Protecting Myself, Alienation and Brainwashing, FILED Emergency Petition

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello BPD Family,
Sorry its been a few weeks since my last post/updates, uBPD/NPDex has been giving me trouble nonstop lately so I hadn't had time to sit and blog.

So where to start, lately the actions of exBPD has resulted in me filing an emergency petition.  The child alienation and harassment/false allegations has gotten "too extreme" accordingly to my L in which she advised me to file a emergency petition.
My L told me with the evidence I have that the court should have no problem ordering co parenting counseling and play therapy for my son.  Over the past couple of weeks I have devised a plan which when I passed it through my L said this is 100% legal.

My overall plan is as follows:
1 Part 
Protect my son from the actions of his mother. SIDE NOTE: The grandmother of my child, the mother of my son's mother is 1000000x worse than the uBPD/NPD mother of my child, grandmother has been divorced with kids before and is a total train wreck.  If you read earlier post my son walks around my house saying "no daddy no", some weeks I can work with him and use David77's advice on how to handle it, other weeks things fall apart.  Lately the mother of my child incites anxiety at custody drop offs and he starts crying.  She then will send me an email stating how our son says he doesn't want to go to daddy's house.  GAME PLAN: I have refusal of first right in my custody order only during the hours the mother of my child works. I plan to protect my son and use my income from rentals as regular income, take off on the days I have my son in the custody agreement (this protects my time first, my L said I better make sure I have off from work during my custody time before I start using refusal of first right on hers) and to get a part time job in the evenings when my son is back with his mother.  The grandmother watches my son during the day so I am speculating she is involved as well.

2nd Part
The mother of my child keeps objecting to play therapy for my son, although she continually states how my son is being mistreated at my house.  My L said uBPDex will have to explain these emails to the judge and explain why she dosn't want my son in play therapy but then harasses me through email about "mistreatment".  Co-parent counseling is going to be a nightmare with her lies, anyone can give me tips on this would help.

3rd
I officially set the boundary that communication should be strictly email, except for emergencies in which a text or phone call would do. I even changed my email address so I can stop receiving the nasty emails.


4th Protecting myself
1.  How was everyone protected themselves at custody exchanges, doctors visits, outings when the other BPD/NPD parent is present.  I was thinking about buying a body camera, (no audio in my state of PA).  My son is too young, 2.5 years old, to walk, back and forth to cars.
2.  I was thinking on filing another lawsuit for all the false allegations of abuse and harassment but I don't think she will learn by me doing this.  Any suggestions on how to hit this nail on the head with false allegations.


As of right now I should be able to respond to this board fairly quickly but with a uBPD/NPDex you never know whats going to happen hour by hour.  Just wanted to give everyone the heads up. 

[Newyoungfather]

Hello BPD Family,
Sorry its been a few weeks since my last post/updates, uBPD/NPDex has been giving me trouble nonstop lately so I hadn't had time to sit and blog.

So where to start, lately the actions of exBPD has resulted in me filing an emergency petition.  The child alienation and harassment/false allegations has gotten "too extreme" accordingly to my L in which she advised me to file a emergency petition.
My L told me with the evidence I have that the court should have no problem ordering co parenting counseling and play therapy for my son.  Over the past couple of weeks I have devised a plan which when I passed it through my L said this is 100% legal.

My overall plan is as follows:
1 Part 
Protect my son from the actions of his mother. SIDE NOTE: The grandmother of my child, the mother of my son's mother is 1000000x worse than the uBPD/NPD mother of my child, grandmother has been divorced with kids before and is a total train wreck.  If you read earlier post my son walks around my house saying "no daddy no", some weeks I can work with him and use David77's advice on how to handle it, other weeks things fall apart.  Lately the mother of my child incites anxiety at custody drop offs and he starts crying.  She then will send me an email stating how our son says he doesn't want to go to daddy's house.  GAME PLAN: I have refusal of first right in my custody order only during the hours the mother of my child works. I plan to protect my son and use my income from rentals as regular income, take off on the days I have my son in the custody agreement (this protects my time first, my L said I better make sure I have off from work during my custody time before I start using refusal of first right on hers) and to get a part time job in the evenings when my son is back with his mother.  The grandmother watches my son during the day so I am speculating she is involved as well.

2nd Part
The mother of my child keeps objecting to play therapy for my son, although she continually states how my son is being mistreated at my house.  My L said uBPDex will have to explain these emails to the judge and explain why she dosn't want my son in play therapy but then harasses me through email about "mistreatment".  Co-parent counseling is going to be a nightmare with her lies, anyone can give me tips on this would help.

3rd
I officially set the boundary that communication should be strictly email, except for emergencies in which a text or phone call would do. I even changed my email address so I can stop receiving the nasty emails.


4th Protecting myself
1.  How was everyone protected themselves at custody exchanges, doctors visits, outings when the other BPD/NPD parent is present.  I was thinking about buying a body camera, (no audio in my state of PA).  My son is too young, 2.5 years old, to walk, back and forth to cars.
2.  I was thinking on filing another lawsuit for all the false allegations of abuse and harassment but I don't think she will learn by me doing this.  Any suggestions on how to hit this nail on the head with false allegations.


As of right now I should be able to respond to this board fairly quickly but with a uBPD/NPDex you never know whats going to happen hour by hour.  Just wanted to give everyone the heads up. 

[livednlearned]

What's good about your proposed plan is that your propose reasonable solutions -- counseling for the parents, play therapy for the child, ROFR.

I'm sorry you have to resort to something like a body camera. Have you run that by your L?

In terms of exchanges, what have you tried so far?

About the additional law suits, what other false allegations / harassment behaviors are you dealing with, and what have you tried already in terms of keeping things in check?

[Newyoungfather]

My L said that as long as there is no audio recording its legal.  There has been highly illegal items/violation of court orders that has happened in the past.  We meet at a police station but it has no cameras, and ridiculously stupid things have happened already, death threats, provoking and acting like they are carrying a firearm, etc.  Obviously they have no concern that there is a child involved, our child for that purpose.  L said I can legally carry a fire because I have a concealed permit to carry but I do not want to go down that road, believe me.

For exchanges:
1. We exchanged at a neutral 3rd party public location, court ordered that no one else does the exchange except for me or the mother.  Failed they where held in contempt, 3rd party family got out of car and tried to start physical/verbal altercation with us.
2.  Changed to safe drop zone with cameras, failed, 3rd party family member would walk with back towards camera and harass us and incite anxiety in my son. Would park outside view of cameras and provoke verbal arguments.
3.  Changed to actual police parking lot, no cameras, 3rd family member was ordered stay away order.  Biggest item now its the inciting the anxiety in my son, son says he "doesn't want to go with daddy" which also happens to be convenient that it's said when there are police officers walking by.

I filed a lawsuit, attorney's who are representing me are doing it on a contingency basis as they feel that I have a lot of evidence.  False and frivious PFA's, extortion, harassment, defamation.  It tends to calm down for a few months and then will start back up.

[worriedStepmom]

I really like your plan to get to keep your son during the day while mom is at work.  I hope that works!

I am a firm believer that any type of counseling that requires both parents to be present when one has BPD will be a train wreck and make things worse.  She will deflect everything onto you.  If you both are required to do separate therapy to be better coparents, that will at least not likely make the situation worse. 

If you get the play therapy approved, try to make sure that you are the one who gets to bring your son to the session and pick him up.  If you are home during the day, that would make sense.  If she fights, at least try to make sure that you are there for either drop off or pick up.  He doesn't need to be fully in her control when he's going.  2.5 years is a littttle young - my daughter's therapist had told me they usually didn't start until the child was 3.  Have you contacted any therapists to confirm that they'll take him that young?  You will definitely want a list of a few potential candidates that you approve of to take with you to court.

[Newyoungfather]

@WorriedStepmom: My L also agreed that my son is too young at 2.5 years, however by the time this goes to court in front of a judge and he starts therapy he should be shy of just 3 years old, just about 2 months shy is what my attorney said.  I also have my son for 43% of the overnights, so combining "extended days in which I pick him up in the morning and drop him off the next night limits his contact the a hostile environment.  My computer table looks more like a therapist office with all the books from this website, my main goal is to protect my son and then work my way down, protect myself legally and my family etc.  The unfortunate thing is that I pay child support as if I had 0 custody, in my state child support is determined by the amount of overnights, I'm pulling double duty, having my son for majority of the time and paying support as if I don't. 

[livednlearned]

I agree with worriedStepmom about the coparent counseling.

With the amount of adversity you have toward her (and vice versa) it's not likely you'll get much out of it, and things could be made worse. For example, your counselor may assign fault to both parties for conflict, in which case ugh. Last thing you need.

If you do arrange for this, try to put a lot of responsibility on your ex for setting up appointments and following through on at least half of the work, expecting that little to nothing might happen.

Asking for counseling may look good to the court, and if you two aren't able to pull it off, with her struggling most with follow-through (or refusing to engage in counseling in good faith), then you did that, tried it, and it presents a solutions-oriented Newyoungfather to the court. Hopefully that will help as you continue to chip away and improve things.

Coparenting counseling never worked for me because the counselor wanted us to waive rights to confidentiality, and I wanted to know more about how much she testified, how much of her practice was based on that, etc. It turned out she got paid double to go testify in court. I thought that was a conflict of interest -- what would compel her to help parents solve conflict if she made more money when they couldn't get along?

Anyway, my ex never showed up for the next appointment, but of course blamed me for sabotaging everything. 

[david]

I live in Pa and my attorney told me to stop recording my ex. I thought about it and decided to record myself. I simply point the video camera (it also has audio) and point it at myself. I talked to my attorney about it and he thought he could argue that in court if it was needed. I wanted the audio so I couldn't be accused of saying something. My reasoning to my attorney was that the judge could disregard anything he/she heard that didn't come from me. Of course, you want to run it by your attorney. I also figured if the police were involved they could listen and watch it to it and I would be protected.
The first time I used the camera was after I got out of jail from a false allegation. I was picking up our boys for the first time after that. Ex came walking out of her residence, even though our court order expressly forbids that, and approached my vehicle. I turned the camera on and pointed it at her. She uturned and went back into her residence. Same thing happened the second time. The next time we were in court she brought it up. The judge yelled at me. That happened a bunch of times before my attorney said to stop recording. She doesn't come near me anymore. She will, from time to time, be standing in her driveway when I come to pick up our son. As long as she keeps her distance I am fine with it. I still record myself sitting in my car. It is dated and timed so I have that covered too.

[ForeverDad]

There is a risk that once she realizes you have time off during the day and are seeking your right of first refusal that she will somehow become unemployed so you can't do that.

[Newyoungfather]

@ForeverDad. This was one of the items that my L discussed.  The mother of my child tried this before and then the court ruled that I could claim him on my tax return as a dependent. UBPDex has too many bills to pay that I don't think she will get by on unemployment.
@David, yes my attorney told me not to audio record.

[david]

I have a video camera that also audio records. When I spoke to my attorney I explained the judge could hear what I said or didn't say. The fact that my ex may be yelling in the background was irrelevant to me because I "believed"    the judge would be able to disregard that if it was in court or worst case scenario the audio could be turned off.

[Newyoungfather]

@David:I like your idea, I'm gona run this by my attorney next time we talk.

[david]

If my attorney did not agree with recording myself I was going to get one of those car cams and install it.
Our court order says during pick ups, that I am to stay in my car, call exs' cell phone, and hang up as soon as the voicemail kicks on. She has 5 minutes to get the kids out of her residence. She is also not allowed out of her residence until I drive away. It works the same way when she does a pick up. I follow the order. Ex does come out of her residence but now stays on her property. I let that go. It also takes more than 5 minutes. I let that go. I don't sweat the small stuff. It is much easier that way. I always anticipated her picking up her phone when I call but she never has

[Newyoungfather]

Hello Everyone,
Thought I would give everyone an update, uBPD and her attorney has agreed to co parenting counseling with the report that can be used at trials.  I felt this was a killer for her because I don't think she remembers when she lashes out at me via email.  Any suggestions?

[ForeverDad]

Focus on parenting as the priority.  Probably secondary is how well you are able to interact with ex.  Well, one of them is the priority.  You already know co-parenting is difficult at best and impossible at worst.  However, I believe the counselor will expect a normal parent to at least sincerely try.  Let her flame out spectacularly if she so chooses.  Don't hide her misbehaviors.  The counselor needs to see reality, not a show.  Any good counselor knows that.

But you'll have to follow the counselor's guidance on what past incidents can be provided for consideration.  I'm wondering whether the goal will be to see what can be done now, not what failed miserably in the past?  Not sure.  Your first session ought to lay the ground rules and framework.  You might even get advance paperwork explaining its purpose and goals.

Beware of "he always... ." or "she always... ." since they're basically vague hearsay.  As appropriate, relate actual incidents and what documentation you have of them, such as the emails you mentioned.

I'm guessing the counselor won't want this to devolve into a Blamefest.  But if ex does that then let the counselor see it and deal with it.  That's what this is all about, after all.  In these sessions I doubt you'll have to be the appeasing, passive or acquiescing fixer.  Just demonstrate your solid boundaries of appropriate behavior and stick to them.  As we eventually learned, acting-out disordered people don't respect boundaries and so we are the ones that have boundaries for us — as in, "If you do ___ or don't do ___ then I will ___."  (Example: "If you start ranting and raging then I will take the kids out to a movie, restaurant or park and return after you've calmed down.")  We don't tell the ex what to do, typically there is too much emotional baggage for them to listen to us, so we just have healthy boundaries that determine what we do in response.

There will be at least two aspects of the report, I suspect.  One is how you parent, whether it truly is for the child's best interests, not just claiming that.  Another is how well or poorly each parent communicates and cooperates with the other.  Or obstructs and sabotages the other.

I'm not sure but this may be more than about past history, it may attempt to evaluate how things are now.  If so, realize that ex will try to appear MOTY or FOTY — Mother/Father of the Year.  That's not the historical reality.  Though it is normal for a person to want to put on their best behaviors, as with so much else the disordered parent will do this to an extreme but generally can't keep it up for long until being triggered by something — or anything.  I guess what I'm saying is that maybe you shouldn't try to dance on eggs with ex while in sessions.  Okay to let the extreme perceptions and entitlements get triggered and rear their ugly heads, of course as long as you don't look bad for triggering such outbursts.

[david]

I went to co parent counseling. The counselor basically tried to help us communicate better.
The first meeting kind of set the ground rules. Ex "mirrored" the counselor. She ignored me to some degree and tried to set up a good rapport with the counselor. It was her usual mode of operation so I was used to it and figured, if he was good and my attorney assured me he was, he would see through it.

The second meeting started with ex in her attack mode against me. The counselor calmed her down and redirected. She followed along pretty good. Exs' main issue then was I refused to communicate with her in any way except email. My reply was, it was the only way I knew that minimized disputes because of misinterpreting what either of us said. She pointed out that she learned that I just got texting back on my phone and implied I refused to use it with her. The counselor asked me about that. I said that I had gotten rid of texting several years ago because I was getting texts from ex at all different hours of the day and night and our court order said we were to communicate through email only. I looked at ex and calmly told her if she did text me I would delete it before reading it for both of the reasons we already discussed. I said I thought email was a better form of communication for us. If there was a real emergency for either boy we could always call and leave a voicemail. I realized this was not allowed in our court order but in an emergency I saw no other way around that.

Prior to that second meeting our oldest son needed a new school bag. His mom told him she would get it for him. Since she said she would in an email I stayed out of it. However, after a week of nothing I emailed ex to ask her if she was getting him a school bag. I said I would buy it if she was unable. She insisted she would buy it but our son found one online and she objected to it because it was called an assault rucksack. It was a single color ,not camouflage, and looked like a really good back pack. The reviews were excellent. It was durable and inexpensive compared to schoolbags in stores. Even college students gave great reviews because of the price and durability. It was expandable for a laptop, etc and could also be used to go camping and hiking.
 
The next meeting ex started with the school bag. She didn't want any parts of buying that school bag because of what it was called. I sat there and let her go full attack mode against me. The counselor finally stopped her and asked me what I thought. I cited the reviews that I had read and I thought our son made a good decision. Ex immediately attacked me, before I could finish my thought, and then turned around and said I could buy it if I wanted but she would have nothing to do with it. The counselor asked me for my thoughts. I simply said, ex said she would buy a school bag but if she changed her mind I would buy it. I added that I thought our son made a very good decision since the reviews were all excellent and the price was much less, half the price, than the ones in stores. I said I believed that is what parents should do with and for their kids, encourage them to figure things out with our support and guidance. I didn't think buying the one our son wanted was the right thing to do since that would be undermining her parental decision making and I would respect her decision even though we disagreed. I then looked directly at ex and in a calm voice asked her if she was going to buy him a school bag soon because his was literally falling apart. I could see in exs' eyes that she was past the point of no return. Ex repeated that I could buy the one he wanted but she would not have anything to do with it. The counselor looked at me and asked me if I thought more meetings would solve our miscommunication. I said no but we were court ordered to go for ten months. He said he could write a letter to the judge and it would be taken care of. I thanked him, shook his hand, and walked out. I drove away and ex was still in the building. Don't know if that was her last meeting or not. Ex did buy him the bag he wanted and it really was a good school bag. The emotions from ex can't be described well by me but I am sure you can imagine what she was like. Near the point of being unhinged over a school bag.

In the beginning I opened up too much to ex and she used that to confuse me and run circles around me. I learned to offer less of my thoughts/feelings/ideas and that caused ex to create ideas in her head about my thoughts etc that were not based on reality. I didn't do it to "win". I did it because it was a boundary that worked for me. In custody evals, co parent counseling, etc I was me because I had witnesses.