place and use my abilities to establish a safety net.  Those were my extra mile, cloak, tunic.  To give more would have been to give away what was precious (time for my son, my emotional stability, etc) and sacred (my ability to be led and used by God as HE wishes).  I'm not saying this person was a pig or a dog, but my expectations of myself were.

May you find peace today.

BG

[juju2]

Thank you BG.
am doing a lot better today... .

When i recalled the conversation we had yesterday, there were positives that i forgot... .

My mind jumps on the negatives, runs w those... .
And am going to journal about everything that is coming up for me... .

Thank you everyone,  j

[Cat Familiar]

When you journal, juju2,you might make a list of positives and negatives, on either side of the page.

[juju2]

Hi

have no problem w negatives.

Am working on developing new traits, pathways if you will.

Like writing with the wrong hand... .

Its an eye opener to see how underdeveloped some of my qualities are... .
.  which grows faster, the one you feed or the one you do not feed?

[BeagleGirl]

Juju2,
I think what Cat was implying was that since you stated that you tend to focus/dwell on the negatives that you try to balance your thinking by giving equal space in your journal to the positives.  Even if that space remains largely blank, this can open your mind and refocus your thoughts.

I have also found developing new patterns to be a growth experience.  Most of my life I sang melody.  5 years ago I decided to learn to sing harmony.  It had surprising ripple effects in how I interacted with people.  I started to recognize where I needed to "harmonize" rather than lead.

One thing that has been encouraging in the past couple months is something my friend shared with me.  She said that she pictures her patterns as grooves that have been worn in a log by the constant rubbing of a rope across it.  When she tries to shift the rope and start wearing a new groove it often slips back into the old groove.  In the beginning she has to keep moving the rope back.  It takes more effort and feels slow and frustrating, but with persistence the rope slips less frequently, and the new groove is formed more quickly.

New pattern formation can feel very uncomfortable.

BG

[juju2]

Thank you B.G.

[juju2]

This weekend wrote him an email, shouldnt have, it was "you have chosen, you say you are unhappy, and are doing nothing about it... ."
there was more, and am not proud that i sent that, as he was candid w me, and i feel like in a time of insecurity, i was mean... .at the very least, insensitive... .

he wrote me 4 paragraphs, the most have gotten, w "i have been trying to tell you i am unhappy."
I could tell he was frustrated... .
  He said him and her are going to have a heart to heart, he doesnt know how it will turn out... .
(at coffee he told me, i asked, do you love her.?  he said, no, no i dont love her... .)

he ended his email, w would you like to have coffee w me, and i will share w you openly what is going on on my head... .

Emailed  yes, that would be good.

I feel like have my eyes open, and am dealing w my issues, and it looks to me that he is being honest, without stringing me along... .

anyway, sharing with you guys.  am still not up for questions, if i could get anything positive in nature.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Juju-
I silently read your posts and find amazing strength in your patience.  I’m not certain if I’m responding for you or for me... .

Sometimes we have to say, or write what’s in our hearts.  And some of those words may hit the paper wrong (tho’ the words may be right).  Even as we patiently wait for our exBPD partners to detect our still-beating hearts.  No need for self-loathing or regrets over that.  We ARE human and our love runs deep.

He may have responded with some frustration, yet in his response, he did come full circle and offer an invitation to coffee to openly share what is going on in his head.  And that is good.  The door remains open.  He knows you are good, and deserve an explanation face to face.

Just breathe for now.  It’s not easy for those of us who are trying to “fix” ourselves.  I think you’re beautiful.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[juju2]

Hi Gems!

you are wonderful.  Thank you for the support.

Appreciate the feedback... .
guess am just taking it day by day.  Want to continue working on myself... .

he is candid, and i believe he is confused.
Plus, me being codependent most of our time together, wasnt good... .

Am going to just breathe!  Also, want to bring that part of me that is vibrant, excited, and adventurous... that part of me is there.   I dont know where she went for so long... .

[juju2]

Am at a loss, when i see what is happening, he is in a r/s that he isnt happy, where does any of this lead.

I wouldnt even see someone who is in a relationship... .i am confused as well.

In our ten years together, there was unhappiness on both sides.  More good times than bad... .

I feel like this is the first time he is really trusting me, as strange as this sounds.

He said he prays, that God will show him what to do... .

Precious family, thank you for being here.

j

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Juju-
Since needing to send away my BPDbf in February 2018, I have realized some painful things about myself.  I am trying to heal from long ago traumas now, finally.  Recover from deep depression and codependent behavior as well... .things I wasn’t fully aware of about myself.

I don’t believe pwBPD are strong enough to help with our healing.  They struggle too much with their own issues.  We (at least I) could not rely on him for strength.  Perhaps that affected your r/s.  If we need too much, in their eyes, they hurt... .they feel inadequate.

We need to find the happiness and peace in ourselves and bring it INTO the relationship.  Our BPD partners are too unsettled to bring that to us.

If you’re feeling trust from him (I’m sure he’s trusted you before now) it’s because you’re more sure of yourself.  You’re trusting yourself more.  And that’s a great thing.  A worthy goal to keep pursuing. 

He knows he can count on you.  Build faith in yourself... .you deserve that.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[juju2]

Hi,

so we are to meet up for coffee, next week.
Dont know what is going to happen, he has expressed he does not want to live this way anymore, and also, said he isnt trying to save the r/s he is in... .and at the same time, not sharing much about if he wants us to be together... .

have been patient, i go to a 12 step program, and that helps alot.  It appears to me, he is confused.
In my experience living w him, he wouldnt have resolve, with most things... .he always would say he wanted more out of life than just working everyday.
He wanted to do his creative stuff, we were going to reorganize so he could do what he wanted... .
Before we could do that, our r/s got worse and worse, and i asked for a healing separation... .
To me, it looks like he is settling, i dont really know
what is going on... .
Writing here helps me so much.  am realizing i cant help anyone, really.  I do not know anyones path.
Am at the point of detangling myself, and am ok with however my life goes. 
Its like am finally understanding powerlessness.
am vulnerable, open, and free.  I feel free.

Just wanted to share with you all.

With gratitude, j