Severe emotional abuse, my current state and everything in between

[Notwendy]

Perhaps it would help to read how a BPD relationship starts. It is wonderful in the beginning. Also, few people are entirely bad or entirely good so it would not be impossible that a person could be both abusive and also loving at times. I think this is a confusing aspect of relationships. If a person was abusive all of the time, then it would be more clear. Abuse is also cyclic with ups and downs. This can create an addictive aspect to being in a relationship with them as there are highs and lows, just like with a drug- amazing at times, and then also very low times. During the good times, it is easy to be in denial and hope it lasts, but an abuse cycle is often that, a cycle of both.

I can understand the wish for stability, but I also think that we need to assess the relationship as a whole. Yes, your H was loving to you when you first met, but is he that way now? Is he causing you harm? Although you wanted stability- is your situation actually stable? Also consider your age when you met him. 17 is young and what looks stable at 17 may not be what you consider to be stable in your 30's.

Consider the influence of drugs over several years. Drug addiction has a serious affect on family relationships.

Yes, he seemed like a romantic 18th Century gentleman to you back then at 17, but what is the situation as it is now? This is the situation you are dealing with.

I’m in deep state of disbelief that alternates with anger, grief and mourning.  It's ok to feel your feelings, and grief and anger are understandable.

[Cat Familiar]

Snowglobe,
Referencing what Notwendy wrote about the different stages of a Borderline Relationship, this is a worthy article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

I understand the longing for the "perfect gentleman" that you saw in the beginning, but when did you last see him? The person you're dealing with currently sounds very different.

You got together with him when you were so young that you didn't have the opportunity to get to know who you are outside of a relationship. You missed an important developmental milestone and that is probably why you feel insecure and cling to him, even when he treats you poorly. This is something to explore in a counseling environment.

I suspect that your husband is chafing underneath all your attempts to control him and that is adding to the resentment he feels toward you. I would bet that the more you try to control him, the more abusive he acts toward you. Perhaps it's time for you to try a different approach. The one you've been doing for the last couple of decades no longer is working.

Cat

[formflier]

I dreamt of having stability, and made every possible action to make uBPDh stay with me. He became my surrogate parent. That is when I started massaging feet, cooking meals, doing loundry, attentively listening and having sex with him whenever he wanted.

Thanks for being open and sharing.  Here is the important thing that I'm seeing in your posts.  You are talking about you and why you did things.  Looking at your motivations and how you got to the point in life of having those motivations.

This is important because you can only control you.  The power to change your life (and by extension the life of your family) rests with your ability to reflect, understand past decisions and make different decisions going forward.

I applaud you for looking at yourself, especially because I don't detect "blame".

What do you think your next step is?

How can we best support you taking that step?

How can be best support you in your journey of self reflection?

FF

[Notwendy]

Our FOO's influence who we are attracted to, who is attracted to us, and how we behave in relationships. We tend to match up with people who "match" us emotionally in some ways. Growing up, I had to act like a doormat to my mother in order to be accepted in my own FOO- and I took this behavior into relationships - not only dating ones but with other people.

At 17 I was way too young to recognize dysfunction. At 17, I had no idea what qualities I would want in a husband, or father of my children. I had no clue what it would have been like to face the challenges of a marriage with someone. I could only experience a relationship at my developmental age.

If we tend to pair up with people who "match " us, I have to wonder what 27 year old man would emotionally pair up with a teen age girl because at 17, that age difference is emotionally significant. Later on a 10 year difference isn't as much a consideration but at 17 it is huge. What I am trying to say is that- a 17 year old isn't able to judge the emotional level or character of a man that age. Your choice is not your fault. You could only do what any 17 year old could do. You loved him and then, when things got difficult, you clung to that love.

However, you have matured over the years and you have the ability to see things from a mature standpoint. I know that for me, eventually trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be in order to be loved by them was not something I wanted to do. I knew I needed to change that. Whatever you decide in your relationship, I hope you are able to start to get in touch with who you are, and not be so focused on trying to control your H's decisions. If he decides to get on a plane to his country, do drugs or any other decision, that is not under your control. Cat even suggested that maybe he is chafing under constant scrutiny. If you approach him as a doormat, rubbing his feet, begging, pleading, he doesn't have decency boundaries that keep him from mistreating you. I hope at least you will keep yourself safe.

I understand the feeling of wanting to be loved for just who I am but first, we have to learn to be who we are, pursue our own interests, our own spiritual make up. It isn't too late to discover that. Yes, you may grieve the time spent on your relationship, but that is part of the journey. It took me a long time to discover the patterns in my FOO and relationships and learn from that. I am still learning and you can too.